Page 5

CHAPTER 4

B EN

My hands tremble as I approach the table where Trina sits, waiting for our “date.” I thought this idea was so clever when it occurred to me last week. Contribute to a good cause and get Trina locked down for an hour where she can’t—or shouldn’t—walk away. But now, I’m really questioning what the hell I was thinking.

When I arrive at the table, I clear my throat, and she looks up from her phone and gives me a tight smile that doesn’t meet her eyes before she sets her phone down on the table.

“Benjamin.” Her voice is curt.

I pull my chair out and sit down. “Hey, Trina.”

We spend the next five minutes looking awkwardly around, neither of us saying anything. Thanks to all that is holy, our server shows up with our dinner and takes our drink order. At least we can focus our attention on our food now.

About ten minutes into eating, Trina speaks. “Why did you do this?” Her voice is quiet, a mixture of confusion and resignation, never looking up from the plate where she pushes her food around without taking a bite.

Time to man up.

I place my fork down on my plate.

“Well, it’s for a good cause, for one.”

Trina looks up at me, her expression flat. “You could have made a donation.”

“Well, yeah. I could have. But then I wouldn’t be able to talk to you about something without risking you walking—or storming—away.”

Trina lifts an eyebrow at me. “If I want to walk away, I will. Just to be clear.”

“Believe me, I’m aware.” I chuckle nervously, then clear my throat. “So, the real reason I bid on you is because I realized I owe you an explanation.”

Trina leans back in her seat and frowns at me. I watch as she grasps a thick piece of her hair and repeatedly combs her fingers through it. I stare at the motion for a few seconds, remembering it’s her tell when she’s nervous or uncomfortable.

“When we broke up all those years ago, I convinced myself that you wronged me. That I was the one who got hurt.” She looks up at the ceiling and shakes her head slowly, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m not done. Let me finish before you make a judgment about what I’m gonna say. Okay?”

Trina looks back at me, but her eyes are hard, her lips pursed. “Fine.”

“When I realized you were still embarrassed to let anyone know we were together, it hurt me. But, instead of being patient and talking about it, I let my ego get in the way. I thought it meant you didn’t want to be with me.”

“I couldn’t tell you why I said no because you refused to talk with me for three days,” she hisses.

“I know.” I run a hand through my hair and take a deep breath. “The girl in the diner that day had been flirting with me for a while before you came in and I’d made it clear I wanted nothing to do with her. But then you walked in, and all the hurt came flooding back and my bruised ego wanted to make you jealous. I didn’t think. Instead, I pulled her onto my lap so you would see. I wanted you to lay your claim to me… in public.”

“You thought cheating on me would make me do that?” she whispers.

I flinch. Because she’s not wrong. “I didn’t see it like that at the time. I thought we were temporarily broken up. Truthfully, I wasn’t even thinking beyond those couple of minutes while it was happening. I… I wasn’t thinking about how it would make you feel. I was thinking about how I felt. What I did was wrong.”

She lifts her wine glass to take a sip, and I don’t miss her hand trembling. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s in the past.”

“It matters. It matters because I spent all these years thinking you walked away and ruined us. But it was me. It was me and my pride all along. I should have been patient and let you explain the night I stormed out of your apartment.”

Sadness flashes through her eyes and my vision blurs with tears I never planned to let her see.

“It’s fine, Ben.” She turns away and won’t look at me now.

“It’s not fine. It’s not been fine for a long time now. I meant everything I said to you back then, Trina. I meant it all. You should know that.”

“Please stop,” she pleads.

“I can’t. Because you’ll never give me this chance again. I owe it to you to let you know.”

She turns her gaze back to mine. “You owe me nothing. You’ve moved on just fine. I saw you on New Year’s?—”

“No. You saw what I wanted you to see… again. I would like to say that I’ve grown up in the years since we ended, but it’s apparently not true. When you pulled that man to you to dance, a jealous rage filled me. That woman—she was a means to an end. A way to feed my ego and try to make you feel half as jealous as I was.”

A sarcastic laugh escapes her. “I’m sure that didn’t stop you from going home with her.” Her fury and distrust are clear in her tone.

“I didn’t.” I turn my face away and swipe the back of my hand across my eyes.

“Okay, sure.” Trina looks away from me now, her eyes darting everywhere but at me.

“Trina, I’ve got no reason to lie to you. I’m aware there’s no going back for us. But I haven’t been able to get past you.”

“Oh, so you’ve been celibate?” she asks sarcastically.

“Not celibate. No. But I’ve only had sex with three women since you. And I’ve never…”

She gives me a few seconds to finish and, when I don’t, she narrows her eyes on me and asks, “Never what?”

“I’ve not kissed another woman—well, except my mom and sisters on the cheek—since you. I can’t bring myself to do it. Which doesn’t bode well for having a relationship because women tend to get pissed when you won’t kiss them.”

