Page 28

TREV

After the last game of that three-game road trip, our plane touched down in Pittsburgh at around four in the morning. I’d had just enough caffeine to keep me awake so I could drive home, and then I faceplanted in bed until my alarm went off. At least Coach had moved practice to noon instead of ten.

When I finally awoke, the house was painfully silent. For a moment, I thought maybe the kids were outside or otherwise playing quietly, but then I remembered they’d gone back to Bryan’s yesterday. The day before? Hell, the days were all blurring together.

Damn. I hated these road trips that were during my custody week, and then got me home right before the boys went back to his place.

I missed when we just went with the flow, and Bryan would let me take them if I was gone during my usual custody period.

His hardass approach might’ve made things easier for him, but it meant I had to go long stretches without seeing the twins, and that was killing me.

Worse, I was worried the boys were resenting me. That they thought I didn’t want them here, or that I didn’t care, or… something.

I closed my eyes and sighed. Well. This was a great train of thought to kick off the day.

I got up and shuffled in to take a shower. That helped a little, even though it gave my mind time to wander down some depressing tracks. By the time I was drying myself off, I’d resolved to text Bryan later and see if I could at least chat with the boys.

First things first… breakfast.

As I came downstairs, I didn’t see Cam anywhere, but when I went to pour my coffee, I realized he was outside on the back deck.

And I was halfway across the deck before I realized he was wearing a pair of gym shorts and…

And that was it.

Though we were into October now, the summer heat was still hanging on, and apparently he intended to take full advantage while it lasted.

Oh my God. Nearly his entire incredible body was on full display. One look, and my brain went completely blank except for how much I wished I could trace my fingertips over every inch of him. Or my tongue. I wanted to?—

I shook myself and looked away before I embarrassed myself.

Of course Cam picked that moment to twist around and look up at me. “Hey. How was the road trip?” He paused. “I mean… aside from your ex’s dickcheese of a boyfriend.”

I laughed dryly as I took a seat on one of the other deck chairs. “Aside from him and that one game, it was all right.”

He smiled. “That’s good.”

I half-shrugged. “I got through it.”

Cam studied me. “You okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. Just…” I wanted to say it was jetlag.

And flying in stupidly late. And… something other than the truth.

But this was Cam, and I could tell him the truth.

As I gazed at my kids’ scattered toys in the otherwise empty yard, and my shoulders sagged, and I wasn’t sure I could hold back the truth if I wanted to.

“Just sucks, being away from them and coming home just in time for them to go to Bryan’s place. ”

He winced. “I figured that was still bothering you.”

“Of course it is.” I huffed a sharp, frustrated breath. “The only time I’ve seen my boys lately has been when Bryan brought them to a game, plus the one day I had with them before I hit the road.” I fought back a surge of unwelcome emotions. “It fucking sucks.”

“Yeah, it does. And it shouldn’t be like that.” He flailed a hand in the general direction of the road. “You guys live so close together—it’s stupid that there can’t be some flexibility.”

“Right? And it’s…” I pressed my lips together as I tried to gather my thoughts.

Cam tilted his head. “What?”

I thought about it a bit more, then sighed.

“It’s not just that I don’t see them. It’s who does see them.

I’m gone all the time, and their dad’s boyfriend hates me.

” I raked my hand through my hair and exhaled hard.

“Their dad’s not too crazy about me either.

I’m just worried…” I chewed my lip, unsure how to finish.

Cam wasn’t so hard up for words: “You’re worried that’ll rub off on the kids.”

Wincing, I nodded. “Even if no one’s talking trash, I mean…” I dropped my hand into my lap and held Cam’s gaze. “The boys aren’t stupid, you know? They can pick up on the tension. And the fact that I’m not around. Like… a lot.”

He tilted his head. “Is that the core of the issue? Not that Bryan’s camp is going to turn the boys on you, but you being gone?”

