Page 6 of Owen (Blue Team #1)

The front door closed behind Gabe and I waited.

I heard car doors slamming, and I waited longer.

Finally, I heard engines roar to life and that was when I turned to face Sarah.

Fear.

That was what I saw— all I saw. And it pissed me right the fuck off.

I’d worked hard over the months to ease the look of dread.

I’d given her nothing but easy, not wanting to push her.

Sensing she needed peace after what she’d been through.

Maybe that was a mistake. I should’ve pushed her for answers.

I should’ve made her face her past, then worked to smooth the trauma.

But I hadn’t.

I screwed up, and now I was going to rectify that error knowing full well she’d withdraw and be angry, likely scared, and not giving a single care about either.

It was time.

“Wake up.”

“Huh?” Sarah returned, and her brows pinched.

“It’s time you woke the hell up and started paying attention. ”

Her torso jerked and a deep frown marred her pretty face.

“What?”

I took a good long look at the woman who had shared my home but nothing else, and the familiar feeling of inadequacy washed over me.

I’d shared a home with Naomi. I’d shared my life, my money, my hopes, and she’d shit all over it.

And here I was again, sharing—not to the same extent but in some ways more—and once again the woman before me took, but never gave a goddamn thing back in return.

Not her trust, not her history, nothing.

So what if Natasha stirred long-ago forgotten desire?

The spell Nat wove was a different craving.

I was forty, not twenty. The thrill of meaningless sex had diminished and the three years I’d spent with my ex-wife dulled the fascination of having a family.

Nowadays it took a lot more than tits, ass, and legs to catch my attention.

I’d had plenty of relationships since Naomi, none of them deep and abiding, none of them started with the intent they’d last. A step above meaningless.

That was all I had to offer. Friendship, respect, and sex.

But Nat, she was different. She gave me nothing, wanted nothing, yet I wanted it all.

Her lack of trust and my stupidity pissed me right the fuck off.

“Pay attention! There are a lot of people who are putting their ass on the line for you.”

“I know that.”

“Then start participating in your life.”

“I don’t understand what that means, Owen. I tried and got railroaded into going to Idaho. I wanted to go back to Chicago.”

Christ, the woman had no sense.

“You wanna die? Is that it? You have a death wish?”

“What? No.”

“Then shut up about going to Chicago. ”

Natasha’s shoulders bunched and her arms folded across her waist and the woman shrank back.

Fuck.

“Damn, Nat. I shouldn’t have told you to shut up. I’m sorry.”

“No. You’re right. I need to stop talking. It doesn’t matter what I have to say.”

“Don’t do that. You’re not a teenager, don’t sulk like one.”

“I’m not sulking. I’m admitting you’re right. I should stop talking.”

“Is this what they taught you?” I asked, even though I didn’t need her verbal confirmation. The answer was in the way she held herself.

“I know better than to talk too much.”

It was beginning to dawn on me that not only did I not know Nat at all, I didn’t have the first clue what her father and uncle had done to her. One would think that would quell my temper, unfortunately, it had the opposite effect.

“No, Nat, you don’t talk enough. Christ, woman, open your mouth and stand up for yourself. Speak. Yell. I don’t give a shit, just say something.” I took a step closer and her flinch set my body on fire. “Do you think I’d hit you?”

“No.”

“ Fuck no. That’s the right answer. Fuck no, would I ever put my hands on you in anger.”

“Okay.”

Her whispered agreement felt like a slap in the face.

“Jesus.” My hands went to my hips, and contrary to what I told her I wanted to shake her alive. Shake her until she woke up. Rattle that brain of hers until she lost control.

“What do you want me to say?” she shouted.

Finally.

“Anything. Christ, Nat. Just say something .”

“I can’t.”

And just like that, she gave up .

Fucking hell.

“Whatever. Then stay quiet. Let your life roll by. Let me and the team make you safe, then…I don’t know, continue to move through the rest of your time walking around with your head down.

I wouldn’t call that living, but hey, at least you’ll be breathing.

I won’t have to live my life with your death on my conscience. ”

“That’s not fair.”

“Check it, Nat, life’s not fair. There are no guarantees. No promises. Nothing is owed to you. You want something, fight for it. You want better, fight for it. But fuck, woman, you have to fight.”

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“Bullshit, you don’t.”

“I don’t,” she repeated.

“Right. See, I don’t believe you.” I ticked off on my fingers one by one.

