Page 19

Chapter Nineteen

Josh

“Hang on.” I stood and sent a text while Cam looked at me questioningly. I got the answer I expected and held my hand out to Campbell. “Come on.”

“Come on?”

“Easter is next weekend. Are you ready for a little test run on the whole ‘coming out as a couple’ thing?”

“Huh? What?” He was so cute when he was confused. I just stared at him, awaiting an answer. “No? Yes? I mean yes, of course.”

I kissed the stress off his face before he could yank his hand from mine to run it through his hair.

“Che Marchetti-Gordon is right through those woods. Come on.”

I could sense Campbell’s hesitation as he stayed a half step behind me, making me feel like I was dragging him to his doom. “It’ll be okay. My mom just got home. She’s chopping vegetables.”

Cam stopped in his tracks. We were halfway there, surrounded by trees.

“She’s the only one home.” I squeezed his hand. “It’s going to be fine.”

We emerged from the woods on the border between my parents’ property and our neighbors. For years, the neighboring house had belonged to Anna’s family, and our joint backyard, the small patch of woods we called the “forest,” and the gazebo and hill beyond it, had been our shared playground.

Anna’s parents had moved to Florida some years earlier, and the new owners had taken down the swing set that had been on their property. When my niece was born, my parents installed a more elaborate and modern outdoor play set on our side.

I was nervously sharing these details with Campbell as the yards opened up to us. Aside from the play set, our backyard housed an expansive paver patio with a firepit and outdoor kitchen. The weather was still cool, but it had been unseasonably warm, and my mother had texted that she was firing up the grill. She was fiddling with the knobs as we approached.

“Hiya, Ma.”

She glanced up briefly but went back to focusing on the grill.

“Joshua Anthony Marchetti-Gordon. Twice in one week. To what do I owe the pleasure? Ah-ha!” she exclaimed immediately after asking the question and before I could respond or introduce Campbell or get her to focus on us in any way. “We have fire!”

She looked up then, for the first time taking in the tall man who was squeezing my hand numb at that very moment. Her eyes darted from his face to our hands to my eyes.

Mom yanked a towel from the counter; it was under a tray of food that clattered as she quickly rinsed her hands in the outdoor sink and dried them on the towel.

Campbell and I walked around the counters and joined Mom in front of the grill.

“Hi there!” Mom started, her eyes darting from Cam to me.

“Mom, this is my boyfriend, Campbell Ryan. Cam, Dr. Natalie Marchetti-Gordon.” I didn’t think Campbell would ever let go of my hand, so I pointed between the two of them with my free hand as Mom stuck hers out, keeping her eyes on me.

“Boyfriend? Will wonders never cease? Are any of my boys not harboring secrets?”

Her eyes took in Campbell next. “Campbell, it’s lovely to meet you.” I squeezed Cam’s hand before letting it go. He shook my mother’s, and his face lit up in a smile that almost hid his nervousness.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Marchetti-Gordon.”

“Please, call me Natalie.” Campbell looked like he was going to protest. “Campbell Ryan? The hockey player?”

“What do you know about hockey?” I interjected in surprise.

“I would have guessed about the same amount as you before this moment. But Cam was mentioned at a faculty meeting the other day.” Mom gestured to the outdoor table at one corner of the patio, and we headed that way.

“Josh, grab your guest a soda or something.” She pointed to the outdoor refrigerator. “Your Dad got everything up and running out here before we left last week. I was worried about cold weather, but everything is in working order. I think he thinks we might grill next weekend before Easter.”

I nodded to Campbell to sit and was leaning over the fridge, grabbing two bottles of water and a beer for Mom, as she finished what she was saying. I stood and looked at her. “What? And break the tradition of pre-holiday pizza night? I think Jamie, AJ, Caid, and Hillary only come back here for the pizza.”

“Hey!”

I leaned in and faux whispered to Cam as I sat down, “It’s not true. Mom’s a great cook.”

