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Chapter Thirty-Four

I didn’t really understand how I ended up dancing with the man every woman in Boston and beyond wanted to be with, but I was scared that if I thought about it too hard, I might wake up and realize it hadn’t been real at all.

For now, I let myself feel the weight of his hands in my mine. I let myself rest my head on his shoulder as we swayed, and in moments when I was sure he wasn’t looking, I let myself breathe in the scent of him, as if I could commit every detail of the night to memory.

Because I was sure I’d never have another night of him all to myself like this ever again.

In the background, the soft hum of a love song was playing, making me feel all the more self-conscious about having asked Liam to dance with me. Was that too bold? Was it weird? I let myself focus on the lyrics that were all too relatable at that moment.

It’s you and me, and all of the people.

It was exactly how I felt, dancing there with him in a ballroom filled with hundreds of people, but it may as well have been just the two of us.

Somewhere in the distance, Maggie and Brody were falling in love for real, but I couldn’t bring myself to focus on anything other than Liam’s hands that were trailing down to my waist.

“I’m glad we’re here tonight,” Liam said, and I was hyper-aware of his hand at my waist.

“Even though I keep stepping on your feet?” I said, trying to repress the urge to tell him how I was more than glad we were here tonight. Or to admit how perfectly at ease I was every moment I was with him.

Or worse, that I was scared I was falling for him.

But I knew he wouldn’t want to hear that—maybe he’d even see it as a betrayal after everyone had made it extremely clear how anti-relationship he was, so I locked that secret away and prayed it would never see the light of day.

Besides, I couldn’t fall for him. He was a famous hockey player. A superstar in his own right. I was so far beneath his notice that if I hadn’t known Maggie, he never would’ve looked at me twice.

It hurt, but that was life. Besides, I had him here now. As a friend. I needed to be content with that. I couldn’t go wishing for things I’d never have. I’d spent my life doing that, and all it caused was pain that could be avoided.

If I just accepted people for who they were, I could’ve avoided so much unnecessary pain. If I had realized my mom wouldn’t stop drinking. If I had noticed the signs when it was clear Dave and I had drastically different visions of the future. If I could just accept the reality I lived in rather than wishing for what it could be.

Acceptance. It was one of the teachings of Al-Anon. Coming to terms with the things you couldn’t change. And Liam Brynn falling for someone like me? I could never make that happen, so I just had to let that fantasy die.

“I’m a big boy.” He huffed a laugh. “I can take you stepping on my toes.”

“But your feet are your money makers,” I joked.

“What?” He arched a brow, laughing.

“I mean, aren’t they? Since your job is skating? Plus all the other stuff. But mostly skating, right?”

His eyes crinkled as he stared at me, the smile never leaving his face. I didn’t think people knew what a beautiful smile he had. It seemed it only ever came out in small, private moments like these.

A true shame for the rest of the world to miss out on the sight of it, but part of me was thrilled that they were reserved just for me.

“What?” I asked, laughing nervously at the way he stared at me.

“Nothing,” he said. “You’re just cute.”

My stomach dropped.

Cute. Like a sister was cute?

He cleared his throat as if he hadn’t meant to say it aloud. Of course he hadn’t. He probably knew how I felt about him. He probably was trying to spare my feelings. He was kind like that.

“Thank you again,” he said, “For lying to coach for me. You have no idea what a big deal that was.”

What had I said? That it was true we were living together? That I didn’t want Liam to be in the auction because I was jealous of another girl having him?

It was a tactic I’d learned throughout my life. Lies sounded more believable when they weren’t lies at all. Just selective truths spun to fit your narrative.

It was how I’d survived my childhood.

“You don’t have to thank me for that.” I shook my head. “Nothing I said was a lie.”

Embarrassed by my own admittance, I tried to spin it, feeling the undeniable need to deflect from my own pathetic feelings.

“Besides, it probably did you more harm than good. I doubt it’ll be good for your game.” My voice sounded higher-pitched than normal.

He drew back. “My game?”

“Yeah,” I said, fighting the jealousy that arose in my chest that I didn’t have a right to feel. “It’s going to be harder now that everyone thinks we’re together.”

“We are together.” He looked down at our entangled bodies swaying in dance.

“You know what I mean,” I said, blushing. “They think we’re a couple.”

“That was the point,” he said, looking affronted.

“Right. I just meant if you wanted to talk to women, it would be harder now,” I said.

“I don’t want to talk to any women,” he said tightly.

Right. Of course he didn’t. I was so stupid. Part of me had been subconsciously fishing for him to admit something, anything, to make me feel like whatever was going on between us wasn’t entirely in my head.

But the look on his face and his words reminded me that Liam Brynn was more than content being on his own.

I bit my lip, forcing myself to stop talking before I humiliated myself further.

