Page 17 of No Rhyme or Roughing (The Golden Guardians Hockey Hearts #1)

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

SYDNEY

Sometimes, when I really wanted to hate myself, I looked at pictures from the past. Four kids who were close—closer than most siblings. Me, Teddy, Stasia and Kristen. Two stable parents with nothing to hide.

A family.

And I blew it all up.

At least, that was what my sisters claimed, what my mom had told me on many occasions. They didn’t see a scared kid who was loyal to her mother. No, to them, Dad’s mistress wasn’t the homewrecker. It was me.

You’ve always been like a sister to me.

Bullshit.

Ryder didn’t treat me like the person who ruined his life, unlike my own sisters. Teddy didn’t count. There was nothing anyone could do to make Teddy hate them. He was just that guy. He wanted to love people, to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Something told me the steady, stoic Ryder wasn’t much different. But that was the question, wasn’t it? Did he treat me like I mattered because he owed it to the little girl he’d grown up around? Or was there something else?

I closed out of my pathetic family photos on my phone and went back to social media, back to the video. He was bad. Like, bad bad. But there was something charming in how hard he tried, in the way he didn’t stop, even when it was apparent he was embarrassing himself.

That was what I wanted the world to see.

The video was now up to eight hundred views, still not nearly enough. He was right. We had to do it again. He had to do it again.

Teddy and Rowan came back late, crashing through the house with drunken curses until I heard their doors shut and the hall go quiet.

Closing my eyes, I leaned into my pillows and tucked my phone under one of them.

Sleep. That was all I needed to forget the feel of Ryder’s lips on mine, to stop thinking of the way he’d pressed me into the wall like I was nothing and everything.

Yet, in the darkness behind my lids, all I saw was him. Skating across the ice, lifting his arms awkwardly. Trying to shake his ass in his hockey gear. The video should have been a gold mine for the team. Who didn’t love a dancing fool?

I wasn’t sure how long I lay there, listening for any sounds drifting up from the living room. There was nothing .

“You are a ridiculous human, Sydney Valentine.” I rolled over, but that didn’t help. In the dark, I could see the picture hanging on the wall. I’d put it up right after arriving. In it, Teddy and Ryder tried to hold me still for the camera. I was maybe four.

You’ve always been like a sister to me.

I blew out a breath, flipping onto my back to stare at the outdated popcorn ceiling. If what he said was true, he’d have kept in contact all these years. I’d know more about him than the fact that he couldn’t dance, would do anything for his team, and had the softest lips with the roughest touch.

That was enough.

I had to talk to him. Kicking off the covers, I scrambled out of bed and was in the hall before I could stop myself.

Starlight filtered in through a skylight above, providing the only light.

On silent feet, I passed the other two bedrooms, stopping for just a moment to make sure there was no movement inside.

When I reached the living room and the sleeping man on the couch, I almost turned around, but then he sighed. His hand skated down his bare chest, dragging the blanket with it until it stopped at the waistband of his plaid pants. I waited for him to keep going, hoped he would as I held my breath.

But he didn’t.

My gaze drank him in, squinting to make out more of him in the dark.

His bronze chest, defined by corded muscles, drew my eyes downward to the large hockey stick tattooed on his side.

A dragon wrapped around it. It was an odd combination, but I couldn’t stop perusing the intricate scales, couldn’t stop my hand from inching forward until it feathered over the taut, inked skin.

Soft words escaped his lips, but I couldn’t make them out.

I was about to keep exploring when a hand darted out to snatch my wrist. Ryder’s eyes slammed open, locking onto mine like two black holes, using gravity to draw me in. He blinked a few times before relaxing his grip. “Sydney?”

What was it about this man that made me so bold? This wasn’t me. I was the girl without words, the one who ran from her feelings. I couldn’t let myself fall into the trap of how I used to be, so I stepped back. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Couldn’t sleep?” He rubbed his eyes and sat up, swinging his legs around to make room for me on the couch.

“Not really.” I didn’t dare sit beside him, and he seemed to sense that I wouldn’t.

One corner of his mouth curved up. “I’m hungry. You hungry?”

Saved by the captain. I nodded, clearing my throat. “Yes, exactly. That’s definitely what I came downstairs for.”

His smile grew as he got to his feet. “Let’s see if there are any Gonzo leftovers.”

Gonzo, I’d learned, was what they called Rowan because of his last name, Gonzales. And he was the cook of the house. I followed Ryder toward the kitchen. We were just going to ignore the fact that I’d been touching his tattoo. Great. Good. Not awkward at all .

