Page 21 of Owen (Blue Team #1)

I know what happened this morning changes nothing between us.

I gritted my teeth and bowed my head.

My first time where sex was a mutual exchange.

Mutual pleasure.

The first time I enjoyed being touched and kissed.

Jesus, fuck. I continued to stare at my feet, happy that after we walked back to the house, Nat had gone up to take a shower and I was alone in the cabin.

Thankful she’d let me hold her for as long as she had.

Grateful she’d let me hold her hand on the way back to the cabin.

And pleased as all fuck she’d chatted the entire trek through the forest.

Nothing of importance was shared, but I listened to every word she’d said. She’d never been on a four-wheeler or a dirt bike. Never skied. Never sledded. Never made s’mores.

That I was going to rectify.

I pushed off the counter and slipped out onto the back patio, one of the few places I had cell reception, and called Gabe.

“’Low.”

“You still in town?”

“Yep. Everything okay? ”

“Yeah. I need you to grab something for me.”

“Already got what you need,” he returned.

“What?”

“Condoms.”

“Don’t—”

“Jumbo—pack that is, not size. The box should last you for the rest of our stay, unless you’re planning on making her—”

“Seriously, shut the fuck up.”

My first time where sex was a mutual exchange.

Fucking, hell.

“You’ve got a bad attitude for a man who had—”

“This afternoon she told me that what we shared was the first time it was a mutual exchange.”

“Fuck.”

“So you wanna keep taking shots at me, fine. But pick something else.”

“You had to know—”

“Yeah, Gabe, I knew she’d likely been forced to perform sex acts against her will,” I seethed. “But hearing her confirm my suspicions, it burned into my brain in a way that I will never fucking forget. So pick something else.”

“Right.”

“So since you’re still in town grab some chocolate bars, marshmallows, and graham crackers. Also, pick up cereal—something sugary like Cocoa Puffs or Fruity Pebbles. Anything but granola, Grape-Nuts, or Cheerios. And milk.”

“She’s never had cereal,” Gabe rightly surmised.

“She’s never had cereal,” I confirmed.

Gabe let out a sigh and I waited for him to tell me what was on his mind. I didn’t bother bracing, I knew it was going to piss me off, probably make me angry. There was no use wasting the effort. Gabe was Gabe. He said what he wanted to say. And he did it however he wanted to do it.

“You know, you can’t give her everything she’s never had. ”

“I sure as fuck can try.”

“True enough.” There was another sigh and this time I braced. “Does this mean you’ve pulled your thumb out of your ass?”

I know it meant nothing to you but it means everything to me. It’s mine and I’m not giving it back.

“It means, while we’re here I’m giving her everything I can.”

“You know she’s not Naomi, right?”

What the fuck?

“Nat’s so different from that bitch, it never even crossed my mind.”

“You’re a goddamn liar. I know it did, because in your mind, all women are just like your ex-wife. But I’m telling you, Nat is not Naomi.”

“We’re not—”

“She’s not fucking Naomi!”

“We’re not—”

“She’s not fucking Naomi, asshole. Do you hear me?”

“How the hell can you say that, Gabe? You barely know her.”

“Saw the way she smiled at you when you opened the door for her. Smiling over firewood, brother. Fucking wood. She was smiling because she did something so small that in the grand scheme of life was so fucking meaningless it’s laughable.

But to her, it was everything. You did that to her.

She looked like you handed her the moon.

Don’t need nothing else. Just that smile to tell me that woman doesn’t want stuff.

She doesn’t want your money, what you can buy her.

Shit, she argued with me for thirty minutes over the jacket I bought her. ”

“She’s feeling guilty about us buying her things.”

“ No shit? Do you hear yourself? When did Naomi feel guilt over…anything? Let me help you out with that, she di dn’t. Not an ounce of remorse when she overspent and got your ass in debt.”

Gabe was right about that. Naomi expected things —a lot of them.

And when I was gone, she felt it was her due getting them, not caring that we couldn’t afford any of it.

I went on deployment she thought that meant she deserved jewelry—expensive jewelry.

And clothes, and shoes, and whatever else she wanted when she wanted.

This included attention. Attention she wanted even if her husband wasn’t there to give it to her—and she found a way to get that, too, frequently.

By the end of our marriage, Naomi had forgotten she was married.

That was my fault, too. Another misguided play to make me jealous in hopes I’d be a better husband.

“We’re not talking about this. Just get what I asked.”

“I’ll get what you asked for when you promise me you’ll think about what I said,” he returned.

Now he was seriously pissing me off. Sticking his nose in shit that was none of his business. I didn’t give the first fuck that was Gabe’s way. I didn’t care he thought his intentions were righteous.

“Mind your business.”

“Owen—”

“Months. Fucking months this is all I’ve thought about.

You don’t think I see it? That I don’t feel it?

I damn well do. But when this is done, she’s gonna be free to go on her merry way.

She’ll finally be clear of that asshole and she deserves the chance to explore what all that means.