“What about you?” he asked after a moment. “Are you over…” He trailed off, unwilling to finish.

“Dave?” I asked with a giggle. “It’s okay. You can say his name. He’s not Voldemort.”

“I’d rather not.” He grimaced. “The name leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

“You’re so dramatic.” I rolled my eyes at him. “You don’t even know him.”

Liam looked off in the distance, watching the other couples. I followed his gaze, noticing for the first time how many women were eyeing Liam.

I clung tighter to his neck.

“So, are you?” he asked again when he finally looked back at me. “Over him?”

I thought about it, feeling awful as the truth settled over me.

“I think I’ve been over him a long time,” I admitted with a sigh. “I don’t know if I was ever fully invested, if I’m being honest. It was more like… the idea of someone that kept me there. I’ve always wanted someone to be mine and mine alone. But I don’t think he ever really was.”

In the same way, I was never really his.

Liam nodded, mulling it over.

“But you were still going to stay with him?” he asked, brows drawn in confusion.

I knew he wouldn’t understand how screwed up I was. How I probably had a myriad of abandonment issues on top of some sort of codependency that I hadn’t yet acknowledged. But I couldn’t bear for him to think less of me, so I tried to explain as honestly as I could.

“I don’t think I realized it until I was out of it,” I started, trying to find the words. “I think I was so wrapped up in getting to the future I wanted for myself — that I didn’t bother to take a look at the person I was building that with.” I looked up to him for confirmation. “Does that make sense?”

“You wouldn’t ever take him back, would you?” he asked, suddenly grave.

“I hope not,” I admitted.

He turned as still as stone underneath my touch.

“What do you mean ‘you hope not?’”

“Sometimes I’m scared of being alone,” I said. “Sometimes being with the wrong person is better than being with no one at all.”

Or being stuck with my mother—the fear I still carried deepest, the one I worried I’d never truly escape.

“Besides.” I shrugged, feeling a weight on my chest. “It would be easier to go back to my life than have to start all over.”

His jaw clenched, hands firm on my waist as if they were superglued there.

“I’m kidding,” I teased. “He doesn’t want me back. He didn’t even want me when he had me. I wasn’t kidding about the convenience, though. Apartment hunting is more brutal than I thought. I doubt I’ll find another one that I’ll be as comfortable in as my old one.” I sighed longingly.

“You can change whatever you want in the condo,” he said suddenly. “You know that.”

I drew away from him, confused.

“What—”

“Paint the walls, rearrange furniture — hell, buy all new stuff if you want. I’ll give you my card.”

Blood rushed through me. What was he talking about?

“Liam, Liam, stop,” I said, holding a hand to his chest as I stopped dancing.

“You can’t go back to him because you’re scared of change, ,” he said, eyes ablaze with emotion. “That life you had wasn’t anywhere close to being good enough for you.”

“I know that,” I said with a sigh of acknowledgment. “But I can’t stay with you forever either.”

“Why not?”

My heart fluttered.

Because I’m falling for you when that’s the last thing in the world I should be doing. The last thing you would want.

“What’s happening here?” I asked, not wanting to overanalyze the way I was so prone to doing.

My head was swimming, and I took a step back to steady myself, but he closed the distance between us immediately.

“I don’t want you to be with him, ,” Liam said fiercely, reaching for my hand. “I want you—”

“!” Maggie said, running over to us, saving me from whatever Liam was going to say. “Your phone has been going off non-stop. I figured it might be important,” she said, handing the device over to me.

I looked at her, blinking back into reality. My heart was hammering in my chest. Anxiety from all the unknowns around me.

I turned my head back to Liam, his eyes filled with something I couldn’t read.

“I’ll be right back,” I told him, taking the phone from Maggie and stepping away.

I left him behind, along with the tension that had found its way between us. Taking a breath, I let the air return to my lungs at the narrow escape from whatever had just happened.

Because as safe as I felt with Liam, no one in the world had ever made me as nervous, either.

I was scared of what he was doing to me. Scared to get attached to someone else who didn’t want me.

I made my way toward the exit, hoping for some fresh air, and my phone started ringing again. This time, I saw the caller ID, and my heart dropped.

I should’ve known. I should’ve expected this. After all, I’d spent my life going through the same cycle.

But it didn’t matter how vigilant I was. How good I thought everything had been going. The second I let my guard down, my mother was sure to sweep in and ruin the carefully constructed peace I’d found for myself.

“Hello?” I answered the phone call, already knowing what they were going to say,

“, dear?” my mother’s neighbor’s voice sounded. “It’s me, Kathy. I just wanted to let you know your mom was taken off in an ambulance tonight. I thought you’d like to know.”

It didn’t come as a surprise. I should’ve known better. No matter how steady I thought I’d been, this call was a reminder that I’d never been on solid ground to begin with.