Page 47 of Lights, Camera, Love

Some people say you should never meet your heroes. I say you should never watch your teenage hero choking the chicken in front of a mirror while gasping out things like, ‘Oh yeah, you want this hot meat, don’t you, baby?’ and ‘You like a big banana, don’t you? Don’t you? Ooh, yeah.’

My stomach roils. I slide my phone across the table of the sushi restaurant as if Austin might burst out of it, his sweaty bits still gripped in his hand.

Guilt gnaws at me when I think about having watched that video all the way through. Austin would probably fall into a coma from embarrassment, but once I pressed play, the short clip was so shocking that I couldn’t look away, and before I knew it, he’d already … gulp.

Is it possible to undergo enough hypnosis to delete a memory entirely?

I pick up my phone again, checking that Kye hasn’t sent a message in the thirty seconds since I last looked.

Why haven’t I heard from him all day? Could he still be at the jail with his brother? He was so unsure about going. Unease flickers through me—I hope it went okay.

Rafael clasps my shoulder from behind, making me jerk with fright. He apologises for that, and for being late.

‘It’s okay, lovely,’ I say, rising to kiss his cheek.

‘I was on the phone to Austin,’ he explains as he shrugs off his billowing black cloak, which looks like something Count Dracula would wear. A super-hot Dracula, that is.

‘ Austin? ’

He drops into the chair opposite me. ‘I wanted to call him after that video went up. To make sure he knows it’s a fucking crime in this country to post that sort of shit online. Remember that ex from dance college who threatened to leak all my nudes?’

My mouth tilts down. ‘Yeah.’

‘Obviously, I don’t know Austin that well, but I wanted to tell him that he’s got my support.’ Rafa reaches for the old wine bottle that’s filled with water and pours us two glasses. ‘Who’s the bitch who posted it, anyway?’

Another serving of guilt leaches into me over having played the video, but I guess Rafa did, too, or he wouldn’t know what was in it.

‘It was his ex-wife,’ I say. I could tell it was her by her username, Nadia-Reynolds-something-or-other. ‘Apparently, she’s been having a hard time with their divorce, and I don’t know, maybe this was a very screwed-up way to get his attention.’

Rafael chokes on his water. ‘Austin was married?’

‘Yeah. They split up a couple of years ago.’

Billie Eilish serenades us from the wooden table, and I snatch up my phone. My heart does a little jump. ‘It’s Kye.’

‘Answer it,’ Rafa encourages. ‘I’ll see if they still have that pinot grigio you loved last time.’

‘Okay, thanks. I won’t be long.’ I turn away from him and answer the call. ‘Hello?’

‘Hi.’

Kye’s rich, warm voice trickles into my ear. If he was here, I’d be clinging onto him like a koala. ‘I tried calling you earlier,’ I say.

‘I know, I’m sorry. I was at the cop station for most of the day with Austin. They kept pushing us further down the priority line.’

‘Why were you at the cop station?’

‘Nadia, Austin’s ex, who’s been harassing him for ages, posted a … uh … a compromising video of him.’

‘I know.’ I wince. ‘I might’ve watched it.’ My gaze darts to Rafael, but he’s poring over the wine menu.

‘Shit, really?’ Kye says.

‘I’m so sorry—it was just so hard to look away.’ He turns silent, so I quickly add, ‘Not in that way. I mean, it was bad. It was really, really bad.’

‘I know. I’ve never watched it; hearing the details was enough. But at least it’s been dealt with. All the posts should be coming down now. Austin seems to be coping all right, thank god, and Nadia’s been arrested.’

My palm covers my mouth. ‘Wow—seriously?’

‘Yeah. Tomorrow, she’ll be charged with revenge porn offences and harassment.

I honestly hope she gets let out quickly and that her lawyer argues she needs treatment for her mental health.

Austin doesn’t want her locked up either; he just wants her to be banned from contacting him because this shit has really gotten out of hand now. ’

‘I’m sure that’ll happen. At the very least.’

Rafael’s now gawking at me, so I cover the phone and quickly fill him in. A relieved breath slides out of his mouth.

‘I’ll let you go,’ Kye says, his tone heavy with fatigue. ‘I can hear that you’re out.’

‘Oh. Okay, then.’

We end the call with a promise to talk later, but no time—or even whether that means today—is specified. I didn’t even get a chance to ask him how the visit with his brother went.

As soon as I get back to my apartment, my stomach happily crammed with salmon sashimi, pork gyoza and soft-shell crab, I text Kye, but he doesn’t reply.

