Page 21

Chapter Twenty-One

Josh

I woke up as I had fallen asleep, wrapped up in Campbell’s arms, my leg swung over him, feeling at the same time more sated and more conflicted than I’d ever felt before. My night with Campbell had been amazing, and the pleasant sting in my ass reminded me of our time together, Campbell’s first time.

I’d never had such an intense sexual experience before, and I knew it was because I was finally with someone I cared about. Sure, my hookups had been fun and had done the job, but being with Campbell put sex on a whole other level. I sighed contentedly into his chest, and Campbell tightened his grip around me.

“You’re up.” I strained my neck so I wouldn’t have to leave the comfort of Cam’s arms to see him.

“Good morning. Happy Easter.”

“Happy Easter to you too. Did you sleep?”

“Some,” Cam said, but I wasn’t sure I believed him. I reached for my phone to see the time, forgetting that I had shut it off the night before.

“It’s about seven thirty,” Cam filled me in. “Are you gonna turn that back on?”

“You mean, am I ready to face this day?”

“I do mean that.”

I sighed. “Yes, yeah. I mean, I’ll head over to my parents soon. But first …”

“First?”

I shoved my groin into Campbell’s side and moved my leg until it trapped his morning wood.

“How would you like to practice some more?”

“Practice?”

I sat up and straddled Cam’s chest. He followed, sitting up against the headboard.

“After last night, I’ve been thinking about all the things left for you to experience.”

“That’s what you’ve been thinking about?”

“Okay, well, maybe I’ve been avoiding thinking about some other things.”

“What did you have in mind?” Cam’s face started to pink up, which I loved. I started to move, and Cam’s look turned sultry.

“Tell me what to do first,” he implored.

“Don’t move,” I said as I hopped off the bed and threw off my sweats before yanking Cam’s down and away as well. I looked up to see him clocking my morning wood.

I straddled him once more and gave him a quick kiss. “Good morning, boyfriend. Okay, don’t forget, you can stop at any time. Okay?” I waved a hand in front of him. “I can finish myself off just like this all over your chest.” The thought of it had my dick twitching, and I started to stroke it. “As a matter of fact …” I kneeled up straighter and picked up the pace of my stroking.

Campbell caught my wrist and removed my hand. “Nope,” he said emphatically, but his next words were a whisper. “That’s mine.”

“Okay,” I lifted up, and Cam slid down until my cock was hanging over his lips. I encircled my cock in one hand and traced his lips with the tip, causing pre-cum to leak all over them. “So beautiful,” I remarked before bending down to steal another filthy kiss.

“Use your tongue to start. Lick it, up, down, my balls,” I said as I got into position. “All over.”

Cam slid down again and started by sucking first one, then the other of my balls into his mouth. He worked his way forward to the skin below my dick, flattening his tongue and pushing until I reacted. “That’s the spot, baby.”

He pulled back. “Before I met you, I was always afraid to … explore inside, but I may have found that spot on myself a time or two, right around here.” He put pressure on the spot again before traveling up the length of my cock with his tongue, zigzagging over a vein that runs along the bottom. I reached back with one hand to find his cock pointing straight up, hard and firm. I wrapped my fingers around it. “God, I love looking up at you,” he confessed, and his face went absolutely crimson as he realized what he’d said.

“Yeah.” I tightened my grip on his cock. “You like this, don’t you?” He didn’t stop his tongue from encircling my tip and licking the top of my cock to nod and vocalize an, “Uh-huh.”

“Then go ahead and suck it when you’re ready.” Watching him nod while his lips were still on my tip had me arching back and sucking in a breath. I composed myself as much as I could and focused on running my hands up and down his cock, reaching back to put pressure on his taint like he’d done to me. I was so focused on my work that Cam had to make a sound from around my tip to get my attention. I’d been pulling away from him to reach behind his long body. He adjusted and squeezed my cock, his mouth working me up and down and meeting his hand with each pass. He pulled off quickly when my hands started to work their way behind me again.

“Hands on the headboard. Now!” Oh my God, that was hot.

Yes, sir , I thought, but, “Uh-huh,” is all I said as I slapped my hands over the top of his headboard.