So, tell me, Gabe, where does that leave me?

When she walks out the door—no, when she walks out my front door, out of my house, my life and I’m left with nothing. I know what this is.”

“You don’t know shit, dumbass.”

And with that Gabe hung up on me.

Nosy bastard was right again. I was a dumbass.

But he was also wrong, I knew Natasha deserved more than I could give her.

I was still the same man I was back when I was married.

I might not be in the military anymore, but I still had a job that took me out of the country for months at a time.

This last stretch was the longest my team had been stateside in years.

I was a nomad; I had no roots; I didn’t own the house we lived in.

I rented it, fully furnished. I didn’t own a stick of furniture and I was okay with that.

My life was all about my team—the mission.

Natasha deserved better than that. I was old enough to know who I was and what I needed.

Zane Lewis gave me a purpose. My work filled a need in me.

My life was easy, structured, controlled.

Who the hell was I kidding?

I was paralyzed by my past. I didn’t control a damn thing in my life, a ghost did.

A woman who was no longer in my life controlled my emotions.

Everything I thought and felt always defaulted to her.

How she’d made me feel, what she’d done to me, who she said I was.

And the fuck of it was, I’d believed her.

I’d willingly allowed it in an effort to protect myself from ever falling for another woman.

I’d given Naomi the power to destroy me.

I was a goddamn zombie.

I was everything I’d accused Natasha of being. I was walking, breathing, and going through the motions but I was not living.

My gaze went to a small stack of wood someone had piled up on the patio then moved to across the yard to the rocks Rhode had carefully stacked to form a fire pit. Tonight I’d build Nat a fire and give her s’mores. Tomorrow morning I’d give her Cocoa Puffs. Beyond that, I wasn’t sure.

What I was sure about was I was done being a pussy.

I was done allowing someone else to control my reactions, my emotions, my thoughts.

I should’ve been done with it nearly twenty years ago.

But instead, I’d kept that wound raw. I’d kept the blood flowing, using the pain as a reminder I was everything Naomi said I was.

Needing it as proof all women were lying, cheating, grasping bitches so I’d never fall prey again.

I’d wasted years, so many years, anger flashed and burned hot. And the fuck of it was I had no one to blame but myself. I’d done it to myself. Naomi did what she did. But I’d been the asshole that had turned my life to shit.

That was going to change.

“It’s on fire,” Nat announced and waved her marshmallow. “What do I do now?”

“Blow it out.” Big, beautiful, horror-filled eyes went from the fireball to me and I couldn’t stop my smile from turning into a chuckle. “Babe, blow it out.”

“You’re laughing at me.”

I was.

She was being cute as all get-out.

Without thought, I grabbed her wrist and guided the now scorched ball of sugary goodness in front of my face and blew out the flame. I let go and picked up a graham cracker, broke it in half, and held it out.

“Slide the marshmallow on,” I told her.

Once that was done I smooshed the chocolate bar over the marshmallow, and finished by placing the other half of the graham cracker on top.

“There. It’s all ready for you.”

Nat looked up from the gooey mess and those beautiful eyes of hers danced. Then she took the s’more and without a shred of ladylike grace, she took a bite. A big one. Melted marshmallow oozed out the sides and over her fingers.

“This is…” she said around a mouthful of chocolate, cracker, and charred marshmallow. “The best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

“Good, right? ”

Nat chewed and swallowed before she smiled huge. “ The best.”

“Next time, you’ve gotta try it with a peanut butter cup,” Myles told her.

“You mean there are different kinds?”

Nat’s eyes lit with excitement and all my irritation at Myles butting into my moment with Nat slid clean away.

Suddenly I didn’t care the guys had horned in on s’mores.

Seeing Nat smile while chocolate smeared the corner of her mouth, the fire dancing in the pit, my brothers sharing in the moment, felt right.

“Pick your poison.” Kevin tossed the bag of candy on the log next to Nat. “There’s peanut butter cups, Snickers, Almond Joy, and Twix. Only do the Snickers if you have the patience to wait for it to melt.”

Natasha bumped my arm with her shoulder and asked, “Which one do you want?”

“Just plain chocolate for me.”

“Seriously? That’s boring.”

Her nose scrunched and her lips twisted into a disgruntled pout that looked more like a frown, and that on any other woman would’ve looked downright ridiculous.

But she pulled it off in a way that made her look adorable.

The urge to kiss her surged through me, and while I beat back the impulse, I let the desire course through me.

There was no use denying it. I felt it. I wanted Natasha, and not just while we were hiding her.

I wanted her for keeps.

I wanted to stop sleeping through life and start living it.

But first I was going to free her from Wilco Pollaski.

“That’s Owen,” Kevin joined. “Totally boring.”

“He is not,” Nat defended, and the tingle that worked its way up my back made me jolt in surprise.

Unfortunately, Gabe didn’t miss this, and when I looked over at him, his dirty look said it all.