Page 14

thirteen f

The Holidays

J ack hinted at moving in with me, but I wasn’t ready for that level of commitment. It was one thing to have “Uncle Jack” stay over a few nights a week; it was another to make him a permanent fixture in my children’s lives.

I was also concerned with Jack’s ability to pay his own way. In the four months we’d been together, he’d had three low-paying, low-skill jobs. He had enough for rent at the communal farm and was always well-stocked with pot but rarely had enough money for nice restaurants or decent clothing. I told myself material wealth wasn’t as important as kind, loving gestures. Jack had plenty of those.

Tommy and Lee loved spending time with Jack. He indulged them and hugged them more in one night than Tom did in all the years we were together.

Jack was perpetually stoned and encouraged me to join him. More and more I found myself unwinding with him after a strenuous night of dancing and in the afternoons before the kids came home from school. I’d built up a tolerance for pot and found I could still function well as a mom and a dancer. Pot also lessened my need for alcohol. Some nights I even skipped my vodka and orange juice.

With less stress and anxiety in my life, I felt I could be a better mother. I hoped my kids noticed the change in me.

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Jack was like a kid when it came to Halloween. For the first time, we decorated the apartment with witches, goblins, and pumpkins. I had my costume designer create a black satin outfit with orange sequins. Black fishnets and a witch’s hat completed my ensemble. I modeled the outfit for the kids before I left for work. I heard Tommy’s voice on the phone as I exited the bathroom.

“I miss you, Dad.”

A lump rose in my throat.

“Yeah, Mrs. Ritchie stays here sometimes. Sometimes Uncle Jack. Ooh, yeah, I’ll ask Mom.” Tommy called to me. “Mom, Dad’s on the phone.”

This couldn’t be good.

“How ya doin’, Ava?” Tom asked.

“Fine, Tom. How are you?”

“Me and Elaine wondered if the kids could come up for Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

“That’s not part of our arrangement,” I said.

I heard shuffling on the other end of the phone. Elaine had replaced Tom.

“Hi, Ava. I know it’s not part of our agreement, but Tommy and Lee said they’d like to come up for the holidays.”

“They never said anything to me.”

“Every time we call, they say how much they want to come back here,” Elaine said.

It took me a few seconds to catch my breath.

“Every time you call?”

“You’re usually sleeping or at work,” Elaine said.

I mutely held the receiver.

“Ava?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“It would mean a lot to us. Think about it, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” I had to steady my hand as I hung up.

I wanted to rip the orange and black crepe paper from the windows and strangle myself. It was all a lie, a delusion.

“Tommy! Lee!” I called.

Who knew four little feet could make so much noise?

Lee sat on my lap. Tommy stayed on the other side of the room, a faint scowl on his face.

“Why didn’t you tell me Daddy’s been calling?”

“You don’t like him. Why would you care?” Tommy said.

“I want to know everything about you two,” I said.

Lee smiled and hugged me. Tommy folded his arms across his chest.

“You’re never home. You don’t love us,” Tommy said.

“That’s not true. You know Mommy has to work.”

“You hardly ever called last summer,” Tommy said.

“I called every week. Daddy and Mama Lanie said not to call more than that.”

“You’re a liar.”

Tom’s the liar, not me .

I knew better than to badmouth Tom. We sat in silence for a moment.

“Is it true you want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them?” I asked.

“Yes!”

“You don’t have to yell, Tommy. Lee, what about you?”

Lee shrugged his shoulders and hugged me tighter. Tommy glared at him.

“Will Santa find us at Daddy’s?” he asked.

“Of course,” I said.

“Okay, maybe yes,” he whispered.

It would break my heart to lose my babies for Christmas. Reluctantly, I agreed.

The Halloween magic was gone. My dancing costume lost its sparkle. I grabbed a joint from Jack’s stash and left for work. That was the first time I smoked while driving. I felt no pain by the time I arrived at Gentleman’s Delight. It would only be two holidays without my kids. I’d survive.

Jack invited me to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with his mother and sister, Betty. I didn’t tell them it had been nine years since I’d spent the holidays with a real family. I enjoyed the easy conversation, the jokes, the loving looks that passed between siblings, and how they immediately accepted me. I was afraid once his mother learned what I did for a living, she’d change her mind. But for now, it was all good.

After Christmas dinner, I found myself alone in the kitchen with Jack’s mother.

“Jack told me what a tough time you’ve been having trying to support your children,” she said. “You seem like a nice girl—not what I expected when I learned you were a go-go dancer.”

I shuffled my feet, not knowing how to respond.

“It takes a lot of courage to do what you do,” she continued. “I wish some of your ambition would rub off on my son. He’s a smart man, and I love him to death, but he’s so darn lazy.”

Compliments rarely came my way. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. I’m the one who should thank you. You’re good people.”

Why couldn’t I have been blessed with a mother like Mrs. Novak?