Page 52

Story: Man Advantage

“I know. And what you decide to do going forward with Chats—that’s up to you. But there have to be some boundaries between him and me.” I hardened my voice a little. “And about what he says in front of our children.”

Defensiveness flared in Bryan’s expression, but it quickly died away. Anger surged in me; here I’d tried to believe Chats hadn’t talked shit about me in front of our boys. Or that my ex-husband wouldn’t allow it.

A pair of familiar thoughts drifted to the front of my mind, laced with more disgust than sadness this time.

What happened to us?

What the fuck did I ever see in you?

“I’m sorry,” Bryan said again. “We’ll work on it. I’ll talk to Tim. And we’ll…” He swallowed again, refusing to look at me. “You’re right that I need to do better. That we—me and Tim—need to do better.”

Somehow, it seemed like it should be more satisfying to hear him say that. If anything, it just made me feel like I could finally release my breath. Like a hard-fought battle was over. “Okay. That’s all I ask.”

He nodded silently.

“I’m, uh… I’m going to head home.”

Another nod.

I turned to go, already mentally shifting gears toward the conversation I needed to have once I got there.

“Trev.”

I faced my ex-husband again, and I was surprised to see an even more contrite and exhausted version of him. “Hmm?”

He glanced over his shoulder as if to check on the boys.

Then he faced me again, took a deep breath, and set his shoulders back, though that didn’t do much for his wilted posture.

“Maybe… Maybe we should look into some counseling again. As a family. It won’t bring us back together, but co-parenting…

navigating things with the boys and whoever we’re dating… ”

The suggestion almost sent me back a step. “You’d be willing to do that?”

Bryan nodded. “I, um… I think we should’ve stuck with it before.” He hesitated, then whispered, “I’m sorry, Trev. I really am.”

I pressed my lips together. After a moment, I said, “If you’re willing to set something up, I’m willing to go.”

There was a flash of irritation in his eyes—probably at the idea that he had to do the legwork.

Quite frankly, I thought that was a fair trade.

I’d made plenty of mistakes with him, but the mess we were in right now was the result of his choices.

Seemed like the least he could do was find us a counselor and get the ball rolling.

Evidently, he either agreed or didn’t want to argue anymore, because he sighed and nodded. “Okay. I’ll look around online and text you.”

“All right. Do you need the team’s schedule?”

“No. I have it.” He shifted his weight, not meeting my eyes. “And I’ll make sure there’s some flexibility.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

After that, I left, and he let me go this time.

In the parking lot, I started the engine, but just sat there for a moment.

That had probably been the most productive conversation we’d had since long before the divorce.

I was wrung out and exhausted, but I also felt like we’d finally gotten somewhere.

Not enough to reconcile—that ship had sailed—but enough that maybe we could function like civil adults while we raised our boys.

It was a big step in the right direction. I’d take it.

With a heavy sigh, I started out of the condo parking lot. This day had taken a lot out of me, but it wasn’t over yet.

I’d made some serious headway with my ex-husband.

Was it too much to ask to get somewhere with my ex-boyfriend, too?

Cam was only going to put up with this tension for so long.

I could feel it. Every time he texted me, which wasn’t nearly as often as before, I expected him to be telling me he’d landed a job elsewhere and was moving out.

The surge of panic his text tone brought was driving me out of my head.

I was terrified of losing him, and though I felt guilty about it, I was also terrified of losing the childcare he provided.

Which… no wonder he’d tapped out. Our relationship, his presence in the house—it all looped back to his job taking care of my kids.

He didn’t want to risk a relationship because he could lose his job.

I was scared to have tough conversations with him or even acknowledge the elephant in the room for fear that he’d leave.

He was right that we couldn’t separate us from his job. I didn’t know what the solution was for that, but… he was right.

I needed to talk to him, and it couldn’t wait.

But I also needed to do this in person. This wasn’t a conversation we could have over FaceTime, never mind text.

I exhaled into the stillness of my car. I didn’t want to wait another minute, but he deserved to hear it face to face.

I just hoped he was still there when I got home.

Cam was home.

Thank God, he was still here.

Guilt needled at me for being happy that Zach and Zane weren’t here, but I reminded myself it wasn’t glee that I was free or anything like that.

