Page 59 of Painkiller (Sin Records #3)

A nger. Frustration. Disappointment. Only one of the few things I’ve felt since I woke shortly after midnight and realized Poppy was gone. It increases the longer my calls go unanswered and my messages unread, with worry being added to the mix a few hours ago.

Gripping my chin, I twist my neck, forcing it until a satisfying pop alleviates some of the pain my stress is causing, then do the other side. The guy drones on and on like Charlie Brown’s teacher—wah-wah nothing—because my brain’s still stuck on Poppy. Why she left. Why she’s ignoring me.

I lean back in my chair, resting my elbow on the arms and bringing my knuckles to my lips, brushing them back and forth as I replay everything. My knee bounces at a relentless pace as my anxiety grows by the minute.

Did I imagine it all last night? Mistook goodbye for a silent declaration of love?

It won’t be goodbye. I told her that again and again. There’s nowhere she can run or hide from me that I won’t find her, but right now, I can’t. My anger—the old feelings of betrayal and abandonment have been triggered—will cause me to do something I’ll regret.

It’s already been a battle not to make a phone call and get something to take the edge off.

“Jagger, are you there?”

No . “Yeah, I’m here, Frankie. Get me the demos, and I’ll see about getting out there to check her out.” I look at my watch, knowing I need to go to Graham’s office. He’s been texting me all morning, but I’ve ignored him, not in the mood for whatever stunt he’s about to pull. “We’ll talk later.”

I end the call, then dial down to the company nursery.

“Jagger, for the last time, he’s fine. I swear, you’re worse than Maddox and Ryder,” Heaven, Ryder’s girlfriend, tells me.

I was glad she was volunteering today, or I might not have left him.

My gut is telling me something is wrong.

I don’t know what, but it would be my luck to break my kid on the first full day I have him.

“The day is almost over. Once everyone is cleared out, I’ll get Ryder to help me bring him down to you. ”

“Thanks, Heaven,” I sigh. “Sorry, I’ve been such a pain.”

“I get it,” she says, her tone now sympathetic instead of exasperated. “It’s new to you and new to him, but he’s had a blast.”

“Good.” I lean forward, shaking my head. “That’s good.”

“You have a world of support behind you, Jagger. We are all here. Don’t forget that.”

I nod and hang up. Pushing to my feet, I round my desk and head for the door. The entire way to Graham’s office, a sense of dread washes over me. Dammit, I’m not in the headspace for this.

When I push open the door, it’s all I can do not to throw my head back and groan. Behind his desk, Graham is leaning back, looking relaxed as ever. Probably because he’s about to get on a jet and whisk Casey away for the week. He lifts a brow when he spots me. “Perfect timing.”

“Or the worst ever.” I stalk across the room, agitation circling me like a thick fog.

I plant my ass into the chair across from Graham’s desk, crossing an ankle over a knee in hopes of keeping the other still.

“Maddox. Ryder.” I acknowledge their shit-eating grins.

“Do you two go anywhere without the other?”

“Sure we do,” Ryder answers, his grin growing wider at my annoyance. The way he gets off on people’s discomfort astounds me.

“I will get right to the point,” Maddox says, his eyes rolling at his best friend.

“Let’s be real here. I’ve known those songs weren’t written by Maverick since he brought them to me.

Maverick is good. Great even. But the arrangements were more complex than his usual style…

” His eyes penetrate me with a deep knowing.

“I know Maverick’s past, so the lyrics fit him, but that’s not his usual avenue of writing.

He tends to focus on a different kind of pain. ”

I cut my eyes to Graham, swiping my tongue over my teeth. “You told them.”

He shrugs, his hands lifting in the air, before dropping back down over his chest. “And you knew I would. I’m not letting you hide behind Maverick or anyone else.”

“Why would you?” Ryder asks, this time without a single hint of sarcasm. “They really are bloody good songs, mate. So why are you hiding? I mean, there are uncredited songwriters all the time, but it’s usually for privacy reasons. You don’t have that now, so what’s the deal?”