“Somehow, you lived through your father’s abuse, your mother’s neglect, your uncle’s madness, being sold, a kidnapping, and a beating.

And you did that by fighting . The war might’ve taken place in your mind, but you fought it.

And you won. But standing here with me, a man you know will never hurt you, you lock yourself away and give up. ”

“You think I won?”

“Hell yeah, I do.”

A somber look passed over her pale face and sadness crept into her eyes and I wished I could’ve rewound the last ten minutes and never opened my mouth.

“Then you’re blind, Owen. I didn’t win anything.

I didn’t fight a great war in my mind. I did the only thing I knew how to do, and that was push it away so I wouldn’t have to feel.

I learned to go numb. That’s not winning, that’s surviving.

And just so you know, I don’t have a death wish.

I don’t want to live with your death on my conscience.

I don’t want my uncle wreaking havoc on good people.

He’s a maniac. He won’t care. I’m not worth this. ”

I was done.

So done.

Over the top, deep in my gut, fucking done .

“Pack up, we’re leaving in ten.”

I turned and made it to the mouth of the hall when Natasha’s words stopped me.

“That’s it?”

I craned my neck and looked over my shoulder.

“Yeah, Nat. That’s it. There’s nothing I can say that will make you pull your head out of your ass. And if I have to listen to you tell me you’re not worth it one more time, I’m gonna lose my motherfucking mind.”

“But—”

“No buts. No more bullshit. If you were my woman, I’d show you a hundred different ways all the reasons why you’re wrong.

I wouldn’t tell you with words, I’d show you and I’d do it in a way so you’d never fucking forget how precious your life is.

You’d know your worth and you’d damn well know what you meant to me.

So do me a favor, yeah? The next time you wanna put yourself down, don’t. ”

I made it to my room, rooted through my closet, found a backpack, and tossed clothes in. Less than ten minutes later, I was back in the living room waiting for Natasha. I couldn’t remember a damn thing I’d packed. It was only minutes before and I couldn’t recall if I’d grabbed my toothbrush.

My good sense had fled, and at some point, Sarah had once again become Natasha.

A smart man would escort her to the office, tell Zane he had to back away from the case, and let Myles take responsibility for her.

Myles wouldn’t forget she was Sarah. He wouldn’t have dreams about her under him.

He wouldn’t itch to pull her close and taste her mouth. He would be perfectly professional .

Natasha came into the living room with a pack over her shoulder, her movements slow, her eyes deadened, and her presence cold.

I hated everything about the way she looked.

It would seem I was stupid. I wasn’t going to drop her off and let my team leader take over. I wasn’t going to back off. Not until the woman grew a backbone and told me to fuck off.

Yeah, that was what I was going to do. I was going to push her to the extreme, force her to acknowledge her anger, and keep pushing until she unleashed unholy hell. Then I’d walk away. Then I’d know she was ready to stand up for herself.

“Ready?” I asked.

“Um, yeah. I didn’t know if I was coming back here.”

I waited for her to say more but she didn’t, so I prompted, “And?”

“And, so, I didn’t know what to do. I only brought what fit in this.” She lifted the strap of the pack. “I left the rest.”

I was being a dick, which served no purpose except to be an asshole because my feelings were hurt.

“You’re coming back here,” I assured her. “And we’re going to Idaho, not a deserted island. If we need something we’ll go to the store and get it.”

“I thought we were hiding.”

“Okay, I’ll amend. You won’t go but someone will. We got everything covered.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

Natasha jerked her chin up in defiance. “You asked me to trust you. So I’ve decided to try to do that.”

“Just like that?” I didn’t bother to hide the skepticism.

“No, not just like that. I know you won’t believe me but I don’t want to die. But more, I don’t want anyone to get hurt either. I’ve warned you about my uncle. He’s crazy, Owen, really and truly crazy. Please believe me. ”

Oh, I believed her.

“I’ve done my research on Wilco. I’m fully briefed on his level of depravity. We all are.”

Nat was quiet for a beat before her solemn gaze met mine.

“Promise me one thing.” It was a demand, not a question, so I remained silent and waited. “Don’t get dead.”

“None of us are going to die.”

“Promise me, Owen.”

“I promise.”

Relief washed over her features and her shoulders sagged.

“I’m ready.”

I looked Natasha over one more time and found it doubtful that was the truth. The only thing she looked ready for was more pain, more disappointment, more misery.

She didn’t realize it yet, but those days were over for her.