Page 17

Chapter Seventeen

Josh

I knew the fucking Winter Festival was over. It was always the last week in January, and it ended on Sunday night. Everything was still set up, but with the sun setting, the park would be closed shortly too. I passed one guy on my way to the pond who looked suspiciously like the guy who had let me into the ice rink after Cam’s great game in the fall. Other than that, the place was deserted.

We said our hellos, but Cam wouldn’t say more except to shove a pair of skates at me. He was standing in front of a bench in his big puffy jacket, his Hampstead University hat and scarf the same color as mine. He had the matching gloves as well, and the sweatpants he wore sported the same maroon color. I couldn’t help but smile, remembering how Campbell always matched because the majority of his wardrobe came from the HU Athletics Department.

Cam’s hair was mostly tucked in the cap, just a few of those auburn strands sticking out, and his face had that beautiful flush to it that he got out in the cold but at other times also. I was trying really hard not to think about those other times even as I imagined myself pulling off his hat so I could run my fingers through his hair and kiss him.

The sun peeked out from behind the mountaintop as it set behind him, giving the pond an orange glow, the fairy lights strung around it dancing in a light breeze.

I repeated my question if just to get the thought of kissing him in that romantic setting out of my head. “What are we doing here, Cam?”

“Skates, please?”

The sun hadn’t set so far that I couldn’t see those big, expressive eyes as they pleaded along with the word. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say no to Campbell Ryan. I didn’t have to be happy about that fact, though, so I sighed as I dropped to the bench next to him and yanked the skates from his hands.

He watched patiently as I took my time slipping off my boots and replacing them with the skates.

As I finished lacing the second skate, I tried again.

“Cam.” He held out his hand without saying a word. I wanted to grab it as much as I wanted to run away. We looked at each other for one beat, two, then there were those puppy-dog eyes. I reached out my hand at the same time as I stood, shaking my head even though I wasn’t sure if I was frustrated with him or with myself. We made our way to the edge of the pond hand in hand, but I let go as we both set foot on the ice.

Cam immediately took off skating ahead, then turned around to skate backward as I followed him, my hands shoved in my pockets, my pace keeping time with the music almost against my will. A peppy, lighthearted tune faded into a song by John Hiatt, and Cam slowed down. I slowed too, and we continued to glide to the music. When the verse flowed into the repeated chorus, I couldn’t stand the silence any longer, and I tried again.

“What are we doing here, Cam?” He didn’t stop, continuing to skate backward the entire time and holding eye contact with me. It was a marvel to watch as he instinctively navigated turns he couldn’t see, and as he kept us skating around the circle of the pond. Despite skating backward, he was clearly the one in command. It reminded me of the presence I always felt, the intense concentration and absolute rightness of him guarding his goal when I watched him play. I missed watching him, and I worried about the slump that he appeared to be in. He began by talking about hockey, and it was a stark reminder that, whatever this was, hockey would always come first. I repeated that thought internally over and over like a mantra as I tried to drown out the music and listen to Campbell.

“My dad told me recently that he used to love watching me play because it was the place I appeared most at home. He said I used to float on the ice.

“Did you know they televised that game before Thanksgiving break? He said watching me that day reminded him of that little boy.” Cam kept gliding, John Hiatt kept insisting that I have faith, I kept reminding myself what I had to do, what I had to be for the man in front of me. The man I wanted to be everything for. The man I could never have.

He slowed down, putting us much closer to each other as we continued. He lowered his voice for the next part as if he were afraid to say it.

“And he was right. It was an amazing game.”

I opened my mouth to agree, but he put his hand up to stop me.

“And every game since has been shit. And I’ve tried, really hard, to blame my meeting with the Blizzard, or finals, or the Frozen Four, or anything else. But the truth is, I’ve been distracted.”

Fuck. There it was. The one thing, the one fucking thing he’d worked so hard to avoid. We’d spent a good portion of one of our podcasts talking about how superstitious hockey players are, and I started to put some pieces together. Maybe Cam wanted us to go back to our friends-with-benefits thing because timing-wise, us breaking it off coincided with his slump.

My heart didn’t know if I could take walking away from Campbell if we started up again, but one look at those fucking anime eyes, and I knew I’d give in if that was what he was asking.

“Campbell.”

His hand went up again, but his face mapped an apology as he said, “Let me finish, please.”

I nodded.

“I came out to my parents.”

