Page 50 of Painkiller (Sin Records #3)

“ S cale of one to ten. How much does Graham hate me and think I’m a home-wrecking slut?” Poppy asks, coming from the bathroom and tucking a pin in her hair.

My laughter echoes through the room from where I sit, pulling on my boots.

“I don’t think you meet the requirements to be a home wrecker, Halfpint.

He’s my brother, not my wife.” I set my foot on the floor, grab my other boot, and tug it on.

“But he doesn’t. On either account.” If he weren’t so floored by the fact Poppy was here at all, he might’ve said something about moving too fast because it’s not like him to not have an opinion at all.

I think for a moment his big brain short-circuited, and I enjoyed watching him sputter.

It should annoy me that he’s been spying on me for so long.

I knew about the last several months, but years?

I guess I just assumed he spent all his time and resources keeping tabs on Casey, figuring he was too busy to give me a second thought beyond what I knew of her.

“Okay, so not a home-wrecking slut, but maybe a family disrupting ho? He can’t really just be that chill.”

“I’m sure he has an opinion, but it will take him a bit to get over the misfire his brain had.” I lean forward, gripping her hips to pull her to me. “Stop worrying about my brother. I wasn’t worried before he found out. I’m not now.”

“But what about Casey?” She worries her bottom lip, and her eyes are full of anxiety.

I’m trying not to let it affect me. We’ve had a good few days, and I don’t want it ruined now.

The day is going to be hard enough. Getting a head start with her won’t help.

But her concern over Casey makes my chest ache.

My mind is at war with itself as my insecurities battle with what I know.

Trying to convince me that she’ll always choose our sisters’ feelings over me.

It’s been four days, asshole. Calm the fuck down.

Yet, the doubt still comes with a growl. “Thought we moved past this.” I want to look at her, but all I can do is grind my teeth as I fight the bullshit in my head.

God, I’m such a fucking little bitch.

She slides onto my lap, cradling my face between her hands. “Choosing to find out what this is between us—”

“You know what it is,” I growl, my mood in the toilet, too far gone for denial or deflection.

Her breath hitches, nervous. “I know what I think it is and what it could be, which is why I’m risking a friend, which I kind of need because all of mine are scattered across the globe, and possibly a chance at ever reconciling with my sister.

My twin sister, Jagger. Our estrangement isn’t your fault, but this won’t make a reunion any easier.

But being more afraid of regret—of walking away, always wondering what we could’ve been, doesn’t make my concern about their reactions and feelings go away. ”

Great. I’m an insecure little bitch, losing his shit and a massive fuckwad, throwing a tantrum like…a little bitch. Apparently, this is me when I like—much, much more than like—a fucking girl.

Be a fucking man, Jagger. Not a tool.

“You’re right.” It burns to admit that, by the way.

“But as far as Casey goes, I want to tell you what I told Graham. Neither of them has room to judge you or me. Graham is my biological brother. Casey has been my sister for over a decade. And they’re together because they said fuck what anyone has to say about it, including me.

” My head does a little wobble, and I amend the statement.

“Okay, maybe Graham said fuck them all. Casey cared, but not enough to walk away.”

Poppy’s thumb continues to stroke my cheek, a smile lighting across her face. “He doesn’t strike me as the type to have let her walk away.”

I scoff. “He’s not. He bulldozed her ass so hard, but she’d been in love with him since she was a kid. When his feelings caught up—after he stopped seeing her as a kid, it was inevitable.”

“One question. How are we navigating this at the party later?”

“Fucking party.” I would rather have a colonoscopy than be there. I drag my hands up her arms, more for me than her. “How about we just play it cool for now?” It grates my nerves to say that, but it’s for the best.

“Cool? Like we’re fuck buddies? Or something else?”

My fingers dig into her sides, pinching a little while, tickling her sides. “How about two people who find each other attractive and interesting? That are curious where it might go. No need to let on that I’ve been inside every fuckable hole of your body countless times over forty-eight hours.”

She swats me, sticking her tongue out. “Remarks like that are how it never happens again.”

“Keep telling yourself that. But I need to warn you, this party might not go the way you’re expecting.

” Might not is a lie. It definitely won’t go the way she thinks it will.

