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seventy-two f

A New World

I considered myself fortunate to have my job at Bella’s. Once again, my boss, Martie, encouraged me to attend cosmetology school and offered to help with tuition.

“I’ve been seriously thinking about it,” I told her several days after my first AA meeting.

“Think fast, Ava. Athena Institute’s next program begins June 16.”

The sixteenth was less than two weeks away. Would I be able to manage work, school, and AA meetings? I thought about the hours I’d spent partying, nursing hangovers, and recovering from painful nights of dancing. Yes, I’ll find the time.

I still had $30,000 from Warren and a small savings account I’d started for Tommy and Lee. If necessary, I could borrow from either of those to pay my bills. Yes, I’d be able to afford school.

Martie was thrilled when I announced I’d quit dancing and would start at Athena. “You won’t regret it.”

Self-doubt still rose to the surface, but I now recognized it for what it was—chatter and nonsense.

I’d avoided Warren since before Memorial Day, unsure what I’d say to him. I knew he’d rejoice at my transformation, but would I disappoint him if I went back to my old ways?

I’d been sober for ten days when Warren called. Picking up the phone, I realized his was the first call I’d answered since June 1.

“Been worried about ya,” Warren said. “Ev’rything okay?”

“More than okay. I have lots to tell you.”

“Wanna meet fer dinner at Mickey’s Tavern?”

I wasn’t ready to set foot in a bar. “Um-m, how about we go someplace else? Maybe Michael’s Ristorante?”

“Sure thing. I’ll bring a bottle o’ wine. They ain’t got a liquor license.”

“No wine. I’ll explain when I see you.”

“Ya look dif’rent somehow,” Warren said, once we sat down. “Dif’rent hairstyle or somethin’?”

Was my sobriety that obvious?

“I’ve been going to AA. I haven’t had a drink since May 31.”

“No kiddin’? Good fer you.” Warren reached across the table and squeezed my hand.

“I quit dancing, too.”

Warren raised his eyebrows, accentuating the lines in his forehead.

“And I’m starting cosmetology school on the sixteenth.”

“Holy smokes, girl! I’m proud o’ you.”

Warren’s words nearly brought me to tears.

“I got a confession,” he said. “I never told ya, but my wife was in AA.”

Warren’s revelation blew me away. “Why wait till now to tell me?”

“Didn’t wanna make ya feel guilty ’bout drinkin’ and dancin’. Anyways, it was a long time ago.”

“She didn’t mind you drinking?” I asked.

“Never brought it home. Only had a beer or two after work. Wasn’t till she passed that I’d have a beer at lunch.”

I knew if I asked, he’d offer more information. But I thought it best to let him decide how much to tell me. He brought the conversation back to me.

“How ya fixed fer funds? Need help payin’ fer school?”

“Martie at the salon is helping. I’ll pay for the rest,” I said.

“No, I’m payin’ the rest.”

I knew Warren thought of me as the daughter he never had, but now I realized he saw his wife in me, too. My sobriety would mean nearly as much to Warren as it did to me.

One day at a time. I turn my will and my life over to God. My new statements gave me hope and confidence.

I wanted to share my sobriety with my children, but then remembered Lee’s last words: I want nothing from you. I hadn’t seen him in a year, but Tommy and I had opened an awkward line of communication. He was about to graduate from Pace University. To my surprise, he invited me to his commencement.

I noticed Tom a few rows ahead of me at Tommy’s ceremony. Whatever had attracted me to him was long gone. All I saw now was an out-of-shape, middle-aged alcoholic. My instinct was to hide in the bushes and make a quick exit after Tommy received his diploma. But I couldn’t do that to my son.

Tom turned to watch Tommy walk down the aisle and spotted me. We made eye contact; he nodded and turned away. After the ceremony, he made his way to me.

“Nice of you to attend.” His voice dripped sarcasm.

“I’ve missed too much of my son’s life. I want that to change.”

“You really think you can waltz back in after all these years?”

“I’m not the same person I was. I—” I didn’t need to explain myself to Tom.

“You’re what? Ready to be a mother now that your boy’s fully grown?”

Despite the years and distance between us, Tom still had the power to hurt me.

Tommy joined us before we could say more. I longed to hug him and never let go. Instead, I plastered a smile on my face and said, “I’m so proud of you, baby.”

I was broken, Tommy , I wanted to say. I had no survival tools. I’m working my way back, one day at a time. Please, let’s start over.

Tom stood like a petulant child. Did he take any responsibility for the mess we’d made of our lives? Would it change anything if he did?

Before I knew what had happened, Tommy took both our hands and looked at us through moist eyes.

“I can’t believe both my parents are here.” He tried to smile but instead clenched his lips together to hold back his tears.

None of us said a word. I squeezed his hand, hoping my love would pass to him.

The moment faded as we exited the auditorium. Neither invited me to join them for whatever festivities they had planned.

“Thanks for coming, Mom,” he said, before we parted.

I wanted to make plans to get together again. Instead, I thanked God for my sobriety and for the blessings I’d received that day.