I kinda liked Cam having to look up at me, and as I bent down to take it all in, I was overwhelmed. His eyes were open, and his cheeks worked to suck as he pumped my dick, his tongue tight to the underside.

“Yes, baby. Just like that. Suck my dick.” He didn’t stop as his eyes closed, and I felt his tongue thrust up as if tapping out a nonverbal response.

I wanted to start moving but held back until Cam’s hand found my ass and gently pushed me forward.

“Okay, baby, I’m going to move a little, but you control it with your hand as much as you need to.” He nodded, and I gently rocked back and forth, the two of us finding a rhythm and working together. I really wanted to reach back and take care of Campbell. I looked over to the nightstand to find my silenced phone next to the bottle of lube.

I pulled out, surprising Cam, who let out a frustrated whine.

I leaned over to the nightstand for the lube and a condom.

“I can still come in your mouth if you want that, baby, but I can’t stand not taking care of you for a minute longer. Time to learn how to put your own condom on!”

Cam laughed before getting serious and opening the packet. I slid down until I was straddling his thighs. From that position, I quickly worked some lube into my ass, almost losing it just from watching Cam carefully run a condom down his length.

I squirted lube onto the condom and tossed the tube to the floor. “You’re gonna need to buy a bigger bottle,” I said, but I started to think about how Cam and I still needed to sneak around to be together. We might not need a big bottle of lube while we were both still at HU, and while Cam was still in the closet.

I chased those thoughts away by moving back into position in front of Cam’s dick. I grabbed it from behind again and sank down onto it quickly. Sure, there was a bit of a burn due to my too quick preparation, but the fullness I felt and the look in Campbell’s eyes were all that mattered. I started to raise and lower myself, grasping the headboard and bouncing at a rapid rate almost immediately. The sounds that came out of Cam’s mouth were almost enough to have me shooting right then. I tried to let my mind wander as I continued to ride Cam. Eventually, I leaned backward, my hands on Cam’s thighs. He reached for my dick, and I swatted his hand away.

“No! I’m gonna come in your mouth, baby. You come for me now, then I’m going right back to fucking your face. Tell me you like this. Tell me I’m making you feel good.”

Cam had been at a loss for words more than once since the night before, but he managed a, “So good,” as he wrapped his big hands around my waist and encouraged me to move up and down. He began thrusting up, and it only took a few seconds of him taking what he needed before he was shouting my name.

When he stopped, I pulled off him and moved forward. He reached for me again, but I swatted his hand away once more. “Next time, baby.” Aiming my throbbing cock for his lips, I moved in close, brushing his mouth as I jacked myself off. I didn’t last long, and soon ropes of cum were painting his chin. I adjusted so that some shot into his mouth, locking my eyes to his, still riding the high as I implored him to, “Taste it.” He closed his eyes and his lips and did just that.

I collapsed on him, our heavy breathing syncing up, and eventually we got up to shower together again.

I was back to whining as we made our way out of the shower.

“Can I just curl up on your bed again? Maybe live here forever?”

I’d meant it as a joke, but Cam looked so serious when he said, “I wish you could.” He lightened the mood quickly by slapping my naked ass and continuing, “But you’d still have to go home for Easter, and so do I.”

I flopped on the bed to power up my phone. Campbell delivered my bag, placing it next to me on the bed.

“Get dressed. I’m sure your niece is missing you.”

“Do I look like the Easter Bunny to you? She won’t even notice I’m not there.” All the same, I started a new text chain on my phone, one that included Devon and my brother, and texted them both:

Josh: Sorry I flew off the handle. It was a shock. Come to the house, Dev. I’ll see you both there.

Cam headed back to Mayville, and I took a walk that felt almost as long, past the gazebo to cut through the forest until my family home loomed in front of me. I could hear people outside, so instead of going in through the back slider, I walked around the side of the house, glancing at the neighbor’s, the home that used to belong to Vera’s grandparents. I thought about my brother and his late wife and how happy they had seemed.

The trauma of Anna’s death hit me, but I also really tried to think about what she would wish for Jamie and for Vera in their circumstance. Of course, she would want them to be happy, and of course, that’s what I wanted for them too.

“That’s all well and good, Anna,” I said to the house as if it was the manifestation of my dead sister-in-law. “But I bet you never imagined he’d find his fucking light again with someone half his age. A guy half his age, for fuck’s sake, Anna!”