I stopped cold, a small spray of ice raining down from my skates. Campbell reached out for me but he quirked a smile when he remembered that I wasn’t hopeless on the ice and didn’t need his help to balance. I wanted to tell him how I’d learned to skate on this very pond, winter after winter, coming here with my family to tread the path he and I were on. I had hoped my niece would come up for the Festival this year, but since Devon was staying at my brother’s place, they hadn’t visited since Christmas.

I wanted to distract Cam with all of this because I was so worried about his parents’ reaction. But instead, trepidation in my voice, I asked, “How’d that go?”

“Fine, great. I think they were surprised, but it was fine. They agreed with me,” he hesitated to add, “that it would be best if I stayed in the closet.’

I bet they did , I thought. It was easier to keep it to myself since Cam had cut me off from commenting at almost every other juncture in our conversation.

We stood on our skates and stared at each other. I hoped my look conveyed empathy. I wanted so much to comfort him, imagining that his coming out hadn’t been easy, but the words wouldn’t come.

Finally, Campbell dropped my gaze, his eyes hitting the ice. The music had switched again. We were back to a peppy pop tune from my middle school years. Despite the energetic exuberance of the song, it was easier to tune out than those pleas to have a little faith had been.

“I know nothing’s changed …”

Campbell paused, and I jumped in. “That’s a huge change. I’m really proud of you. I’m sorry if it didn’t go well.”

He sounded a little confused. “No, it did go well with my parents. I meant, I know nothing’s changed between us. So I guess … I guess I did all of this”—he waved his hand—“just to let you know …” He took a deep breath and heaved a huge sigh. Our surroundings had gotten darker, and though the hanging lights provided a soft glow, I couldn’t see the brown of his eyes anymore. I had to go with the images that were emblazoned in my mind.

The tenderness of his face and his tone were harder to miss as he continued. “I did all of this, selfishly,” he added, “because I needed to let you know how I felt.” He looked down and muttered, “Feel.” He didn’t continue, and I longed to make it better. I didn’t let my confusion over our conversation to that point stop me in that.

I began to skate forward, moving more toward the center of the pond so that I wasn’t skating directly toward him. He swung around and joined me. Hopefully, both of us facing forward would make the conversation go more smoothly.

“Now that the sun’s set, it’s too cold to stand still.”

“I used to go out at night, around sunset, after the evening chores were done, and skate around our little pond on the farm. I’d almost forgotten that. Mom or Dad would watch me from the kitchen window. I couldn’t do it every night, because some nights one of my chores was to help clean up after dinner. Huh.” I could tell Campbell was reliving the memory.

He sighed in remembrance at the same time I sighed, preparing myself for what I was about to say.

“I never want to be a distraction for you, Cam. Would it … are you … are you asking us to go back to the way it was? Would that help with your game if we went back to …” Why couldn’t I just say fooling around? There were a million names for it. Fuck buddies, friends with benefits, booty calls. If it’s what he wanted me to be, I would do it for him. So why couldn’t I say it?

“That’s not what I want.”

Okay, well, that was that. “Then I return to my original question: what are we doing out here, Cam?” As we skated in concentric circles, nearing the center of the pond with each pass, it put us further from the dancing lights and deeper into darkness. Even if I’d snuck a glance at his face, I doubted I’d be able to read it.

He took another deep breath, then spit his words out rapid-fire, his feet picking up pace as he said them, like he was running away from me. I worked my much shorter, much less experienced legs hard in an effort to keep up.

“I wanted to tell you how I feel! But it’s not fair. Because I know it’s not what you want. And I don’t want you to compromise yourself! I would never ask that. Not for my game, which I don’t give a fuck about, and not for my heart, which isn’t your problem. I’m being selfish and stupid. Diane told me people change, but I don’t want you to change, Josh! I just want you to want me, and that’s a fucking contradiction.”

I’d kept up enough to hear every word, but I wouldn’t be able to continue as he raced around the pond. “Cam!” He stopped immediately, held his back to me for a few beats, then turned around.

“What do you mean, you don’t give a fuck about the game?”

“I just meant, that’s not for you to fix. None of this is for you to fix.” He took another deep breath. “I like you, Josh. A lot. And it was selfish of me to think you needed to hear that. To think that might make it better. To think …”

My heart was racing, and I knew it wasn't from the workout our sprint around the ice had caused.

“To think I might want you too?” My voice broke at the end, and my heart hammered. I closed my eyes and imagined his doing the same. I knew him, I reminded myself. I could tell how he was feeling. He wanted me. I’d known that. But was it possible that wanting me wasn’t the distraction?

He shook his head no as I skated toward him. I would have to convince him. “I’ve missed you, Campbell. I think about you all the time.”