I know it’s late, and he sounded so exhausted on the phone—he’s probably fallen asleep. Still, the same bleak feeling that washed over me before I fell asleep with him the other night makes a sharp comeback.

The voice in my head is faint, but it’s there.

You let him into your heart.

And now, he’s going to hurt you.

‘There’s a man at the door to see you, Evie. Evie! ’

I roll onto my back, rubbing my groggy eyes with my knuckles until the water stain decorating my bedroom ceiling comes into focus. ‘What time is it?’

‘Almost eleven,’ Mum says.

‘ What? ’

She arches a brow at me from the doorway. ‘I came in and checked you were still breathing a little while ago. Anyway, did you hear what I just said? There’s a man for you at the door. A very good-looking one.’

I sit up on my elbows. Holy shit, Kye is here ?

‘It’s the actor you were dating,’ she explains, her tone reinforcing her disdain for leading men as she aggressively swipes an emery board back and forth over her thumbnail.

‘Oh, you mean Austin.’ My shoulders sink a little.

‘That’s it—Austin. I knew it was the name of an American city. I think I called him Phoenix.’

‘You did, but it’s all right, darlin’,’ croaks a raspy voice. My eyes jerk to the tall guy in a fedora hat who’s appeared behind Mum in the hallway.

OMG, he’s just the type to walk straight in rather than wait. Embarrassment prickles my cheeks at being sprung in bed this late—at him seeing me in bed at all.

‘Austin,’ I say, swallowing the morning frog in my throat. ‘Sorry, I’m … I’m still catching up on sleep after all those long days on set.’

‘It’s all good, honey. I’ll wait for you out here.’ He wanders back in the direction of the living room, and Mum shoots me a playful eyeroll—she’s going to have to entertain him while I get dressed.

I throw on a white hoodie and a pair of grey sweatpants, brush my teeth and hair, and pad into the living room.

Austin sits perched on one of the kitchen stools, nursing a cup of tea.

Mum is leaning towards him from the opposite side of the counter, her face glowing with the smile that got her cast in Sandy Street .

I guess entertaining Austin Reynolds isn’t such a hardship after all.

What the heck is he even doing here?

‘Sorry that I haven’t gotten in touch until now,’ he mumbles when I slide onto the stool beside his. ‘I’ve been laying low.’

‘That’s okay.’ I school my features to stay neutral. Austin doesn’t need to know that I watched the video of him humping his own fist yesterday. His clenched orgasm face pops into my vision, and I shove it back out.

I toss Mum a look that says something like, ‘Privacy, please?’ She mutters something about a dress she needs to order and disappears into the spare bedroom.

Austin blinks down at his tea for a long moment, then looks back at me. ‘Can I ask you a question, Evie?’

‘Sure.’

He pauses, and all the blood drains from his face. ‘Are you and Kye together?’

I inhale a sharp breath. Honestly. I’m so tired of feeling caught in the middle of these two guys. So, this is why he turned up at my apartment unannounced?

‘Apart from work and stuff like that, he’s not really talking to me,’ Austin goes on, ‘and I … I need to know. Are you two …’ His voice trails off.

‘Austin,’ I begin with a weighty sigh, ‘I think you and I need to have a talk.’

His face tenses with an expression I can’t figure out the meaning of, so I keep going.

‘I think you’re an amazing guy,’ I offer gently. ‘And I’d really like to have you as a friend.’ I pause so he can let that last word sink in.

A small smile shadows his lips. ‘I’d love to have you as a friend, too. You’re an awesome bird.’

After I’ve gotten over that last word, I carefully ask, ‘So then … why do you seem so funny about me and Kye being together? Why does it make you so upset? Unless it’s because you see me as more than a friend—’

‘I don’t.’ He laces his fingers behind his head, his chest expanding with a tightly held breath. ‘That’s not it.’

Austin’s tortured voice, his restless body language, the complete change in his demeanour whenever Kye’s name comes up … out of nowhere, it slots into place like a puzzle piece I didn’t know was missing.

‘It’s not me you want,’ I realise in a breath. ‘You don’t want me, you want … Kye .’

‘No, I—I’m … I don’t know.’ He bows his head, but the anguish smothering his voice tells a different story to the answer he just gave me. It’s clear what— who —he wants.

I don’t push him to say any more. He doesn’t have to tell me anything he’s not comfortable with. But he looks so torn up right now, and I can only guess that he turned up here today because he thought I might be able to help with whatever he’s going through.

