Page 16

Story: Lookin’ for Love

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Moving On

M y days off were usually midweek, which made visiting a challenge. I took an occasional Saturday or Sunday off, but each time my income suffered. Tom and Elaine also gave me the distinct impression my visits weren’t appreciated.

“Y’know, Ava, I never butted into your life when the kids were with you,” Tom said at the end of one of my visits.

Elaine presented a more sympathetic point of view. “I know you miss them, and I don’t blame you. But after you leave, it takes a few days for them to calm down. It’s a pattern I see in my classroom. Weekend visits confuse children and send a mixed message.”

I knew how rowdy my kids were after spending time with Tom and Elaine. It had to be their influence, not mine, causing the problem.

“How ’bout we stick to every other holiday and summers like we agreed?” Tom said.

“You also promised not to turn them against me.” I suspected Tommy was lurking somewhere nearby, so I kept my voice level and low.

“I’m not,” Tom replied. “I’m tryin’ to stick to our legal agreement.”

I knew I’d lost the argument.

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What I didn’t know was that I had lost child support. When I reversed custody, I gave up Tom’s two hundred dollars a month. I also didn’t realize how dependent I’d been on that money. My expenses were lower without two additional mouths to feed, but I still had rent, utilities, and insurance to pay. Instead of saving for the future, I was close to slipping into debt.

“I can’t win,” I said to Jack.

“Move into the farmhouse with me. You’ll save a bundle.”

I couldn’t give up the only home Tommy and Lee had known with me to live in a commune with a bunch of hippies. Instead, I added an extra shift or two to my schedule each week, and an extra drink or two each day.

Tom and Elaine drove the kids down for the holidays we could spend together. After each visit, I sensed a greater distance between us, which I hoped would lessen when they came for the summer.

During the first week of summer vacation, Tommy spent most of the time in his room. At nine years old, he’d morphed into someone I barely recognized. He let me know how much he missed his friends and his larger room at Tom’s.

Lee, now six years old, was still my little boy, but for how long?

I thought a trip to the Jersey Shore would help us bond as a family. The second week they were with me, I packed our bathing suits, beach toys, and a picnic lunch and headed to Asbury Park.

Tommy and Lee buried each other in the sand, splashed in the ocean, and played with other children they met on the beach. I kept one eye on them and one eye on the book I’d borrowed from the library, I’m Okay—You’re Okay , by Thomas Harris. Tina thought the book would help me overcome the poor self-image I’d developed as a child. Harris wrote about how negative thoughts contaminate our adult minds, leaving us vulnerable to inappropriate emotional reactions. He provided a convincing argument about how we can change who we are and live happier, more fulfilling lives.

Maybe I could focus on the positive parts of my life and become a new person—one who could stand up for myself and my children.

I can change. I can get my life back on track. Nothing will stand in my way.

For the month of July, I enrolled the boys in day camp, which gave them an opportunity to make friends. It was an extravagance I could barely afford. Day by day, they adjusted to life with me. By the end of the month, I felt we’d made enough progress so I could bring up the topic of returning to our original custody agreement.

I called Tom. “Would you and Elaine be able to come for a visit?”

“Funny you should call. Me ’n Elaine were gonna call you about gettin’ together,” Tom said.

Something was wrong. I asked Jack to be there with me for support.

Tom strode into my apartment dressed in white polyester slacks and a red, short-sleeved dress shirt. His six-foot-two frame overtook every inch of my living room. Elaine, dressed in a pink, sleeveless, shirt-waist dress, stood at his side. I invited them to sit. Jack, wearing faded jeans and a tie-dyed Grateful Dead T-shirt, joined us.

“No point beatin’ around the bush. The company made me East Coast sales manager,” Tom began.

“It’s a huge promotion. I’m so proud of him,” Elaine said, squeezing Tom’s arm.

“They’re sendin’ me to Charlotte, North Carolina.” Tom waited for my reaction.

“So you want the kids to stay with me for the school year?” I asked.

“Hell, no. We’re keepin’ things as they are. Me ’n Elaine are here to pack their stuff.”

“You’re doing no such thing!”

“The company found a gorgeous house for us,” Elaine said. “With Tom’s raise, I won’t need to work and can be home for them every afternoon. I’m from the Charlotte area. My folks are thrilled now that they’ll have two step-babies to love in addition to my boys.”

Jack held my hand, which did little to comfort me.

“I have them until Labor Day. You can’t do this!”

“Charlotte schools open next week. They’ll need a few days to get settled. We’re only thinkin’ of them and what’s best for the family,” Tom said.

“I am thinking of them. They’re my family. You have no right!”

“I have every right. You signed them over to me.” Tom’s voice rose, reminding me of his alcoholic years.

“We reversed custody for one year only! ”

“It’s all in your head. Show me where it says that.” Tom stood, indicating our discussion was over.

“Ava, please understand.” Elaine’s soft Southern accent taunted me.

“I’m gonna start packin’,” Tom said. “Elaine, help me with the boxes.”

The two of them went outside to get the boxes. I saw a small UHaul trailer attached to Tom’s car.

I sat on the couch and watched as they carried box after box to the car. I thought of the trauma and sadness I’d lived through in the ten years since I’d married Tom. None of it compared to the desolation and heartache I felt at this moment. I’d failed as a mother, a wife, and a human being.

Most everything was packed by the time Tommy and Lee came home from camp.

“Daddy! Mama Lanie!” Tommy ran to them. “What’s happening?”

Tom explained the move to Charlotte.

Tommy’s eyes locked with mine. “Mom?”

“I’m sorry, baby.” I knew better than to bad-mouth Tom in front of him.

Lee ran to me. “Are you coming, too?”

“I can’t. But I promise I’ll visit every chance I get.”

Lee curled into my lap. I glared at Tom and Elaine.

You’re destroying my children. You’re destroying me. I hope you rot in hell.

“C’mon, guys. Time to go. Don’t wanna hit traffic on the George Washington Bridge,” Tom said. “Say goodbye.”

By now Tommy, Lee, and I were sobbing. Even Elaine’s eyes were glazed. Tom held the door as Elaine gently guided my children outside.

Tommy’s little hand waved to me.

Lee cried, “Mommy! No!”

My tears blurred the hard edges of Tom’s car as they drove away. A surrealistic landscape was all that remained once they turned the corner. A howl of sorrow burst from my innermost being. Jack held me close and walked me inside.