Page 50 of Nearly Roadkill: Queer Love on the Run
“Well,” Shel begins, “I think when you last saw everyone, my hero here (she leans on Budge’s shoulder) told the cops that Scratch and Winc had gone in the opposite direction.
But what he won’t tell you, because he’s so modest, is that that was the moment of truth for him.
When he saw even more cops arrive on the scene, he just couldn’t take it anymore.
“As he watched his men run off in the wrong direction, he reached into his pocket, pulled out his badge, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it!” Shel chuckles her low chuckle.
“And then our hero—”
“Aw now, honey, I can tell it,” Budge interrupts gently. And I don’t think I’d ever heard such a smoky cigarette voice except in the movies.
“I didn’t do much, really.” He shrugs. “I just turned around and caught up to these two.” He gestures with his thumb. “Figured I might as well, ’cause I’d been on their trail so long. Winc was lookin’ pretty bad….”
“But still good, if you know what I mean,” laughs Winc.
Budge sighs and continues, “It didn’t take much to convince them I was on their side. I took ’em to my car, drove ’em to the hospital, and checked Winc in as Jane Doe.”
“Brilliant, eh?” Shelly purrs.
Budge smiles at her.
“And the hospital called me a woman of transgender experience ,” adds Winc with a smile.
I found that clue! My inner sleuth screams.
“And the doctors do the good job they often do, and now I’m alive and well as well can be,” finishes Winc.
“In the chaos of the ER, the staff was way overworked. Once I was up and running, well limping, they just sort of waved me out the door. No paperwork. So you couldn’t find record of what happened to me. ”
I look around the room. Still kind of sputtering. Happily. “I can’t believe it,” I finally say. “A happy ending. Fer real.”
“Happy ending!” exclaims Scratch, smacking her forehead with the palm of her hand. She takes out her phone (Android, of course) and starts tapping.
“Gwynyth was right. She told me that we’d all be together in a room one day, and I should open this file and use password Happy Ending.”
“Wait a minute, wait!!” I say. God I hate not knowing so much. “Gwynyth?!!!”
“Oh yeah, she passed on, some years back,” says Scratch nonchalantly. “But you’d never know it, because she talks to me from the other side.”
“I can vouch,” Winc interjects. “We put our hands on the Ouija board and damned if it doesn’t zing around like a cat possessed. Which I guess she kind of is. And what do you think Scratch and Gwynyth talk about, you might ask?” Winc says with a tight smile. “Cat food recipes. I swear.”
“It’s not just about that!” says Scratch indignantly. “We talk about lots of stuff.”
I’m almost afraid to ask. “What about Jabba? Is she still around?”
They all laugh. “In a matter of speaking,” says Shel.
I must look confused, so Winc says, “Jabba, being Jabba, created a bot of herself. You’ve probably run into her in your investigations.
One of the first real algorithms actually based on a person, not a marketing technique.
She shows up in all of our feeds from time to time, even on Scratch’s phone. ”
“Yep, my phone too,” says Budge. “Even though it kind of bugged me, that story she wrote about me.”
“It was pretty accurate, though, Walls, wouldn’t you say?” says Shelly sweetly.
“Yeah, I guess….”
“So, it’s like she’s not even gone,” finishes Winc.
“Anyway!” says Scratch. “Let’s check the message from Gwynyth.”
Scratch clicks the link, sending a signal out to all our devices and every one of them goes…
Ding-dong.
And then our screens flash.
HAPPY ENDING
FOR BUDGE AND SHEL!
HAPPY ENDING
FOR TOOBE AND DREW!
Even Wally Budge is wiping a happy tear or two from his eye. We hang out for a while, swapping stories (it’s great to hear about my dad as a silly teenager), and finally Shel and Budge get up to leave. We all hug and promise to keep in touch.
“C’mon, sweetie,” says Winc to Scratch, rising.
“Movie night tonight,” says Scratch, scrambling to her feet. “Let’s watch Babe .”
“We’ve seen Babe , like twelve times,” says Winc. “ Star Trek: First Contact .”
“ Dogs in Space .”
“That’s not even a real movie!”
“Is too! It’s a documentary.”
—And this picture will be in my mind for as long as I live. There they were, the two of them, standing outside my apartment, as dear a couple as I’ve ever seen. Scratch waves goodbye, and I close the door. And my iPhone goes ding-dong and flashes the message:
HAPPY ENDING
FOR SCRATCH AND WINC!
I’m standing there with my dad. Toobe. I can see all the versions of him at once now.
“I’m so proud of you, hon,” he says.
I just throw my hands up and hug him.
The End
(No, really)