I just didn’t want them to hear this go down, especially because it might not go well.

And I wanted Cam and me to be able to focus on this conversation and not worry about our words carrying to the ears of my kids.

Still… guilt. The next time they were here, we’d do something special, if only to alleviate my conscience for this.

First things first, I needed to have this conversation with Cam, and it couldn’t wait.

I found him in the kitchen, cleaning up from making his lunch. When I walked in, he tensed; he didn’t bristle or glare at me, and his hackles didn’t go up, but the discomfort was palpable.

He was probably hoping I’d leave without saying anything.

I felt guilty, because I knew it wouldn’t be comfortable at first, but I hoped like hell I was doing the right thing and the outcome would be worth it.

“Hey.” I slid my hands into my pockets as I leaned against the counter. “Can we talk? Please?”

He chewed his lip, but as he closed the dishwasher, he nodded. “Okay. Yeah. We can talk.”

Well, that was progress.

“To cut right to the chase…” I hesitated, my guilt intensifying along with his obvious uneasiness.

Come on, Trev. Just fucking do it.

I took a deep breath. “Look, I don’t want you to be trapped with me, or to feel like your job and your stability are something I would hold over your head. I know I would never do that, but you don’t, and I get that. People change during breakups, and they do shit you never thought they would.”

Cam sighed. “Yeah. They definitely do.” He stared down at his hands.

“For the record, I don’t think you would.

It’s not you. I’m just… I still don’t feel like the ground is solid under my feet after what Daniel did.

And everything he did…” Cam laughed bitterly.

“It was on-brand for him. Someone that controlling and vindictive—I should’ve known.

And I think I did know.” He paused, then met my gaze. “I know you’re nothing like him. But…”

“But once bitten.”

“Exactly. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” It was so damn hard in that moment not to reach for his hand.

“You’re right to worry about it, especially after what you’ve been through.

I get it.” I swallowed, and as my heart pounded, I went on, “If things were different—if you didn’t have to be afraid that you’d be out of a job and a place to live if things didn’t work out between us—would you want to be with me? ”

I hated myself for the pain that crossed his expression.

“Trev,” he whispered. “We can’t—what’s the point of torturing ourselves like this?”

“I don’t want to torture ourselves. But I think that’s what we’ve been doing. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe we’re doing this all wrong.”

He met my eyes. “There’s no way around it, though.

” He gestured at our surroundings. “I live with you. I work for you. If you decide you can’t stand me anymore…

what do I do? I’ve managed to save some money since I’ve been here, but it isn’t like I can just waltz out the door and pick up someplace else.

” He blew out a breath. “Whether we like it or not, breakups do happen, and they can get ugly. But breaking up with you isn’t just a breakup for me.

My job and my place to live are gone.” He set his jaw. “We’ve been through this, Trev.”

“I know we have,” I said softly. “But what if there was a safety net?”

“A safety—what?”

I shifted a little, trying like hell to get comfortable while every muscle in my body was this tense. “An account. One that you have sole access to, with enough money in it to keep you going until you’ve landed a job and found a place.”

He grimaced. “I don’t have that kind of money.”

“No, but I do.”

Cam blinked. “You—wait, are you suggesting you’re going to… You want to create an escape fund for me?”

I half-shrugged. “You could call it that, I guess? What I want is to give you whatever you need to feel safe and secure. And to keep things separate. Yeah, you’re working for me and living here, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck in any of those things—the job, the house, or a relationship.

” I had to clear my throat because it was getting harder to keep my voice steady.

“I can hire someone else to watch the kids, too, if that makes the lines clearer. Whatever you need. Whatever makes you feel safe, and like you’re here because we both want you to be, not because you have to be. ”

I had never seen so much shock on Cam’s face before.

After a moment, he asked, “But… why?” He shook his head slowly. “You could have literally any man you wanted. You don’t have to settle for me. Why would you—why are you doing all of this just to be with me?”

It was so hard not to laugh out loud at that. The idea was just so absurd. Settling for him? Just being with him? There was no man in this world I wanted more than him.

“Cam…” I hesitated, then reached for his hand. “I don’t want any other men. Just you.”