In my mind, ghost Anna assured me that all that mattered was Jamie’s happiness. It may have been her or maybe my own psyche that further contributed, Maybe you should stop worrying about Devon and Jamie and focus on your own love life .

I rounded the corner to find my family clustered on the sidewalk on the far end of our house, all staring up the road in awe toward the curve of the cul-de-sac. I turned to follow their gaze, and my jaw dropped like theirs at the tableau in front of me: that of my brother on one side of a child’s bike, my best friend on the other, both of them with their hands extended, running astride my niece as she took her wobbling first pedals without either of them holding on. Both men stared intently at the girl with the crooked helmet before looking at each other. By some unspoken communication, they both stopped and let Vera ride on her own before they shared a quick conversation we couldn’t hear, and Jamie ran up to help Vera slow down and stop.

That unspoken glance between them reminded me so much of Cam and me. How I could always sense where he was when we were in a room together. How important it had been for me to learn his facial expressions, and what it meant when he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Hello, dear,” my mother said, though she hadn’t stopped looking at the scene to acknowledge me.

“Hiya, Ma.”

The trio arrived in front of us to complete silence until my mother began to cheer, and we all followed along, congratulating Vera on riding her bike for the first time. Jamie was holding Vera, and Devon was absolutely beaming at them. Vera wiggled until her father put her down, and she beelined for her grandmother, talking a mile a minute. Jamie returned Devon’s smile, and I knew in that moment that they had something special. I thought back to the week before, when we had been in Brooklyn, and wondered how I’d missed it. Maybe I’d been too absorbed with my own secret. Devon and I really did need to have a heart-to-heart.

Jamie took the bike from Devon and headed toward the garage while the rest of the family followed Nat and Vera to the house. Devon and I fell in step together at the back of the crowd, and he stopped after a few paces and looked my way.

All of a sudden, I couldn’t wait to tell him everything about Cam. I couldn’t wait to tell all of them.

But first things first: I apologized for walking in on him and my brother (ew!). “Sorry, man. But you gotta admit, it’s a little weird. No! It’s a lot fucking weird. And … in the dorm? Dude!”

Devon looked toward the driveway where Jamie was lingering, watching us, before muttering, “You said you were gonna be away.”

“I know I did,” I apologized. “Anyway, much as there is now more than one haunting image emblazoned on my mind from yesterday, I’ve ... come to understand … I mean, you’re sure, right? This is what you want? You aren’t just fucking around?”

I could see it, right there on his face even as he tried to hide his eyes by staring intently at the ground. Devon Miller was head over heels in love.

“J, I really, really care about your brother.” He found the strength to look me in the eye. “Really.”

“Okay, then,” I said, ready to explain that I understood because I was secretly head over heels myself.

“Okay, then? Just like that? I had this whole speech planned! I was ready to grovel, and do your laundry …”

“Just like that, man. I’m not saying it won’t take time for me to be totally comfortable with it, but you should be happy, and so should he.” We hugged, and I could sense him seeking out Jamie over my shoulder. I decided my news could wait since Jamie was leaving later that day, and Devon and I still had a few more months as roommates. I was even more convinced to wait when the happy couple reminded me that they wanted to tell the rest of the family about their relationship that day.

I offered to take Vera out back to play so that they could talk to my parents and the rest of my siblings but not before I made sure to threaten my brother that he would answer to me if he broke my best friend’s heart. I pointed next at my best friend and threatened him with the same thing.

I shared my news with Devon later that evening and shared with both him and Cam that I was worried I would be as obvious looking at Cam as Devon had been beaming at my brother all day long up at the house. Devon had left us alone in the dorm, and Cam seemed so dejected when I said we probably shouldn’t spend too much time together in public.

“We’ll be busy with finals. Then I have graduation. The farm’s barely an hour away, Cam. I can come visit you over the summer, especially if I don’t find a job. What choice do we have, my prince?” Cam refused to respond. “You know I’m right.”

Reluctantly, Cam agreed with a simple nod.

With Devon in the know, we were able to spend some time in my dorm, and we still met once a week at the Hockey House, except, as finals got closer, we actually spent much of our time together quietly studying.

