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fourteen f

Separation

J ack floated from job to job. I danced in one club, then another. I finally managed to save a few dollars, which I promised myself I’d save for my kids’ college education.

Tommy and Lee spent Easter and spring break with Tom and Elaine. After each visit, Tommy became angrier, Lee wilder. My babysitter complained about their behavior and quit. Jack offered to take over until I found a new sitter. I knew he wasn’t the best influence, but I had no choice.

Tommy’s second-grade teacher called me in for a conference two weeks before summer vacation.

“Mrs. Harrison, we’ve spoken about Tommy’s discipline problems. He’s a bright boy, but he can’t stay focused. I recommend he repeat second grade.”

“He’ll be spending the summer with his father and stepmother. I’ll speak to them and see that he gets into a summer school program.”

“It’s better to address his problems now rather than later. Why don’t you and his father meet with the counselor?”

“We’ll see.” I knew Tom would never agree to a meeting.

I left the school feeling lower than ever. That evening, I called Tom and Elaine. I hated to admit failure, but I had to think of Tommy’s best interest.

“Why don’t you let me speak to his teacher?” Elaine asked.

I’m the mother. Who are you to interfere?

“I know I’m only his stepmother,” Elaine continued, “but one teacher speaking to another might give us more insight into the situation.”

“Okay, thanks.” I decided to trust Elaine.

The school had agreed to a “wait and see” period to determine if Tommy would repeat second grade. I hoped a summer in Bridgeport would be what he needed to move ahead in school.

I called a few days after dropping the kids off with Tom and Elaine.

“They’re doing great,” Elaine said. “Day camp starts in July. They’ll have a chance to make new friends and keep their minds active. It’ll help calm Tommy and get Lee ready for kindergarten. My boys are going, too.”

Elaine seemed to have all the answers.

That night I drowned my depression with alcohol. By the end of my shift, I was too drunk to drive home. Tina gave me a lift.

“Cheer up, hon,” Tina said. “You’ve got legal custody, and you’ll get your kids back in the fall.”

Tina’s words did little to cheer me. I tumbled out of her car and staggered to my front door. My apartment had never felt so empty. I cried myself to sleep.

Elaine called in early August.

“Ava, the summer camp is putting on a musical version of Peter Pan . I thought you might like to come see it.”

“I’d love to.”

She’d never invited me to anything before. Why now?

Elaine told me to arrive at one o’clock for the two o’clock show. I took the night off from work so I’d be able to spend time with my boys afterward. To my surprise, Tommy and Lee weren’t home when I arrived.

“We dropped the kids at camp this morning,” Elaine said. “The play doesn’t start until three. Tom and I wanted to talk to you without them here.”

I took a seat on the chair closest to the door. Tom and Elaine sat on the couch across from me. I had the distinct feeling they were ganging up on me.

Tom began, “Tommy and Lee tell us how much they like it here.”

Despite the air conditioning, I broke out in a cold sweat.

“What’s your point?”

“Since Tommy had so many problems in school last year and with Lee starting kindergarten, we thought it would be a good idea to reverse our custody agreement.” Tom stared at me without blinking.

“Oh no you don’t.” My voice trembled.

“Our grammar school agreed to let Tommy move into third grade. If he stays with you, he’ll have to repeat second. We’re only thinking of their best interest,” Elaine said.

“Their best interest is staying with their mother.” My voice escalated.

“I love them like they’re my own.” It was Elaine’s turn to stare me down.

“ Like your own, not your own,” I replied.

“Tommy says you’re never home. You always dump ’em with a babysitter,” Tom said.

“If you gave me more child support, maybe I wouldn’t have to work so much!”

“And we don’t like what we hear about that boyfriend of yours,” Tom continued.

“And what business is it of yours who I date?”

“Just sayin’.”

“Like you were any kind of good influence,” I said. “Drunk all the time, beating me in front of them. Where the hell do you get off judging me?”

“Maybe I wasn’t the best husband, but I’ve changed. Right, Elaine?”

“Tom told me how he used to be. He’s different since he stopped drinking. He has a good job, comes home every night, and treats me and the kids like gold,” Elaine said.

“How do you expect me to believe you?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t put up with any kind of abuse. Trust me,” Elaine said.

“We wanna give ’em a good home. Elaine’s home every afternoon, and with two incomes we can give ’em what you can’t,” Tom said.

“You’ll never give them a mother’s love. I’m the only one who has that to give.”

