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Chapter Fifty-Seven

T he sun was rising, filling my mom’s room with a soft amber glow that made me feel like everything was really going to be okay.

Liam was there. My mother was alive. And I was going to be there to help her through her recovery.

“Hi, baby.” She smiled up at me as if nothing were the matter with her at all.

I wanted to cry, hearing her voice so lucid, seeing her smile without the lazy, drunken tilt to it.

“Mom.” I beamed, sitting beside her. “You’re okay.”

I hugged her, squeezing tight while being careful of the wires still connected to her.

“These pesky things.” She laughed, scrunching her nose up as if they were an inconvenience rather than the reason she was alive.

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Oh, I’m fine,” she said, and though her face was pale and her body still far too thin for comfort, she looked alive. And that was good enough for me.

“You have no idea how worried I was,” I told her with a huge exhale. “This time was really bad, Mom.”

“I know, baby,” she said. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“It’s okay,” I told her. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

I wiped away a tear. Everything was really going to be fine. I looked around to the bedside table where I’d left the pamphlets that the doctor had given me.

“So, the doctors were telling me about some really good programs that you can go to once you’re strong enough—”

“For what?” She blinked up in confusion.

I stared.

“For rehab, Mom.”

“Oh, honey.” She laughed. “I don’t need that.”

“B-but,” I stuttered, brain freezing in confusion. “But you do, Mom. Do you know that you almost died this time? This wasn’t just withdrawal. This time it was bad.”

“Honey,” she said. “I love that you worry about me, but you don’t need to. This isn’t going to happen again, I promise.”

“You promise?” I asked numbly.

Those words.

I’d heard them my whole life.

About everything from showing up for one of my school events to coming home on time to taking me somewhere because we hadn’t spent time together in days. Each one more painful than the last until I learned that promises were nothing more than empty words made to be broken.

And then it clicked. I couldn’t help her if she didn’t want me to.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Mom. I really am,” I said, voice detached. “And you know that I love you. I’ve loved you more than anyone for my whole life.” Myself included. “But I can’t keep doing this over and over. It’s killing me.”

“, stop being dramatic.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re always so dramatic.”

I stood up mechanically, feeling the finality of the moment settle over me. The acceptance I’d never quite felt before now.

“I hope you get better, Mom. I really, really do.”

She needed me. I knew that. But she needed alcohol more. And if that’s the choice she was making, then I had to make one of my own. Even if it broke my heart to do it.

“But, if you don’t, well, I won’t be here to see it.” I turned to leave.

“,” her voice cried out indignantly. “, stop.”

“Bye, Mom,” I told her, vowing to myself that it was the last time I let my life be pulled in by the chaos of her drinking.

And while my mother wasn’t very good at keeping her promises, I needed to keep this one to myself. For the sake of my own life and my future.

My past had been consumed by my mother and her needs, and I’d spent my life loving and hating her in equal measure. I thought if I loved her hard enough, I could fix her. Change her.

But she couldn’t be my everything anymore.

And I knew now, in a way I never really understood before, that I couldn’t be hers, either.

Liam was exactly where he said he would be.

And I surprised myself when I realized I didn’t expect anything different. Not everyone would let you down in life. He had proven that to me time and time again.

But somewhere along the way, I had let him down. And now I needed to rectify that.

I’d been so caught up in my own hurt that sometimes I didn’t stop to think that I might be the one doing the hurting.

And as I watched Liam dozing in that waiting room chair, I knew I never wanted to hurt that beautiful boy again for as long as I lived.

“Liam,” I whispered gently so as not to scare him.

He stirred immediately, opening his eyes. It must not have been a restful sleep at all.

“Hi,” he said, standing up.

“Hi.” I smiled back.

Part of my heart was broken that I didn’t have the power to change my mother. But if I had stayed in that cycle, I would never get to experience the rest of what my life could be like without her. What it could be like with him, if he let me.

“Are you okay?”

“I will be.” I nodded, knowing that even if nothing happened the way I wanted, I could at least know in my heart that I tried my best.

I couldn’t control her. I couldn’t control what happened with Liam. I could only control me. And somehow, it was freeing.

“I’m scared,” I admitted to him.

He waited, letting me go on, eyes burning into mine.

“I’m scared because I don’t know what’s going to happen here.” I gestured between us. “And that’s a really scary thing. I can’t control what happens. I can’t control how you feel about me or if you’ll ever stop.”

“I won’t,” he cut in, and I loved him for it, but I kept going, knowing I needed to say everything in my heart if we were going to move forward together.

He needed to know me. To understand the way my brain operated. The fears I harbored about losing everything I loved. Of not being able to control the outcomes.

“Honestly, Liam,” I breathed out, trying to find the words. “The way I feel about you scares me more than anything because if it goes wrong, I don’t know if I have it in me to recover from that. It’s almost easier to not get you at all than to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me, baby.” His hand came up to cradle my face again, and I sank into it. “Do you know why? Because I’m not going to let myself lose you. ”

My heart cracked clean open. I was done for.

“Can I tell you something?” I whispered, heart thudding wildly.

“Anything. Everything. Whatever you want,” he spoke quickly, words tumbling out of him in rapid succession.

I stood on my tiptoes, leaning up toward his ear, knowing I’d only have the courage to whisper the confession to him.

“I’m completely in love with you,” I admitted, hearing nothing but the sound of my own heartbeat sounding through my ears.

Liam went still underneath me, rigid as a statue, and I wondered if I was wrong. If maybe he liked me, but my feelings were too fast, too soon for him to be on board with.

But I couldn’t take it back. It was the truth, and I wasn’t going to lie to myself anymore. Not about anything.

But then, miraculously, his hands clamped down around my waist, and he picked me up until my feet weren’t on the floor but spinning around as he twirled me in his grip.

“Thank fucking God for that.” He exhaled like he’d never breathed before and then slammed his lips against mine until I was consumed by Liam and love and whatever magic had brought this moment to me.

When his lips finally broke from mine, and my eyes finally opened, I stared into his green ones that looked like they’d just seen sunlight for the first time.

“Because I can’t live another day of my life without telling you how absolutely and totally in love with you I am.”

Everything inside of me malfunctioned at that, as if my lungs suddenly forgot how to breathe, my heart forgot how to beat.

Was it true? Was he being honest?

I could never be sure, but I could learn how to trust. To do the thing I’d been scared of doing for so long.

And part of that started with me.

“I want to be yours,” I admitted, even though it was scary to ask for what I wanted. “And I want you to be mine.”

“Baby.” He laughed as if it were the funniest request in the world. “I’ve been yours the whole time.”

And then he kissed me again, slower, like we’d have all the time in the world to keep doing this forever.

“What else do you want?” He smiled against my lips.

I thought about it and knew there was only one more thing I wanted. One more thing I could ever hope for.

I looked up at the man who had seen me—all of me—and somehow was still choosing me exactly as I was. He was mine. I was his. And now, there was only one thing left to ask for.

“I want to go home.”

He was more than happy to oblige.