Page 34

Ezra

There, standing behind interspecies fertility expert Joe in nothing but a fluffy bathrobe, was none other than Ezra’s mother, Martha Miller.

“Ezra?” she gasped, clutching her robe to hide her cleavage—but it was too little, too late. Ezra had seen enough to know that she was one hundred percent naked under that robe, and with Joe in the smallest Speedo known to man, that had to mean…

Nope.

No way.

He was not going there.

Desperate to be proven wrong, he finally choked out, “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Language!” she admonished.

Ezra rolled his eyes. “Okay, what the heck are you doing here?” His mother and Joe exchanged a loaded glance, and he had to hold back a gag. “Look, I can read context clues just as well as anyone else, but, just… out of all the guys in New Mexico, how’d you end up with this one?”

He tried to pretend that Titan’s and Kyle’s questioning looks weren’t boring into his skull from behind.

He didn’t have answers for them—he was just as confused and, frankly, more than a little mortified.

Finding out that he had been impregnated by an alien should have been the most unnerving thing to happen to him this week, and yet…

“Well?” he prompted when his mother still hadn’t answered.

She exchanged another significant look with Joe that Ezra couldn’t make heads or tails of. “We should probably talk, hon,” she said to him slowly, not turning her attention from Joe’s face, as though waiting for his agreement.

Joe brightened like a sunbeam.

“Yes!” he said enthusiastically. “Everybody come into my rad crib and we can have a chat.”

Ezra had no earthly idea what was happening, but he did know one thing for certain, and it was that he needed something before he set foot in that house.

“Fine,” he said. “We’ll come in and chat—but could you please put some clothes on first?”

Once Joe and Ezra’s mother were presentable, the five of them congregated in Joe’s batshit insane living room.

There were more wind chimes inside as well, along with apparently every kitschy knickknack Joe had been able to get his hands on.

The place looked like he’d raided several antique stores and bought only the strangest items he could find, including, but not limited to, a unicorn rocking horse covered in cracked mustard-yellow paint, at least seven creepy dolls placed haphazardly around the room—all of them facing the couch so they watched you as you sat—and a giant rug with a clown’s face embroidered into it. It was, to put it mildly, unsettling.

Joe insisted on getting everyone a “hot beverage,” stat ing that he knew it was human custom to offer drinks to guests.

He brought them all what was supposed to be tea, but what was actually just leaves he’d gathered from outside dropped into mugs of hot water.

Ezra’s mother and Ezra politely set theirs aside.

Kyle and Titan drank theirs with gratitude.

“Anytime you’d like to give an explanation, I’d love to hear it,” Ezra said once he, Kyle, and Titan were settled on the couch. His mother and Joe sat in recliners across from them. None of the furniture matched, and some of it was inflatable.

“Watch your attitude, young man,” Ezra’s mother said in a warning tone. “You want to know what I’m doing here—well, I could ask you the same question, couldn’t I? How do you know Joe?”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s a work thing,” he said evasively.

He’d told his mother that he had gotten a job with the government, but as far as he knew, she wasn’t privy to what exactly it was he did.

He’d avoided telling her any details, wanting to keep the whole “aliens have come to Earth” thing under wraps, but it seemed that he needn’t have bothered.

There was no way his mother could be hooking up with Joe and not know that he was an alien.

The guy might as well have worn a sign around his neck advertising the fact.

“So you must know the truth about Joe as well,” she said with a sigh. “I wondered why you were so vague about your new job.” She surveyed Kyle and Titan, who were on either side of him, sandwiching him in on the couch. “Are you two, ahem, not from here as well?”

The two aliens looked to him for guidance. With a sigh, he said, “Go ahead,” and they both nodded at his mother, confirming her suspicions.

“Well well,” she said with a chuckle. “Like mother, like son.”

“What does that even mean?” Ezra asked, bordering on hysteria. He was once again finding it impossible to go with the flow, and it bothered him to the extreme. “Se riously, can one of you please tell me what you’re doing here, because this is weirding me the fuck out.”

“Language!”

“ Mom. ”

His mother sighed again and looked over at Joe, then reached across the short distance between their recliners and took his hand in hers. Turning her attention back to Ezra, she said, “Honey, I’ve known Joe for a long time.”

“That’s not possible,” he countered. “He’s only been here a week.”

“He’s only been here a week this time. ”

“You’re saying he’s been here before?”

“We met over two decades ago,” she said, sounding somewhat wistful as she smiled at Joe like he was her entire universe.

