Page 64 of No Safe Place

Saturday | Morning

Lily

She’d insisted on sleeping on the sofa last night. Scott wanted to stay with her, but she sent him away, scuttling back to his bed.

It had been tempting to confront him, there and then – but she was too weak. She needed to rest first.

So far, he had denied it all.

‘What have you been giving me?’ she asked him again, fighting to keep her voice level.

Scott ran a hand through his hair. His jaw was tense, and he looked cornered, pacing the living room like a caged animal.

‘Just tell me, Scott.’ Lily gripped the back of a dining chair, supporting her weight but refusing to sit down. ‘What have you done?’

Weeks of feeling not quite right, like she had a cold or a bug coming on. Then the first pangs of nausea, the cramps. The late period that had made her panic, take multiple tests.

Lily’s hold on the chair was so tight she thought it might splinter in her hands. She had goose pimples on her arms from adrenaline.

Scott let out a nervous shriek, half-laugh, half-cry, and threw his arms up. ‘Just say it. What are you accusing me of?’

‘ This . You did this to me.’ She looked down at herself, her blotchy legs, thin and spammy below the hem of his black T-shirt. ‘I’m not ill, am I? I’ve been on meds before. These are side effects.’

He turned, and she saw he had tears in his eyes.

‘Don’t lie to me, Scott. Please don’t lie to me.’

Scott took three strides across the room and put one hand around her waist, the other in her hair. He looked down at her through his wet eyelashes.

Lily wanted to push him away, but she needed to hear him admit it, so she didn’t.

‘I love you, so much.’ Scott squeezed his eyes closed and a tear rolled down his cheek. ‘I love you, so much, and I wanted to keep you safe.’

He let go of her and sank into a dining chair, his head in his hands. Lily was still faint and unsteady but her anger – no, her rage – kept her upright.

‘I was going to tell you. I swear I was going to tell you,’ he said into his palms.

‘I can’t believe—’ Lily said, swaying slightly on her feet. ‘What right did you have to make that decision for me?’

Scott exhaled sharply and pulled another chair out. ‘Sit down, Lil. Please. You look like you’re about to collapse.’

Lily didn’t move.

‘I’m sorry.’ There was a wobble in Scott’s voice. ‘I didn’t realise you would—’

‘Scott.’ Lily shook her head. ‘What were you giving me?’

‘Beta blockers,’ he said, in monotone.

The heat of the morning hung between them, charging his confession.

‘Is that all?’ she asked. ‘Nothing else.’

‘Diazepam, just the last few days. First two milligrams, then five.’

Her stomach swooped again. He turned his face away from her, his palms on his knees, staring blankly at the remote on the coffee table.

‘It’s my job, isn’t it?’ he said, his voice cracking. ‘Making people better.’

A beat.

She had to get away from him.

Lily walked to the bedroom, on legs that were steadier. She pulled on a pair of jeans. Scott followed her, babbling an explanation she wasn’t listening to. She spotted her rings on the bedside table and slipped them onto her fingers, then looked around for her bag.

‘Please don’t go.’ Scott dived in front of her, arms wide, blocking her from leaving the bedroom. ‘Let me explain.’

‘What is there to explain, Scott?’ Lily’s voice was calm, the same deadly tone her mother had used when she was a child. ‘You drugged me. You gave me drugs without telling me.’

He shook his head, his face screwed up in pain but no tears falling.

‘Scott, let me get past.’ She wasn’t asking – would never ask him for anything again.

‘You don’t understand.’ Scott took a step towards her, and Lily backed away.

He looked at her in sheer disbelief, backing away, before collapsing to the floor of the bedroom and clutching the back of his head. ‘You don’t get it.’

Lily stayed still. Now she knew what the nausea and weakness were caused by, it was easier to stand up, easier to make herself move. She looked down at Scott, curled up and crying, and felt nothing but cold fury.

‘I was trying to help,’ he said, still turned away from her. ‘That’s all – I thought it would help you.’

‘Four fucking years – that’s how long I was on and off meds. Do you know what it’s like to be out of control of your own body? Have you ever had a doctor make your decisions for you?’

She looked around the room. The vomit-stained white rug, the bare walls. The hardback non-fiction books he claimed to have read, with brand-new-looking dust jackets. And Scott crouching in the middle of it – snivelling.

He looked up at her from the floor. ‘You can’t see how ill he’s making you. How much you need help. But I saw it, and I knew you’d never leave that house unless you could think .’

Of course it was about Callum.

‘He manipulates you, Lily. You’ve been in it so long you don’t realise, but he does. He says things to make you feel shit about yourself. You’re just as trapped in that house as he is.’

‘You drugged me because you were trying to get me away from Callum?’ Lily threw her arms wide. ‘You wanted to be in control.’

‘Control?’ Scott’s voice was a shriek. ‘When I have been in control of anything? When we first started dating, I had no idea – no idea how fucked up the two of you are. How far back this co-dependent bullshit really goes.’

She took a step away from him. ‘I only told you about my OCD two days ago …’ Lily paused for a beat as her thoughts caught up. ‘But you’ve been giving me that shit for weeks.’

Scott ran a hand through his hair.

‘You accessed my medical records, didn’t you?’ Her stomach sank. ‘When?’

‘Last month,’ he said, voice hollow.

She had felt so guilty for not having told him yet. She’d felt bad, when all along he’d read her notes. The write-ups from her teenage GP visits, the list of symptoms her despairing mother had reeled off while begging for them to hospitalise her, so Lily would be out of the house.

It was too much.

Scott was right. Callum did manipulate her. Over the years they had both said awful, hurtful things to each other. He could be jealous, petty, mean. Cal always knew how to most upset her, what he could say to get the maximum reaction and cause the most hurt.

And Lily had learned a lot from him.

She bent down, kneeled in front of Scott, and took his face in her hands. He gazed soulfully back at her, his cheeks still dry.

‘You’re right,’ she said softly, and Scott’s bottom lip trembled. ‘Callum is bad for me.’

Scott nodded, opened his mouth to speak—

‘No, let me finish.’ She stroked his cheek with her thumb and maintained eye contact. ‘Callum is bad for me. But I still love him.’

The knife found its mark. Scott’s shoulders stiffened, and she leaned in closer. ‘No one will ever love you, Scott, not like I love him. Not me – not anyone.’

Scott forgot to look hurt or pained. He just looked shocked.

Lily stood, tried to leave the room again, but Scott grabbed at her leg, catching the hem of her jeans.

‘Don’t tell anyone,’ he said. ‘I’ll lose my job – my medical licence. Please – please don’t tell anyone.’

Lily eyed him coldly. ‘I’m going to tell anyone who will listen. Your boss, the medical board.’ She pulled her leg free from his grip. ‘How dare you think I wouldn’t.’