Page 35 of My So-Called Perfect Life

I shake my head as if he can see me. “No—or I could. The woman from a few weeks ago came into the bar tonight, ranting in front of everyone that I gave it to her. But wouldn’t I know if I had it? I feel like I would know if something was up with my junk. You were a dog in college. I figured maybe you had a mishap or two.”

“Nope. I’m clean, but I think my roommate freshman year got something. I don’t remember what, but I do remember him looking like he wanted to cry when he came back from the bathroom.”

“See, I can’t stop thinking I would know if my shit was infected.”

He’s quiet for a moment. “Isn’t that the one that’s easy to spread because it goes undetected? But either way, you always wrap, dude. How could you have it?”

“Things got hot and heavy quick, and she slid down on me before I could stop her.”

“Duuude.”

“I know.”

“Well, good luck, man. Let me know if it starts to burn when you piss.”

Dick.

Chapter Eleven

Danielle

I’m pretty sure there’s alittle minion with a jackhammer inside my head, chiseling away at the nerve endings in my brain. My head throbs and pounds. My stomach churns, and the rest of my body feels as if it went through a battle.

The nasty taste in my mouth doesn’t help with the nausea.

My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth as I try to lick my lips. I’m so thirsty. I can smell coffee and hear clattering in the kitchen, but my body and brain are not communicating properly. My body doesn’t want to move.

Snippets of last night flash in my mind, making me really hope it was all a dream.Please, for the love of God, let me have dreamed that rage-induced episode in Cohen’s.

There’s no way that me, Little Miss Responsible, shouted my business out to an entire bar and then threw up on Mr. Chlamydia.

What the hell has happened to my perfect life? All my dreams were coming true. Now, everything is a mess.

Can I just hide under my blankets for the next month and hope that the misalignment of the cosmos or whichever planet is in retrograde goes back to the way it was? Back to everything falling in place for me rather than falling apart all around me?

Pulling my thick white down comforter up and over my head, I roll over, groaning, and curl into a ball. My stomach growls and tosses simultaneously, making me crave an everything bagel with cream cheese while also cringing at the thought of it.

Footsteps echo in the hall outside my door.

“I know you’re up.” Amelia’s voice carries through the air. “You can’t hide in there forever.”

“Maybe not,” I call out from under the covers. “But it can’t hurt to try.”

The door creaks open, and then the bed dips. I should’ve thought before I opened my mouth because, for my sister, that was basically an invitation to come on in.

“Come on, Dani,” she coos in faux sweetness. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“Ha.” I snort. “You can’t fool me. I know it was bad, and the minute I come out from under here, you’re going to make me relive it and mercilessly make fun of me. I’m sure Mercy isn’t too far behind.”

“Actually”—she laughs—“Mercy went home last night. We drew straws to decide who got to make sure you didn’t choke on your own vomit, and lucky me, I got the short straw.”

“None of this is funny,” I say indignantly as I toss the thick blanket down and jackknife up, which only serves to intensify the hammering in my skull. “It’s downright humiliating. In case you haven’t noticed, my life is basically in shambles. Last night, I announced to an entire bar I have chlamydia before throwing up on the sexiest man I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh, you poor, pathetic soul.” Amelia rolls her eyes. “I’m giving you ten minutes to get your ass out of bed, brush that nasty taste from your mouth, and change out of those clothes. We’re going to have a sister-to-sister heart-to-heart.”

Pathetic soul? Freaking bitch.

“I can’t have a sister-to-sister heart-to-heart because I’m disowning you. You’re a terrible person, Amelia, and I’m now accepting applications to replace you since you have zero compassion.”