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CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

AMELIA

T he Uber ride home was silent, and as we unlock the front door of the brownstone and climb the stairs to Elliot’s third floor apartment, Elliot has yet to say a word.

He hasn’t let go of my hand though. From the time I took it in the diner to now, his fingers remained laced through mine, his grip a vise, as if I am the only thing tethering him to this moment.

The only thing keeping him from disappearing too far into the darkness.

It's a role I’m happy to play.

I want this. I want him. All of him.

The second the dean appeared and said his piece, Elliot sank into himself.

I could see his dark thoughts as if he spoke them out loud.

I watched them take over until his body was trembling, his breathing shallow.

He told me earlier that he wasn’t worried about his own job—he was worried about me.

So, his reaction to the dean is about what being outed like this will do to me.

And it was that thought that had my rage burning bright.

My mouth making words before my brain realized what was happening. My thought was singular.

Protect Elliot.

Keep him safe.

I wasn’t lying when I said I was taught to stand up to bullies.

I abhor a bully, and that’s exactly what Dean Miller is.

In that moment, I realized I don’t care about any of it.

Gabe finding out what I’ve been doing with my life or people realizing who I am, or anyone questioning whether I deserve to be here.

None of that matters. Because I have a family I love who loves me back.

For the first time in my life, I have good friends who like me for me, not because of who my brother is or what he might be able to do for them.

I built an app the whole fucking world is using, and I have ideas for a hundred more.

And I have Elliot.

This man who knows every inch of me and loves me exactly as I am.

Who makes me feel like I can do anything or be anything.

Like I deserve to be in any damn room I want to be in because I’m amazing at what I do, not because my brother opened the door for me first. He makes me feel whole and settled and the most like myself I have ever been.

I love him back exactly the same way. It’s a big, wild, once in a lifetime love, and it’s mine. There is nothing in the entire world I wouldn’t do to protect it.

But right now, Elliot needs some protecting, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

The second we walk in the door to his apartment and the dog skids into the entryway, letting out a happy bark and then running back to her basket of toys, Elliot deflates.

His body loses its rigid stance and his shoulders drop.

His back curves slightly, like holding himself up is too much effort.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, pressing a hand against the wall as he kicks off his shoes, unzips his jacket, and lets it fall to the floor.

Opening his eyes, he glances blankly at both, like he’s not used to seeing shoes and jackets on the ground in his orderly apartment but is too drained to deal with picking them up.

“Leave them,” I say, cupping his face with my hands. “I’ll take care of them later. I want to take care of you now.”

He looks at me, his eyes somehow both stormy and vacant. “You don’t have to. I’m used to doing this alone. You don’t need to watch me go dark.”

I press our foreheads together and bring my lips to his. “You’re not alone anymore. You never have to do this alone. I love every single part of you, Elliot. Including this part. I’m not going anywhere. Ever, El. Okay?”

He leans back and studies my face, his hand tightening around mine.

A single tear falls out of the corner of his eye, and it shatters my heart into a million pieces.

I would burn down the world for this beautiful man.

Finally, he lets out a shuddery breath and nods, curling his body around mine in a tight hug.

“Okay,” I whisper, running my hands up and down his back. “Come with me.”

I lead him to his bathroom and flip on the water to get warm, and then I strip him down, peeling off his running pants and T-shirt and tossing them onto the floor, adding my own clothes to the pile before guiding him into the shower.

“Sit, El,” I say quietly, pushing him gently to the built-in shower bench.

Grabbing the detachable shower head, I get his hair wet and reach for the shampoo, squeezing some onto my hand and working it through his hair.

He lets out a sigh that sounds like relief, leaning forward and resting his forehead on my chest, his body trembling slightly from what I think is the effort of holding back emotion.

But when he sits up so I can wash the shampoo out of his hair and his red-rimmed eyes meet mine, I see they’re full of tears.

I wonder how long it’s been since he’s had someone sit with him in his darkness.

I know he goes to Cece sometimes, but I get the sense that when he’s feeling his worst, he feels it alone.

Never again , I vow.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, his eyes dropping closed.

“Hey,” I say, a hand on his cheek, tipping his face up, waiting for his eyes to open. When they do, I see a combination of exhaustion and defeat that breaks my heart all over again. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m here, El. And I’m not going anywhere.”

He swallows hard, nodding, his hands gripping the shower bench tightly.

I lean down and press a kiss to his hair, feeling his breath hitch, his eyes dropping closed again, like even the dim light of the bathroom is too much for him to handle.

I wash his body and then do my own hair and body quickly before flipping off the shower and grabbing a couple of towels.

I dry us both off and then lead him to his bed, pulling back the covers and gesturing to him to slide in.

He does, then grabs my hand. “Stay?” he asks, his voice low and as vulnerable as I’ve ever heard it.

I squeeze his hand, dropping down on my knees so we’re eye level “Always. As long as you need me.”

“I’ll always need you.”

“Then that’s how long I’ll be here. I’m just going to pull down the blinds so you can rest.”

Once I do, I slide in next to him, tugging him towards me so his head rests on my chest, my arm around him. His heavy arm drapes over my torso, anchoring me to him as I sift my hands through his damp waves. He holds me tightly, like he never wants to let go.

I hope he won’t.

“I couldn’t protect you from him,” he says, his voice low and raw. “I messed up.”

I kiss his hair, his neck, his cheek. “You didn’t mess up. You couldn’t. It’s not your job to protect me, El. We’re in this together.”

“I’ll always want to protect you,” he murmurs, his words a little slurred with exhaustion. “I love you. I’m so tired.”

I brush his damp hair away from his face, leaning down to kiss his forehead, my heart spilling out love for him. “I love you too. So much, El. Sleep now, baby. We’ll figure everything out later.”

Elliot inches closer to me, his arm tightening around me. And I stay right where I am, wrapped up in him, around him, watching over him as he sleeps.