Page 18 of Petals of Blue, Part One (Wilted Duet #1)
Thirteen
BLUE
I'm debating moving out of state. If I had known this was going to happen a few months ago when my aunt ditched me and Violet, I would have moved across the country.
I don't want anything to do with the four fuckfaces who think they reserve the right to defend me. Honestly, I need protection from them.
Felix and his brooding, sexual, strong presence. Declan with his pushy, reckless attention. Confused and gentle Jared. Roman's puppy dog eyes and obvious pain.
They all batter against the walls I've built around the memories of them. I had to spend the day at home yesterday, ignoring everyone and everything—not Violet of course—to force my head back on straight.
I allowed myself to feel the pain of their actions again.
Just because Felix threw Dale around on Monday and Declan got hurt doesn't mean they're worth thawing my heart for. Never again will they be worth my vulnerability.
I can't afford to go there with anyone. I'm busy trying to build the life I want, while giving Violet everything I can. My sweet, sassy girl should never have had to grow up the way she did.
I'm ignoring the fact that the same could be said about me.
It's easier to focus on other people's pain than my own. Which is why I'm currently at the liquor store searching for Dakota's favorite wine. She broke up with her boyfriend this morning, so it's all hands on deck to mend our friend's broken heart.
Bethany's been cooking all morning, and Janine is already at Beth's house with ice cream. Cliché? You bet your ass. What better reason is there to eat yummy shit and give in to the tears adults have to force down every day than a breakup?
Blowing out a breath when I find the Chardonnay, I grab one. We'll need at least two and a bottle of vodka maybe. Shit, it's a Wednesday, though. Fuck it.
"Erica!"
"AH!" I startle. My twisted wrist spasms, making me drop the bottle. CRASH! "Shit!"
The wine shatters at my feet, and angry tears spring to my eyes. Manly exclamations of shock and apologies only serve to thicken the ball of frustration in my throat.
Why is he HERE?!
My God, why can't I catch a break? Seeing them so frequently in such a short amount of time is weakening me. I hate this. I hate them!
Every time I see one of their faces or hear their voices, I remember all the nights I cried myself to sleep.
Fear and sorrow were the only things keeping me warm.
At seventeen, I was left alone in a world where older men shoved me around, threatened to steal my panties, and did their best to sneak into my bedroom at night.
With the short amount of time I've had to process their presence in my city, I've come to realize Jared, Declan, Roman, and Felix are a trigger. They're the embodiment of loneliness and fear for me.
"Erica? Shit, are you okay?"
Why is it that Jared's words hurt more than the silence he subjected me to back then?
That's not my name.
"Erica, look at me," Jared pleads as the whooshing in my ears begins to lessen.
That's not my fucking name.
"Christ, Erica, you're scaring me!"
Four times is enough. Jared just sent me over the motherfucking edge. "That's not my name!"
With my hands fisted at my sides, I refuse to look at the asshole who's making a hard day even harder. I'd rather look at spilled wine and shattered pieces of glass than at his face.
He may be an incredibly handsome man, but all his looks do for me is light a spark of hostility.
Silence lingers heavily until it's broken by the crunch of glass. "Blue...I'm sorry. Let's just get you out of the glass."
"I'll get a broom," someone informs us from down the aisle.
Two dark hands enter my line of sight, blocking the carnage beneath me. All I can picture when I look down at the broken bottle is how much it resembles what the four of them did to me.
"Go away," I whisper, fighting like hell to keep my voice from wobbling.
Annoyance boils in my gut. Not just with Jared but with myself. I'm a badass, and I know my fucking worth. Why am I still a blubbering mess when it comes to these guys eleven years later?
"Bee, you're in little sandals." His voice is strained. "Let me help you."
I can't help the snort that comes out of me. The audacity. At least his dumbass comment snaps me out of whatever standoff I had going on with the broken wine bottle. Without much fanfare, I push his warm hands aside and grab two bottles.
"Bee, don't," Jared warns in a rush as I tiptoe through the shards. "Fucking hell, woman."
Ignoring him and the guy rushing around us to sweep up the hazard, I head for the registers. Jared's still begging me to talk to him, to look at him, but I don't. I won't.
Today is about Dakota's broken heart. Not mine. I won't let this asshole take more from me right now, not when I have to give myself to my best friend. Jared can take his useless help and his crappy nickname and shove it right up his fucking ass.
Barely restraining my middle finger from flipping Jared off once I hop in my car, I drive away without looking back.
That's a lie...My sad little heart forces me to glance in my rearview mirror.
I knew it was a bad idea, and now I'm suffering with an ache in my chest all the way to Bethany's cute townhome where Dakota and she had a sleepover last night.
Pulling around back, I find a spot to park.
Her parking is weird since it's on the edge of downtown Chicago.
The deep breath I take does a decent job of cleansing my negative energy.
At least that's what I'm telling myself.
If I can't shake Jared off, I'll just twist my feelings and aim them at Dakota's cheating ex.
Fucker had the hottest, funniest woman...Idiot.
With my fanny pack slung over my shoulder and the brown paper bag of wine, I hop out of my car. I step back a bit, and hit the lock button, then do it three more times just to be sure it actually locked.
Car gets broken into one time and the paranoia follows me years later. My new vibrator got stolen though, so can anyone blame me for quadruple checking it's actually locked?
It turns out the answer is yes someone can blame and judge me. Not just anyone, either.
"You going to hit the button again or do you think you got it this time?"
Jared.