“No, Josh. We want different things.”

“Do we, Cam?” I stopped in front of him, straining in the darkness to see him, to really see him and to implore him to see me.

“Because I want you too. And I know you said you don’t care about your game, but I do, and I don’t want to do anything to mess that up. I never wanted to be your distraction.”

We were inches apart. I could see his expression then, all of it, including those eyes that could never lie to me. “Oh, but you have been, Joshua Marchetti-Gordon. From the moment I laid eyes on you, you have been my distraction.” He took one more deep breath. “I’ve been falling for you since that day, and I want to be with you. I know you’re probably back to hooking up, or whatever, and I don’t expect you to change that for me, so I don’t even really know what I’m asking. Maybe we can go back to being friends?”

I couldn’t help but scoff at that, and my hand moved quickly to caress his cheek so he wouldn’t think I was rejecting him. “I don’t want to be your friend, Finn, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. If you can promise me, promise me I won’t be a distraction, then all I want is to be with you.”

He was shaking his head no again, and I felt I’d gone too far. “I can’t come out of the closet. My parents …”

I hated to think that his parents were forcing him to stay in the closet to play hockey, but I understood how difficult it would be to be out as a professional sports figure. It was something I had been thinking a lot about between Cam and Hunter, and something I had been researching over the break. Cam’s family might not be handling it well, but I hoped that when it was Hunter’s turn to go pro, he’d have an easier time. I wasn’t so naive as to think he’d have an easy time, I just hoped for easier.

I dropped my hand from his face and held his hand, leading us back into a leisurely skate despite the continuance of the bubble-gum music.

“We can do this, Cam, be together. We can be in the closet. You can live your dream.” He stopped us once more. “I have faith in us, Campbell Ryan. I just need you to have a little faith too.”

Effortlessly, he swung himself around, never letting go of my hand as he skated to a stop, pulling me to him, our bodies flush, his other hand wrapping around my waist.

“I do,” he promised before he leaned down, and our cold lips met.

I understood what his dad meant about floating on the ice. He wrapped an arm around my waist and led me around the pond at a much more rapid pace than I’d ever gone on my own. We took one more lap before Cam led us to the pond’s edge.

I exited the ice feeling like I was the one floating. But watching him as we pulled apart and neared land, I could see it, an otherworldly lightness, a weight lifted. He wasn’t skating, he was flying.

We sat next to each other and removed our skates, sneaking peeks at each other and smiling. I thought about all the times I’d been at the park as a kid. I’d never felt more excited or giddier than I did in that moment.

Cam finished before me, and I could sense him watching me. I shoved my foot in my boot and turned until I was straddling the bench, sliding close to him as he turned his head to watch. I pulled him down toward me by the neck and kissed him there on the cold bench. I could have stayed like that all night, but Cam noticed the shiver that ran through me as a blast of wind washed over us. He pulled us apart, but I kept my hand on his face, keeping him close.

“Didn’t you grow up here? You’d think you could handle a little bit of cold.” I pulled him close again so that we were practically lip to lip.

“You could go back to warming me up, please.” He pecked my lips but pulled away again.

“Nah, we better get out of here. The guys who run the place said they’d tell the park ranger we were here, but you never know.” Campbell stood, and I missed the feel of him near me. “I’ve got to shut off the lights and this ridiculous tween music. He turned on the flashlight on his phone, and I did the same.

“Need help?”

“It’ll just take a second.” I used the time to scroll on social media to find a picture of my best friend and my niece hanging some sort of wooden contraption in the backyard. The caption informed me that the contraption was in fact a bird feeder, and that Devon, of all people, had assisted my niece in making it at an Explorer Girls meeting. Cam could see my odd smile, and as the music was off, hear my odd laugh as he returned.

“What?”

“Check out the future wolf of Wall Street. He apparently attended an Explorer Girls meeting tonight.”

“My youngest brother was an Explorer Boy for a few years.” Cam looked at the picture, then at me. “I can’t come out, Josh. We can’t post silly pictures of us breaking into the state park.”

Oh, Cam wasn’t joining me in mocking my roommate for being so domestic. He’d turned serious again. I tucked my phone away.

“I understand.” I stroked his face again, so happy that I could that I thought I would do it every time I saw him. His comment reminded me that I wouldn’t be able to. “No one needs to know.”

“I know that’s unfair. I mean, Noah and Diane basically know. And my parents. But …”

“It’s okay, Cam. You need us to be secret. My lips are sealed. I promise.”