My throat tightened, and I avoided his eyes as I nodded again.

“Especially now.” My shoulders sagged. “What if they notice that when they come to my house for my custody weeks… I’m gone?

” I looked at him through my lashes, and shame coiled around my heart as I whispered, “The way the hockey schedule is, they could go weeks between seeing me.”

“That’s not your fault, though,” he said softly. “They know you have to go with the team.”

“But what’s it going to do to them when they keep coming over to my house and it’s just you?” I winced. “I… I don’t mean you’re not?—”

“I know what you mean.” Cam’s smile was gentle. “I get it. You’re worried they’re going to start feeling your absence more because you’re gone when they’re supposed to be with you.”

I flinched and nodded.

He gave a quiet scoff. “Kind of have to wonder if that was Bryan’s plan.”

I stiffened. “You… picked up on that too?”

“Are you kidding?” Cam made a face and shook his head. “Who the fuck drops an ultimatum like that on their co-parent with almost no time to figure out a solution unless he wants you to fail?”

I sat back, startled to hear my own thoughts coming from his lips.

He tsked. “It’s pretty fucking obvious, isn’t it?

I mean, if he wanted to actually work with you and figure out an arrangement that was best for the kids, he’d have given you some time.

And he wouldn’t have come up with an arrangement in the first place that meant your kids—your six-year-old kids —will have to be without one of their parents for long stretches at a time just because he wanted a more predictable schedule.

” Cam rolled his eyes and made a disgusted sound.

“Nobody has kids because so they can have a predictable schedule.”

I managed a halfhearted laugh. “Isn’t that the truth.”

“Right? And I mean, I could be biased because I don’t like Bryan, I think he’s a dickhole, and I hate how he treats you. But that’s really how it looks to me.”

I chewed my lip, not sure what to say. As much as I couldn’t stand my ex-husband, I bent over backwards looking for ways to give him the benefit of the doubt when it came to his parenting.

He was a good dad. But… maybe Cam was right.

Bryan could be the world’s greatest dad, but he was a shitty co-parent, and it was taking its toll.

“It sucks,” I admitted. “Especially because there isn’t much I can do.

If this starts hurting my relationship with my sons…

” I couldn’t even finish the sentence because it hit me hard to imagine this whole shitshow—whether it was Bryan’s deliberate sabotage or not—damaging the relationships I had with Zach and Zane.

Cam touched my arm. “Trev. I need you to listen to me, okay?” He sat up and faced me fully, his expression serious but not unkind.

With no idea where this was going, I nodded. “Okay?”

“When I first got here, you said you weren’t sure if you were a good dad.”

I swallowed, dropping my gaze. This was not something I wanted to think about on top of everything else. “Yeah. I did.”

“Okay. Well. For what it’s worth, your boys get super excited when I tell them you’ll be FaceTiming with them soon.”

I met his eyes. “They do?”

“Oh, yeah. Then when I say they can stay up and watch the game if they finish their homework, they sit down and do it without a single complaint.” He motioned toward the door to the garage. “And whenever they hear your car after practice or a game, they go nuts that Dad’s home.”

My throat tightened, and I wasn’t sure why.

“All those videos I send you?” he went on. “The pictures? Those are because the boys ask me to. Every single one.”

I had to cough to get my breath moving. “They—really?”

“Yeah.” Cam smiled. “They don’t resent you for being gone. They miss you, and they wish you were home, but they know you’re just doing your job.”

I winced. “Doing my job, and not living with them even half the time. What kind of dad has their kids scrambling to make videos so he doesn’t forget they’re alive?”

Cam’s lips parted. “What? No, it’s nothing like that!”

I held his gaze, hoping like hell he’d elaborate, because I was dubious to say the least.

“Trev.” He shook his head. “They adore you. No, I won’t bullshit you and tell you they like it when you’re gone.

They miss you.” He shrugged. “It is what it is. But they love talking with you. They…” He laughed softly.

