Page 39 of Love at First Sight

I wake up thinking of Leo. We kissed! A chaste, restrained kiss, but lips-on-lips nonetheless.

I’m smiling remembering it, remembering his hand in mine on the way home, how he told me he was going to kiss me, how he said he could go slowly, if that’s what I needed.

It’s like everything I have ever dreamed of – everything I hoped I’d get from Cal, when I was daydreaming about us before I knew his truth.

But I just cannot escape that it’s Casanova Leo.

I love his company, I really do. Time passes by in a flash when we’re together.

He’s been persistent and vocal about his intentions.

He’s very attractive, too, of course. Urgh.

I don’t know! And I don’t even want to sound this out with India because she’ll just tell me to go for it, which is all well and good but it’s not her heart, is it?

We do things for the story, but I don’t think my self-esteem could handle deciding to trust Leo and then getting proved totally right about my first instinct.

WHY ARE MEN SO HARD WHY IS DATING SO HARD WHY AM I SUCH AN OVERTHINKER?!?!?!?!

What I do know is, I feel differently about Cal today.

Something has shifted, overnight, as I’ve thought about all of Leo’s good points.

It really throws Cal into the shade in terms of what my standards should be.

I might have turned Cal down because of Ali’s ultimatum in the first place, but she did me a favour if I’m really honest with myself.

Just like accepting a crappy Health and Safety assessment result, maybe I have such low expectations for myself that I thought I deserved the complications Cal brought with him.

But I don’t. I deserve straightforward. I deserve declarations of intent and actions that follow. Cal didn’t give me any of that.

But Leo did.

I sigh.

Leo did all that.

That’s certainly not nothing.

I really don’t know what to expect from my second Health and Safety visit, but I’m nervous as hell because I need this to work out. We’re full steam ahead now, and I’d do anything to get sign-off so the council aren’t something I have to worry about any more.

I’m wearing cropped jeans and a logoed T-shirt, a box of which has just arrived in the post, with my hair in a low ponytail.

I looked relaxed but official, friendly but competent.

It’s possible I’m putting too much thought into what vibes my outfit gives off, but it’s one of the only things I can control, so I go with it.

It’s a sunny day, and the park looks verdant and lush.

There’s just enough activity around to make the place feel lively, like a real community hub.

So I make the executive decision to pull out some deckchairs from the Stray Kids HQ hut and pop them in the shade, so that Jules, the Health and Safety inspector, can sit comfortably as I beg for her to tell me how to fix whatever the issue is.

‘So nice to meet you,’ she says, when she arrives – clipboard under her arm, short blonde bob tucked behind one ear. ‘Great hut!’

I smile. ‘A friend fixed it up for me. Well, for us actually – all of us, because Stray Kids isn’t mine any more. It’s for everyone. Anyone who wants to be a part of it.’

Jules nods.

‘Great,’ she says. ‘Do you want to talk me through it then? Just walk me through everything you identify as a potential hazard, and the steps you’re taking to mitigate that risk.’

‘Sure thing,’ I say, and I don’t stop talking for the next twenty-five minutes as I show Jules around the site.

When we’re done, Jules and I circle back to the hut, where she sits down to leaf through various bits of paper from the portfolio she’s been carrying under her arm.

She’s laughed when I’ve made little jokes, nodded with what I thought was sincerity when I explained our processes to her, and muttered variations of good , awesome and excellent whenever I’ve stopped for breath.

And yet, now she’s frowning like something is still wrong.

‘Anything else I can help with?’ I ask, nervously.

She looks up.

‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘I’m just trying to figure out why exactly you were passed on to me as a fail in the first place. I didn’t have time to read this beforehand, but now I’m looking properly, it was all in order to begin with.’

I blink slowly.

‘Did you say this was passed on to you as a fail?’ I say. I almost don’t dare ask what I really need to know. ‘Was that by Cal?’

She looks down. ‘Calvin Lopez, before he went on annual leave, yeah. I just can’t figure out what he’s done here. It must be a mistake.’

