Page 40 of Love at First Sight

It’s two nights before the launch, and I’m leaving Stray Kids HQ. I texted Leo yesterday, after our heart-to-heart the day before, and said, simply, I’m sorry …

He replied: It’s okay. Friends?

Friends xxx , I sent back. I did it reluctantly, my feelings jumbled up like an artist’s palette. I can’t tease them out, examine them one by one. I don’t have time, I don’t have energy. This is how it has to be. Onwards. As friends. Back to how we were.

Tonight I text Leo a picture of the hut he rebuilt for me, the setting sun low in the sky behind it, the birds and the bees doing their thing, a snap of a perfect English summer.

Everything looking good for the launch! I tell him. I want contact, want to know I’ve made the right decision. It’s selfish, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I want proof I haven’t lost him, even though our relationship is not romantic. Will we see you there?

I’ll do my best , he sends back, right away. I note he isn’t playing games or punishing me. That’s classy. Dented ego and all.

I smile at my screen. Typical Leo. I’m impressed he’s keeping things cordial, because after being rejected a lesser man wouldn’t.

I’ve really grown to respect him. I’ve wondered more than once this past forty-eight hours if I did the right thing.

I keep picturing his face when he said, ‘It’s me.

I’m the guy.’ It was so much more romantic than I realised in the moment.

It’s me. I’m the guy. It’s like it was scripted for a romance movie, Ryan Gosling saying it to Rachel McAdams in The Notebook .

Still. When it comes to head-versus-heart, I have to go with my head on this one. My heart cannot be trusted.

I leave Stray Kids HQ and am surprised to see Ali waiting at the gate of the park.

I’m with Zoya, from the gym, and can feel her eyes bulge at the sight of a celebrity within spitting distance, and I almost laugh when Ali calls my name and Zoya realises she knows me.

Zoya makes a sort of squeeeee sound, like a whoopee cushion letting out air very slowly.

‘I have a few things to do,’ I tell Zoya, when Ali locks eyes with me. ‘Thanks for this evening. I really appreciate it.’

Zoya scampers off, looking back over her shoulder and pulling her phone out of her bag, no doubt to text everyone she knows that Ali O’Hara is at the park, waiting to see her friend from the gym.

I don’t say anything as I approach Ali, but she gives me the beginnings of a smile, a way to declare that she comes in peace.

‘Hi,’ she says, when I’m closer.

‘Hello,’ I reply. It doesn’t feel normal or natural to be cold with her.

I’ve spent years bending myself to her will, reading her moods before she speaks so I know how to behave, but I have to remember she isn’t my boss any more, and friends – if we ever were such a thing, if that’s possible when one pays the wage of the other – don’t have to do those things.

‘Do you have a minute?’ she asks.

‘Yes,’ I say.

‘Maybe for a drink?’ she presses. ‘On the corner?’

I’m dirty and sweaty and feel gross, not to mention I’m dressed in old workout leggings and a T-shirt.

My body aches from moving boxes and sorting shelves and walking the park again, and again, and again, so as to assess exactly where the volunteers need to be, parameters for kids, all of that.

But I recognise how much it took Ali to come here, so I say yes.

‘Look,’ she says, once we’re nestled in a table in the pub courtyard, a couple of bottles of beer in hand. ‘There’s stuff I’d like to clear up, if that’s all right with you. Because I know I haven’t behaved as my best self, and I need to apologise. So firstly, I’m sorry. I’ve been acting crazy.’

I make a face that signifies that, yes, she has, but issue a smile with it too, so it’s clear I appreciate she’s making the effort at all.

‘I know,’ she says, clocking my expression.

‘I’m always crazy. I know I can be unreasonable and demanding.

I fire almost everyone eventually, but with you it’s always been different.

I guess I never felt judged by you. And Henry adores you, so, so much.

I’ve told him you’re taking time off. Anyway.

The other day, what you saw with me and Thom … ’

We let that hang between us, and I try not to think about Thom pulling up his pants and manhandling himself back into his underwear. Some things change the dynamic between two people forever – and with Thom, me seeing his penis has undoubtedly done that for us.

‘You’ve probably guessed that we’ve been seeing each other for a while.

Even after we signed the papers, it never really stopped.

He’s like an addiction, you know? It’s the same for him, too.

We ended things for a while when he got engaged, but then I was so jealous he was moving on, and when he found out about Cal and me getting more serious too … ’

I can’t help myself. I have to know. ‘You cheated on Cal?’ I ask, and I can’t tell if I want the answer to be yes or no.

