Page 43 of Love at First Sight

We take over the beer garden at the back of the Hope and Anchor, our backdrop the Stray Kids mural. It’s very, very cool to be here, surrounded by people supporting my thing, a thing I thought about and planned and financed and executed. I did it! I actually, really did it.

‘I’m proud of you, kid,’ Dad says to me, handing me my drink from the bar. He lifts his glass in a cheers and we clink.

‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘I feel proud of me too.’

India overhears, and suddenly starts banging on a table to make everyone hush as she cries, ‘Speech! Speech!’

‘India!’ I admonish. ‘Shut up! No!’

But it’s too late. Everyone has their eyes on me, waiting for me to say something.

They’re kind eyes, though, and everyone here loves and supports me.

I know that. I see Thom and Ali slip into the courtyard as India and Zoya help me up onto a bench so I can see everyone.

They both give me a little wave. I take a breath, and then nothing comes out because I spot Leo, lingering at the back, pint glass in hand.

He raises it to me in cheers, and waits to see what I’ll say, alongside everybody else.

I’m so happy he’s here. So much so, I pretty much direct my entire speech to him.

‘It’s been a good day,’ I say. ‘And I feel really proud of what we’ve built.

I’m proud of myself for taking the leap, but more than that I’m proud of myself for being surrounded by so many loving, supportive, hilarious people who have kept me going whenever doubt crept in.

So my cheers is for me, yes, and for Stray Kids.

But it is also for you, my people, who make every day, in so many special ways, so very much sweeter. Cheers.’

‘Here, here,’ shouts Leo through a cupped hand, and it hits me, as I look down at him, that I really do deserve it all.

I deserve to be happy, and loved, and successful, and it’s time to stop being so afraid of what could go wrong, and focus instead on enjoying what could go right.

Leo smiles at me, broadly. It makes my throat go dry, my stomach flip at the sight of his handsome face.

I’ve done it – I’ve launched Stray Kids, and survived, and it’s all going to be okay.

And I think Leo is right too – that he won’t be a distraction.

Leo is, and always has been, a plus, not a minus.

He adds, he doesn’t subtract. It all makes sense now.

Bear, from the gym, breaks the spell by saying loudly, ‘Shit. I think I’m going to cry!’ but there’s lots of clapping and back-slapping. I think they’ve heard me. I think they’ve accepted my words and know how much I love them. Now I’m ready to love myself, too.

I get down off the chair, helped by Thom, who pulls at my elbow to have a word. I’m distracted, wanting to get to Leo to tell him I was wrong, I’ve changed my mind, that I am ready to want him and give it a try. I don’t want him to leave. He can’t go before I tell him!

‘Really well done today,’ Thom says. I look down to see his other hand on Ali’s waist, and they clock me noticing it.

‘Yeah,’ says Ali. ‘This is a thing.’

‘I wanted to come and apologise myself,’ Thom says, ‘for what you saw the other week. And if you’ve suspected anything, or been made to feel uncomfortable even before that …’

‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘I appreciate you saying that.’

Ali sees somebody she knows and says, ‘I’ll be right back, guys. There’s somebody over there I need to say hello to.’

Thom and I watch her go, and I can tell there’s more he wants to say.

‘I never got over her,’ he admits. ‘I never even wanted the divorce. But I know we’ve been toxic for each other. Can’t live with each other, can’t live without each other … that can’t have been easy to be around.’

I hold up my hands. ‘None of my business. So don’t sweat it.’

‘But I do, Jessie. Things need to change. Ali told me about you leaving, and for what it’s worth I think you’re absolutely right.

This is all amazing.’ He gestures around him, and as I follow his movement, I see India and Leo huddled in a corner together, talking avidly.

India looks up in my direction and then signals with her hand for me to mind my own business.

I turn back to Thom, suppressing my curiosity.

At least Leo is still here, at least I can still talk to him myself.

‘It’s been an honour to know you, and work with you, these past seven years,’ Thom continues. ‘The impact you’ve had on my family is immeasurable, and now you’re going to have an impact on so many more families.’

‘Thom!’ I say, forcing myself to focus on what he’s saying. ‘That’s a really nice thing to say! Thank you!’

‘I mean it,’ he tells me. ‘And at our end, we’re doing therapy, you know. So we don’t muck this up again.’

‘That’s good,’ I say. ‘Congratulations. Really.’

