Page 30 of Lash

She doesn't answer right away. "The train," she murmurs. "I'm thinking about the train."

"It is on my mind, as well," I say. "Youare on my mind."

She looks at me. "I don't like how it ended. You walking away."

"I had to."

She shakes her head. "You didn't have to. You could have let me touch you."

"I wouldn't ask such a thing of you in such a public setting," I say.

She snorts. “Butyou'llmakemecome? How is that better?"

I frown at her. "Are you upset with me?"

"A little." She sighs. "I started it. I know that. You woke up to me…" she flushes scarlet, ducks her head. "Acting like a…"

"Like a woman with desires," I finish for her. “There’s no shame in it. If there is a better way to wake up, I cannot think of it."

She smirks at me. "I can think of a few ways of waking you up that you might enjoy a bit more."

My breath catches at the implication. "Tatiana, I…" I shake my head. "I guess I do not understand what you are upset about."

"You made me come," she says, switching from English to Croatian—for privacy, I suppose, since we are the only ones whospeak it out of the five of us. "And then you walked away. You said you wouldn't share the sounds of my pleasure. I know I wasn't quiet, but I heard them, too.” She tilts her head toward Sol and Scarlett, behind us. “So I know they heard us. I heard Solomon…enjoying himself. But you would not let me give you pleasure.”

"I am a man," I say. "My release is…messier…than yours."

"Should that not be my choice? Should I not be able to decide if I want to deal with that, and how? My desires do not begin and end with my orgasm, Lash. I desire you. I want to enjoy your body as much as you do mine, but you took what you wanted and then walked away without giving me a choice in the matter.”

I frown. "I hadn't thought of it like that."

"I know. You thought you were being…" she shrugs. "I don't know. Noble? But that's not what I want. You physically prevented me from touching you."

"I should never have let things escalate to that point in the first place.”

She groans in irritation. "Youstilldo not understand, then.Iescalated things, not you. If that situation made you uncomfortable, blame me for starting it, not yourself for not stopping it. I have never done anything like that, Lash. I am not…like that. I am private. Because of who my father is, I am a pretty public figure in Zagreb. I keep my personal life, my sex life, private. But with you…I didn't care. I knew what I was doing, and I chose not to stop myself. Perhaps I couldn't have. I don't know. I felt desperate. And it's still there, that desperation." She looks at me. "It wasn't sated. If anything, it is only worse."

"I was protecting you."

She nods. "I know. But Lash, I want to be protected fromotherpeople, not from you."

I walk beside her in silence for a while, thinking, processing. "I understand what you're saying, Tatiana. I will not apologize, because I was doing what I felt was right. But I do hear you, and I understand you." I look at her. "I am confused by all this, Tatiana. By you…and by my feelings for you."

"What is confusing?" she asks.

I shake my head, snorting. "Everything. That I feel anything at all. That part of me has been…dead, I suppose…for a very long time. I never thought it would or could be resurrected. And with you, no less."

"Why me? What is it about me?" she asks.

"Everything. Who you are. Who your father is."

"And?" she presses.

I sigh, running my fingers down through my beard—I badly need a shower, but in such circumstances as these, grooming concessions must be made. I admit, however, that I am a vain man, and to be so dirty, greasy, and unkempt is difficult. I feel uncouth.

"And…" I shrug. "And many things. I am much older than you. I am…I do not like to think of myself as abadman, exactly, but I have done many awful things. I like to think I have only done them to those who deserve it. But then, who is to say who deserves death? I am no god. I worked for your father. He and I have…a troubled and complicated history." I hesitate, and the plunge onward with my confession. "The deaths of my wife and children, the manner and reason…it broke me, Tatiana. It broke me, and I do not know if I can be fixed. But then I saw that vile scum, Filip, dragging you into the hangar, and I knew right away who you were, and I…" I shake my head. "My heart began beating again, metaphorically speaking. I took notice of you. As a woman. You were obviously no longer the girl I knew. But in my spirit, I am still Ileana’s husband. I am still Leonora and Leander's father. They are dead and buried, and I mournthem every day. My sorrow, my heartbreak…I fear it is eternal, Tatiana. You are a remarkable woman. Beautiful, strong, and resilient. How can I offer you these broken pieces of myself?"

She looks at me for a long time, silently, her gaze unreadable, searching and piercing. She reaches down, takes my hand, and entwines our fingers. "I am very good at puzzles, Lash."