Page 58 of Painkiller (Sin Records #3)

T he ride back to Jagger’s apartment was mostly in silence. The weight on his shoulders was almost visible. Mine nearly as much.

The rest of the afternoon, I tried to wrap my mind around everything.

I wasn’t angry that he had a kid. Two weeks wasn’t much time to know each other, much less spring a kid.

Hell, we’d only just decided to see what this was between us.

Even if Noah had been with him the entire time, it would’ve been understandable that he waited to share that bit of information.

Though it would’ve made the drugs, drinking, and excessive lifestyle a bit more troubling.

It changed things. I just wasn’t sure what yet. It definitely added to the complication that he was, but he took care of my complications. Thanks to him, I didn’t have to work until I felt like dying. I intended to pay him back for everything, but I didn’t have to stress now.

It still didn’t make it any clearer where it left us. If I wanted to involve myself with a guy who had a kid.

For a nanosecond, I was angry with him about Noah because he abandoned his kid like my dad abandoned Phoebe and me. But it was only a nanosecond. Putting two and two together after the woman in the salon took even less time. I couldn’t blame him for how he felt.

Then I heard it all. He promised me answers, but the way I got them? It might’ve been wrong, but hearing the raw, unfiltered story. I couldn’t stop the tears. My heart broke for him.

He said he wasn’t a hero, and he was right. He was so much more. What he endured to protect his stepsister…

You want to believe—and I’m sure he does—that anyone in that position would do the same.

But it’s just not true. Maybe I’m jaded, but I don’t believe humans are inherently selfless.

They definitely aren’t inclined to sacrifice themselves for others.

Yet he did, and the pain I felt because he couldn’t see it made my knees weak.

It’s a lot to unpack, so the entire ride, I stared out the window, watching as we drove through Manhattan.

Jagger carried Noah and his pack-n-play while I carried his bags. The elevator ride was just as subdued as the trip here. I wasn’t sure if we were both processing or if we didn’t know what to say. It was probably a little of both.

It only took a few minutes to get Noah down. He fell asleep on the ride here and barely stirred when Jagger put him down, other than to smile and mumble as he reached for Jagger’s face.

Now, we walk side by side through the apartment to the living room.

Jagger walks to his bar that sits in front of the windows overlooking Central Park.

I watch as he retrieves two glasses, noting how he hasn’t touched any of it since I’ve been here until now.

I know he calls himself an addict and an alcoholic, but I’m not convinced.

Not with how he’s refrained for the last several days without a hint of withdrawal.

In my experience with Phoebe, he wouldn’t have lasted an entire day, much less three, and a mentally and emotionally anguishing day.

I can’t blame him for needing a drink. And I’m more than a little appreciative that he brings me one as well.

I take a healthy swallow, then drag my thumb across my bottom lip to wipe away the excess, watching as he tosses back his entire glass. “It’s the only one I’m having,” he tells me. “I needed something to relax me just a little. My mind is chaos right now.”

“So much for me being your cure,” I joke.

“You still are, Halfpint. Trust me. It would be worse right now without you, but I wouldn’t do that with him here.”

“I’m not judging,” I promise, then add. “He loves you so much.”

“I’m the fun uncle , ” he scoffs. “I only come around to play.”

“No. That’s not it. Don’t kid yourself. Did you teach him to call you dad?” He shakes his head while I take another small sip of my drink. “The bond is there. Maybe it took you a while to get there, but he knows. He can sense it.”

“You do realize if it weren’t for Casey, I still wouldn’t be there, right?”

My shoulders tip. “I don’t blame you. You’re stronger than me. If I were in your shoes…”

He takes my glass, then sets both down behind him before reaching for me. His hands wrap my waist, pulling me closer. Deft fingers reach up, brushing a few stray hairs that have fallen from my ponytail away from my face. “I know none of this is what you expected.”

Not in a million years did I expect this. How could I? The last thing I expected to find was that he had a secret baby. It’s more than a twist. It’s a Labyrinth. “I knew you were complicated.”

“Complicated?” he scoffs. “Poppy, this is a hurricane disguised as a disaster movie. This is my life turned inside out, and I shouldn’t have dragged you into the middle of it.

If I were a better person, I wouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself.

I still can’t.” His forehead drops to mine.

Lashes brush his cheeks as his eyes close.

“I know I told you I would let you walk away, but I won’t.

I won’t be able to. It isn’t fair of me, but I need you. ”

My ribs physically ache from the pounding of my heart. Choices and consequences ricochet against my temples until a dull throb sets in.

I don’t know what to do. What to say. The way I feel about him is intense. Attraction and lust have been present from the start, but over the last three days, he’s dug his way beneath my skin, into my veins.

But the fact remains, this thing between us has happened at light speed. There’s no foundation and a lot of passion pretending to be certainty. We’ve navigated the last few days on emotions, but now we must face reality. “What are you going to do?”

“Don’t do that.” I hear his anguish behind the harsh tone. “Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m not.” His eyes flash, calling my bullshit with a single look.

“Okay. Fine. But that’s what you should be thinking about, Jagger.

Not me. I’m not what’s important here. You have decisions to make that could affect you for the rest of your life.

No matter what you choose. This thing between us? It’s irrelevant right now.”

