Page 33 of Nearly Roadkill: Queer Love on the Run

Winc: ::stroking your knee absently:: No, not that I can recall, officer.

Ms. Budge: Have you done any harm to the kid?

Winc: Excuse me?

Ms. Budge: Have you trafficked the kid Toobe in porn or otherwise corrupted him?

Winc: Oh fuck off, sewer brain!

Private Message to Winc

Ms. Budge: Excusez moi?

Winc: ::melting into the floor in a writhing mass:: Yesssssssssssssss… talk French to me, you hot thing, you!

Budge rocks back in his chair violently. Recovers, then types again. He repeats the question, back in the “room” where he feels safer. In English. What compelled him to speak French, he wonders?

Ms. Budge: I’m sorry, could you answer that question. We’re concerned for his welfare.

Winc: Just a *little* question first? ::trailing my finger gently up your leg::

Ms. Budge: First you answer: Did you hurt the kid?

Winc: Is your dick so small that all you can think of is hurting other people so you feel big? ::sweet smile::

Ms. Budge: I take it that’s a no.

Winc: Bingo.

A new Private Message zaps his screen:

Private Message to Ms. Budge

SubRobert: ::shivering:: I *knew* you’d be online again, Mistress. I’ve been searching all over for you!

Ms. Budge: Huh?

SubRobert: Don’t you remember me? I sure remember your handcuffs.

Ms. Budge: BUZZ OFF! I’M BUSY!

SubRobert: Oh… Private Room, huh? Can I lick up what’s left over?

The trembling detective punches IGNORE.

Ms. Budge: All right. What *your* question? (I’m sorry for my poor typing.)

Winc: (Typing with one hand always does that.)

Ms. Budge: Cut that out! I’m being straight with you, sir or madam.

Winc: ::laughing:: My question is simply this: What law have I broken?

Ms. Budge: Have you ever distributed illegal bypass codes?

Winc: Yes indeedy.

Winc has left the room.

Again, Budge tries the pleading tone, but it’s starting to wear thin.

Private Message to Winc

Ms. Budge: Please, Winc, can we talk some more?

Winc has entered the room.

Ms. Budge: Where did you go?

Winc: ::smoky voice:: Maybe I slipped into something more comfortable.

Ms. Budge: Look, I’m not trying to come on to you! I’m just trying to understand you.

Winc: ::pouting:: Don’t you find me a *little* bit attractive?

Ms. Budge: Why don’t you come on in, we can make a deal. I don’t think any of the charges will stick if you do.

Winc: ::softly:: I’m waiting for an answer… don’t you find this… me… attractive? Come on now… really, just a little?

Ms. Budge: Scratch has told us most of what we need to know. We just need a few blanks filled in before we move in on you.

Winc: ::folding arms across my chest, mouth shut::

Ms. Budge: I see. You can make this easy. Just turn yourself in. I can make a deal for you.

Winc: ::sighing:: You’re no fun at all. Ever get told that?

Ms. Budge: Yeah, I’m afraid I do. Sorry, not my job to be fun. Perhaps if we meet you could teach me.

Winc: ::laughing gently::

Winc: In. Your. Dreams. Copper.

Ms. Budge: I’m sorry, that was inappropriate.

Private Message to Ms. Budge

Winc: ::purring:: Of course it was, darling. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Way ahead of you… always will be.

Ms. Budge: Thank you. I think.

Winc: So what did Scratch say?

Ms. Budge: Scratch told us you would be much more cooperative. Guess you aren’t speaking right now, huh?

Ms. Budge: Your mail is very interesting.

Winc: ::tossing my hair off my face, smiling:: You read all of it, huh?

Ms. Budge: Yes. All of it.

Winc: Did it get you hard?

Ms. Budge: Actually, no. Is sex all you think about? Is that what this is about? You’re sexually frustrated?

Winc: Uh huh. That’s all I think about. That’s all I am. What did Scratch say, exactly?

Ms. Budge: That you were weak and you’d tell us what we need to know because you’re eager to please.

Winc: You’re so full of shit.

Ms. Budge: Am I?

Winc: Scratch would *never* say anything like that.

Ms. Budge: Are you sure?

There is a long pause.

Winc: Tell me Scratch’s words. His exact words.

Ms. Budge: Just come on in. Scratch has already cooperated. So you don’t think he’d do that, eh?

Winc: ::smiling:: No, I don’t think he would.

Ms. Budge: I assure you, he talked with us. We already have enough to bring you in, why not just do it voluntarily?

Winc: Well, you tell him from me that his dick is even smaller than yours, and that I’m outta here. Tell him I said that, OK?

Ms. Budge: I’m sure I’ll pass that on.

Winc has left the room.

Private Message to Winc

Ms. Budge: Winc, please come back. We were doing so well.

Winc: Oh, go suck your boss off like you’ve always wanted to.

Ms. Budge: Damn!

Just as he starts a probably futile trace on Winc, a message flashes:

URGENT! ACCEPT ME NOW!

Puzzled, he abandons the trace attempt, pushing the ACCEPT button, only to have the following appear:

Paid Advertisement for MS. BUDGE:

This is your opportunity to make hygiene history!

********

Many career women like yourself have written us, asking for a new, more absorbent, more easily insertable feminine hygiene product.

WE HAVE RESPONDED TO YOUR CALL. Click here to receive your free sample of MINIMAX, designed with the career woman in mind… and body.

Ms. Budge has left the room.

Wally Budge lifts his eyes to catch the latest “Headline News Alert” and smiles.

NO FLAGGING DOWN SCRATCH & WINC

(AP)

Over 50 Law Enforcement agents gathered at dawn at Six Flags Amusement Park in California, where a “reliable tip” told them they could expect to find Scratch and Winc. They found some of the nation’s best rides, but no cyberfugitives. Chief enforcement officer, Phillip Henderson, had no comment.

R ELATED ARTICLES:

“Government Search: Roundabout, or Merry-Go-Round?”

“Nighttime Talk Show Hosts Rip into Government Hunt.”

“Geraldo at 4:00: Identical Twins Who Have Had Cybersex with Scratch and Winc.”

END JABBA NARRATIVE ENTRY

TOOBE ENTRY

I must get a few hundred of these a day:

To: Toobe

From: [email protected]

Subj: Article

We’re very eager to hear from you, sir. We can go to press at a moment’s notice should you give us an interview. I’ve gotten the go-ahead for $100,000, as you requested. We’ve got everything else, we report on the Scratch and Winc story every night.

Please get back to me asap.

—Blaze Selder

Producer, *Hard Copy*

Man, these people are sly. I never requested anything! They just started with a $25,000 offer, then more. Not answering.

Things have escalated, really spooky. Something I learned from my dad about the ’60s is that once somebody gets to be a hero, they get shot. I don’t want that. All I want is for my two friends to talk to each other again.

And for the law to find somebody else to fry.

END TOOBE ENTRY