“My God, they get so excited when they watch you play hockey. Whether it’s on TV or in person. ”

I swallowed hard. “Really?”

“Of course. Yeah, I’m sure they would love it if you and Bryan still lived together and you could be home 24/7, but that’s because they love you, not because they think you’re abandoning them.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Or how to say it without falling apart, because his words had found their way to a tender spot I hadn’t even known existed.

“No parent is perfect,” he went on softly. “But the two people whose opinions matter the most think the world of you.”

Fuck. He was going to make me cry. “Really?” I whispered.

“Really.” He smiled and squeezed my arm. “Trust me.”

I did trust him. It was hard to believe that the divorce and the distance hadn’t tarnished my image in my kids’ eyes, but Cam was not someone who’d blow smoke up my ass.

If there was anyone on the planet I could trust to sit me down, look in the eye, and say, “Trevor, you need to unfuck things,” it was him.

When he said my boys thought the world of me, I could take that to the bank.

Eyes stinging, I smiled. “Thanks. I… definitely needed to hear that.”

“Any time. And I assume this means you want me to keep sending you all the pictures and videos they tell me to send?”

“Yes, please,” I said. “Send them all.”

“I will. I promise.” He narrowed his eyes. “Including the ones of them imitating Spud the Sparrow, you motherfucker.”

I barked a laugh, which felt so good. “Do it, and I’ll steal your phone and change all your ringtones to Pirate Bob songs.”

“Oh my God.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You’re a dick.”

“Eh. Don’t act surprised.”

“I’m not.”

I chuckled, grateful for the levity that gave me a chance to pull myself together. The dam wasn’t going to hold, but I wasn’t going to collapse right here in front of my longtime friend.

Clearing my throat, I gestured over my shoulder. “I’m, uh… I need to go eat something. I’ve got practice at noon.”

“Okay.” Cam smiled that adorable smile that I’d missed so much. “You want me to throw something together?”

I didn’t think I had the headspace to cook today, but I shook my head anyway. “Nah. I’ll just grab something quick on my way. And it’s your day off, so…”

He shrugged. “Day off or not, we’re still basically roommates. If you want something, just say so.”

Oh, I wanted something. But I didn’t dare say it out loud.

And after our conversation, I was feeling a little too raw for that anyway. More than anything, I needed a moment to myself, so I quickly bowed out of the conversation to go upstairs.

Alone in my bedroom, I leaned against the door.

Without Cam around to see or hear me, I couldn’t hold back all those emotions that had been trying like hell to crash through, and I didn’t try.

I didn’t even know why I was this emotional.

I wasn’t that kind of guy. Maybe I was just sleep-deprived.

Maybe I just really, really missed my kids.

But I was pretty sure it was because what Cam had told me—it had shaken something loose in me.

“No parent is perfect, but the two people whose opinions matter the most think the world of you.”

God. Cam. Way to hit me right in the feels.

For most of my life, I’d wanted nothing more than to be the best hockey player I could be.

For the past almost-seven years, all I’d wanted was to be the best dad possible to my two boys.

More and more, I’d been terrified that for all I’d succeeded in becoming that hockey player, I was a failure as a father.

I couldn’t make my marriage to their other dad work. I had to hire a nanny to fill in all the time I couldn’t spend with them during my custody weeks. I saw them on FaceTime more than I saw them in person.

I was a fucking awful dad.

But maybe…

Maybe I’d been wrong.

They were excited to see me? They wanted Cam to send me videos of them? They missed me but didn’t resent me?

God. Cam. I needed to hear that. I needed to hear it so damn bad. It hurt to hear it, but it also fixed a lot of cracks that had been driving me insane.

Leaning against my bedroom door, I wiped my eyes and tried to catch my breath, not that it did much good.

This wasn’t the first time I’d cried since my divorce.

But it was the first time they’d been tears of pure, bone-deep relief.