Ryder flipped on the lights and opened the fridge, bending down to take a look. It took me a moment to realize he was humming to himself. I doubted he even noticed. The sound was soft, definitely off-key, and it made me smile.

He straightened, turning to me with such disappointment in his eyes that for a moment, I worried something was truly wrong.

“What is it?” I stepped forward, ready to help if he’d tweaked his back or something.

He sighed, long and loud. “Your asshole brother polished off the rest of Gonzo’s stir fry.”

A laugh popped out of me. Ridiculous men. I wasn’t really that hungry, but growing up with Teddy taught me most boys were bottomless pits, especially athletes.

Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes and started opening cabinets until I found what I was looking for—Teddy’s stash of kettle corn. The same stuff we’d brought on the boat. We’d never admit it to him, but it was delicious.

Ryder lifted one brow, taking the bag from me. “Playing with fire, kid.”

There it was again. Kid. “Don’t I know it?”

We brought the entire bag into the living room and sat facing each other on the floor between the couch and the cherry-wood coffee table. Neither of us appeared to have any desire to turn on the lamp nearby. Instead, all we had was the light spreading out from the kitchen.

Ryder ripped open the bag, scooped out a handful of popcorn, and shoved it in his mouth.

“Hey, share!” I lunged forward and swiped it from him.

His hair, sticking up in multiple directions from sleep, looked wild in the shadows, a bit ridiculous. I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t, busying myself with chewing popcorn instead.

Swallowing, I studied him for a moment. “Sorry I woke you up.”

He shrugged. “Sydney, love, I’d choose to sit in the dark with popcorn over sleep any night.”

With popcorn , right. I laughed. “You sure? I know how much sleep you meatheads need.”

“Hey!” He pressed a hand to his chest. “This meathead is excellent no matter how much rest he gets.”

“Sure.” I tossed a piece of popcorn his way.

He lunged forward and caught it in his mouth before shouting in victory.

“Quiet,” I hissed-snickered, looking toward the stairwell. If we woke my brother, he’d want to join us, but only after he took the kettle corn back. No one came.

Ryder grinned unrestrained. I liked this version of him, the version I only got when we were alone. “Wanna see if I can do that twice?”

“We aren’t children.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

“Fine, fine.” He thought for a moment. “You’re right. Better try for three times.”

I chucked another piece his way, and it smacked him in the middle of the forehead. “Can I ask you something?”

“Depends.” He leaned back on his hands.

“On what?”

“If it’s part of the game. The one we started on the boat.” I must have looked confused because he went on. “Tell me a secret, Valentine. ”

“A secret?”

“Like on the boat. Something no one else knows.”

I had too many of those. I looked away for a moment, and when I turned, he was closer, leaning forward.

“It’s easy. I’ll go first.” His eyes held mine. “Today, dancing out there… it was humiliating.”

My heart nearly broke at his words, but he wasn’t finished.

“And yet…” He smiled.

“And yet?” I needed to know how it had felt, what he’d felt.

“I don’t know… I’d never been so… exhilarated. I didn’t think, didn’t get too inside my own head like I tend to. It was like I got to be someone else for the length of one song, and I was?—”

“Free.”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “That’s the word.”

Dancing had always been like that for me. Freeing, exhilarating. Even if now I just trained others to dance, I still understood Ryder in this moment. Suddenly, he was too close, too right there. I scrambled away and the bag of popcorn fell from my lap, tipping over and spilling onto the floor.

“Teach me something.” The words were so quiet I wasn’t sure I’d heard them. Then, Ryder stood. “We both know I have to do this again in three days. I’d like to be better than I was today.” He held a hand down.

I stared up at him, at his hand, not sure if I could handle being close to him right now. I needed to go back to bed, to sleep this moment away. Instead, I settled my fingers in his, letting him pull me up .

“Okay,” I said, pulling my hand free. “There’s not much time to learn a lot for someone who has never taken a class before.”

“But you’ll do it?”

I couldn’t help smiling at his earnest question. “Yes, Ryder. Just… back up a little.” I widened my stance. “Start with your feet hip-width apart and square your hips.”

He did as I asked. We still hadn’t turned on a light, but the glow from the kitchen spilling into our space backlit him.

This was stuff I’d teach to a beginner’s class, which I guessed was what he was.

“You’ll be on skates, so you’ll need to adapt to that.

Maybe every time we step here is you gliding forward.