He stared at me incredulously, as if he barely comprehended what I’d said, and what little he did understand, he couldn’t believe.

I gripped his hand tighter. “I love you, Cam. I’m in love with you. I…” I shook my head. “I can’t imagine being in love with anyone but you.”

His lips parted, eyes wide with disbelief.

“I mean it,” I whispered. “The truth is…” I had to fight back my emotions, and my voice came out unsteady, but I managed to finish, “The truth is that I’ve loved you since we were kids who didn’t know who we were.”

“Are you…” Cam swiped away some tears that had begun welling up. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I said shakily. “There is nothing I won’t do to make sure you’re happy and safe.

If that’s a bank account with enough money to leave if you want to—done.

If that’s hiring someone else to watch the kids so this feels less like a transaction—fine.

If it’s—whatever you need. Whatever you want.

” I swallowed hard, and I fought to hold his gaze as my eyes stung.

“That includes not doing this. Not being together. I want you happy and safe. Full stop.”

“But you do want us to be together.” His voice was full of wonder.

“Yes,” I said. “There’s no one else for me.”

Cam stared at me for long seconds, his eyes wide and lips apart. I was sure I should’ve been saying more, but I was out of words. I’d put every single card I had on the table, and all I could do now was wait for him to say something.

When he finally broke the standoff, he didn’t say a word.

He pulled me in closer by the hand I was holding. Then, just like he had that first time in my gym, he curved his other behind my neck, and…

Oh. God, yes. Finally.

Cam’s kiss had never made me break down before, but this time, there was a good chance it would.

The softness of his lips, the firmness of his grasp on the back of my neck, the way all this tension just fell away—it was all so damn perfect, I wouldn’t have been surprised or ashamed if I’d fallen apart right there in his arms.

Still holding onto my neck, he broke the kiss. His breath was warm and ragged across my lips, and his voice shook as he murmured, “I love you, Trev. So much.”

The words almost sent me to my knees, and when I spoke, my voice cracked. “I love you, too.”

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I never meant to put you in a position where?—”

My lips silenced his. Then I kissed his forehead and pulled him in tight. “It’s not your fault. The situation was what it was.” Stroking his hair, I added, “I never wanted you to feel like you were trapped or things were going to get yanked out from under you.”

He sighed, relaxing against me and holding me tighter. “I know. That’s not you.”

“But I get that the circumstances—even if it was never my intention, that doesn’t mean you won’t feel trapped.” I ran a hand up and down his back. “I want to be with you, but more than anything else in the world, I want you to feel safe. I want you to be safe.”

Though he didn’t let me go, the lessening tension was impossible to miss.

Holy fuck. It was like my entire life—my entire world—had been leading to this. That I’d spent the last decade flailing around and trying to find my way to this, and now that I was wrapped up in Cam’s arms…

I was home.

I was right where I’d always needed to be.

“God, I love you,” I whispered shakily, stroking his hair and just holding on as if he might vanish if I loosened my embrace.

“Me too,” he breathed. “Ever since we broke up…”

“It’s been awful.”

“It has.” He lifted his head and met my gaze, a few tears clinging to his lashes. “I think I missed you more when you were home than when you were on the road.”

Jesus. Did he want me to break down sobbing? Because that was where this was headed.

I cradled his face in both hands and kissed his forehead again. “We are going to make up for so much lost time when the season is over. I promise.”

He smiled. “I can’t wait.”

“Neither can I.” I pressed a soft kiss to his mouth, and we let it linger for a moment as the whole world seemed to… settle. As if, for the first time, everything was exactly the way it needed to be.

I’d wondered a few times if I’d ever meet someone who’d be worthy of being a stepfather to my sons. I wasn’t even a little bit surprised that when he’d shown up, it was the friend I’d been missing and the man I’d loved for most of my life.

Cam drew back a little. “You know, I’ve never had makeup sex before.” His lips curved into a devilish grin that weakened my knees. “Want to go find out if it’s as good as everyone says it is?”

I returned the grin. “It’s sex with you. I know it’s going to be good.”

“Still, we should find out.” He tugged me toward the stairs. “For science.”

Laughing, I followed him. “For science.”