“It’s just shish kabobs tonight, but I always make more than enough, so you boys are welcome to stay.”

Campbell went to open his mouth, but I jumped in. “Don’t even try to decline, Cam. Mom will not let us leave here without feeding us.”

Campbell’s nervous smile returned. “Thank you.”

Mom took a swallow from the beer bottle before swinging it between the two of us. “So, how did you two meet?”

I went on to tell the story of our meeting and ending up in class together.

“You were right about keeping secrets, Mom. Campbell isn’t out. Because of the whole hockey thing. So we’re not telling many people.”

Mom put a hand over Campbell’s. “That must be very hard on you. I wish this world wasn’t the way it is for you boys, but I understand. Your secret’s safe with me. Your dad is going to be home in a few minutes, though, so if you want to keep your secret, you may want to slide your chair over a little bit, Josh. And maybe try to not look at him like that.”

“Ma,” I said, rolling my eyes and looking sheepishly at Campbell.

“Yeah, maybe don’t look at him at all, Joshy. Because I’m not sure you can fool anyone.”

“Ma!” My mother got up but stood before us with another smile. “This family is full of secrets,” she said, shaking her head before making her way back to the grill. I didn’t ask her what she was talking about. My mom was really good at keeping secrets.

We told my dad as well, and I think Campbell was a little more relaxed by the end of the evening after having shared a quiet dinner with them.

A few days later, Campbell insisted on meeting me at the dorms because a couple of the guys from the Hockey House hadn’t yet left for the holiday weekend, and he didn’t want to answer a million questions about why he’d ask me to drive him instead of any of them.

Devon, who was also staying in town for the holiday and would be joining my family on Sunday, seemed preoccupied when I told him I was leaving and wouldn’t be back until Sunday. I thought he would question my vague declaration, but he merely glanced up from peering at his tablet as he perched on the bed.

“Huh?” he asked before following it up with an, “Okay.”

“I probably won’t need the room tonight. Or tomorrow.”

For some reason that got his attention. “Really?”

“Really. You know, last long weekend before graduation. Might as well live it up, right? I won’t be back until Sunday. How about I text you when I’m at the house, and you can meet me there. That way we both get to skip some of the early-morning chaos that is Vera before any holiday where a mythical character breaks into our house on her behalf.” Devon looked oddly disappointed by that statement and didn’t react at all to my joke.

“Yeah, cool. So I’ll see you on Sunday at your parents’?

“Sunday at the professor and the dean’s. I’ll text you.”

“Cool.” Devon had swapped his tablet for his phone, his fingers flying, but his tone didn’t match his excited digits as he continued to be distracted and monotone. I packed an overnight bag, anticipating questions from Devon that never came, and slipped out of our room with a, “See ya,” feeling like I had dodged a bullet and making sure the door closed quietly behind me.

I worried that it was too risky to meet Campbell in front of Cortland Hall and convinced him to wait at the dorm across the street from mine while I went to borrow a car from my parents. There weren’t many people milling about when I pulled up to pick him up, but there were a few.

I kept my eyes on my own dorm, worried someone I knew would exit while Cam was tossing his luggage in the back and pouring his large frame into my mom’s car.

“I slipped into the lobby to wait. Felt kinda silly, standing on the sidewalk with my bags,” he said. It all felt like a bit of subterfuge.

Once we were on the road, being together felt normal. I put my worries about meeting Cam’s parents out of my head so we could enjoy the drive as we chatted and fought over music.

“It is common knowledge that the driver picks the music. The driver has to stay awake and focused and cannot be distracted by that ridiculous last-century arena rock you’ve got playing.” I handed over my phone. “Here, find my road-trip playlist. Last time I listened to it, I was traveling back from Delaware with my hand in a cast, so it’s kind of fitting. If I hadn’t had that accident, I wouldn’t have met you.”

