Page 51 of Lights, Camera, Love

Dear Jace,

I wanted to say all this in person rather than in a letter, but since you told me you don’t want me to visit you again, which I completely respect, I am going to try putting pen to paper instead.

I know you probably don’t want any contact with me, but all I ask is that you please read this one letter—or at least look at the photo I’ve enclosed.

If I don’t hear back from you, I promise I won’t bother you again.

Excuse the dumb mug belonging to your less attractive brother; what I want you to focus on in the photo is the leather strap around his (my) wrist. Do you recognise it?

You made it for me when you were younger and sent it to me in the mail.

So many years have passed since then, and I’ve worn this strap every single day.

That’s why it looks like it’s seen better days.

The only time I took it off was when I visited you because I wasn’t allowed to wear any jewellery inside.

Jace, I can’t put into words how sorry I am that we didn’t grow up in the same house and family the way we should have.

I’m sorry that you were robbed of not only two loving parents but also a brother.

It’s entirely my fault that we didn’t stay close growing up, and my fault that you’d rather hurt me than talk to me right now.

I’m not expecting you to forgive me for all the years that we’ve lost. I was too young and scared and damaged back then to make better, less selfish decisions, and I’ll always regret that.

But I do want you to know that I miss you, even though I know that doesn’t really make sense when I haven’t been able to get to know you.

It’s obvious that you’ve had a difficult start to life, and while I’m not trying to make that about me, I do consider myself partially responsible because I wasn’t there to offer you the love and support you deserved.

Of course, we don’t get to go back in time, but if we could, my only wish would be to spend every day of my childhood with you.

To share a bedroom, build forts, fight over TV remotes, laugh over stupid shit, race our bikes …

just make happy memories. My wish would be to be the brother to you that I should have been.

Right now, I’m on my way to Melbourne because I’ve taken a job there (one in the foster care system, strangely enough).

But if you ever feel like you want to see me, please write to me or call me on the number at the bottom of this letter.

I promise you that I will drop everything to come and see you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Kye