Page 160 of On Edge

What life?I want to ask.I’ve been dead since the fire. They took everything from me and buried it with my family.

But looking at her now…this beautiful, reckless girl who went out and hired a killer, a monster like me, to murder a man who destroyed her family, too, has somehow become the only light in my dark existence.

I don’t know how to tell her I don’t care, that it’s too fucking late.

Richard is already dead; it’s just a matter of time. He’s the last one on my list because, despite changing my name, erasing my past, I want him to see me coming.

I want that bastard shitting his pants when I drag him to my chair.

But what kind of twisted shit would I be to tell this sweet girl that I’d rather chop him into pieces while he’s still alive and make him watch while I turn him into mincemeat, than ever send him to goddam prison.

Prison is too good for him.

And so here we are.

Nell is off, playing spy, and I’m falling so helplessly in love with her that I keep on letting her.

“When are you going to do it?”

She gnaws her lip. “I’m not telling you.”

“For Christ’s sake, why not?” When she says nothing, I add, “Because you know I’ll stop you.”

She gives me that look, the one that says I’m being ridiculous and over-protective.

“If you’re not here next week,” I say slowly, “I’m coming for you.”

“I’ll be here.” She leans forward and presses her lips to mine. “I promise.”

But that’s the problem….

Promises aren’t worth the paper they’re written on.

But I don’t say that. I just…grab her and kiss her again, harder this time, drowning myself in her because that’s all I can do. I couldn’t save my family, and now I feel like I’m failing her.

Then she’s pulling away, adjusting that ridiculous blonde wig over that untamed sienna mane of hers, buttoning up her coat properly.

At the door, she pauses and looks back. “When this is over. When your name is cleared and my…” She sucks in a breath. “…when Richard is in prison. I’ll tell you who I am. I promise. No more secrets.”

Before I can say anything about how much I hate promises, she’s gone, lost to the city at night.

I head out too. It’s time to visit Crazy Roy.

Nell is lying to me. I know it.

She doesn’t know that I’ve caught her out so many times. That I know Richard is someone to her, not just a man she wants dead. But every time I look for her, she’s a dead end, even with my resources and connections.

Nell doesn’t exist.

Which is why I wonder sometimes if I’m not dead already and this is my version of heaven.

35

SAGE

Idon’t remember the drive back, dismissing the driver, or stumbling into my room. I must have stripped off my clothes, but not showered, because I still smell like him.

I’m sitting on the bathroom floor of my hotel suite, staring at myself in the full-length mirror. The shower is running, but I can’t bring myself to stand under the water. I can’t make myself move, because there’s a part of me buried deep that wonders if Nell’s not dead. If Troy’s been looking for her all this time, and tonight he found her.