Page 165 of Loving the Tormentor

I pause above her face, my voice turning unexpectedly serious.

"I know there’s nothing I can do that will make up for what you’ve been through in the last years."

Her eyes cloud with immense sadness, and my heart fissures at the pain she must have endured because of me.

"But I’m here," I rasp. "I’m here, and I’ll never leave you again. Not you, not Sophie…not our daughter."

She looks into my eyes, deep into my soul.

"Do you believe me?" I ask.

I’m scared. So fucking terrified of losing her again that I can feel cold sweat coating the back of my neck.

"I know you have no reason to take me back, to put yourself through loving me when I made it so hard for both of us. You raised Lyra on your own until now. I know you don’tneedme."

She tries to turn her head away, but I gently cup her cheek, forcing her to look at me.

"Nyx. We’re having this conversation. You avoided talking to me at graduation, observing from afar while I reunited with our friends. And I get it, it was a lot to take in for everyone, so you let them all have their moments. But then we gave the kids to ourparents so we couldtalk, and you jumped me the second we got here. Granted, I’m irresistible…"

She rolls her eyes. "Try unbearable."

"Try talking to me."

She pauses, leaving me yearning for our perfect love again. It’s right there. I can brush it with the tips of my fingers, but I can’t grasp it.

"I’ll have a breakdown," she admits in a whisper. "And I haven’t allowed myself those since Lyra."

"I understand, but–"

"No, you don't understand."

She pushes me off her with a strength I didn't expect, and I roll onto the bed, understanding she needs the space.

"Youthinkyou understand, but you weren't there. Not when I was growing up, and not for the first months of Lyra's life. She deserves better than the kind of mom I had. She deserves someone happy with her situation, with what she has. Ican’tadmit how hard it’s been or how many times I almost gave up when she should be my entire focus."

If I thought it was painful to not see Nyx all that time, seeing her like this takes the trophy. Stabbing myself in the heart would certainly hurt less.

I stand up but stay a good distance away from her, too scared that she'll run away.

"You can break down with me,mon trésor.Always. That’s what our love is for. A safe space where you can admit when things are hard, where we can share our deepest secrets and shame. No one ever has to know what we share in the sanctity of our relationship. I can bring you back up when you're down. It's what you created for me, and I'll do the same for you. It's what made me want to live."

"But you didn't live," she pushes out through gritted teeth as tears start running down her cheeks. "And I was alone."

My throat tightens, and I can barely say the words. "I thought I was protecting you."

I try to take a step forward, but she shakes her head.

"You don't know what it was like. Losing you. Finding out I was pregnant." She chokes on a sob. "Oscillating between hating you for leaving me behind to take care of a baby and thinking that at least you were at peace. The thoughts that went through my mind."

Her beautiful face scrunches in the cutest and most innocent way, but she doesn't realize that's what she looks like in my eyes. She's emanating guilt.

"I didn't know if I could do it. The conversations with Peach and Lena where I talked about…about…not keeping—" She gasps as a sob explodes from her lungs.

She's about to hide her face in her hands, but I break the distance between us, catching her in an embrace as she falls forward.

"I understand," I croak, digging my hand in her hair and pressing her face against my chest. "No one would've blamed you, Nyx. Certainly not me."

"I kept going from hate to pain to longing. All I wanted was for you to be there. And I couldn't do a fucking thing about it," she whimpers. "I didn't know if I could do it, but it was all I had left of you. A part of you with me, forever. And to be clear, I don’t blame you for the suicide attempt. I would never blame you for the way in which you attempted to fight depression. It’s a war, not a battle. I understand that. But,God, you were alive all this time and didn’t say a thing."