Page 162 of Loving the Tormentor

Sometimes, I watch videos of us we filmed in this very house, and his voice feels unfamiliar because I keep on living without him.

One day, I wake up in the morning, and my hand doesn't go to his side of the bed. I know he's not here with me anymore…and I keep on living.

That life I live that keeps on happening without him is what truly feels like the end.

Chapter Forty-Two

Nyx

Eternity – Alex Warren

One year and eight months after Achilles’s funeral…

You hold my hand as we walk into the concert hall, and you roll your eyes at some students' parents going fan-mode on you. The prodigy, Achilles Duval, is in the same room as them. You go to your seat, telling me something you know will make me smile before leaving me, and I get in line with the other graduates. You’re the only one I'm watching when I get on that stage. Your eyes full of pride keep me going, and I'm here only to celebrate the countless hours you spent teaching me. None of this would’ve been possible without you. You wink one of those annoyingly sexy winks at me as I'm about to throw my cap, and you're the first person I run to when it's over.

Achilles, I can't wait to graduate. You're going to be so proud of me.

I love you.

I still dream sometimes.

I close my notebook and leave it on my desk. I always reread the title on it one last time before I put it away.

I'm a dreamer. You should try it sometimes.

I did what he said. Sometimes, I open my notebook and write him a letter as if he was still here. It helps with the guilt of enjoying life without him, the second grieving my therapist always talks about. It helps with feeling like a part of him is still with me, and it means I follow his last wish. The first letters were pages long, but almost two years later, I keep it short and sweet. It feels good to not lose myself in the pain for too long.

I grab my gown just as a car beeps in the front yard. Peach is here to drive me to my graduation.

"And last but not least, please, a round of applause for our talented soloist, Nyx Mayer."

My stomach somersaults when my name is called. As if the talented soloist wasn't me. I stand up in the concert hall of the SFU School of Music, and my eyes search the crowd for my dad. He and Lena smile at me, waving hard and encouraging the people around them.

I laugh to myself as I shake Mrs. Oakes’s hand. I already told her I wouldn't do a speech, and she understood. She was devastated when she heard of what happened to Achilles back then, and this orchestra was never the same without him.

Josh is waiting for me among the other students, wearing his cap too, and he gives me a tight hug when I get off stage.

Today isn't only my graduation. This morning, the last man in the "Silent Circle Trials" as the press likes to call it, was handed his verdict. Life in prison. It was the very last Shadow to be tried. No one truly important, but who committed a lot ofcrimes. It feels like I can finally, truly leave all of this behind. It was the kind of closure I needed.

Some questions will never be answered. Mainly, the one I keep asking myself:why? Why did he have to go when he was about to out all of them? When it was going to be the beginning of something new? Surely, that should have given him hope. For a while, Wren kept on going with his own answer. That the Circle knew he was Hermes, and they were going to kill him the second the files were out, so he made the decision himself to save all of us. I don't know, possible.

What I know is that depression is an illness, and Achilles couldn't control how he felt inside. Neither could I. That's something I've had to work on extensively. That my actions didn’t have anything to do with his act. That he was fighting something stronger than him. Physiologically, unless he had gotten help, he wasn't going to win this one. And even if he had gotten help, who knows what might have happened. Achilles Duval was a powerful man, but he was powerless against his own mind.

I smile to myself as I look down at the engagement ring around my finger. No one will ever replace the love of my life, but I’ll keep on going despite everything.

I walk down the stage to join my family and my friends, but something catches my eye. Achilles's mom is here. She never contacted me again after the funeral, never picked up any of my calls, and slowly, we disappeared from each other's lives. A little girl is next to her. Sophie. She's grown so much since the last time I saw her almost two years ago, at the back of the diner. Her blonde hair is long, and her steel eyes make me freeze.

They're the same as his.Exactlythe same. She looks in my direction and winks at me. And for a second, he's in the room with us, winking at me in that way I pretended to hate and yet loved so much. A single tear rolls down my face, and I don'twipe it away, almost enjoying the visceral pain. I haven't felt his absence so strongly in a long time.

"Isn't she just the cutest? I taught her that."

The voice behind me stops my breath. I blink at Sophie, and she smiles brightly at me. Not at me,behindme. Like that wink, it wasn't for me. It was for…

I slowly turn around, my stomach twisting, my mind screaming at me that I'm insane. That this is another one of the tricks I used to play on myself. Seeing Sophie set me back many steps.

But then my eyes collide with his. His smell invades me. His face… His hair, his smug smile. Exactly the same. He hasn't changed one bit. Except for the fact that he'salive and standingright in front of me.

"Congratulations on your graduation,mon trésor.I'm so proud of you for keeping on being a dreamer."