“What?” Her eyes narrow and her jaw drops. “You’re lying.” Her voice is a whisper.

“I’m not. There’s nothing left to lose by telling you the truth.” I scoff. “Except my pride, I guess. But my pride has cost me too much already. So, screw it.”

“Why are you telling me all this now?” Her tone is softer now.

I swallow the lump in my throat.

“I heard you telling the guys at the station that you don’t believe in soulmates or a one true love, and I hate you feel like that. I think maybe I did that to you.” She pales, wrapping her arms around her chest and rubbing her hands up and down. “As much as it kills me to think of you being with someone else, it’s worse to think that I stole your hope for that. The second thing… I need you to know I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for what I did to you that night. For hurting you. I’ll never forgive myself for that. But,”—I take a deep breath—“I know how much you wanted to be loved and to have a family. If I messed up your heart so badly that you haven’t let yourself search for that, you’ve got to let go of what I did. There are much better men than me out there. Men who would be more worthy of you and not fuck it up like I did.”

She takes a sip of her drink and won’t meet my eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t want those things anymore.”

A sharp pain shoots through my chest at her words. At what I fear I ruined for her.

We’re both staring down at the table, silent, when Janie announces it’s time for the first dance.

“You ready?” Trina asks quietly.

I chuckle, but it can’t cover the sadness radiating off me. “Nah. I owe you one, Trina. So, I’m gonna let you off the hook and not hold you to the dance.”

Trina stands, and I’m sure she’s going to walk away, but she doesn’t. When I peer up at her, she’s watching me. “C’mon, Ben. It’ll be worse for me if we don’t dance. Everyone will assume I’m being a jerk.”

I stare up at her for a few seconds. “You sure?” I whisper.

“Yes, I’m sure. Plus, it’s for a good cause.”

* * *

TRINA

When we get out onto the dance floor, I try my best to hide how shaken up I am by all Ben said to me tonight. I wish I didn’t care. God, I wish for it. But I still do, and I hate that. I wrap my arms around his neck because, somehow, that’s less intimate than placing a hand on his shoulder and letting him hold my other one. But that means his large, firm hands have nowhere to go except on my sides. And with this dress having essentially no back, the tips of his fingers brush my bare skin. It takes everything in me not to shiver when the rough pads of his fingertips contact the exposed skin of my low back.

Why does this have to remind me so much of what it was like to be touched intimately by him? A feeling I’ve never been able to find since.

Neither of us speaks for the duration of the dance and I get lost in my thoughts. There’s a very real part of me that craves to lean in closer to him, to rest my head on his shoulder, but I mentally scold that part and shove her aggressively into the back of my brain. Ben Donley isn’t safe for my heart—he never was—and he never will be.

I have every intention of pulling away after the first song ends, but when the band continues on to another slow song, I stay there. Ben makes no move to end it, either.

What are we doing here?

I’m ripped from my thoughts when a male voice asks, “May I cut in?”

I turn my head to see who it is, and it takes a second, but I recognize him. I still my body, tensing slightly. “Joe…”

Ben’s hands tighten for a second around my waist before he removes them from my body and steps back.

“Nice to see you remember me,” Joe says, a flirty air in his voice.

I smile at him. “Of course, I remember you.” My eyes dart nervously between Ben and Joe. “Joe, this is Ben. Ben, meet Joe. He owns the company—Alero Construction—that’s been renovating the old apartments downtown.”

Joe reaches his hand out to shake Ben’s and Ben accepts it.

“So, this is the lucky bastard who beat me out in the auction tonight, huh?” Joe teases.

“I am.” Ben smiles, but it looks sad. “But it’s clear you’re the lucky one here,” he says to Joe, while holding my gaze. “I’ll leave her with you, then. Goodbye, Trina.”

My breath hitches as Ben walks away and Joe steps in and takes me in his arms. I can’t help but wonder why that goodbye felt more like an ending than everything that happened that fateful day so many years ago ever did. I don’t know why, but it scares me.

“I’m surprised to see you here,” I say, trying to make small talk as I watch Ben walk over to his table and grab his suit jacket.

“I passed the fire station on my way back to my short-term rental every evening while we were on the job and saw the signs for the fundraiser. I lost a nephew to muscular dystrophy, so it’s a cause close to my heart.”

I pull my eyes away from watching Ben to look at Joe. “I’m so sorry. Thank you for coming and supporting the cause.”

“It’s my pleasure,” he says. “Especially since I’m getting to dance with you.”

I smile at him.

I let my eyes roam to find Ben again, and I trail him with my gaze as he walks out the door. My heart drops and I try to remind the traitorous bitch that this is for the best, but I just can’t muster the energy.

“So, are you still working on the project?” I ask, trying to give my attention back to the man I’m dancing with.

