Page 108 of No Safe Place

Monday | Early hours

Field

When Field got home, she was ready to sleep for a hundred years.

Toby was in his usual spot on the sofa, reading a book with two fans trained on him. He looked up and smiled. ‘I thought I’d give it a reread.’

The purple cover of Darlings, Obsessed caught the fading light. Field dropped into an armchair and closed her eyes. If she never saw the book again it would be too soon.

Her head was pounding, and she couldn’t breathe through her nose. The epicentre of her headache was behind her left eye, which was already a glorious purple.

Field sat down. ‘I’m sorry, Tobes.’

‘It’s okay,’ he said.

‘No.’ She squeezed her eyes shut tighter, trying not to let the tears fall – but making her eye hurt even more. ‘I handled it badly then, when you were ill, and I’m doing the same again now, aren’t I?’

He didn’t say anything.

She opened her eyes. Drank him in. He covered her hand with his.

Field took a breath. ‘Ever since you got better, I’ve just been terrified you’ll get ill again.

And I know it’s stupid – believe me, I know.

You’re a grown man, you have a gorgeous partner, you’re training for a job you’re bloody good at.

’ She brushed her tears away with her index finger.

‘You’re doing better than I ever could have hoped. ’

A tear curved across Toby’s cheek.

‘You’re not fragile,’ she said, emphatically. ‘You’re one of the strongest people I know.’

‘I take after you,’ he said, with a smile.

She laughed, and it turned into a sob.

‘But you’ve got to talk to me, Mum,’ Toby said, his voice firmer.

She nodded.

‘You want to know if I’m going to get ill again?’ He put his head on one side.

No. Yes. Maybe.

‘Because I might.’ His tone was matter-of-fact. ‘I don’t think it’s likely to happen any time soon. I’ve got a great support network, and I know a hell of a lot more about depression and anxiety than I did then—’

She forced herself not to wince at the word. Depression.

He got up and sat on the arm of her chair, wrapped her in a hug. She breathed in the scent of him. ‘But, Mum, if we can’t talk about this stuff when I’m fine, how are you going to help me if I do get ill?’

She closed her eyes. ‘I’ll try. I know I need to try.’

Toby pushed her away from him, holding her at arm’s length. ‘Are you going to be okay?’

She nodded. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said again. ‘For everything.’

‘You have nothing to apologise for, Mum.’ He leaned over and kissed her hair, then stood up, suddenly business-like. ‘Now, you’ll be very pleased to know that dealing with people who’ve been decked in the face is literally, like, day one of paramedic school.’

Field touched the bridge of her nose and winced.

Toby’s eyes narrowed. ‘Put your feet up. I’m going to find you some peas.’