I shared my password with Cam, and he responded, “Wow, I’m honored. No one’s ever shared their password with me before.” I wasn’t sure if his tone was reverent or snarky, so I snuck a quick glance to find those puppy-dog eyes looking at me like I was holding his favorite treat. I smiled back and returned my focus to the road.

After a few beats with no change in the music, I flicked my head to the right again long enough to see Cam scrolling on my phone.

“You criticize me about arena rock, and then you turn around and ask me to play this modern emo drivel. I am questioning our entire relationship right now.”

My heart fluttered at Cam’s ability to joke about our relationship.

“Okay, compromise!” I turned the radio to the oldies station my mom had preset. “Everyone loves good, old-fashioned retro pop, right?”

Campbell sighed and dropped my phone in one of the cup holders, but before long, we were both singing along to Karma Chameleon , trying to outdo each other.

Cam laughed when the song ended. “Guess we’re learning something new about each other today.”

“What’s that?”

“We both suck at singing!”

“Hey!”

I didn’t turn to look, but I could sense that Cam was staring at me. “Okay, yeah, you’re right,” I reluctantly agreed.

The GPS announced that I needed to make the next right.

“But don’t listen to her after that. It will take you the back way around the fields.”

“Gotcha. You can be my GPS from here on out.” This resulted in Campbell using an adorable electronic voice to keep me headed in the right direction.

“Turn right at the next random patch of dirt that almost looks like a road.”

As we neared the farm, I became more nervous about meeting Campbell’s parents, but I managed a chuckle. Generally, my friends’ parents loved me, and though Cam never spoke poorly about his, I still assumed that they had issues with him being gay.

We turned onto a long dirt road, and I asked, “How do you want to play this this weekend?”

“Play this? I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I know you're out to them, but if it’s easier, we could say we’re just friends. You could play it off like I was the guy with a car available.” I shrugged, hoping to give off a no big deal vibe.

“Josh, my parents basically already know about you. Plus, I … I want to tell them. The whole point of this trip was so we could tell them, so we can stop hiding. At least a little bit. Would you rather we didn’t? Oh God, I thought it went well with your parents. Did it not go well? Should I be worried?”

Shit, I was trying to make things easier for him, and clearly I was making things worse. “Cam, babe. No, forget I mentioned it. I just wanted to make sure that you were ready.”

He took hold of the hand I had resting on the console. “I’m ready,” he said with resolve but with something more as well. It sounded like wonder.

His silly voice returned. “Remain on this road for ten point two minutes before making a left onto the access road for Pond View Acres.” In his actual voice, Cam added, “there are pillars on either side of the road with the name on it since GPS is shit out here. You can see the vegetable stand from the road as well.”

We chatted amicably for the short remainder of the drive, and I found myself wishing we could be together, joking and talking, all day every day.

I don’t know why I was expecting the Ryans’ farm to be run-down; maybe it was because of Campbell’s seemingly constant worries about money. My first clue that it wasn't was that the vegetable stand was actually a small, enclosed shop. I commented to Cam that the stand was actually a building, and he explained how his parents had taken out a second mortgage to build cabins and spruce up some buildings in order to start their agritourism business.

He pointed to the Pond View Acres General Store. “This area was the vegetable stand back in the day.”

“Like the gym,” I responded.

“What gym?”

It was my turn to explain why my family called a bedroom with two perfectly normal beds in it the gym.

“Families, right?” Cam joked, and I laughed along, my nerves calming to match his seemingly calm state.

We traversed the long drive, and before long, I was looking at a charming farmhouse, painted white with green trim that matched the color of the barn behind it. In the distance was a second barn, this one a more rustic natural wood. The long gravel drive was lined on one side with fencing, enclosing an expansive field peppered with cows, beyond which evenly planted evergreen trees served as a backdrop. The land spread out on the other side of the drive as well, where it appeared rows of crops were just beginning to sprout. Beyond that were rows of neatly planted deciduous trees.

