Page 54 of Painkiller (Sin Records #3)

“ I ’m going to fucking kill you both.” I whirl around before either can answer. A flash of purple stomping up the stairs propels me her way, but blond, bubbly happiness leaps in front of me with her goddamn puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah, Case. I stayed, but I need to run upstairs for a minute.”

“Oh, perfect. Quinn took Noah to the conservatory with Asher, and we’re ready for the cake. Can you grab them while you’re up there?”

“Yep. I’ll bring them down.” I sidestep her and start up the stairs, taking two at a time. The elevator would be quicker, but I have no idea where Poppy vanished to.

I call her name as I hit each floor, searching through rooms until all that’s left is the conservatory and the terrace. “Quinn,” I call out, spotting curly blond and fiery copper heads through the window. “Poppy.”

The minute my hand touches the knob, I hear it. The slap of little hands on the tile, racing toward my voice, babbling away. I push the door open, careful to make sure he’s not already in the way, and step into the room.

“Da-da-da-da,” Noah chatters, using my pants to pull himself up.

I pick him up, my eyes meeting Poppy’s. Her face is drained of color. Her eyes swim with…well, everything. I can see her running every scenario through her head, coming to the worst conclusions.

My teeth clench, hating the look on her face. Hating more that I have a choice to make.

Let her in and tell her everything, or let her go.

“Hey, um, Casey is about to bring out the cake,” I say without looking at Quinn. I’m sure she has questions, too, but I don’t owe her any explanations.

“Ake,” Asher squeals. “Ake. Ake.”

“Okay,” Quinn replies as she stands with Asher. “Do you need me to take him, too?”

I press my forehead to Noah’s for a second. “Yeah. That would be helpful.” He whines in protest. “It’s okay, buddy. I’ll see you in a minute.” I kiss his head and nod for her to leave.

Poppy is still on the floor, staring at me with wide, unblinking eyes. I move across the room and squat in front of her with my hands folded in front of me. “Well, you already ran off up here. Want to run some more?”

Her chest rises, a sharp inhale fills the silence between us. Gold and green dart across my face, jumping between my eyes. “H-he’s yours.”

“Yeah, he’s mine.”

“But he’s Casey’s brother.” I nod again.

“Told you I’m the furthest thing from a hero you can get.”

“She raped you, didn’t she?”

All the air whooshes out of me. My knees buckle. A violent shudder shakes loose a laugh—sharp, broken, nothing like a laugh at all. My head falls forward, shaking, while I scrub a hand over my brow. “Can a woman rape a grown man?”

“Under the right circumstances, yes. They absolutely can and will. We may be physically weaker, but some women are manipulative as fuck.”

“Speaking from experience?”

She shrugs, her eyes casting down. “I’ve been part of the ballet world for a long time.

It’s mostly full of people who love the performance.

The art and the beauty. But even ballet has bad apples.

I’ve lost parts for refusing to sleep with directors.

I’ve had male leads try to force themselves on me. ”

My throbbing head pounds harder as my panic turns to fury. “I want names.” I’m going to kill them all.

“No, because it’s in the past,” I say nothing, but I will get those damn names.

“But for the record, I also know several primas who pressured male dancers to sleep with them to keep their parts. A female choreographer. It might not have been physically forced, but it wasn’t willingly.

” Her soft hand cups my face. “You don’t owe me any explanations, Jagger, but if you want to tell me, I’ll listen. ”

My hand covers hers, our fingers threading together. She wrecks my heart and head. It may have only been days, but I feel like she’s what I’ve always needed. Who I was always meant to find. Now that I have her, letting go feels impossible.

“I’ll tell you,” I promise. “I’ll tell you everything. All the ugly, sordid details if you want them. But I need to get downstairs.”

“Sure. Let’s go.”

I push to my feet, then offer her my hand. When she’s standing, I pull her to my chest and press my lips to her head. “I know I’m a lot, and this is so new we squeak. I’m sorry it didn’t get to stay shiny for very long.”

“Shiny is overrated. Real and reliable is what I need.”

I huff, my breath brushing her hair. “Baby, I’m as real as they get, but the reliable part…You’ll have to be patient with me, Halfpint. I’m not known for that.” I lean back, gripping her face between my hands. “Promise you’ll be patient.”

“As long as you can be patient with me, and maybe dial back the jealousy because I not only work with guys, I have friends who are guys. Although I haven’t seen most of my friends in months.”

