Page 42 of Lash

"Betray? Nico, you foolish man. I…am…DEAD. You are speaking to yourself. You hear my voice because you have kept me alive in your heart. You cannot betray a dead woman, my love."

So I should let her in? I should open my heart to Tatiana?

Her voice is faint, now."My love. Would I not want you to find joy once more? Would I not want you to laugh again? To feel pleasure again?"

I hear the chime of her scarf on the wind. I hear her laughter. I feel her touch.

I feel her farewell.

Honor me with your life, my love. I am your heart, and hearts are meant to be shared.

Her words are but a whisper on the wind, now, felt more than heard.

I hear Tatiana's steps behind me, feel her presence. "Are you okay, Lash?"

I nod without turning to face her. "Just…saying goodbye."

“To whom?"

"Ileana."

"Lash, I—"

"You asked me what she would say. So I asked myself, and I heard the answer."

Her breath catches on a half-sob, half-sigh. "Lash." She switches to Croatian. "I feel like I am taking things from you. First justice and now your wife."

I answer in English because that is the language I have become most comfortable with. "You have taken nothing from me, Tatiana." I turn and face her, take her hands in mine. "On the contrary. You are setting me free."

She swallows hard, her eyes glistening as they waver, searching mine. "I am being selfish. I…I want you, Lash. I want you to let me in."

I smile at her, and it feels like using atrophied muscles; I lean in and kiss her eye and then the other. "Be selfish, Tatiana. Demand more of me. You will have to be patient with me, but…I will try. I have let the past hold me captive. You have helped me see that."

Her answering smile is tentative and fraught with a myriad of powerful emotions. "I can be patient."

"Tatiana, I…" I close my eyes with a long, slow sigh. "Ileana will always be a part of me. I fear that some part of my heart still belongs to her."

She withdraws one of her hands from mine and cups my face. "Of course, Lash. She was your wife. You loved her. She was taken from you too soon. You should have had a long happy life with her." She steps into me. Her dark eyes search me, pierce my soul. "I do not ask for that part of you, Lash. It is hers. I just…I want the parts of you that can still be mine."

I shake my head. "Why, Tatiana? Why me? Anyone could protect you."

She rolls a shoulder. "Who can say? Who knows why we feel attraction to someone? Who can say why we fall in love?" She grins at me. "Unless you're fishing for compliments. In which case, I can oblige."

I snort. "I am not fishing for compliments. It's just that you are a smart, beautiful, successful woman, and I am a man with a tragic and painful past, and no real ambitions for the future beyond learning to live a life of peace. Death has surrounded me since I was a boy. And the years I have spent in Club Sin with my brothers have been the most peaceful I have ever known, but even those years have been haunted by the deaths of my family. What can I offer you, Tatiana?"

“Yourself. I am not attracted to you for what you can offer me, Lash. What you can offer me isyou. Your mind, your heart, your body. Protection. Safety. Acceptance." She trails her fingers down through my beard and then grips it in her fist and tugs. "I only want you, Lash. The rest I can find on my own. I have a business and I enjoy running it. I can bring it to the States easily. And to be honest, I think it would be good to get away from my father and his business. I am tired of being afraid of every car that follows me. I jump at shadows because I have had men jump out of them at me and hold me hostage to get money from Tata. I am over it."

"I will always protect you."

"I know."

"I just…I cannot promise you safety until after Inez is rescued. I will have blood on my hands until this is over."

She strokes my beard, tugging it through her fist, combing her fingers through it. "You are who you are, Lash. For better or worse, violence has been a part of my life. That man may be the first person I have killed, but he is rather far from the first I have seen killed. I am not afraid of you."

She takes my hands and kisses the palms, places my hands against her cheeks. "I do not need your hands to be clean, Lash." She giggles. "Metaphorically speaking, at least."

"You are a wonder, do you know that?" I lean in, brush my lips against hers.