“Actually, we finished two days ago. We’re moving on to another renovation a few towns away, starting next week.”

“Oh, well, that’s good, right? For business, I mean.”

“Yeah, but I wish I was going to be around here longer.” When I glance up at him, he smiles at me, and I try not to look for any hidden meaning in his words. Maybe he simply really likes Elladine. “I wanted to check in on you before I left and make sure Guy hasn’t been causing you any problems.”

“Guy?” I ask, confused.

Joe chuckles and I can’t help but notice how handsome he is, especially when he’s laughing. “I’ll take that as a no. Guy is the young man who so rudely disrespected you the day you came by.”

“Ah. The one you fired for that?” I lift a questioning eyebrow.

“I did. I don’t tolerate that kind of disrespect. He’s not a bad kid, but he lacks good sense on his best days. On his worst days… well, let’s just say I wanted to make sure he left you alone.”

“I haven’t heard anything from him at all. So, no worries.”

“Well, even if you do once I leave town, you have my number. I’m friends with his father, so if he gives you any trouble, let me know and I can help nip it in the bud.”

“Thanks, that’s kind of you, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

The song ends, but Joe makes no move to stop dancing with me and I go with it. Maybe it’s time I try to let go of the past and look to my future. I lied to Ben. I do still want a family of my own and I’m certainly not going to get that by living with ghosts of the past.

“Trina?”

“I’m sorry? Did you say something?”

Joe smiles. “Yes, I asked if the man you were dancing with was someone you’re seeing.”

“Ben? Oh, no. Gosh, no. Just an acquaintance. We hang out in the same friend circle. Nothing more.”

“Hmm.”

“What does that mean?” I pull back a bit so I can see his face better.

“It just looked like he hoped for more. That’s all.”

I scoff. “Well, that is not gonna happen. No matter what he might hope for.”

“That makes me happier to hear than I should probably admit to you,” Joe says.

Heat rushes to my cheeks.

We finish out the song we’re dancing to, and the band starts playing a fast one. I explain to Joe that I really should get back and check in with my friends, and he graciously walks me off the dance floor.

Before he leaves, he says, “I won’t ask for your number because I don’t want you to feel obligated to give it to me. But remember, you have mine on the card I gave you. Use it for any professional needs, but also if you decide you’d like to get to know each other better.”

I’m embarrassed but smile and nod at him, then he leans in and kisses me on the cheek, says goodbye, and walks away.

Sometime later, I assume he’s left, but I’m not sure. Because, unlike when Ben left, and I watched him until he was gone, once Joe walks away, I don’t look for him again.

Instead, I go to the bar and order another glass of wine and find a high-top table off to the side where I can be alone for a few minutes. When I’m done with the glass, I stand intending to go hang out with the guys from my shift at the Fire Station.Before I can get there, I’m stopped by a guy I recently met, Darren, and he convinces me to give him one dance. Once that dance is over, I quickly head over to the table where some of the guys from my crew at the Fire Station are sitting. Relief floods me when I’m finally seated with them and can relax.

The rest of the evening passes pretty uneventfully until shortly before the time Emily, Shayna, and I had decided we’d leave. I’ve been sitting with my crew and we’re laughing at Gio telling stories about his last few dates.

I sense someone behind me before I even turn around and, when I look, I recognize the guy from New Year’s Eve that I danced with for a few minutes.

“Hey, Trina.” He moves closer to me, off to the side a bit, and he reeks of beer.

“Um, hello…” I stare at him for a minute searching my brain for his name but quickly realizing it’s probably not in there because I doubt I gave it a second thought after he told it to me.

“John. My name’s John. Wow, how quickly you forget. You wound me.” He’s grinning like we have a familiarity that we don’t.

“John, right. Well, it’s nice to see you. I hope you’re having a good time.”

“I am. But I came over thinking we could finish that dance you owe me. And that I could get your number. You took off on New Year’s Eve and I didn’t get a chance?—”

“Sorry, John. But I’m pretty sure our captain doesn’t owe you anything,” Tony chimes in.

John’s tone irritated me but the last thing I need is one of my guys getting into an altercation over me.

“It’s fine, Tony.” I peer back up at John. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m not interested in dancing. I also don’t give my number out. It was?—”

“Well, now you’re just lying because I saw you dancing with three other guys so far tonight.”

I sit back in my chair, shocked at his tone, and Tony and Gio both stand at the same time.

“It’s time for you to go, man,” Gio says, leaving no room for argument.

John glares at him for a moment before he lets out a sarcastic laugh. “Sure thing. Trina, I’ll see you around.”

I don’t respond, and we all watch as he walks away. The discussion at the table quickly returns to a lively review of Gio’s love life and everyone is back to normal.

I smile and laugh along, but an uncomfortable sensation takes residence in the pit of my stomach…