As we approached the house, the small pond became visible behind it, a dense wooded area beyond that.

“You’ve got a forest too!” I joked. The woods beyond the pond seemed much vaster than the little patch of greenery behind my parents’ house. “It’s even more beautiful than the pictures.”

I’d slowed the car almost to a stop to admire it, and Cam pulled my hand over the console again. I could sense him looking at my face even as I stared at the picture-perfect scene in front of me.

“I hoped you’d like it. It’s really special up here.” With my hand in his, he started pointing. “You saw the pasture back there, with the Christmas tree farm behind it. In the winter we do carriage rides. On this side”—he guided my hand and pointed out his window—“there are strawberries and various vegetables. You can pick your own or stop at the stand. The trees back there are Empire apples. This is the main house, obviously. The second mortgage helped build the party barn”—our joint fingers pointed to the natural wood barn—“and we have seven cabins on the property, like for weddings and stuff. Some people treat the cabins like a hotel when visiting the area, and some come to work on the farm for a week or whatever. We haven’t had a wedding yet, but there’s one booked for this summer!”

“I remember you telling me about agritourism. It sounded really interesting. People really spend their vacation up here working?”

“They really do!” Campbell paused. I knew him well enough to give him a minute to go on. He was holding my hand but looking at the farm laid out before us.

“You know, if it weren’t for hockey, I probably wouldn’t have even gone to college. I would have just stayed here to help out. It’s a lot on them, and they can’t afford much help yet. But I certainly plan to invest just as soon as that first NHL paycheck comes in.”

Cam went to pull his hand from mine, but I held onto it tightly. “No need to knock on wood anymore, my prince.”

He pulled his hand away, and his tone was light as he rapped on the dashboard. “I can still get hurt, or …”

I leaned toward him and grasped his hand again. “You know that’s not wood, right?” Cam turned to me, and I expected a witty retort, but instead he kissed me, right there in front of his house, where anyone could be looking out the window and wondering about the short guy in the mom mobile who had driven their son home.

The farmhouse had a porch and a second-floor balcony that extended the entire length of the front elevation. There was a set of rocking chairs near the door, a table and chairs on one side, and a swing on the other. Two figures emerged and stood in front of the partially open front door, a man and a boy. I worried that they’d caught us smooching. Campbell seemed unphased as he gave them a quick wave with his free hand, and with my hand still in his other, he pointed to the side of the house. “Ready?” He gave it a squeeze. “Park behind Mom’s truck for now. The blue one.”

I had lived a pretty sheltered life, growing up in our ridiculously supportive college town with my ridiculously supportive family, but it’s not like I’d never met a homophobe before. I prepared myself for whatever awkward or downright- hostile situation I was getting myself into and reminded myself that I needed to focus on being there for Campbell.

I plastered a smile on my face as we exited the car. “Leave the bags.” Cam seemed anxious to get to his family. “We can get them later.”

I stood by the driver’s side door until Campbell came around. He threaded his fingers through mine, and I tried to pull away, but he held firm. I studied his face, mine asking Are you sure? , and he just smiled his shining smile in answer.

The smile on the man at the door, Campbell’s dad, I assumed, matched that of his son, and I could almost feel my rapidly beating heart skip a beat in shock. The boy beside him was smiling as well and calling out imaginary hockey plays like a radio announcer. All of them featured, “The rookie, number fifty-nine,” blocking a shot.

We mounted the stairs, and Mr. Campbell opened his arms wide as he exclaimed, “There they are! How was the trip?” Campbell’s brother stopped his commentary to run up and hug his brother, and Cam dropped my hand to wrap the boy in a hug, lifting his feet from the ground and swinging him around. Cam started spouting pretend hockey plays in the same radio announcer voice, this time featuring, “Young upstart, number eight.”

I was watching the scene in front of me and therefore taken by surprise when the outstretched arms that I assumed were for Campbell were wrapped around me. “This must be Joshua.”