So I tell them. Feeling more pathetic with every word. Realizing I let my mom plant a seed in me when she was sick, despite knowing she didn’t mean it, then I let Maxwell nurture it until it became this monstrous, parasitical vine, choking me until I buried my passion.

Maddox makes an irritated sound, shaking his head as those bright blue eyes dance with rapid thought, but Ryder is the first to speak up. “Your dad is a fucking twat. Take it from someone whose mom is a bloody cunt, no pun intended, cut ties. You’ll be a lot fucking happier in the long run.”

“It’s hard,” Maddox starts, his eyes growing distant.

“When it feels like you’re not enough? That you constantly disappoint the one person whose approval you want?

It’s so fucking hard. I’ve been there. My story is a bit different from yours, though.

Ryder is probably right about getting the poison out of your life. Sometimes you have to.”

I glance toward Graham, who looks just as disappointed as I feel, but he’s nodding in agreement.

“He is right. I can’t tell you what to do, but I made my decision last night.

He doesn’t get a second chance. Not when you tried to tell him.

Not after what he said. Everything that happened to you is on me for not noticing, but it’s on him for not listening. ”

Will there ever come a time this shit doesn’t follow me? That I’m not reminded about what happened? What I allowed to happen?

I already know the answer. Even if I cut everyone involved out of my life, the truth is the memories would still be there.

And somehow, everything Krista did pales compared to Dad. The way he tore me down over the one thing I was passionate about. Then brushed me aside when I needed him. He didn’t do any of it, but he wouldn’t listen when I tried to tell him.

He was my father, but he stopped being my dad long ago. Maybe he never really was. I only wish I’d realized sooner. That I wouldn’t have spent so many years torturing myself.

“Do you sing too?”

“I know where you’re going with this, but no. I’m not that…”

“When he was fifteen, he could. And that was before puberty hit him. Hard. Little shit’s voice went from a soprano to baritone overnight,” Graham tells them, ignoring me completely. “My guess is he and Maverick have a similar tone and range, or the songs wouldn’t work as well for him as they do.”

“That’s my guess, too,” Maddox replies. “I want to hear it.”

“Now, hold up. You are not railroading me into singing. You want the songs? Fine. I already gave them to Maverick anyway, but…”

“Yeah, I think we should carve some studio time for him after the holidays,” Ryder adds.

“Do you three realize I am in the room, and I am the one who gets to decide if I want to do any of that?” I yell. “Not everyone wants to be on the goddamn stage. Besides, if you haven’t noticed, my life just became a whole lot more fucking complicated in the last twenty-four hours.”

“No one is railroading you, Jagger. This is what you’ve wanted since you were a kid,” Graham chuckles. “You got all Mom’s talent and then some. I’m not letting you waste it.”

“And what about Noah?” With that one question, realization slams into me. Poppy was right. I’ll never let him go anywhere.

“We’ll figure it out.”

“We have an entire team that’s paid good money to do just that, remember?” Maddox tells me with a wink.

“You seem to think you’re all alone in this…all of it, but you’re not. If ya haven’t noticed, mate, we take care of our family. You’re part of the family. If it weren’t for you, we might not be here.”

“It’s insane to think it, but we owe our careers to a fucking punk kid. Now we’re showing our appreciation.”

As usual, they head for the door before giving me a chance to respond. I jump from my chair, spinning. “I don’t need your appreciation,” I yell at their backs. “I need everyone to stop meddling.” I get middle fingers as they keep walking.

When the door opens, Casey is standing on the other side. She says hello to the men as they pass her, then walks inside. Her normally happy face turns into a frown when she sees me.

“Casey, I swear I didn’t take him to get him away from you.” I immediately say, assuming the mood is because of Noah.

“What?” she asks, brows dipping lower. “I know that. I was there, remember. And I want him to be with you.I always have. Dads, good ones, are amazing. You? You’ll be the best dad, and he needs that in his life.”