“Did you, by any chance fuck any of these guys?” Her lips press together, suppressing a smile while her brows lift.

My head falls back, and I groan loudly. “I promise I’ll try, but it might take me a minute to get past this need to rip limbs from bodies for touching you.

I’ve never experienced it before, so managing it will take time. ”

“I’ll make sure you learn quickly.” She winks, then takes my hand in hers, leading me toward the door.

“You sure you want to go back down there like this?” I ask, knowing it will open a fucking massive can of bullshit.

“I am if you are.” Doubt crosses her eyes as she tucks her bottom lip between her teeth.

I reach up, pulling it away. “I’m sure.”

“Then let’s go.” We barely exit the conservatory before she pauses again. “I was um…. I was just wondering why Noah doesn’t live with you.”

“That’s part of that story I promised. Cliff notes version?

” She nods, and I take a breath. “When I found out about him, I was pissed. The sight of him…well, it triggered me. Or I thought it was him. Who knows anymore if it was Noah, my dad, or Noah’s incubator.

But a few months ago, Casey made me promise to come around more and try with him.

It bothered her that I was avoiding him.

Graham, too. And when his mother…” I pause, remembering as far as the world knows, Krista ran off.

No one will ever find her body, and no one but my dad cares enough to report her missing.

A friend of Will’s handled that with some carefully constructed emails and texts from her phone.

“Once she was out of the picture, it was easier for me to be around him. It took like a day to realize I want him. God, I want him. But I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for him.

And I can’t stand the thought of tearing him away from what he knows. ”

“Babies don’t usually remember those things, but Jagger, you would not be bad for him. The second he heard your voice, he lit up like it was Christmas.”

Joy explodes in my chest, sending heat to my cheeks. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She tugs my hand again. “Now come on. We’ve held up the party long enough.”

Our fingers laced together, we walk in silence the rest of the way. A strange fullness blossoms in my chest. My head feels clear.

Contentment? Peace? Whatever it is, the need to cling tight consumes me.

We approach the dining room, meeting Graham at the entry. He looks at our clasped hands, wariness flitting across his features for a brief moment before he shrugs it off. “Go on,” he tells me. “They’re waiting for you.”

“And you.” He’s not getting off the hook today. “This party is as much for you as it is for Noah.”

Graham chuckles, shaking his head. “My dumbass little brother,” he mutters. “It’s for you , too, Jagger. Noah won’t remember this day. You will.”

My mouth twists, the moment of contentment vanishing with a breath. “It will create a lot of questions.”

“No one in there will care, Jagger. They may not like me much, but they all care about you.”

My eyes collide with my dad’s as he comes down the stairs. “Not everyone.”

“Owning up to your failures is hard enough. Imagine having to own up to the fact you failed your son.”

“Don’t have to imagine it.”

“You haven’t failed him, Jagger,” Poppy whispers. “You’re navigating impossible circumstances, but you haven’t failed him.”

Graham gives her an approving nod, then jerks his head for us to go into the room.

I guide Poppy through the door, then Graham and I follow.

No one bats an eye at us. Okay, almost no one.

Lily doesn’t just bat an eye. Her entire face lights up with excitement as she elbows Ashleigh, nodding toward Poppy and me.

I make a note to warn Poppy to steer clear of those two. They’re the female equivalent of Maddox and Ryder.

Speaking of…Quinn bounces a red-faced Noah on her hip while Maddox wrestles a squirming Asher. My heart squeezes at the tears streaking down his face, knowing they are there because I passed him off.

He spots me across the room, and the cries become louder as he makes grabby hands toward me.

My heart thumps hard against my ribs with panic and an inconceivable need to console him.

Poppy squeezes my fingers, and Graham grabs my shoulder.

“You don’t have to do anything,” Graham whispers.

“They won’t judge you. Not a single soul in this room will bat an eye.

Most of them have their own traumas, so they may be able to relate, but this is all on your time.

You don’t have to do anything, but stand right here. ”

Resignation and acceptance expand my lungs as I make my decision. “Yes, I do because watching him cry for me is killing me.”

Graham nods, and a glimmer of pride fills his eyes. I ignore it, uncomfortable under the weight.

In a few steps, I’ve cleared the space separating us. Noah launches himself at me, and I’m quick to tuck him to my chest, gently patting his back as he hiccups. Maddox’s head tilts, a curious look in his blue eyes. But there’s something else there.

“You know, don’t you?”