‘Austin, I don’t know what to say here,’ I admit helplessly.

He grips his brow, his fingers quivering against his blond curls. ‘You don’t have to say anything, darlin’. I’m just … I don’t know; he’s got my head all messed up.’

‘Yours, too?’ I half-joke, smiling softly. I’m trying to lighten the atmosphere, but I feel as if I’m driving in the dark without a map.

His gaze tilts to mine. ‘How fuckin’ infuriating is that man.’

I smile. ‘He’s definitely a one-of-a-kind.

You know, I’ve noticed that after he puts on his shoes for my lessons, he won’t set foot onto the studio floor unless his shoelaces are of equal length.

He’ll go back out into the hallway and try again if they’re not.

’ I’m bringing up random stuff now to keep the mood buoyed.

A chuckle tumbles off Austin’s lips. ‘Oh yeah. He’s been doing that one for years. I was late seeing the new Star Wars movie with him once because of his damn shoelaces.’

I laugh. ‘When we were filming at the farm, I noticed him heating up his boiled eggs in a glass of hot water before he peeled and ate them. Who does that?’

His lips split into a smile as he stares ahead, imagining it. ‘He’s frustratingly adorable, isn’t he?’

My smile grows. ‘The worst.’

Austin’s cheeks darken as he glances at me, his eyes soft at the edges. ‘That smile.’

I suck in a huge breath. ‘I know. It’s deadly.’

He clutches his jaw, his words coming out clipped.

‘Evie, I … I want you to know that I … I never thought about Kye like that when we were younger. Not even once. This all started around the time I split up with Nadia.’ He cuts me another sidelong glance, an uncertain look in his eyes. ‘Did he tell you about that?’

I nod. ‘Yeah. All of it, I think.’

He blinks down, taking a moment to continue.

‘I was devastated when I found out that they’d hooked up.

Like, wanted-to-jump-off-a-bridge kind of devastated.

’ He tips his tormented gaze to the ceiling.

‘But no matter how much I tried to deny what was really bothering me, I just couldn’t get away from it.

’ His throat closes over the words. ‘I wasn’t …

I wasn’t jealous of Kye being with Nadia.

I was crazy jealous of Nadia being with Kye . ’

His breath stutters from his lungs, and I fall silent, lost as to what to say.

Austin rubs his hand back and forth over his brow.

‘Nothing … no one can really hurt me except for him,’ he says.

‘And I don’t want any of this to ruin my friendship with him, and I know he doesn’t swing that way, but seeing Kye with you—’ His voice breaks open, and a tear runs down his cheek, which he brushes away.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he chokes out. ‘I’m so sorry I’m such a selfish asshole who can’t just be happy for you guys. ’

‘Austin,’ I cut in, my brows drawn together, ‘please don’t say that. This is a really, really confusing and difficult situation.’

A horrible, helpless feeling begins to invade my stomach, and I have to turn away so that Austin doesn’t see the thoughts crumpling my face. What if Kye feels the same way as Austin? What if he does swing that way? What if that’s why they’ve always been so close?

I think back to all the times Kye straightened Austin’s jacket or fiddled with his hat …

guided him through his dance steps with careful attention …

went above and beyond to support his career.

Then there were the moments Kye let Austin order for him off a menu, or when Kye told me he loves travelling the world with Austin.

Are any of these— all of these—signs of being in love with someone?

My fingertips shake as I press them to the corners of my eyes. I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of anyone’s happiness, but if I lost Kye to Austin right now, I think I’d crumble, never to be put back together the same way again.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the course of my life, though, it’s that it’s better to know the truth—however painful it might be—than to let your deepest fears fill in the blanks for you.

It wasn’t easy finding out that my mum made it difficult for my father to see me when I was born, and that it wasn’t entirely his fault we don’t have a relationship, but at least I’m no longer living in the dark.

Knowing the truth gives me the option to do what I want with it—something I feel like I’ve been robbed of until now.

I need to know where I stand with Kye, and so does Austin. There’s only one way to find out, and it has to be the best thing for everyone involved. It’s the only path out of this.

I lay my palm over Austin’s knee. ‘I think you should tell him the truth,’ I say gently. ‘Tell him how you really feel. Kye deserves that, and so do you.’

Austin covers my hand with his. ‘I’m so afraid of what he’s going to say, Evie,’ he whispers, fear burning in his eyes.

My fingers curl around his, squeezing tightly.

You and me both.