Page 69 of On the Way to You

When I was alone, I inhaled a deep breath, taking in the salty ocean breeze. There was no moon that night, so the beach was dark, but I could hear the waves rolling in over the rocks and the sand, and I closed my eyes, letting it all wash over me.

I hadn’t read Emery’s journal since the morning we left Colorado Springs, and even though I knew I should never read another page of it, my hands were in tight fists at my sides to keep me from doing it anyway. Nora had told me to be patient, Melina had told me my actions would catch up to me, and still, I wanted so desperately to know what he was thinking.

We’d had such a good day together, I hadn’t bothered asking him what he was thinking or how he was feeling about the night before. There was a line we crossed, one we jumped over willingly, and now that we were on the other side of it, I wasn’t sure how to act. It hadn’t just been a good day, it had been anewkind of good day — one with touches and kisses shared between us. It was a complete one-eighty from the day before, and now that I was finally sitting still, I felt the whiplash. I wondered what would happen next, not just when we got to Seattle, but when we woke up in the morning, too.

Today was a good day, but what about tomorrow?

I peered over my shoulder into the room, but it was empty, and I heard the faint sound of the shower kicking on through the open sliding glass door. My eyes found the journal next.

I reached for it, pulling the leather into my lap and running one thumb along the binding. Kalo whined at my feet, as if she, too, was telling me no, but I couldn’t help it. I leaned down to pet her long fur, and then I grabbed hold of the ribbon bookmark and opened to the latest entry.

His familiar handwriting filled only half of the page, and it felt like a welcome home sign. He hadn’t gotten much down before I’d come out and told him it was his turn to shower, but even the little that was there comforted me, a small glimpse inside his thoughts.

I wish I believed in something.

I feel stupid even writing that, being that I make fun of anything that isn’t science, but in a way, I wish I could believe in something bigger than myself. I don’t get on my knees and pray to anyone when I’m scared, and I don’t have any big man in the sky who I thank when something good happens. I don’t read my horoscope and I don’t study Buddhism. I guess you could say I believe in Karma, but really, I mostly just believe that some way or another, we’re all bound to get what we have coming to us.

Really, I don’t believe in anything.

We left Vegas today and landed in Laguna Beach for the night, and Cooper had her tarot cards read. The way she watched the woman read her cards… it was like she was hanging on to every word the woman said, looking for hints and clues as to how to make the next step in her life. I wanted to tell her she was the only one in control of it, but I could see it — she believed. And who am I to tell her not to?

Tomorrow we’ll start driving the Pacific Coast Highway, something I’ve wanted to do ever since Dad drove me a small leg of it when I was younger. Grams had it on her list of things she wanted me to do, too.

I haven’t been back to California since about the seventh grade. But this time, I’m not with family. This time, I’m with Cooper.

Something changed between us in Vegas.

That’s where the entry ended, and I stared at that last line with a mixture of emotions whirling inside like a tornado. It pained my heart that he didn’t believe in anything, that he walked through life feeling completely alone, but selfishly, I cared more about that last scratch from his pen.

What had changed between us?

I mean, I knew whatIfelt had changed, but was it the same as him? I turned back the page to the last entry before the one I’d just read, and it was dated the same day as when I explored the Grand Canyon by myself.

I kissed her.

I’m a selfish fucking idiot and I kissed her.

She’d never been really kissed, and we were standing there, looking at the mountains and the stars, and I couldn’t stop staring at her perfect lips and thinking what a shame it was that they’d never been kissed. I was thinking about how her lips would feel against mine, wondering if she would sigh and lean into the touch or blush and shy away. And instead of doing the right thing and keeping those thoughts in my mind, instead of letting it go, I kissed her.

And now I’m fucked.

Glen and I took a hike the next morning, when I was still high off her lips, off the way her hands shook as she touched me in the tent all night long.God, I wanted to do so much more to her. I had to fist my hands in her hair to keep them from wandering anywhere else. I knew if I would have started, if I would have touched her, really touched her, I wouldn’t have been able to stop.

But Glen got in my head yesterday morning. He told me he could sense that Cooper was a good girl, a strong girl, and he preached about how I needed to treat her right. He thought we were married thanks to a joke we were playing, but I wasn’t laughing anymore, not when he was telling me that nothing in the world matched up to a strong woman’s love.

Love.

Just hearing him say it nearly made me throw up. I can’t imagine ever being in love, ever being loved by someone else, and it was then that I realized that is exactly what Cooper wants. She wants someone who will hold her hand and kiss her sweetly. She wants someone who will ask her to spend the rest of her life with them, for better or for worse.

I’m not that person.

So, I did what I do best. I shut her out, shut the world out, and had what was possibly the worst day of my life sitting beside her in the car. I knew she wanted to know what I was thinking, and I also knew I’d never tell her. She’s the sun and I’m a black hole. I want to swallow her up and lose myself in her, but if I do, I’ll destroy her.

Maybe a small part of me thought she was what Grams was talking about, that maybe she could be what changed it all for me. But the truth is, I know I won’t find what Grams thought I would, not until I reach our last dot on the map.

Only then will I find peace.

I swallowed, eyes scanning the last of the entry with a newfound panic.What does that mean? What did his grandma want him to find?