‘Thanks,’ he says. ‘It drove me mad to see her with someone else.’

I haven’t thought about Cal since this morning, and the mention of him spikes my cortisol, my heartbeat skipping in anger.

‘Well, fuck him,’ I say with a wink, and Thom laughs.

‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘Fuck that guy.’

Somebody ordered in pizza from the place where they make it with love, and as it appears, we feast, and drink.

Dad seems to be chatting with Thom’s agent, an older lady with fabulous hair who lives west but is in Stoke Newington to see an old friend by chance.

They’re laughing, and Dad keeps reaching out and touching her arm when he talks, and I can tell that he’s flirting by a country mile.

I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be happy to see my dad’s pick-up game, but after Simone it feels joyous to watch.

He’s going to be okay. I take a deep breath and let my body feel it.

Really. We’re going to be okay.

‘You all right?’

Leo. I turn to him and smile. He’s here, and he is wonderful, and I’m going to do it. I am going to declare my feelings. I feel sick, and not at all cool, and like the only thing worse than saying the words would be not saying them.

‘Yeah,’ I say, and we stand there, out in the cool breeze of the night in the pub garden, looking at each other.

When Leo looks at me, I feel happy. When Leo looks at me, I feel safe.

When Leo looks at me, I feel like nobody else in the world exists except me and him. Plus, he really makes me laugh.

‘Leo,’ I say, stepping towards him. ‘Do you fancy taking a walk?’

I gesture to the quiet street beside the church, and he looks to where I’m pointing and then back again.

‘Okay …’ he says. ‘You’re not going to, like, murder me or anything, are you?’

I shake my head.

‘No,’ I say. ‘But … can I hold your hand?’

Slowly, he replies, ‘Okay …’ before offering it to me.

I lace my fingers through his and hold on tightly.

It feels nice. We walk in silence, because I don’t know where to start.

When we reach the cemetery, I point to an old tree branch that has fallen, just under a street lamp, so we can see one another.

‘Come here,’ I say.

Leo sits beside me, and I will myself to breathe deeply.

‘I’m a bit nervous,’ I say, quietly, trying to laugh but sounding manic. Leo reaches out to my leg and puts his hand on my knee to stop it shaking.

‘It’s only me,’ he says.

I nod, letting the fact sink in. ‘Yeah. I suppose I just … urm … well. You know the other night? Did you mean what you said?’

I dare to look at him sideways, just in time to see a flicker of something at the corner of his mouth, like he might burst out laughing.

‘About … having feelings for you?’ he says, reluctantly, like this might be a trap.

‘Yes,’ I say.

‘I meant it.’

‘Okay.’ My voice is a whisper. Why is this so scary?

Why do I feel so afraid? Is this what it’s like to put yourself out there?

Is this feeling why I have avoided it for so long, let myself fall for people I can’t have instead of confronting the possibility of anything real? To avoid the possibility of rejection?

‘It’s just, urm, I think I want you too,’ I say.

Leo nods, digesting this. ‘Okay …’

‘So, what do you think?’

‘I think you’re going to have to do better than that,’ he replies.

I look at him, and he throws up a hand in a half-shrug, his other still firmly planted on my thigh.

‘A man likes to be romanced,’ he says. ‘Likes the big declaration. I think I’m worth it,’ he adds. He’s not even kidding – he means it.

‘That’s such a Leo thing to say,’ I tell him, smiling. Relaxing.

‘Doesn’t make it any less true.’

I nod.

‘Leo,’ I begin, ‘I’ve known you for a while now.

You’ve always made me feel good, always been good chat at the pub, always told me I’m cute or pretty or whatever.

And something stopped me from believing it was true.

But, just lately, I’ve been thinking that I might want to believe everything you say.

I’ve been thinking that I’m my best self when I’m with you, and that you’re kind, and loyal, and always show up.

You’re also okay to look at, which helps. ’

Leo laughs.

‘Much better,’ he says, gently.

‘And so,’ I press on, and I must admit, the more the words flow out of me the easier it gets to say them, ‘I was wondering if …’

‘If …?’ he says, shifting his body so that his face is closer to mine. I look at his lips. His perfect, full lips. He pulls the bottom one between his teeth, slowly, seductively, and then smiles.

‘If you would kiss me,’ I say.

And he does, those lips meeting mine, soft and perfect and true.