We were both absorbed in our own notes, sitting side by side on his couch, the TV muted in front of us, a week before graduation, when Cam said, “I ran into Professor Dayden at the rink the other day.”

I sat up quickly in surprise. “Funny. I saw him too. Did he tell you that he wanted to see me?”

“No. I think he was there talking to Coach about interviewing players for the summer session of his sports journalism class. Coach said I don’t have to do it, but he’s making Noah and Ethan participate. Dayden did ask me about publishing the podcast.”

“Yeah, he mentioned that to me too.” I straddled Cam’s lap. “But that’s not why he wanted to see me.” I paused and looked deeply into Campbell’s expressive eyes. “I didn’t want to tell you about this, because it probably won’t come to anything, but obviously, you know that the Buffalo Blizzard have a connection to HU through your coach. Well, I guess they’re looking for an intern to work in their PR department. Dayden told them about my articles, and he’s recommending me for it.” Cam’s eyes went wide with surprise.

“I didn’t say anything, obviously, but for some reason , he thought that a member of the alphabet mafia might be the right person for the job.”

“The alphabet mafia?”

“Yeah, you know, LGBTQIA + .” I shook my head and pecked his lips. “You have so much to learn.”

“Hey, I’m learning!” With the part-hungry, part-amused look we gave each other, I assumed he was thinking the same thing as I was. He had learned an awful lot about blow jobs and frotting and fucking me over the past few weeks.

“Oh my God, Josh. They want to hire a queer person because of me!”

“I think so, Cam.”

“But I told them I wouldn’t come out.” I noted his use of the word “wouldn’t.” He’d stopped saying that he didn’t want to whenever we talked about him going to Buffalo.

“I know, baby, but I guess they want to be prepared. And either way, it sounds like a really cool job. I’ll be helping with press releases and social media and damage control. Dayden said that when he mentioned the podcast, they started thinking that maybe the team could start one. Maybe I’d be able to help with that.”

Cam clearly didn’t share my enthusiasm. He guided me off him to stand up, his fingers finding his bangs and tugging. “They want someone to wrangle me. To keep me in the closet?”

“I honestly don’t think that’s it, babe.”

“It shouldn’t require an additional PR person just because I’m gay!”

“In fairness, I don’t think this is a new position. I assume them low-key looking for a gay person just has to do with your circumstance.”

“I don’t want to be a circumstance, Josh!”

“I know that, baby.”

He turned and looked at me so intently. “Do you?”

Maybe I didn’t. We talked more about it, Cam realizing that me working for the Buffalo Blizzard might be a good thing for our relationship even as he continued to push back on the idea that they needed someone to wrangle him.

“Ironically, it would mean me moving up there while you complete your senior year. But Buffalo’s not that far, and then, once you graduate, we’ll be up there together!”

“Yeah, that would be great.” I knew Cam meant it, but he still seemed distracted.

“Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, right? I was going to tell you if I got the job, talk to you about it before I accepted, so we can revisit this, right? If I hear from them. I mean, it probably won’t come to anything.”

The announcement that Cam was signed to the Blizzard happened the day before graduation, which meant both of us were too busy with our own families and major life accomplishments to be there much for each other. We texted throughout the weekend, and I was able to attend the press conference since I was scheduled to meet with the director of PR immediately following it for my interview.

I was thrilled to be in the room watching Cam sign his contract, flanked by his beaming parents, but miserable thinking about spending the next however many years having to hide my feelings for Cam.

We’d agreed to post the podcast after the announcement. The Blizzard’s PR team had listened to it and actually asked if they could help spread the word.

I chatted about it toward the end of my interview. “It feels slightly unfinished, is the only thing,” the director commented.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I think that’s because the last chapter was just written: Cam at that table signing a contract.”

“But what about your journey?” Could she have offered me a better setup? I demurred at first, playing humble, letting her know that I understood that the talent would always take priority.

She smiled at my response but pressed her point. “Both of you come off as very engaging in your discussions. It’s not just Cam’s story that needs an ending.”

It’s our story that needs an ending , I thought but obviously didn’t say.

