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sixteen f

Nothing Left to Lose

T hey’re moving the kids out of state. Take Tom to court. You have rights,” Jack said.

I thought back to the words I read in I’m Okay—You’re Okay . Did I really believe a book could make a difference in my life? What a joke. You’re Okay—I’m a Failure would have been a more appropriate title.

“Ava? Where are you?”

Jack’s words brought me back to the present.

“I have no rights,” I said.

“C’mon. Think positive.”

“Sure. I’m the go-go dancing mother who dumps her kids with babysitters every night. I’m the mother who gets high every day. I’m the mother who reversed custody. What do you think a judge would say?”

“Talk to your lawyer. He’ll help you.”

I knew Jack was trying to help. I also knew the score. A court battle would cost thousands of dollars I didn’t have. Better to accept defeat and move on.

The next day, the shock of losing my kids had worn off. Jack was right. I needed to call Michael, my attorney. Maybe he could help get them back to me before Tom left Bridgeport.

“Ava, I’m your friend and I’m on your side, but I’m also your attorney,” Michael began. “We keep rehashing the same scenario. Tom’s sober and has a successful career and a wife. He’s got the money to fight you in court.”

“But I’m their mother!”

“Your children need a stable home environment. If you were to get married again, maybe you’d stand a chance,” Michael said.

“I have a boyfriend—”

“Laura’s told me about your boyfriend.”

I’d forgotten my friend Laura was Michael’s cousin. She and I didn’t see each other often, but she was witness to my downhill slide. No wonder Michael wasn’t more supportive.

I opened my mouth to defend Jack. What was the point? Jack couldn’t hold a job, dealt pot, and stayed perpetually stoned. Being a nice guy would carry little weight in court.

“Thanks anyway, Michael.” I stood to leave.

“Go back to school, get a smaller apartment, look for a different job. Find a good man to support you. Then we can think about reopening your case.”

“Whatever.” I shook his hand and left.

I went home to an empty apartment. What had seemed small and cramped the day before now loomed large. If I moved to a studio, I could save money, but I had eight months left on my lease. Eight months would bring me to the end of the school year. When Tommy and Lee came back for the summer, they’d need a place to sleep, so I’d have to sign a new lease.

I couldn’t afford to go back to school. College hadn’t worked out for me. Maybe I could become a beautician, but when would I study? Dancing was exhausting.

Jack loved my kids but wasn’t a father figure. In all my years of dancing, he was the only decent guy I’d met. How did Michael expect me to find a good man to support me?

I curled into a ball on the sofa. I thought about praying but knew my words would fall on deaf ears.

“I give up,” I said to the silent room. I closed my eyes and surrendered to sleep.

It was dusk when I awoke. Time for work. A few tokes from my hash pipe helped shake off my depression. I needed to stay positive, focus on the future, and take life one day at a time. I chose my favorite black lace costume with the gold fringe, slipped into my five-inch gold stiletto heels, teased and sprayed my hair, and left for work.