His mouth turns to a hard slash, a mask for the pain my statement just caused. He’s not alone. It hurt me to say them. Doesn’t make it less true.

My thumb presses between his brows, trying to soothe his frown. “I’m not trying to hurt you. But he should be your priority. I’m just the girl you’ve been fu—”

Air rushes from my lungs. A warning grips my face.

“Don’t you fucking dare finish that sentence.

I laid it all out for you this weekend. You’re my priority.

He is my priority. The two are not mutually exclusive.

” His lips meet mine, hard and punishing.

The kiss is possessive, full of intent and promise.

In a breath, I’m lost to it, but he’s pulling away just as quickly.

I see the sheer panic in his eyes. “I don’t know what to do.

” His voice breaks with every word. “How the hell can I raise him when I’m such a wreck? ”

“Open adoption is a thing, but can you really let him go? I saw how you looked at him.”

“I don’t want to, but isn’t that selfish when I know he’d probably be better off far away from me?”

“He wouldn’t be better without you, Jagger. Knowing what I do about you, no one could teach him how to be a better human. But that’s something you have to decide for yourself.”

“I don’t know how to be a parent.”

“Pretty sure no one does. At least, not with the first one.” I cup his cheek, thumb stroking along the sharp line of his jaw. “I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can’t. That’s a decision only you can make.”

“Just tell me what you think. What you really think.”

I think back to what I heard him tell his father. What I heard Casey say. “I think if you were going to give him up, you would’ve done it already.” My fingers thread through his silky strands as I push up onto my toes, pressing my lips to the column of his throat.

When I try to pull away, he grips my chin, tilting my head back, bringing his mouth to mine once again.

A tender swipe against my lips has them parting, allowing him entry.

Unhurried and gentle, he teases and explores.

Cashmere crawls up my thighs, slow and teasing, until his fingers grip the hem, pulling it higher.

I reach down, grabbing his hand. “We shouldn’t. Noah is…”

“Asleep,” he whispers, affection skimming over my sensitive skin.

“But what if he wakes up? Shouldn’t you be in there?”

“That’s what the monitor is for.” The dress is pulled over my head before I can argue, and I realize he’s backed me to the sofa. “Let me worship you before you convince yourself we can’t keep going.”

“I never said…”

He quiets me with his mouth as he lowers me onto the sofa, continuing his path down my throat, between my breasts, and over my stomach.The sound of a zipper cuts through the sound of my staggered breaths.

After he’s peeled off my boots and leggings, his tongue laps a seductive trail over my calf.

Goosebumps erupt over my skin when he kisses behind my knee, then repeats it all on the other leg.

His fingers hook into my panties, dragging them over my hips and down my legs.

My mind is a hazy fog when he drops his face between my thighs.

Blown pupils with pale green rims meet mine.

“You didn’t have to say it. It’s been written on your face since we got here.

” I yelp when his teeth sink into my adductor muscle.

“This isn’t about you. This is about me.

I need this before I have to start reminding you that I’m not letting you go.

I need to drown in you for a little while. ”

Seconds. That’s all it takes before I’m a writhing, whimpering, pleading mess.

He’s the master of my body. He doesn’t make me suffer, wasting no time giving me what I need.

Stars explode behind my eyes. The strings he commands pull at my spine, arching my back.

My body convulses as ecstasy rips through me with one orgasm quickly following another.

I barely register the sound of foil ripping, my core still clenching, when he’s buried inside me, unsure when he removed his clothes.

He palms my ass, tilting my hips as he thrusts in long, slow strokes.

My arms wrap around him, the powerful muscles of his back flexing beneath my touch, then wrap my legs around him.

Bringing his face to mine, I slip my tongue between his lips.

I stroke long and slow into his mouth, matching my pace with the pivot of his hips.

This isn’t frenzied and chaotic. It’s a desperate need to hang on, to each other and the moment, filled with fear of the unknown and consumed with hope it’s forever. It’s…it’s…

Love. Unspoken, yet unyielding. Consuming.

Everything.

“Jagger,” I gasp as my core ripples around him. A slow fire trickles down my spine, burning a path, stealing my breath, and bringing tears to my eyes. “Jagger, I…I…”

“I know,” he whispers, kissing them from my cheeks. “Me too.”

He buries his face into my neck, his movements become needy and desperate as he erupts inside me just as I fall over the edge. A sob breaks free as my world shatters and rearranges itself, carving out a space that belongs to him. That will only ever belong to him.

Moments later, our positions have changed, with me resting on top of his chest. Lazy strokes leave a trail of goosebumps down my back, and I let out a sigh more contented than I thought possible after today.

“Not letting you go,” he breathes against my hair. “I know it’s selfish, but I don’t care.”

I’m not sure how long we lay there, wrapped in each other, but it doesn’t take long before his soft snore of exhaustion is the only thing I hear. My mind is a chaotic mess. I walked into this apartment unsure of what I would do. If I wanted to be a part of the complications of his life.

The answer was always there. I was just too afraid to face it. To acknowledge what it meant and how it would affect me.

My phone pings, breaking into my quiet contemplation. I reach over, and my breath catches as I stare at the name on the screen and the message.

Carefully, I untangle myself from his grip, planting my lips over his heart, then brushing his messy hair from his face as I murmur in his ear. “Don’t let me go.”

And I gather my things and leave .