Page 63 of On the Way to You

“Never.”

In my dreams, I replayed the night over and over again. I lived inside that moment, frozen in time, suspended on that unstoppable linear trajectory for as long as time would allow me to be. When the sun finally warmed my cheeks through the sheer curtain hanging over the sliding glass door, I squinted against it before blinking a few times, finally ready to let go, to move forward.

It was quiet, save for the soft music that still flowed from the speaker on the bedside table, and I stretched as a yawn broke through the sleepy haze I was still in. My toes reached for the edge of the bed while my hands hit the headboard, my mind taking note of my body.

I was sore in all the right places, aching in a new way as I rolled toward the wall. Emery was still there, his head on the pillow, eyes cast up toward the ceiling, and Kalo sleeping in a little ball by his feet. I leaned up on one elbow to get a better view.

“Good morning.”

Emery shifted, his head rolling just a little to the side as he met my gaze. “Morning.”

Another yawn took me under as I nodded toward my sleeping ball of fluff. “I need to take her out, she hasn’t been since before I left last night.”

“Already done.”

As if Kalo sensed me talking about her, she popped her head up, looking back at me as I reached for her. She licked my hand once, letting me rub behind her ear before she laid down again and I turned my attention back to Emery.

“Thank you.”

A lazy smirk curled on his lips, one arm reaching up and over my head until it rested on my pillow behind me.

“Come here.”

I scooted closer, head finding his chest as I wrapped one arm around his middle. He tucked me into him, pulling the comforter over us again before his hand rested on my waist.

“I have to tell you something.”

“Okay,” I whispered as confidently as I could, but the blood drained from my face. Those words set me on high alert as soon as they left his lips, my heart already beating overtime, brain shouting every anxious thought I’d ever had about us loud in my ears.

This is where it ends.

He thinks it was a mistake.

You were awful, he’ll never touch you again.

He doesn’t care about you.

Emery didn’t speak right away, just held me there, his fingers brushing against my skin. I watched the breaths enter and leave his chest, waiting, letting his gentle touches soothe me as much as they could in that moment.

“It’s hard for me to say this out loud, because other than my family and my therapist, no one really knows.”

My heart jumped into my throat at the mention of his therapist. Marni. I knew her name when I shouldn’t have, and I swallowed down the guilt.

“I battle with depression,” he finally said, and his chest deflated with the words. “God, I hate calling it that. I hate admitting this to you, because it sounds pathetic and weak, but I think it’s important.”

“It doesn’t sound weak,” I said, my voice low, guilt still churning low in my gut. If I hadn’t pried into his private thoughts, this would be a big moment for him — this admission — and maybe an even bigger one for me. But I’d cheapened it.

“It does to me, but I’m trying to embrace it more.” He paused a moment, his fingers moving to run gently through my hair. “I wanted to tell you, though, because sometimes I’m okay, and sometimes I’m not. And honestly, I don’t really have an answer for why some days differ from others. All I know is that there are days when I laugh and joke and drink and make the most of the hours I have, and then there are others where…”

His voice trailed off, and I squeezed him a little tighter, encouraging him to finish.

“Where even getting out of bed sounds like a task so impossible, I might die in the process.”

My eyes were still on his chest, but I felt him swallow, and I let his words sit between us for a while before adding my own.

“I’m glad you told me.”

“I had to,” he said quickly. “Because I told you last night that I would try, Cooper, but you have to understand that sometimes trying for me isn’t going to be enough for you. Sometimes trying, for me, is just…” One hand waved in the air above us. “Existing.”