Page 181 of On Edge

“You spent weeks pushing me away, making me feel like I was crazy for wanting you, like our connection was all in my head...”

“I know.”

“…and then when I finally believed you wanted me too, when I put on that dress and stood up in front of everyone and made myself vulnerable, youdidn’t turn up.” I sound hysterical now, like I am crazy.

“I’m a complete bastard, but I was protecting you.”

“From what?”

“Me.” He looks at me with those exhausted, bloodshot eyes. “The darkness, the rage. I’ve done godawful things, Sage. And I didn’t…I didn’t want to drag you down into hell with me.”

“I’ve killed for you, too.”

He flinches as if I’ve struck him. “I never wanted you to do that. Not you.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m not made of glass. Yourdarknessor whatever isn’t what I’m upset about, Troy. I knew what you were when I fell in love with you. When I was Nell, I loved Sweeney Todd, a masked killer with blood on his hands.” I stare out the windscreen; everything is white now as the snow starts to bury us. “I’m not fragile, and I don’t need protecting from you. I can look after myself.”

I glare at him, and he nods. “Of course, you can. And you should be angry.”

“I’m angry because you didn’t trust me to make a choice. You decided for me, then you pushed me away, and then left me when I needed you.”

“Y-you’re right. You’re absolutely fucking right.”

I know I am. “You left me standing alone, as if I meant nothing.”

“You mean everything, that’s why I couldn’t go through with it, because you deserve someone to put you first, for once, and I can’t.”

“So, what you’re saying is that you’re scared?” When he doesn’t argue, I carry on. “That if you actually let yourself have me, you’d lose me. You lost your family. You lost Nell. So you pushed me away first, before I could leave you. Did I get that right?”

“Fuck, how much therapy have you had?”

“Enough for two of us, it seems.”

The silence stretches between us, and Ben whines, reminding us he’s still here.

“You’re right. You’re always right. I was afraid of losing you. I still am. What if you woke up one day and realized you married a monster?”

“I don’t want to marry you.”

Something breaks in his expression. “I-I understand.”

The stammer is new. When did that happen? But this grovelling rubbish is starting to annoy me. I just want to go inside, make mince pies, eat them hot with cream, and help Laine decorate her tree. I don’t want to sit here anymore breathing in Troy’s expensive cologne because the more I do, the more my resolve cracks and the more I want to taste him instead.

“No, you don’t understand.” I wrap my arms tighter around myself. “I don’t want to marry you because marriage is a contract, and I’m sick of those. It’s not like it will stop you from leaving me again the next time you decide I needprotectingfrom your darkness or whatever excuse you come up with in the future.”

“Sage…are you saying there will be a future?” He holds his breath, making me not want to stamp out his light this close to Christmas.

“Maybe, if you choose me every day, not just once at an altar, or in a barber chair. I need to know that when things get bad, you won’t disappear or push me away. I have enough shit to deal with my lost memories. What if I wake up one day and you’re gone, and I can’t tell if you were real or not?”

He’s looking at me with an intensity that would make me step back. But I can’t in this luxury leather heated seat that smells of cherries.

“I’m real,” he says quietly, taking my hand. I stiffen at first because his hands are freezing, but then his skin warms as it touches mine. “And I’ll always be here, Sage.”

“Sure.” Because what else do you say to that?

He reaches into his coat, pulls out an envelope, and offers it to me. “Starting with this. I had these drawn up for you a few weeks ago.”

At first, I hesitate in case it’s another bloody letter, but inside are legal documents. It’s a deed transfer for Grayfleet. I blink at it, trying to understand the legalese.