Page 10 of Living for Truth (Broken Shelves #2)

Hannah

S omehow, I made it home safely even though my mind was not on the road in front of me. It was on the information I learned at brunch, and now my brain won’t stop going over it all.

Morgan is a man. Not just any man, but the hot man from the flower shop. That he owns. He has a daughter. He’s ten years older than me. He’s charming, understanding, funny, and very patient with my indecisive, blunt self.

And what did I do? I friend-zoned him.

Why would I do that? He was very clearly interested in me romantically for some reason I don’t understand, so why didn’t I just jump in?

Oh, I remember.

My ex-husband did a number on my self-esteem and gave me hella trust issues.

I was so embarrassed when Morgan asked how old I was when I got married. Looking back now, it was really weird for Liam to be so interested in an eighteen- year-old as a twenty-two-year-old. We dated for all of two months before he proposed, and two months after that we were married.

Because of the church’s strict dating rules, Liam was my first real boyfriend.

I wasn’t allowed to date anyone exclusively until I turned eighteen.

I didn’t have a lot of prior experience with boys or dating, so when I was approached by a handsome returned missionary, I didn’t know better.

All I knew was that I was supposed to get married.

We got married and moved into BYU married housing so I could get my Masters of Library Science and he could get his MBA.

He would make comments about how if I got pregnant, I’d probably have to quit school to be a stay-at-home mom, and I was okay with that.

So when I got pregnant four months after our wedding, I was prepared to finish the semester, give birth, then stay home with the baby while he worked and went to school.

Except I miscarried at ten weeks. The doctors didn’t have a reason for me other than, “Sometimes these things happened.” I was devastated. I told Liam I didn’t want to try again for at least six months, and he agreed.

Fast forward seven years and six miscarriages later.

I was on multiple medications for depression, anxiety, and hormonal imbalances, which—coupled with the stress from the miscarriages—made me gain a lot of weight, and Liam said he no longer found me attractive.

I was never a skinny girl, but my curves were more accepted before I got pregnant.

He wanted me to look like the eighteen-year-old I was when we met.

He wanted someone who could carry his biological children and have them “naturally.” He shot down my ideas of IVF and adoption whenever I brought them up.

I didn’t think my body—or mind, for that matter—could handle another miscarriage.

He blamed me for each one. He told me it was my fault because I didn’t “have enough faith,” and I was “selfish” for wanting a degree instead of a family.

Then, he changed his tune when asking for a divorce. He said he didn’t want kids at all anymore, and since I did, our marriage wasn’t compatible.

I heard he’s dating someone seriously now, but I don’t know for sure since he blocked me on all social media.

Not that I want to look. As much as I probably should for how shitty he treated me, I don’t hate him.

I mourned the loss of my first love and then realized during the last three years of our marriage, I was with a stranger.

We had sex maybe twice a month, always quick and with the lights off, and we never went on dates.

He was always working late or going to the golf course with his buddies if the weather was good.

It’s possible he could have been cheating on me, but it doesn’t matter now, does it? He left me, and now I’m all alone picking up the shattered pieces of my heart.

So yes, it’s hard for me to trust Morgan has good intentions. He might like the idea of me now, but is it because I’m younger than him and easy prey?

The logical part of my brain knows he’s not that kind of guy. He didn’t even know my age until brunch, and he didn’t know I was a hot mess until today either.

As I unlock the door, my phone pings, and my stomach flutters a little when Morgan’s name pops up.

Morgan: I hope you made it home safely. I had a REALLY great time today, even if there was a little miscommunication to begin with lol. Anyway, let me know next time you need some space from your house, and we can plan something! I want to hang out again soon.

I can’t be having flutters for a man I barely know! I can’t be thinking about making an excuse to see him soon because I enjoy his company and his conversation. Not to mention, he’s a damn God among men with his looks.

Comparing him to Liam is wrong, I know, but it’s like comparing an apple to a steak. Liam was attractive in a boyish, clean-cut Mormon way. Morgan is attractive in a more rugged, mature way that makes me want to drool.

Hannah: I had a REALLY great time, too, once the shock wore off lol. I’m always looking for reasons to not be here.

I wanted to say, “I’m free every night this week, so let’s hang out!” But he has a daughter who is clearly his priority.

Which is another really attractive thing about him.

You’d think I’d be turned off by the fact he has a nine-year-old, but if anything, it makes me more attracted to him.

The way he talked about Alyssa made it clear she is his world, and she will always come first. I have a lot of questions about his situation but none feel appropriate to ask right now.

It’s barely two o’clock, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Usually, I’d just be getting home from church and helping my mom with dinner, playing board games with Jake, or reading. Those were the only acceptable activities we could do on “the Lord’s day.”

Jake’s on a weekend trip with his friends, so for the first time in a very, very long time, I have the house to myself.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

As I’m changing into a pair of joggers and an oversized t-shirt, my phone pings again.

Morgan: It sounds like we should have extended our brunch, then! Any plans for the rest of the day?

Hannah: I think I’m going to read? Or maybe catch up on that new reality show where people sit in the cubes and determine whether or not they want to date someone without seeing them.

Morgan: Oooh, that’s a good show. Do you think you could ever do something like that?

I think about it for a second before I reply.

Hannah: Honestly? Probably not. Not because I don’t think I could date someone without seeing them, but I’d be worried about them not liking what they see for me. I can’t exactly be like “Hey, I’m fat, btw.” Because that defeats the whole purpose. What about you?

Morgan: I would 100% be able to fall in love without seeing what someone looks like.

Morgan: I think anyone would fall in love with your personality, and your beauty would just be a bonus for them.

Even though he can’t see me, my cheeks heat to one-thousand degrees at his compliment. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact he finds me attractive.

It’s taken me a while to accept my body and the way it’s changed the last few years, and while I don’t always love my body, I don’t hate it. I can appreciate it’s gone through a lot.

Hannah: Thank you, Morgan. That’s very sweet of you to say.

Morgan: You’re welcome, Hannah. I wasn’t trying to be sweet, I was just being honest. I have to go get Aly from my parents, so I’ll talk to you later. :) Have a good rest of your day!

Hannah: You too.

I lock my phone and flop back onto the couch. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about him, but something tells me he’s not going to lay off the charm with me.

I just hope my heart won’t suffer.