My breath hitches, and my chest tightens. I’m speechless, unable to find words to respond.

A chair moving sounds, followed by the shuffling of Italian leather over the carpeting. Graham stops next in front of her, pulling her against him. “Then why the face, Casey?” He brushes the hair from her face with his own scowl. “Tell me who I need to bankrupt or kill.”

She shoves him away with a huff and a hard eye roll. “No one. And that can’t be your go-to response for everyone that upsets me.”

“Wanna bet?” he mutters as she strolls toward me.

“You took Poppy back to your place, right?”

My stomach dips, the foreboding feeling from earlier making a reappearance. “Yeah. Why?”

“When she left this morning, she seemed okay, right?”

My shoulders slump, head tilting back. “She wasn’t there this morning. I woke up around midnight, and she was gone.”

Her lower lip slips between her teeth. Blue eyes dart away, looking thoughtful and concerned. “Did you two argue?”

“No,” I grind out, reminding myself not to let the thought that everyone thinks I’m a screwup win. “When we fell asleep, everything was fine. I woke up, and she was gone. No note. Nothing. I’ve been trying to reach her all day, and she’s ignored me.”

Her frown deepens. Worry skitters through her sapphire eyes.

My anxiety skyrockets. Dull throbbing wraps around my head, settling in my neck. I glance at Graham, silently asking him to get her to spill because suddenly I feel like I might be sick. Or lose my shit.

“What’s going on, Sunflower? Why all the questions?”

“At first I thought it was nothing, but if she left you last night and you haven’t heard from her today…”

“Casey, for the love of God, spit it the fuck out.” She flinches at my tone. Guilt swirls in my chest, but not enough to make me apologize, because right now I need answers.

“She didn’t come to class this morning or rehearsal this afternoon.”

My fingers rip through my hair before settling at the base of my skull. Panic beats against my ribcage. Fear squeezes my lungs. My first thought is to go to her apartment and check on her. Except I can’t. I can’t take Noah with me without knowing what I’m walking into.

I’ve never felt like this in my life. There’s no reason for it now. Deep down, I know that. She could be perfectly fine at home.

But…

That niggling feeling of impending doom thrums harder. Between her midnight vanishing act and the unanswered messages and calls…

Dread. It weaves and winds, cinching around my bones, seizing my muscles.

Through everything that’s happened to me, I’ve never felt like someone was reaching inside my chest, trying to tear my heart from my body.

Air refuses to enter my body. My lips go numb.

Pain wraps around my limbs. The edge of my vision blurs.

I don’t understand it. Getting this worked up over a girl I’ve known for less than a month seems ridiculous. Impossible even. Even with admitting how I feel, this feels extreme.

Yet, my heart won’t stop racing, thundering against my ribs.

Something rubs my back. No. Someone. I look up, not realizing I’d leaned over.

Graham’s worried face fills my hazy sight.

Understanding like we’ve never shared dances in his eyes.

“We’ll find her,” he whispers. “I’m sure everything is fine, but I’ll go with you to her apartment.

” When I start to argue, he looks at Casey.

“Go upstairs and get Noah. Have Will take you both back to the house.”

I shake my head. “You’re supposed to leave.”

“It can wait. My little brother needs me, and for once, I’m going to be there for him.”

I take it. Accept what he’s offering. No more arguments, because I need him. “Let me grab my phone from my office.”

After we grab my phone, he follows me to my car. If he’s bothered by my driving, he doesn’t say a word. It takes longer than I want, but I manage to make it to Poppy’s building in less than twenty minutes.

Graham doesn’t wait in the car for me. He follows me to her door, not asking the first question when I punch in the code.

The hair on my neck stands on end when I push the door open. That feeling that something is wrong returns full force. There’s someone on her sofa, head down, hands covering her face. Even in the dark, I know it’s not Poppy.

When I flip on the lights, her head bounces up, and I’m staring into the eyes of someone I haven’t seen in a long time.

I can’t stop the growl when I ask, “What are you doing here, Renee? ”