Page 57 of Painkiller (Sin Records #3)

D ad’s eyes grow wide, worried. For the first time, maybe ever, he’s quiet, his jaw clamped shut, lips turning white from how tightly they’re pressed together. His gaze jerks to Graham, and I see the silent request. Do something.

He’s scared of me. I imagine if I had a mirror right now, I’d be scared of me, too. Because I know my eyes are narrowed, my lips pulled back. Tendons strain in my neck as I fight the urge to do what he’s imagining.

But that’s not why he’s afraid. For all his bluster, he knows I am the only one who has any say over Noah’s life. He also knows that, unlike when Casey was a child, he doesn’t have the means to fight me. He’s broke, and I’m not Liam.

“Pick up your chair and listen, Dad,” Graham tells him. “It’s time you listened to him instead of criticizing everything he does.”

“Criticism makes you stronger, better,” he argues, but the crack in his voice makes it weak.

I snort, shaking my head. “Let’s see if you still think so when I’m done.

” I wait until he’s picked up his chair and sits down before I continue.

“Do you know what it was like to be a kid and have your mother die? And not just die, but choose to leave you? Because she wanted to be with her other child, her dead child, more than she wanted to be with the ones who still needed her? How about a father who basically checked out for the next three years? Or looking in the mirror and realizing he would never look at you the same because you have her eyes?” His mouth opens, but before he utters a syllable, my hand comes down on the desk.

“Do not fucking deny it. I’m not stupid.

It’s the reason you couldn’t look at me for years, and the same reason you want Noah. We look like her.”

“I love Noah,” he insists, and I don’t doubt it. Just like I don’t doubt he loves me, too. But he’s never known how to show it. Not really. Not even before my mom died.

I ignore him and keep going. “Fast forward three years later, and your dad brings home a new wife. The outright avoidance turns to indifference. No matter what that kid did or asked for, the few minutes of time he desperately wanted and needed, he got things instead. Money, cars, clothes, games…you name it, he had it. In spades. The breaking point in the kid trying to get his dad to see him was when he showed him a song he wrote, and the dad told him it wasn’t good enough and would never be. Because he wasn’t good enough.”

“You did what?” Graham growls, coming to stand beside me, his glare as fierce as my own.

Dad’s dark brows pinch. “I don’t remember that.”

“That’s not surprising since you said it was a forgettable song no one would care about.

” I shrug. “But none of that matters. Not Mom. Not you. Because this isn’t about that.

It’s about the psychopath you brought into our lives, and I’m not talking about her narcissistic abuse of the staff, her entitlement, or the way she played you like a violin to take a little girl away from her dad.

Those are bad enough, but I’m talking about the woman who attempted to sell her thirteen-year-old little girl to her friends for sex.

The woman who tried to sell Casey’s virginity to the highest bidder. ”

“What are you talking about?”

“That right there.” I point my finger at him, shaking my head.

“It was right in front of you, under your nose. You weren’t aware because you chose not to be.

You refused to see how hurt Casey was over her dad.

Or how the older she got, the more withdrawn she got.

Because Krista made her out to be dramatic. ”

“Casey never told—”

“Casey never told anyone, Dad. That’s the goddamn point! But I saw it. Graham saw it. You were the only one who refused to see.”

“Casey was…,” he trails off, looking at Graham for confirmation.

“No one touched her like that, Dad,” Graham tells her. “ Krista was the only one who hurt her.”

Dad flinches, his nostrils flaring. “If nothing happened, then what are we even talking ab—”.

“Let me tell you all about that, Dad. Give a little insight into why I live my life high as fuck. Why I can barely tolerate being touched most of the time. Why, sometimes, yes I fucking hate you.” I take a breath around the knot in my chest and swallow the lump in my throat.

Tension pulls at every muscle in my body because it’s time to face my demons.

Or at least admit to them. “I tried to tell you once. Do you remember? I was so fucking ashamed of what I’d done.

I didn’t come right out and say what happened, but I did tell you she propositioned me. Do you remember what you said?”

I can feel Graham glaring at me, something else he didn’t know about. And my brother…he’s arrogant, self-righteous, and entitled as hell. But he also feels a deep sense of responsibility, and I’ve slowly accepted that it extends to me.

Dad’s lips tuck between his teeth, his chest rising with a hard inhale. “That you were being ridiculous because Krista had no interest in little boys.”

“Yep. You dismissed me so fast, I knew there was no point in telling you the rest. So you get to hear it now.” And I break it down for him.

The way she slunk into my room every damn night, putting her hands on me.

The way I hated myself because my body reacted as if I wanted it.

The guilt and shame that weighed on me for what I was doing, but too afraid to put an end to it for fear of what she’d do to Casey.

I tell him about the parties she’d have when he was out of town and Casey was at Liam’s.

The men, the women…how they leered at me, touched me, made me touch them…

With each word, my dad sinks lower into his chair, but something in his eyes…

I get to the last time it happened. How I was wasted and horny. How it was dark, and I thought it was someone else because he told me she wouldn’t be there.

His throat clears, his dark eyes slant.

And I know I’ve wasted my breath.

“A man can’t be fucking raped, Jagger,” he says. “You can’t sit there and tell me you didn’t want it. What sixteen-year-old boy wouldn’t want his hot stepmother? And just because you didn’t know it was her doesn’t mean it wasn’t consensual.”

“Are you joking?” Graham looks horrified and shocked. Always thought Dad was just blind to her. But he still saw the man as a good man. A caring father. We were both in denial, desperate to see what wasn’t there. Until now.