There is no doubt in my mind that before it’s over, it will become a drama-fueled event to rival the most dramatic of soap opera scenes.

Dammit, I shouldn’t go. Casey begged me to, but my being there only guarantees her efforts will be wasted.

“I have no expectations, Jagger. A birthday party for a grown man and a toddler is new ground for me.” Her hands clap over her mouth. “Oh, my God. I don’t have a gift.” I laugh.

“Halfpint, don’t worry about it. There’s nothing in the world that either birthday boy needs that they don’t already have.” I sigh. “I just wanted to warn you it might get…messy.” God, what an understatement. And if she finds out the truth before I can tell her...

I wish I could talk her out of going because finding out the truth is imminent. One look...

She waves my comment away, sliding off my lap. “I can handle messy. Now, come on. I have a ballet to dance in, and you have a party to set up.”

***

I knew Casey could be neurotic. Her mom fucked with her head so much when she was a kid, trying to force her to be something she wasn’t, while ensuring Casey knew she would never be what her mother wanted, that she became the single most insecure kid I’d ever met.

In a lot of ways, her issues run deeper than mine.

We’ve all tried to help her realize she’s perfect as she is, but as with most things, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

But the level of anal-retentive planning and over-the-top bullshit for this party is ridiculous.

“Why the hell are we assembling a jungle gym inside?” I ask Graham as I reach for a screwdriver. “Also, did she think she was putting this together? You got suckered, and I got suckered by proxy.”

“She wants the kids to have fun,” Graham hammers two pieces together for the slide. “She didn’t want them to feel like they were dragged to a stuffy adult party with cake. The ones old enough will be in here so the adults can enjoy conversation without kids running between their legs.”

“Tell me Casey hasn’t been around many kids without telling me she hasn’t been around many kids,” I snort.

“And you have?”

“Graham, before you came, that office was filled with kids. It seemed like for the first few months, every time I walked in a door, there was another kid.” I toss the screwdriver and stand.

The small playset moves with ease across the marble floors as I position it, then give it a shake to ensure it’s sturdy.

“This one is done. I’m going to grab something to drink. Do you want anything?”

“No.” He grunts, tossing the hammer, wincing when it cracks the marble tile.

He rakes an aggravated hand through his hair as he stares at the slide like it personally offended him.

I suppose it did, since it’s the only thing he managed to put together compared to my three.

“I’m heading up for a shower.” He looks at his watch, rolling his eyes.

“When I come back down, we can start setting out food.”

We walk out, him taking the stairs to the fourth floor while I turn right for the kitchen.

When I get there, Maggie is standing at the counter, cutting fruit into small pieces.

A high-pitched squeal erupts from a few feet away.

I turn, meeting vivid pale green eyes, dark curls, and a slobbery smile.

“He’s been asking for you.” Maggie tells me.

I walk across the room, squatting to get eye level with his high chair, and it’s like looking at a baby photo of myself. “What’s up, little man?” My fingers brush over his soft hair. “Miss me?” He makes grabby hands at me, and I can’t resist his innocent demands.

A year ago, I couldn’t look at him, but I made a promise to try with him. To be in the same room and not feel nauseous. It was slow at first, but he’s become the only reason I keep coming around because not even Casey could keep me coming here to deal with my dad.

But Noah? He’s my favorite person.

“He should be with you.”

I turn, finding my brother standing in fresh jeans and a T-shirt, his hair damp from his shower.

“I can’t take him away from the only home and people he’s ever known, Graham. It’s not fair.”

“Same conversation we had six months ago, with different reasoning.” He says it out loud, but I can tell it’s really an observation. “He’s a baby, Jagger. He’ll adapt.” When I don’t respond, he sighs. “You didn’t sign the papers.”

“I know.” A tiny fist shoves into my mouth, making the words garbled and distorted. “I was going to. Had every intention, but I couldn’t do it.”

“It’s not a bad thing, Jagger. No matter the circumstances of how he came into this world, he is your son. It’s natural that you want him…love him.”

Except six months ago, I hated him. If I’d been given the option, he wouldn’t exist at all.

Even though things have changed over the past few months, I know I don’t deserve him. Not after the thoughts and feelings I had. He was never at fault. He’s pure and innocent. Deserves to be held, loved, and cared for.