Page 25 of Nearly Roadkill: Queer Love on the Run
GWYNYTH DIARY ENTRY
FUNNY OF THE DAY
Comedy = Tragedy + Time.
—Many people
Toobe asked me to post one of his Funnies. Dear child. He stores them away like acorns. I have allowed him to send an email just now, heavily encrypted:
To: Winc@encrypted
From: Toobe@encrypted
Cc: Scratch@encrypted
Subj: Help?
Guys, I gotta tell you, I’m scared. I’m safe at the moment but you wouldn’t believe a memo I saw—about me!—from the cops. They’re saying I could go to the looney bin. How did it get like this? I’m one of those Most Wanted doodes…
There’s no way you can answer this, but I hope I get to see you *soon* for real.
—T.
P.S. Just so you know this isn’t some govt trick and that it’s really me: Winc, Don’t drop your Droors!
I’m working on a way to reach Toobe’s father without being traced. The little one is safer here, and if it gives him some comfort to reach his friends, then more kibble to him.
His friends responded quickly and used one of my safe email bypasses:
To: Razorfun
From: Gyrl
Subj: Morphin’ USA
Got it! They’re gonna be looking for our friend the skateboardin’ teenager, right? Let’s morph him into something completely different!
You’re gonna hate this.
We’re all gonna hate this.
But we have to go real time, and if there’s even the smallest chance they know or put together what we look like in real life, we’ve got to go the other way.
Oh, you and Toobe are so gonna hate this…
Let’s make him a girl, and we’ll be his parents! No one would notice us, we waltz right out of there, just a happy little family. (I’m assuming you can make yourself look like the parent of a 15-year-old.) You up for it?
—W.
To: Gyrl
From: Razorfun
Subj: Parents
::narrowing eyes:: Who’s playing which character? I’m NOT saying I’m going along with this, I just want to know what you had in mind.
—S.
To: Razorfun
From: Gyrl
Subj: Depends on…
… your height. In their minds, fathers are tall and mothers are short-er, so that’s what their eyes are gonna be looking for.
I’m 5’10”, how about you? ::innocently:: whoever’s tallest is the father, the shorter one is Mom, was what I was thinking.
Got a mustache? Going to shave it off? Grow one? Go to a costume store, hmmmmm?
::eyes twinkling::
—W.
To: Gyrl
From: Razorfun
Subj: You’re *how* tall?!
Sigh. I guess I’m the mother. How did I *know* it would lead to this? I’m 5… never mind what height I am.
—S.
To: Razorfun
From: Gyrl
Subj: You’re so brave
::gently:: It was just an idea. If it’s too much…
—W.
To: Gyrl
From: Razorfun
Subj: ::eyes twinkling::
Oh, what the hell, it’s too outrageous to fail.
I tell ya, “drag” is a good name; the prospect doesn’t appeal to me at all.
But you’re right, they won’t be looking for a nuclear family.
Ok, I’ll meet you at the roller coaster.
I’ll be the one sliding around reluctantly on high heels and tottering towards a tall man with a mustache, possibly accompanied by a young female teenager.
But what about our little Toober: Will he go along with this?
—S.
To: Razorfun
From: Gyrl
Subj: Amurican
He doesn’t have much of a choice. He’ll be our shining daughter, full of hope and promise and mascara. Can’t wait to see you, and of course, what you will wear?! ::ducking::
—W.
To: Gyrl
From: Razorfun
Subj: IHOP
Oh, groan. Okay, but we need a bland, midwestern wash over the whole thing: We need to be invisible. No style, no glossy makeup.
I’ll pick you up for our getaway. Gawd knows I won’t be able to walk far in the kind of shoes I’m going to need.
—S.
P.S. You know, this is just another role. I mean, I’m nervous about meeting you in real time and all, but I love that we’re going in drag. We won’t be any different than hundreds of people facing their day in costume. Right? ::shudder:: I just hope this morph is as hard for you as it is for me.
To: Razorfun
From: Gyrl
Subj: This role
::smiling gently:: This role *is* hard for me, my love. ::softly:: I’m scared, but also relieved. We can put our theories to the test in real life, non?
—W.
To: Gyrl
From: Razorfun
Subj: I know you are but what AM I?
Test, that’s a good word for it. I’ve realized it’s fine whoever *you* are, I mean whoever you are is okay with me. But the idea of what each of *you* would then make *me* is tripping me out.
Look, depending on who *you* are, then I’ll become one of the following: queer, a straight person, or a freak in some new way that I’m not a freak now. You know?
The hardest thing would be if you were a man. That would be the biggest stretch for me.
Also, nothing about the *content* of who we really are will change, but the *form* of us changes completely. Which I didn’t think I cared about, but now I find that I do care (disappointing realization).
I used to dream about a better world that would make it easier to figure out who I was going to love. But that ain’t here yet.
I guess none of that makes sense, maybe it’ll just be moot when we finally meet. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
::shakily, but determinedly::
—S.
Dress our young Toobe up as a girl! Oh, what fun! Time to get out the old paint pots and froufrou.
END GWYNYTH DIARY ENTRY
NARRATIVE ENTRY, JABBATHEHUT
The interior of the commercial airliner is a nice, soothing shade of green.
Wally Budge needs soothing right now. He’s out to head off his two perps at the pass.
But soothing is not the wailing child across the aisle.
Or the overlarge man seated next to him, perspiring a particularly vile cologne.