It shouldn’t bother me. They’re the same words I’ve told myself. The ones Graham, Casey, and now Poppy have told me aren’t true. But it does. Just not for the same reasons. They dig beneath my skin, and I have to breathe to force them out.

“Now I get it,” I laugh, but it sounds broken.

Instead of anger, all I feel is pain. Unbearable pain, like I did when my mom died.

I rub my palm over my chest, trying to alleviate the growing ache there, knowing it will do no good.

“Now I understand why you fell into her games so easily.” Fire erupts behind my eyes, forcing my head back as I scrub my hands over my face.

Is this how my mom felt? Was her depression something deeper?

I always thought they had an epic love, but maybe it wasn’t epic or love.

Maybe she was just desperate to escape the cause of her pain.

The narcissistic, selfish asshole in front of me.

“You’re just like her. You didn’t fall for anything.

You enjoyed seeing Liam suffer. You punished him for having Krista first.” Another humorless laugh passes from my lips.

“You’ve enjoyed cutting me down, making me feel small and insignificant, like I’m a disappointment and failure, because it kept me in line.

Until it didn’t. That’s why you were pissed Nichols hired me.

That’s why you hated every fucking success Sons of Sin had.

It was because of me, not you. You hated that, didn’t you?

Why’d you even sell?” But I know the answer.

Overheard the conversation outside his office one afternoon.

Nichols wanted out because his son wasn’t interested in the family business, and Dad didn’t have the money to buy him out.

He also owed a debt. One that two very powerful men offered to fix.

Sniffling as I roll my head around my shoulders to fight back some of the emotion, I make up my mind.

God help me, I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

I’m a wreck most of the time. I’m not na?ve enough to think Poppy is a long-term solution to my issues, but this was what I needed.

The kick in the ass to step up like I should’ve months ago.

“I’m not signing those papers. Not today.

Not ever. And I’m taking him home with me. ”

“You can’t do that!” Dad booms, flying out of his chair again, and coming around the desk.

He’s in my face in seconds, nostrils flaring, eyes wild and unhinged.

“He’s mine! He’s my last chance to have a son loyal to me .

You two weren’t. You were determined to do the opposite of everything I wanted.

” He turns his fierce glare on Graham. “And you wanted to take everything from me.”

“That sounds like a you problem, Maxwell.” He swings, and I let him connect with my jaw.

My head snaps back, copper explodes in my mouth.

I lift my hand, brushing a thumb over the blood.

“That was your one and only time to ever do that, so I hope you enjoyed it. Try it again, and I’ll end you.

My days of being a puppet or a doormat ended a long fucking time ago. ”

“I want you out of the house tonight,” Graham grinds out as I turn to leave, officially making my dad childless and homeless with one statement. “Get your shit and go.”

Dad becomes irate, but it’s no use when Graham makes up his mind. Not when he feels betrayed.

Unable to get out of there fast enough, my feet don’t stop moving until I’m at the door. My hands shake as I reach for the knob, ripping it open, and find two sets of red-rimmed eyes staring back at me.

One look at Poppy is all it takes to know they didn’t just appear at the door. They didn’t just hear the last part of the conversation. Looks like that promise I made her was kept. I try not to flinch at the expression on her face, the tears sliding down her cheeks.

Empathy. Sympathy. Not pity. That’s what I remind myself the look is.

Air is knocked from my lungs when long limbs and blond hair attach to me like a koala. Soft sobs echo in my ears as she sniffles. “I would never have asked you to do that,” Casey whimpers as her tears soak my neck. “Why did you do that for me?”

Exhaustion and grief rattle my bones as my arm wraps around her, squeezing tight. “That’s what big brothers are supposed to do for little sisters,” I whisper as my surrender to it all envelops me. “Even when it didn’t seem like I cared, Case, I did.”

“Everyone was always protecting me. I’m sorry.”

“It was our job, Casey, so don’t ever be sorry. Be sorry you needed it at all, but not that we cared.”

“I would’ve protected you too,” she says softly. “If I’d known…”

“I know, Casey.”

Another cry makes her body shudder against mine. Long fingers swipe at her cheeks. She pulls away, tears still shimmering in her eyes. “You’re taking Noah?” she asks, but she already knows the answer. “What’s going to happen? What are you going to do?”

She wants answers. Answers I don’t have because fuck if I know. Even before I said it, my mind went through hundreds of potential problems, scenarios…options. Can I take care of him? Be what he needs? Would he be better off if I let a nice family adopt him?

Part of me thinks he would. Then the dark, sordid, disgusting way he came into this world could be kept from him.

He would never have to know his mother was the worst sort of vile.

The emotional damage that alone might cause nearly breaks me.

He’s already got a truckload of trauma and baggage before I even have the chance to screw him up… let him down.

The other part of me can’t stand the thought of letting him go. Six months ago, I couldn’t look at him. Now I can’t fathom not getting to see him. But does that give me the right to keep him? Doesn’t that make the worst kind of selfish?

“I don’t know,” I finally tell her.

Mouth pulling to the side, she chews her cheek. “Whatever you decide…I offered for you to let him be adopted a while back, but you didn’t because of me.”

“It wasn’t just because of you, Casey,” I reassure her. “Despite what I said in there, it was for Dad too.” When I said it to her all those months ago, I still believed I was the problem. That Maxwell did his best with me. “And it was for Noah.”

“I’m on your side, okay?” One last tear slips down her face. “No matter what. We all want what’s best for him, and I know you’ll do that. Whatever it may look like.”

I nod, my heart heavy, emotions everywhere, but my head clear, and go down the hallway to get my son .