Page 59 of Lash

"No. No." I straddle him and crush my body against him, take his face in my hands and force him to look at me. "Nico. It'sokay. You can trust me with this, too.”

"I am unmanned, Lovely One." His voice is so ragged it hurts my heart to hear, shredded as if he swallowed razor blades.

"No, my darling." I don't know where the term of endearment came from—I am not one to use such terms. "You are a man, and men feel things. Men have emotions—strong ones. Feeling them and letting others see them is not weakness. It is not unmanly."

"I do not know why I am…" he shakes his head, unable to even say the word.

"Crying, Nico. You are crying, and it is okay." I turn his face to mine. Kiss his cheeks, and taste salt. "It is okay. Do you really think I would reject you for crying? That I would stop being attracted to you? Do you think me so weak and shallow that a strong man showing emotion after such beautiful vulnerability would turn me off?"

Slowly, he turns his face to mine, wet eyes cracking open as he fights for breath, for calm. "No—no. But, I…" he shakes his head, sighing. "I don't know."

"Talk to me, Nicolae." I sit on his belly and hips, the slimy cold wetness of the condom against my buttock—I barely notice and care even less. "Tell me why you weep."

"Catharsis," he says, using the Croatian word rather than English—I don't think I would have known what the English word meant. "I…it’s also sadness."

I wipe at his cheeks with my palms. Kiss them. Kiss his eyes, softly, delicately. "Tell me," I whisper.

"I…I have clung to Ileana's ghost for so long. Clung to the grief. The anger. Thoughts and dreams and plans for revenge. I vowed I would not cut my hair or beard until Roberto Pugli was dead by my hand. But you…" He sits up on the bed and now I am sitting on his thighs, facing him; he caresses my shoulders, my cheeks, and brushes my damp hair away from my cheeks. "You changed everything. Changed me. Has it even been a week? I don’t know—time has distorted since I woke up in that Zagreb Hangar. I thought I would be lost without revenge to drive me, but I…letting Major Neufeld take the case and bring him to justice according to the courts of law rather than the law of the sword…I feel free."

I swallow hard. "I have said before that I was worried you would feel I was taking something away from you."

"You did. I was holding onto an anchor chain, and the anchor was hurtling to the bottom of the sea, taking me with it. You pried my fingers from it and showed me the surface. Helped me swim upward. And now I can breathe. Now I can see the light." He cups my face in both hands. "Tati, I…" a shake of his head, his eyes watering again. "I have also had to let go of Ileana. Of Leander and Leonora. I have not been living—I have been wandering the earth as a half-ghost, one foot in the grave with them, waiting for the chance to kill Pugli and join them in Heaven."

"Oh, Nico," I whisper, a tear slipping down my cheek.

He catches it with his thumb. "No, Lovely One. Do not weep. They are not gone—they wait for me in Heaven, or wherever and whatever comes after this life. They…" He touches a closed fist to his chest. "They live on with me. I remember them. I love them. But I…my Ileana would want me to live. She was jealous of my love while she was alive. If I spoke to a beautiful woman, shewould be jealous, even though she knew I was loyal to her and in love with her. But you asked me what she would say if she could give me a message from the grave, and I know now what she would say. She would tell me to choose life. To choose love."

I can only shake my head and let tears fall. "I don't want to be selfish, Nico. But I am. I want you to love me."

"I do." He says it simply, with a shrug, clear-eyed and confident. "She would want me to love you. To let you love me. To be happy. To find joy again. To find pleasure." He exhales through pursed lips. "That is part of why I was crying. I felt guilty for a moment because it felt so good—toogood. I have denied myself that connection with other humans since she died. Hugs. Hand holding. Sex. All of it. And then with you, it…we…" he swallows hard, shakes his head. "I let myself have you, let myself feel what I feel for you, and…" he trails off.

"You can tell me anything, Nico. Even if it is hard or uncomfortable."

He nods. "I know. You are strong and brave." He smiles at me, but it fades quickly, becoming an emotional, thoughtful, complicated expression. "I was young when I met Ileana. We were young and passionate. Our relationship was…very physical. I had other lovers or partners before her, but not many, and they weren't very good. With Ileana, it was magical. And I think that when she died, it was a very large factor in why I clung to grief for so long, why I refused to allow myself to even wonder what could be…" he pauses, sighs, and continues. "Was fear. Fear that…"

He can't seem to finish.

"That no one and nothing would ever compare to what you had with her," I finish, guessing at the rest.

He nods. "Precisely. How could it? How could anyone understand me the way she did? How could I ever feel such magical ecstasy with anyone else? How could I ever love anyoneelse? It seemed impossible, and futile to even wonder, to even try. It seemed too painful to even consider. I refused to entertain the possibility."

"But?" I prompted.

"But then you came along. You opened my eyes to possibilities. The ghosts of my past do not threaten you. I can show you my grief and it does not turn you off or overwhelm you. You softened my heart and breathed life into me. And now…" he rests his hands on my thighs, and then cups my bottom, and his eyes rake over my breasts on their way to piercing me, searing me. “You have shown me that I can feel that magic again. I wept because it was such a relief. I also wept with guilt, because it was…the pleasure I felt with you was as great as I remember. You are you, not her, and it is different with you in ways I cannot put into words. I just…I felt guilty for feeling such pleasure. It felt like a betrayal, almost. That I could move on. That I could find love. That I could feel such incredible pleasure with someone else."

"That is understandable," I say. "You are allowed to feel anything you feel, Nicolae, and I just…I suppose I hope you will share those feelings with me, whatever they are—good, bad, scary, exciting, complicated…everything."

He cups my breasts and lets them fall. Thumbs my nipples until they ache and I gasp. "I will, Tatiana. I will share myself with you."

I sigh, eyes closing at the pleasure of his touch. "Oh, Nico. Nico." I open my eyes and look deep into his. "Is it crazy? That I could love you already?"

He shakes his head. "I will not always talk about her this much, but…when I met Ileana, I knew I would love her. And I did. I knew I was in love with her within a few days of meeting her. I waited to say so for an embarrassingly long time because I did not know if she felt the same way. I told you, she took a whileto come around to accepting me, and even longer to accept her feelings for me. But I knew." He touches my mouth, tracing the bow of my lips. "I only say this so you know that I believe youcanlove someone right away. The heart is a mystery, Tatiana. But that is my experience."

I close my eyes, sighing as he caresses my breasts, thighs, buttocks, face, arms—everywhere. "I want you again, already, Nico."

His lips touch my chin. My mouth—I tilt my face to turn the touch into a kiss. "Aren't you tired?" he murmurs.

"Bone-tired. But I won't be able to sleep until I am sated."