Soothing is the text currently scrolling on his laptop.
To: FBCS Investigations
From: DevilsOwn
Subj: We’re IN!
Greetings, missy copper. Yer friendly neighborhood hacker here, with good news.
First, to answer your question: no, I’ve never heard of any “mind-control cult of hackers.” Maybe lay off the conspiracy theories?
BUT I’m in Winc’s email database, and I was able to extract Winc’s unread mail for you. Am I good, or am I better than good? This character sure gets around.
Thanks for the prompt payment. A pleasure to do business with you, darlin’.
—Dev
The good lieutenant winces at “darlin’,” and reads:
Dear Winc,
Do you remember me? We met in the Disabilities Forum. My father says that if you are half as good as the police say you are that you’ll get this message even if your mailbox is bugged.
Well, I sure hope you’re reading this, and I also hope you are what I think you are, a boy in a wheelchair like me, because you give me so much to look forward to. I really think it’s fun to be other things online too.
I am Registered, and so are my parents, but none of us believe the pornography or child abuse stuff they’re saying about you because you never tried anything like that with me so thank you.
Your friend who likes you,
—Emilio Saldarriaga
On to the next missive.
Dear Winc,
Hey babe, remember me? ::wicked chuckle:: We got it on a couple of months ago. ::dangling long-handled spoon in front of your eyes to jog your memory::
Look, I just wanted to see if I could help—somehow. I know you’re a dyke, even if those stupid cops can’t figure it out. First time lesbian invisibility came in *handy*, huh?
Keep on doing what you need to do, girl. We’re all proud of you for taking the heat. Speaking of heat…
::curling my finger between your collar and your throat::
Until we meet again.
—MstrssBoot
“What the hell did they do with the long-handled spoon?” muses Budge aloud. He reads another:
Dear Winc,
You are going right to HELL! You are so sick you make me and every good person I know want to throw up.
And if you ever show anyone the log of the filthy things you made me do online with you, I will tell them that you did it not me so you might as well throw that log away and never show it to anyone ever.
—[email protected]
Amused and alarmed, Budge notes the address as one Senator Jesse Helms, one of the most vocal opponents of anything having to do with lesbian and gay people. But he figures no one deserves this next one…
DIE YOU FAGGOT WINK ASSHOLE-SUCKING HIPPIE SHIT, I HOPE THE COPS FUCKING TEAR YOUR FINGERS OFF
… and probably no one really deserved this one either…
Dear Mr. Winc,
We’d like to speak with you and Mr. Scratch concerning a made-for-television movie we’re pitching. No promises, of course. But I think the climate is right, and you could walk out of this deal a very rich man. Please contact me soonest.
John Lancer, assistant to Barry Dillard
Paramount Television
Wally Budge stares out the window at the clouds. “Maybe they’ll make me a very rich man for being the cop who catches them,” he muses. One more hour of the flight, then the half-hour helicopter ride to Coney Island. Budge has finished Winc’s mail and is reading his own, which isn’t much better.
Lieut. W. Budge—
As legal liaison for Family Values Above All (FVAA), I wanted you to have an advance copy of an article we hope to have released in the Washington Post this Sunday.
We stand behind you, Lieutenant. Please call on us, and God be with you.
—Amos Rafferty, D.D., Esq.
Budge grunts once and scans the press release:
FAMILY NEWS
H ARD -C ORE C HILD P ORN H ITS I NTERNET
By Matt Holloway, staff writer for Concerned Parents Digest
The infamous “Scratch” and “Winc” are currently at large, transmitting obscenity through interstate phone lines via the Internet.
The case opens the eyes of the computer network industry, good Christians everywhere, and all concerned parents.
There can be no denying the rampant and growing availability and acceptance of sexually explicit images and the eroding control of parents over the information their children take in.
Apparently Scratch and Winc are responsible for bringing rain to the desert, driving children away from parents, solving the problems of quantum physics and/or operating a huge contraband ring.
In other words, no one knows anything, but everyone is talking. Not that anyone is talking clearly, nor is anyone coming forward, and no one has got a shred of evidence. Even 60 Minutes has resorted to using passive terms such as “unnamed sources” and “it has been reported that.”
There’s a fractured photo of Toobe the gossip TV show uses every night: “Have You Seen This Child?”
Back in the office of the intrepid Wally Budge. He types:
To: Henderson, Enforcement
From: FBCS Investigations
Subj: URGENT: SEARCH PARAMETER MODIFICATION
Henderson: I’ve got reason to believe that juvenile suspect Toobe may be in the company of…
… two adults, or slightly older juveniles. They may be any race, any physical presentation. These adults or older juveniles are to be detained for questioning along with the kid.
No reason to believe there is any porn or mind control going on (where did you *get* that?), so the kid may need some talking to, but he surely doesn’t need a shrink. I advise you to call off the men in the white coats.
Repeat: You are looking for a group of three or one lone white juvenile male. I’ll be there in less than two hours. Hold for questioning any, repeat *any* suspicious-looking threesome that includes the suspected perp until my arrival on site.
Budge
He leans back in his seat and ponders the real problem.
It isn’t catching the buggers. It’s what to charge them with.
Failing to Register was made illegal by presidential decree, so it’s a flimsy and untested law.
If that’s the only charge they’ve got, then any penny-ante public defender can merrily release them back to their hidey-hole homes.
END JABBA NARRATIVE ENTRY