Start on the left, okay? Go left, then right, and to left again, but time it so you’re hitting each beat of the music.

Now, add a kick to each step so your feet come out a bit further. One and two and one.”

His giant shirtless form looked ridiculous doing this in the living room, but it would work on skates.

“Good. Now, arms. They’re important. They need to make clean lines. Bend sharply at the elbow and then sort of… swoop them like this.” I showed him.

He did it. Sort of.

I tried not to laugh. Really, I did. But it was damn hard, and I lost that battle. My entire body shook with it.

“Hey, no laughing at the rookie.” He reached for my arm, and I bounded away from him, leaping with one leg bent and my foot brushing halfway up my thigh. Then I landed, one foot to the next.

He stared at me. “What the hell was that?”

“Ummm… ”

“Teach it to me.”

“No.”

“Why not?” He planted both hands on his hips.

My gaze scanned him from head to toe. “You have a ways to go before we get to leaps.”

“I did a leap! On the ice. Didn’t you see it?”

“Yeah, that was… kind of a leap?”

He stepped toward me, his voice dropping. “Are you trying to tell me I suck?”

“No.” I backed away, rounding the couch to put it between us. “Okay, maybe.”

“Unfair.”

“What’s unfair is you making us watch that travesty.” I clapped a hand over my mouth to stop more from coming out.

“It was a travesty now? Come on! I’m trying to save a team here. I tell you my biggest secret… that I may have enjoyed it… and all you do is make fun of me.”

He walked around the arm of the couch, advancing on me. I couldn’t move as I watched him prowl like a hunter, a hunter whose prey wanted him just as much. He stopped in front of me, putting a hand on the back of the couch on either side of me, caging me in. “Your turn,” he said.

“W-what?”

“Tell me your secret, Sydney.”

God, I wanted him. I could feel the heat wafting off his skin, see the way his eyes darkened. There were so many things I could tell him that no one else knew about me, yet only one thing came to mind.

“Tell me,” he whispered. “You can trust me, Syd. ”

That was my undoing, those words. You can trust me. Because I did trust him.

“I’ve never…” I blew out a breath, embarrassment warming my face. “I’ve had sex, Ryder. With a few people.”

His brow furrowed. “Is that supposed to be some big secret? I’m not really your brother. I assumed you’ve?—”

“No, you haven’t assumed this. Like I said, I’ve had sex. Plenty of times. But during, I’ve never… you know… orgasmed.”

A very rough curse escaped him, and he jumped away from me like I’d just admitted I had leprosy.

“Ryder?” This was the thing I couldn’t admit out loud, not to anyone. But I’d told him.

“I…” He coughed, facing away from me. “Give me a minute, Syd.” His back rose with a deep breath, and I waited. Who didn’t orgasm during sex? Maybe I was as big of a freak as my sisters liked to claim.

Finally, after what felt like a triple overtime Stanley Cup game, Ryder faced me once again, his eyes meeting mine. “I’m sorry, it’s just a shock. What kind of assholes have you been with?”

“Jameson wasn’t?—”

“If he didn’t care about your pleasure, he was an asshole.”

The way he said pleasure sent nerves rolling down my spine. “It wasn’t his fau?—”

“It absolutely was. Sydney, God, I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with that kid who used to follow me around.”

“I’m not a kid.”

“Don’t I fucking know it,” he breathed. “It’s just… Mo st women can’t get off during sex itself. Didn’t that asshole ever go down on you?”

I looked away, embarrassed that I’d even mentioned how inexperienced I was. Ryder had dated Sam for a decade. He’d probably done it all, everything that was possible for two people. All the stuff I couldn’t talk about.

“I think I’m done with this conversation.” I turned to walk toward the stairs, but he grabbed my wrist.

“Don’t. I’m sorry, okay. I was just surprised. You can talk to me, Syd. I promise.”

“It’s humiliating.”

“No, it’s not.” When I didn’t turn back to him, he stepped closer. “I wasn’t lying, you know. You can trust me. Everyone should have someone to talk to about this.”

Had he sensed my lack of friends at every stage in life? How I’d protected myself by remaining distant? This was the opposite of that. I’d been wondering why I felt so comfortable around Ryder while other people scared me, but it was this feeling, right here. That trust.

The same feeling that could break me.

I pulled away from him. “Tomorrow, after your afternoon practice. I’ll help you with your dancing.”

Running up the stairs, I reached my room and closed the door behind me before flopping onto the bed face first. This was a problem.

A giant fucking problem.