‘Jules,’ I say. ‘He and I …’

‘Oh god,’ she says, holding up a hand and looking afraid. ‘Don’t tell me. Were you seeing him?’

‘No!’ I say, because obviously, technically, we weren’t anything. ‘We knew each other, before all this.’

‘Romantically?’ she clarifies.

‘It’s complicated,’ I admit. ‘But long story short, he wanted it to be and I didn’t. You don’t think there’s any way this misunderstanding is related to that, do you?’

‘That little fuck,’ Jules says, and I’m taken aback by her language. She seemed so professional! But I suppose behind every lanyard there’s a woman who won’t stand for tomfoolery. ‘I told him if this ever happened again …’

‘It’s happened before?’

Jules sighs, and closes her portfolio. We’re not professionals, now, we’re women.

And women tell each other the truth. ‘I’ve said too much.

As his boss, I cannot further expand. Legally speaking, considering this will now have to go to HR.

But as a fellow woman, Jessie, I am so very sorry for wasting your time.

You obviously have all your ducks in a row, everything sorted.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do.

It looks grand, and I have a feeling you’re going to be very successful indeed. ’

She stands up and reaches out a hand for me to shake, which I take.

‘Thank you,’ I say, and as I watch her walk away I think: Cal did this to me? And he’s done it before? What a dick!

I march out of the park and down Church Street, my mind racing.

This is insane: Cal was supposed to be a good guy.

I mean, well, he’s had a bit of a narrative arc to him.

First he was good, then he was bad, but lately he’s been good again.

And good guys don’t behave this way. Is he mad at Ali but lashing out at me?

Have I missed something, or am I really being punished for turning him down?

I didn’t even want to! Ali made me! But heck if I didn’t have a lucky escape, then, if this is the kind of crazy, unhinged behaviour he’s capable of.

I cannot understand how anyone could do something so awful. What a foul, immature boy.

I find myself outside the butcher’s, Leo’s reassuring face smiling at me through the window when he sees me and then frowning when it is apparent I’m spiralling.

‘Everything has been approved for Stray Kids,’ I say, as I walk in.

He looks to his left to speak to somebody I can’t see. ‘Jeff, I’m going to pop out for a few minutes.’ He takes off his apron, washes his hands, and then guides me out of the shop to a bench in the shade across the street.

‘Isn’t being approved for everything at Stray Kids a good thing?’ he asks me, slowly.

‘Well, yes,’ I say. ‘Obviously. But this was my second go on the horse. And you know what? It turns out I didn’t need a second go, because Cal sabotaged my first one! On purpose! Because I didn’t want to hook up with him, or whatever.’

Leo exhales sharply. ‘Right,’ he says. ‘And who is Cal?’

‘You had brunch with him, with Ali.’

‘Oh!’ he says, perking up. I watch him connect all the dots. ‘Cal? He hit on you? He cheated on Ali?’

‘Nothing happened,’ I say. ‘And he didn’t proposition me until after she’d dumped him. Which is another thing! All this time he was stringing me along, telling me they were going to break up …’

‘Oh,’ says Leo, and I can tell he’s trying to hide his disappointment. ‘You were into him then?’

‘No!’ I say, too quickly. I look at Leo. He’s furrowing his brow, waiting for the rest of the story. ‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘I was trying not to be.’

‘Got it,’ says Leo, uncertainly.

We sit, and my heart rate slows back down, my breathing returning to normal. Leo waits patiently, not rushing to fill the silence with empty platitudes or versions of a pep talk. I appreciate that. I like it when a man doesn’t go into problem-solving mode. I really did just need to vent.

‘I’ve calmed down now,’ I say, eventually. ‘Sorry for dumping all that on you.’

‘Honoured you thought of me,’ Leo replies. ‘And I’m glad you feel better.’

‘I just really don’t get why somebody would be so mean to another person, you know? Like go after the thing they really care about? It’s psychotic.’