“After having very little interest in sports growing up, I’ve learned that the human-interest element of sports journalism fascinates me. Watching both my brother and Cam soar in their respective sports? It’s been an honor to watch and a joy to write about. But the best ending to my story, from a strictly narrative perspective of wrapping the thing up in a tidy package, would be if my journey mirrored Cam’s, and I ended up working for the Blizzard.”

The director laughed. “I guess I walked right into that one.”

“Just say the word, and I’ll reach out to Cam about recording one more episode.”

Laughing, she stood and held out her hand. I followed and shook it. “We’ll be in touch, Josh. And good luck to your brother; he graduates high school this year, right?”

“No, actually, he's just a junior.”

“In high school? Really? And he’s got the scouts clocking him already? Impressive.”

I smiled and thanked her. “Yes, he is.”

I met Cam in one of the long gray hallways, but there were people milling around and congratulating him. His parents invited me to dinner, but I declined as my entire family was in town for graduation. I hadn’t told anyone else about Cam yet. Even Devon had agreed to only share with Jamie that Josh and the “fucking closeted hockey player,” as I’d apparently called Cam when I was drunk over Thanksgiving, had worked our shit out.

I had invited the Ryans to my graduation party. Cam and I had talked about him meeting my friends and me at Lefty’s after his announcement the night before graduation, but he’d worried that some of the press might still be around and said he would spend the evening with his family and see me after graduation the next day.

I spent the whole night drunk texting him and missing him terribly.

Shelley: Hey, fucking closeted hockey player, we need to record the final podcast. And then we need to find a place where there are no parents, no roommates, no fucking press, and the biggest bottle of lube that the internet will sell.

Finn: Make sure you eat something, babe, and hydrate.

Shelley: Can I eat your ass? Noooo, you have to eat mine. We haven’t done that yet. But I also need to fuck you. So I have to eat your ass. We’ve got a lot to do!

Shelley: [an image of the number 69]

Finn: Dude, I’m WITH MY PARENTS.

Finn: And my little brothers. STOP TEXTING that shit.

Shelley: Less texting, more drinking. Got it!

Finn: Water! Drink more water, and for God’s sake, order some breadsticks.

Shelley: You see your mistake, right?

Finn [image of a flashing question mark]

Shelley: The only breadstick I want belongs to yooouuuu.

Finn: OMFG. How drunk are you? Are you still at Lefty’s? Are you ok to get home?

Shelley: Very. Yes and yes. Devon’s brother is here and some of our friends. I’ve walked the path from Lefty’s to Cortland many a time. We’ll be fine.

I was so not fine.

I don’t really remember the walk back to the dorm or what time it was, but I do remember sharing the common bathroom with Devon and his twin brother Gavin, who was in town for graduation, as we very loudly got ready for bed. We’d borrowed an air mattress from my parents, and Gavin was staying with us. While the brothers settled in to sleep, I spent some time in the common room, only slightly drunkenly recording what I thought would be a brilliant contribution to our final podcast.

Phones and alarms were blaring within three hours of my returning to the dorm room and slipping into my bed. The next few hours were a flurry of activity, punctuated by excruciating pain, which was not at all helped when Devon and I found my mother backstage at the graduation ceremony, and she gave me at least one of her famous love taps before I could protect my head with my mortar board.

A few hours later, Devon and I were college graduates. I snuck back to the dorm for a power nap and found a series of texts from Cam.

The first had come in around the time my mother was slapping me on the head.

Finn: Congratulations, college graduate!

Cam’s text was followed by a number of images of graduation hats and fireworks and flashing congratulations signs.

I dozed off before I could respond, but I woke up a while later to another text from Cam.

Finn: I think you’re right, babe. Actually, I’ve been thinking about it for some time. I’m finishing up my recording now before the party. I’ll see you there.

I hadn’t sent Cam any response to his congratulations texts, so I wasn’t sure what I was right about, but I lay there trying to figure it out, and as I faded back to sleep, I remembered why I hadn’t slept the night before to begin with.

I shot up in bed and I pulled up my emails. My drunken ramblings, which I’d titled “ Season in the Spotlight Episode Seven,” had been too big of a file to send via text.