Cam put his brother down. “Nah, Dad. That’s my Uber driver.”

Cam’s Dad pulled back quickly and took me in before Cam started laughing.

“Dad, meet Josh. Josh, Dad. How many times have I told you, you can’t just hug everyone who walks up these steps?” To me, Cam shared, “There are literally online reviews complaining about the guy who chases everyone around Pond View Acres with his arms wide open. I swear, it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.”

“My son, the kidder.”

Cam grabbed his brother from behind and lifted him up again as if presenting him to me. “Josh, this is my kid brother Danny. Danny, this is my boyfriend, Josh.” I shot a quick look at Cam’s dad for a reaction to the word “boyfriend.” His warm smile allayed any fears I had about my welcome, though I felt a bit confused.

The boy with his feet dangling reached out his hand, and I shook it. “Pleasure to meet you, Danny.”

“Hi,” the boy said, giggling as I shook his hand and Cam shook him.

Cam was putting him down, and we were about to head in when a voice from inside yelled, “I thought I heard a car, are they …” A woman pulled the front door open wide. “Oh, here you are. Come inside, come inside. You’ll let all the flies in. And Lord knows we have a million flies around here.” We all walked in. “Straight through to the kitchen with all of you. Lunch is on the table.” Cam let me walk in front of him, and the woman took my arm.

She leaned in and whispered to me, though I was sure Cam could hear from his spot right behind us as we walked further into the house. “We’re so happy you’re here, Joshua.” She stopped and grasped my shoulders to turn me toward her. I shot a look at Campbell but was embraced in another hug before either of us could do anything about it. “Thank you so much for what you’ve done for my boy.”

“I …” I didn’t know what to say. Mr. and Mrs. Ryan were not at all what I had expected, and I was not exactly sure what she thought I had done.

“Mom, for God’s sake. Let the man go.” From behind me, Cam grabbed my waist so I could take a step back. “I told you they were huggers,” he said from behind me, into my ear but loud enough for all to hear. Then he stepped forward, wrapping an arm around my waist. With his free arm he directed a little shooing motion toward his mom. “Kitchen, remember?” She beamed at the two of us before leading the way to a large kitchen with modern appliances and wooden cabinets that matched a huge, natural-looking wooden table, a long rectangle that ran most of the length of the huge room and had chairs on one side and a bench on the side closer to the wall. From a window above the sink, I could see the little pond and the tree line behind it.

“Wow,” I breathed out, and all eyes were on me. “This is beautiful.”

“Thank you, dear,” Mrs. Ryan responded.

“What are you boys drinking? Cam told us you’re a senior, Josh. Does that mean you’re twenty-one? Can I get you a beer?”

“No, thank you, sir. I mean, yes, I’m twenty-one, but water, please.” Cam was directing me to take a seat on the bench as activity flew around me. Fried chicken and bowls of sides were delivered by Danny and Cam’s mom as his dad filled and delivered drinks. A door opened and closed somewhere close by, and a nearby voice could be heard.

“The stalls are cleaned out. Are they here yet?” Another young man, clearly Cam’s other brother, entered the kitchen from what appeared to be a mud room. He was pulling on a clean T-shirt as he continued talking. When his head popped out, he concluded with an, “Oh”; a blush like his brother’s began to creep up his neck as Campbell responded.

“Yeah, Chase, they’re here. Josh, this is my brother Chase.”

I waved and gave him a, “Hey, man,” as he came and sat next to his brother. They shared a side hug from their seats on the bench. Chase leaned forward to look my way.

“Glad you’re here. It’s Cam’s turn to muck the stalls in the morning. We only have two horses right now, so it’s not a big deal, but we like to get it done early, and this guy could use a little help.”

Cam shoved his brother before picking up the platter of chicken and dropping a piece on his brother’s plate. He pointed at a few pieces, silently asking me to choose, and I shrugged as if to say it didn’t matter. They all looked good to me.