‘Yeah,’ Ali admits. ‘But me and Cal, you have to understand … we both knew it was a placeholder. It wasn’t serious, and even me talking about proposing, I don’t think I ever really thought Cal would say yes, or if he did that it would ever happen.

I just wanted Thom to know I had options, you know?

And then one day we slipped back into bad habits again, and it’s been quite heavy, sneaking around.

Not that I expect a tiny violin to play me the world’s saddest song over it or anything.

My therapist basically thinks I used Cal to make Thom jealous, which isn’t a nice thing to hear about yourself. ’

I drink my beer. Ali has never been so self-aware before. I don’t know what to do with it.

‘That sounds like a lot to navigate,’ I say. ‘But Ali … none of that really has anything to do with me. The business? It’s happening.’

‘I know,’ she says. ‘I’ve been googling it, and the mums at swimming were talking about it last night too.

People are excited, Jessie, and I’m starting to get it.

You’re so good with kids and are wasted as just one kid’s nanny.

I don’t care if you do Stray Kids. We’ll figure it out.

But I guess I’m here to say will you come back to Henry? He needs you. I need you.’

‘Ali …’ I start to say, but I don’t know how I’m going to continue that sentence. I love Henry. Of course I want to stay as his nanny.

‘And about Cal,’ she interrupts. ‘Go for it. You two should explore that. I know I’m self-obsessed or whatever, but I do know you two would make a cute couple.’

‘You know the dancing-by-the-river guy,’ I begin.

She nods at my seeming non sequitur. ‘Yeah,’ she says.

‘That was Cal,’ I say. ‘I didn’t know my Cal was your Vinnie until he showed up at the house. So yeah, I liked Cal, but I never would have let myself feel those things for your boyfriend under normal circumstances. It was a very weird coincidence.’

‘No way,’ Ali says. ‘Seriously?’

‘Seriously. So when I said Whole Foods guy turned out to be a dud … that’s why. Whole Foods guy was Cal.’

‘That’s …’ Ali says, at a loss for words.

‘I know,’ I say. ‘So random.’

‘The randomest.’

‘And also redundant. He asked to make a go of things the night you two ended, when he drove me back to London, and when I said no he tried to sabotage Stray Kids.’

‘No!’ says Ali. ‘How?’

‘He turned out to be the Health and Safety guy, and he failed me.’

Ali shakes her head. ‘This is one too many coincidences, Jessie. Look at my arm.’ She holds it out to me. ‘The hairs are standing on end! God. I thought he was one of the good ones. I absolutely take it back: do not make a go of it with somebody like that. Ewww!’

‘I know,’ I say. ‘I just hope he stays away now. Leaves me to it.’

‘What about Leo? He’s gaga about you. Seemed so at the café, anyway.’

I shrug, but my heart does a weird flip at the thought of Leo and his rakish smile. ‘I’m just going to focus on the business for now. He says he’s into me, but I’ve known Leo socially for a long time – he’s never into anyone for long. We’re better as friends.’

‘And us?’ Ali asks.

‘What, can we be friends?’

‘I know I haven’t been supportive so far, but I also know this is going to be amazing. Will you come back and work for us? I don’t know what we’ll do without you. You’re not just a friend – you’re family.’

Hearing Ali say that doesn’t fill me with joy, or elation, or vindication.

It makes me feel tired. These past few weeks have brought so much drama and tension, and to be honest, most of it has orbited around Ali.

So I think now is the time to cut the cord.

The Jessie who bent to other people’s will has gone now.

There’s a new, stronger Jessie in the driving seat.

‘No, Ali,’ I say. ‘Thank you for asking but …’

‘Are you going to make me beg?’

‘This isn’t a ploy, I promise,’ I push on.

‘I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, and I’ll never forget it.

But I really do want to make Stray Kids work, and I don’t ever want to feel guilty for the passion I have for it.

You were right, in a way, about other employers forbidding extracurricular work.

I guess I thought that rule didn’t apply to me because mine wasn’t a conventional office job or whatever.

But even if you’re not asking me to choose between the two any more, I still think it’s right to focus on Stray Kids.

I haven’t put myself first in a very long time, Ali.

I’m obsessed with building a perfect life in my head, dreaming of what could be, but actually, I just need to stop being so afraid to live an imperfect life.

I know that all sounds very grand. Also … ’ I pause, taking a breath.

‘Go on …’ she prompts.