I pulled it up and listened to my slurred confessions of love. Okay, that wasn’t too bad. It was sappy and would end up on the cutting-room floor of any self-respecting romcom, but it was all true and heartfelt, and I was glad I’d said it. Although it was really the kind of shit a boyfriend should say in person. I would apologize to Cam that afternoon at the same time I was apologizing for introducing him to the rest of my family all at once. It was not going to be an easy afternoon for my reserved boyfriend. I rolled over, still hoping for a little rest as Drunk Josh continued:

And I know we’re going to end up together. At least I hope so. And it will be all right, really it will. I just won’t be able to look at you, ever. [A clapping sound is heard on the recording.] There! Done! Easy!

And you can’t look at me, or run your fingers through your hair, or fly along the ice like you were born on it, or do that fucking adorable dance you do in front of the goal before the game starts. And you can’t smile your sweet smile. Not at me, or your teammates, or some adoring eleven-year-old fan who wants your autograph. Scowl, Cam. You have to scowl all the time. Because your smile? It will bust the fucking closet door wide open. And fucking rainbow flags and disco music will just … just follow us wherever we go, and we’ll magically be wearing “Josh’s future husband” and “Cam’s future husband” T-shirts, and EVERYONE WILL KNOW.

Drunk Josh was silent for a few beats.

I wish everyone could know.

That’s it, Cam. I just wanted to congratulate you on your season in the spotlight and your future and our future. It’s gonna shine so bright.

I sat up straight at that yelling part because before I even heard it on the recording, I all of a sudden remembered my drunk ass saying the words I wish everyone could know.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fucking drunken honesty. And what did Cam mean, he thought I was right?

I tried to call, but it went straight to voicemail. Meanwhile, my mother, Devon, and my sister were all texting, wanting to know why the guest of honor wasn’t at his own graduation party.

I walked to my parents’ house, emerging from the forest in time to see Devon lifting a sleepy-looking Vera into his arms and heading toward the house, my brother staring at the two of them like they were an ice cream sandwich.

I tried and failed to reach Cam once more before approaching my brother.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” He had the good sense to say it shyly.

“I’m happy for you, bro. Happy for both of you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes! Really. I guess Dev and I both had our secrets this year. I’m glad we don’t anymore.”

“And you’re good? Are you really going to Buffalo with …” Jamie lowered his voice. “The fucking closeted …”

I put up my hand. “No need to whisper, James. Cam still needs to be in the closet because hockey, and I don’t actually have a job up there yet. But we are dating. I’m gonna tell the rest of the family today. Mom and Dad know, and so does his family, but we still need to keep it quiet.”

“I’m sorry about that, Josh. You’ve always been out and proud. It must be hard.”

“Don’t you dare ask me how that makes me feel, counselor. You are not at work, and you are most definitely not my therapist. It’s fine, it’s whatever. It’s what Cam needs, and that’s all that matters.”

At that moment, a smiling Campbell walked around the side of the house with his family. “Besides,” I concluded, “it’s not really difficult, is it? Not when you care about someone. Really care about them? You just want to do what makes them happy.”

Jamie gave me a look of concern.

“Don’t worry. I’m not changing who I am for him, or whatever diagnosis you're cooking up for me. I’m just supporting my boyfriend. We’ll work our way through this, together. I promise.”

The group was on us then, and Campbell reached out as if he was going to put an arm around my waist. I sidestepped and introduced the family to my brother.

“Jamie!” I exclaimed. “You’ll have to bring Vera up to their farm. There are adorable cow babies!”

“Calves,” Campbell corrected me, laughing.

“Calves, and horses, and this beautiful view that rivals anything we have here in the Valley. She’ll love it.”

“I’d love for her to learn how to ride a horse one day,” Jamie responded.

“Dev and Gavin used to ride. That might be a cool thing for you guys to do together.”

“Oh yeah? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, well, he’s still my best friend, after all. Don’t forget it!”

My mother joined us and commandeered Cam’s parents. Hunter introduced Cam’s younger brothers to some of the young people at the party, and Jamie, in an effort to afford us some one-on-one time, I presumed, excused himself. Cam grabbed my hand right after Jamie left us and dragged me into the house.

“Is there somewhere we can talk?”

He followed me into the den, which was empty.

Just then my phone buzzed.

“Holy shit, Cam. I got the job!”

“You got the job?”

“I did!” He hugged me and then stood about an arm’s length from me, face-to-face.

“This is so perfect. You’re going to take it, right? I want you to take it.”