“It was back when I lived in Kansas. I was so much younger then, and I was a bit of a party girl.

I went to a Halloween frat party and saw this unbelievably attractive man there dressed in a skimpy astronaut costume—you know, one of the ones women like to wear to show off some skin?

Well, I thought it was so funny, and I knew I needed to get to know the man who had the guts to show up dressed like that.

“We hit it off immediately. He had this sexy foreign accent, and he was so polite and funny.” She batted her eyelashes at Joe. “One thing led to another and, well, let’s just say that I didn’t wake up alone the next morning.”

“Nope, gross, I don’t need to hear that part.”

His mother rolled her eyes, but never lost her smile. “It’s completely natural for two people who are attracted to each other to?—”

“Nope, not if you’re my mom.” Ezra made a face. “Can you give me the story without any spicy bits?”

His mother huffed, but didn’t argue, continuing on to say, “The two of us kept talking after that. He began courting me, and while he was the perfect gentleman, I cou ldn’t help but notice there was something…

off about him. It was probably two weeks into our relationship when he finally told me the truth.

“I was shocked, of course, and didn’t believe him at first, but he convinced me and eventually I came around to the idea. It didn’t matter where he was from—I loved him. But it was complicated. We had to keep the truth hidden.”

“I was here illegally!” Joe said with a grin, adding to the story for the first time.

“That’s right, dear,” Ezra’s mother agreed, lacing their fingers together.

“I finished up college, and the two of us moved out to a farm, where there wouldn’t be any close neighbors who might accidentally learn the truth.

We lived there peacefully for a few years…

but then the Darvrokian government caught up with us, and he was taken into custody and deported. ”

“I was an intergalactic criminal!” Joe beamed.

“My people had been searching for me for many Earth years. Before I met Human Martha, I too was a ‘party animal.’ Earth was not the first planet I had visited without the proper paperwork, and Human Martha was not the first being I had gotten down and dirty with, if you know what I am saying.”

“Oh,” Kyle said suddenly with dawning realization. “I recognize who you are. You are S’^?ko’q, are you not?”

Joe nodded enthusiastically. “This is correct, my man.”

“S’^?ko’q?” Titan asked, sounding surprised.

“I was very young when you were apprehended, but I learned about you in my studies. You bred many beings across the galaxy, and are the reason why there are restrictions on the number of planets Darvrokians are allowed to visit within a Darvrokian year. You have a name on our planet, although I do not know how to translate it.” He looked over at Kyle, who pondered it for a moment.

“The Great Slut,” Kyle said finally. “I believe that is how you would say this in English.”

“Yes, the Great Slut, this is accurate,” Titan agreed, and Joe nodded happily.

“Correct!” he said. “I am the greatest of all sluts.” He looked at Ezra’s mother with a soft expression. “But when I came to Earth, I learned to be a slut for only one.”

Ezra was beginning to put pieces together, and the picture they formed was making him queasy. Joe, apparently, used to go planet hopping to hook up with other aliens. He’d met Ezra’s mother over two decades ago. They had lived together for several years in rural Kansas.

“Mom,” Ezra said slowly. “Is Joe… is Joe my biological father?”

A ringing silence followed. All eyes were on him.

Finally, his mother said, “I’m sorry I never told you, but how could I have explained it? You would have never believed me.”

“Oh my god.” Ezra bent forward and rested his forehead on his knees. This was… this was completely and totally insane.

“I have sorries for not being in your life, Ezra, my man,” he heard Joe say.

“I did not wish to leave you, but I had no choice. When I was released from detention and heard that Earth was accepting tourists, I very quickly created a new identity as Joe Johnson. I did this because I wished to see you again.”

The corners of Ezra’s eyes pricked with tears. For the majority of his life, he had assumed that his father had walked out on him because he hadn’t wanted him. Now, his entire worldview was being flipped upside down. Not only had his father actually wanted him, but that also meant?—

“Wait,” he said, popping back up, startling everyone. “If you’re my dad, then that means… Holy shit, I’m half Darvrokian.”

Beside him, Titan mumbled a soft, “Oh.”

Ezra looked at him and saw his expression to be one of disappointment. He smiled at Ezra, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“It seems we have found our explanation,” he said, but his voice was as hollow as his smile. “We are not True Mates after all. You have Darvrokian genes, which is why you are able to carry my eggs. ”

“What?” Ezra’s mother asked, alarmed. “Ezra, what did he just say?”

“Ah, yeah, about that. What was it you said?” He looked at his mother and rubbed the nape of his neck sheepishly. “Like mother, like son.”