“You can have ’em every other holiday and all summer. We’ll even arrange for you to come up and visit during the school year,” Tom promised.

“All we’re asking is that you think about it. Talk to your lawyer,” Elaine said. “We have three weeks until school starts. Camp ends next week. They can spend the rest of the summer with you and come back to us in September.”

“C’mon, we don’t wanna be late for the play,” Tom said. “We’ll take separate cars. It’ll give ya time to think.”

Tom stood. Our discussion was over.

My boys had minor roles in the play. Tommy sang in the chorus, and Lee was part of a group of young kids with no lines. My emotions were a minefield. It was as if I had two voices screaming in my head.

They’re my children. I know what’s best for them.

But I’m stressed and can’t give them what they need.

They need to be with their mother.

Elaine’s good people, and Tom’s changed.

The dialogue continued. I was unable to decide.

w

I met with Michael, my attorney, two days later and explained the situation.

“What’s important is the welfare of your children. You’ve told me how tough it’s been to make ends meet, and how much time you spend away from them,” Michael said.

“If Tom gave me more money, I wouldn’t have to work so much.”

“We’ve been through this. You agreed to two hundred a month in child support. Each time you ask for more, Tom fights you. Without going to court, there’s not much we can do.”

“I can’t afford to go to court,” I replied.

“I know.”

“Children belong with their mother.”

“Provided the mother can provide a stable home,” Michael said.

“You’re telling me I don’t provide that?” My voice shook.

“I didn’t say that. Why don’t you ask your children what they want?”

I decided to take Michael’s advice.

I didn’t say a word to Tommy and Lee the first week they were home. I wanted them to adjust to being with me and stress them out as little as possible. I was scared to death. What if they agreed to spend the school year with Tom?

After a play session in the park, we came home for lunch. It was now or never.

“You know I love you two more than anything,” I began.

“I love you, Mommy,” Lee said.

Tommy’s eyes filled with tears. He said nothing.

“Daddy and Mama Lanie asked if you’d like to live with them during the school year and with me in the summer.” I held my breath waiting for an answer.

“Yes!” Tommy blurted out.

My eyes misted over.

“Lee?”

Lee looked at me, then at his brother. Tommy nodded his head and mouthed yes .

He shrugged his shoulders. “Me too.”

Lee was five years old. He spent most of his waking hours with his brother. Of course, he’d agree with him.

“I want what’s best for you, and I want you to be happy,” I said.

“It’s best for us,” Tommy echoed.

“Come here.” I opened my arms to hug them both. Lee clung to me. Tommy kept his distance.

“I can visit on my days off, and we’ll spend every other holiday together. And we’ll be together all summer.”

I needed time alone, so I sent them to their rooms to play.

Life was a constant struggle, and my nerves were shot. I self-medicated with pot and alcohol every day. If they lived with Tom, I could find a day job, stay sober, and get back on my feet.

I’ll agree to one year of reverse custody. The thought comforted me.

Jack provided the emotional support I needed. He gave me space to spend the final two weeks alone with my kids and made sure he was with me when Tom and Elaine came to pick them up.

Regret piled onto regret as we said goodbye. Tom’s champagne-gold Chevy Monte Carlo pulled away from the curb with my soul in the back seat with my boys. A part of me prayed the kids would change their minds and turn back, but I knew in my heart that would never happen.

I melted into a puddle on the floor. Jack held me close.

“It’s only temporary,” he said. “You’re not alone. You have me.”

We fell asleep on the floor wrapped in each other’s arms. When I woke, the sun was setting. It was time for work.

I stayed straight for my first set. I thought about my mother and her rejection of me. Had I rejected my children? Was there such a thing as generational sin? My grandmother treated me with love, but she’d never shown her own daughter love. She and her husband struggled to survive as immigrants. My mother remained in the background, unloved and unseen. Was my grandmother rejected as a child? How far back did it go? If I could break the chain, I could break the sin. But how? I’d already reversed custody.

I tripped on the dance floor and almost landed in a customer’s lap, a reminder to keep my personal and work lives separate. I downed a shot of tequila as soon as I got back to my dressing room, then met Tina out back for a joint.

“My heart’s with you, hon,” she said. “Nobody said life would be easy. You did the right thing for your babies. Don’t forget that.”

“I made sure my lawyer made Tom promise he wouldn’t turn the children against me. And they’ll only stay with him for this school year. After that, they’re back with me.”

“Right.”

A shiver of a premonition unsettled me. I had a second shot of tequila before my next set.