“Cam. I’m so sorry for what I said on that recording. I never want to pressure you. I understand, you know I understand, right? I was drunk and stupid and …”

“You were right.”

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

“Okay, but that’s what I’m saying. Why do I need to be in the closet, Josh?”

I dropped to the couch and leaned forward, my head between my knees. “Because hockey!” I yelled.

“No, because I thought I couldn’t have a relationship and finish school and play hockey. That’s the truth, Josh. It’s always been the truth no matter how much I twisted it to be about sports and homophobia.

“And if you haven’t noticed? I’ve finished my junior year, made it to the playoffs, got signed to the NHL, and I’ve basically been in a relationship since the moment I limped into the physical therapy office and saw the most adorable boy I’d ever met.”

“Cam …”

“Here.” He pulled a set of earbuds from his pocket and shoved them at me before pulling something up on his phone. I took the buds but stared at Campbell.

“I think your diction leaves a bit to be desired, so maybe this is the version we go with for the final episode.”

“Cam… “

Cam knelt before me and took the earbuds from my hand. He stroked my cheek but pulled back when I tried to kiss him, his smile as stunning as ever.

He placed the buds in my ears, and I acquiesced and adjusted them as he handed me his phone.

I hit play, and Cam’s voice began.

“ Hello, hello. Test, test. “ Season in the Spotlight , Episode Seven: The End, aka the Beginning.”

I soar when I’m on the ice; everyone says it. It’s as if you were born to wear skates, Cam; born to block the puck. And I don’t remember a time when that wasn’t true. I can remember a time before that became my world, though. I was thirteen. I’d spent countless hours at the ice rink in town, and that summer I would be a junior counselor at the Rec. Center’s summer camp. There’d be swimming and outdoor sports and time on the ice. I couldn’t wait. I wasn’t a phenom yet, I didn’t have an entire coaching staff and medical teams monitoring my vitals and worrying over my muscles and joints and caloric intake. I was just a kid who loved to skate, and I was spending the summer in this wonderful limbo, no longer a camper, not quite yet shouldering the responsibility of the staff.

Ours is a small town. There were five of us CITs, Counselors in Training that summer. Three boys and two girls. One of the boys and girls paired up almost immediately, acting out the thirteen-year-old version of boyfriend and girlfriend, of going out. That left the three of us, me and Connor and Leah. Everyone joked, everyone asked, everyone wondered, who would Leah choose? It was talked about like it was inevitable. Leah would either date Connor, or she’d date me. Those were the choices.

The only problem with that was that I already knew, somewhere deep down, that Leah wasn’t a choice for me. I tried to hide it that summer because no one assumed that one of the possibilities was that I would like Connor instead of Leah. I continued to hide it after that summer was over because one search of the internet back then proved that there were no gay players in hockey. At least not in the upper echelons of the sport, and by the end of that summer, it had been made abundantly clear to me that if I worked hard, if I kept my head down, if I avoided distractions, the upper echelons were where I was headed. No one said the letters NHL when I turned fourteen, but people were thinking them. And I began to think them too.

I could soar on the ice, and if I played my cards right, I could fly my way right into the big show.

Joshua Marchetti-Gordon, I have kept my head down for six years, I have focused on hockey for all that time, and I’ve believed the men around me who said if I did that, if I made that sacrifice, I’d make it all the way.

I signed the papers today, baby. I did it. I’ve made it all the way, and twelve months from now, I will be soaring on behalf of the Buffalo Blizzard. But after all this time, I learned something new this year.

Not everything that life throws at you is a distraction.

Joshua Marchetti-Gordon, I am a better student because of you, a better person because of you, and contrary to what I’ve been taught, what I believed for all those years, I am a better player because of you.

People may listen to this podcast and think this season in the spotlight was about making it to the pros. But what it was really about, what it is really about, is becoming the man I was always meant to be.

And sure, for a very long time, part of that was becoming an NHL goalie, but I know now that was never all of it. I know now that becoming your boyfriend was as much a part of that journey as signing a player’s contract ever was.

When we release this podcast, babe, the spotlight is going to be on both of us. And it will be on us for way more than one season. Will you take my hand, Joshua Marchetti-Gordon? Will you soar with me?