Leo nods. ‘I’ll say.’

‘Thank you for listening.’ I take a big breath, steadying myself and trying to get into a new headspace, one without Cal bloody Lopez in it. ‘Looks like the launch will be going ahead as planned, anyway.’ I muster up a smile and a little ‘Yay!’ with some jazz hands.

‘I’m pleased for you, Jessie,’ Leo says. ‘I really am.’

‘Thank you.’

‘And for what it’s worth …’

He hesitates.

‘Yes?’ I say.

‘You need to start believing you’re worthy of a man who can say that he wants you and follow through with the actions to prove it.’

It takes way too long for me to understand that Leo is referring to himself. I woke up thinking of him, and still can’t believe he wants me. What the hell is my problem?

‘You.’ I let it slip out before I can stop myself.

‘Please tell me you are not this clueless,’ Leo says. ‘Yes, Jessie. I’ve been here the whole time, just trying to show you how much I like you. I thought …’

He pauses.

‘Go on,’ I say, my heart thundering so hard I feel like it’s making the rest of me shake.

Softly, he intones: ‘I thought you felt it too.’

I take in the lines of his face, how his sharp jaw curves up towards his ear. The soft bit of skin beneath his earlobe. The mole on his collarbone.

‘Jessie,’ he says, leaning towards me. ‘It’s me. I’m the guy.’

I find myself moving my body in his direction, looking at his mouth as he stares down at mine.

Leo reaches out and cups my head, his big, manly hand spreading fingers across the side of my skull, his thumb gently caressing the space near my mouth.

He smiles, like he’s finally getting dessert at a busy restaurant that took too long with his order.

He’s so handsome. And kind. And he’s been here, by my side, helping me.

And of course I fancy him – who wouldn’t?

He’s charming, the world’s biggest flirt.

The world’s biggest flirt .

Urgh.

I pull away, look over to the road.

‘Oh no,’ he says, dropping his hand. ‘What just happened?’

‘I’ve already let one man distract me from all this,’ I say. ‘From Stray Kids and … life. I can’t let another one do the same …’

It hurts me to say it, so much so that I consider not saying anything at all. But I need to be strong for myself. These next few days are everything I’ve wanted for so long. I need to be sensible. Cal almost threw me off course. Wouldn’t I be a tragic fool if I let Leo do the same?

‘That’s just it,’ Leo says. ‘I wouldn’t be a distraction. I’d be an asset.’

I shake my head, sadly. ‘Don’t, Leo,’ I say. ‘Come on. I’m not strong enough for this.’

‘You really do think I’m just a player, don’t you?’ he asks.

‘Aren’t you?’ I immediately regret it. He looks devastated, his face falling in on itself.

‘No,’ he insists. ‘Jesus, Jessie. I am here. I have been here. I don’t know how to make my intentions any clearer! It’s like you don’t want to be happy …’

‘I want to be happy,’ I retort. ‘Of course I want to be happy!’

‘So let this be easy,’ he tells me. ‘Jessie …’

But my attention is caught by a passing woman who I recognise.

She’s wearing gym clothes, Lycra shorts and a sports bra, in mint green.

Her skin is the colour of walnut, smooth as I’ve ever seen in real life, and her hair is half tied up and half cascading down her back, like a waterfall.

She’s gorgeous. Leo is looking right at me, and his gaze does not waver, but I swear I hear her say, ‘Hi, Leo.’ It’s enough to remind me that for as much as I like Leo – and I do, I actually really do, now I can admit it to myself – I can’t.

I can’t do this. I don’t believe he really wants it either.

He could have anyone. I think he likes the thrill of the chase, and I don’t trust that he won’t tire of me as soon as he thinks he can have me.

I can’t ignore what I already know about him: he’s a player.

Not when I ignored so many red flags with Cal.

The evidence in Leo’s ‘against’ column is just too great.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I can’t.’

But I sit there, not wanting to be the one who walks away. Leo has to do the hard part for me, getting up and leaving without another word.