“We’ve hardly ever eaten together. You’ve gotta at least let me know if you’re a dark meat or a white-mean guy.” Chase may have snickered, and Cam used his free hand to swat at his forearm as the younger man was raising a chicken leg to his mouth. “Not a word out of you, smartass.”

With the chicken leg poised in front of his mouth, Chase did manage to quickly mumble, “You’re about the whitest white meat …” before his brother shouldered him and told him to shut up and eat.

The family was all settled at the table by the time Chase took a bite of his chicken, thinking better of finishing his comment. I glanced nervously at Cam’s parents, catching them laughing and rolling their eyes at each other.

“Try to behave in front of company, Chase,” his dad said, but there was no harshness to his tone. “Not everyone is used to the brilliant witticism that comes from being a teenage boy.”

Cam put his face in front of his brother’s, and in a similarly loving and joking tone, repeated, “That means shut up and eat.” Then to his parents, he said, “Actually, Josh is one of six kids, so he’s probably used to obnoxious brothers.”

I leaned close to Cam and corrected him. “One of seven.” He turned to face me, and we were barely an inch apart the way we were sitting on that bench.

“Oh shit, yeah, five brothers, one sister, and you!” We were smiling at each other and didn’t move until Cam’s dad cleared his throat. When he did, it made me realize what we must have looked like, and my nerves kicked in, my heart beating like it was warning me to get the hell out of there. But when I tore my eyes from Cam’s, all I saw were bright smiles from Mr. and Mrs. Ryan.

I plastered a smile on my face as well but could hear the anxiousness in my voice as I contributed, “I’m actually the second youngest, so if anyone's the obnoxious little brother, it would be me.” Cam’s hand found my thigh, and he gave it a supportive squeeze.

“One of seven! Wow, that’s … Wow.”

Chase did not heed his father’s warning about his witty comments. “What she means is, she’s glad she stopped at three.”

Danny found his voice to add, “She could have stopped at two and skipped you.”

Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, who insisted I call them Daniel and Camille, asked me questions about my family, my studies, and asked Cam and me how we met and how long we’d been seeing each other. I’d been expecting a cold but polite welcome, but the family showed me nothing but jovial good humor and genuine interest.

“Danny and I are going to help Mom prepare the food for tomorrow, and Chase, you get the afternoon off since you straightened up the barn. Cam, I thought you might want to take Josh and show him around. I gassed up the ATV. Calving went early this year, but your girl Pixie’s holding out on us. Why don’t you boys go check on her?”

Cam looked at me in question, and I shrugged again.

“Thanks, Dad. We’re just going to grab our stuff, then we’ll head out.”

I followed Cam back out to the car and then back to the house and up a set of stairs to the second level. A landing and hallway sported six doors, and Cam pointed to the one to our left. “That’s Chase’s room.” Straight ahead of us was Danny’s room, and around the corner, Cam opened the first door. “Bathroom. We all share. This is the linen closet if you need anything.” He opened it and took out a stack of towels before knocking once on the next door. “Guest room,” he said, but he kept walking to the dead end and opened the last door. “And my room.”

He was doing that thing where he opened the door and expected me to brush past him, but I stood where I was and looked over my shoulder. “Should I drop my stuff off?”

“Well, yeah. That’s what we’re doing up here.” He pulled my bag from me and entered the room. I followed dumbly behind him.

He dropped our bags to the floor and sat on his bed, which was the same size as his bed in Hampstead and much bigger than the narrow one I had at the dorm. It was the only bed in the room.

“Talk to me, Josh. What’s going on?” I glanced around the room and wasn’t surprised to find a shelf lined with trophies. Posters of hockey players lined the walls. One wall had a metal sign on it that said: “Mayville Recreation Center and Ice Rink.” I stared at it, trying to collect my thoughts.

I could tell that Cam went from looking at me to following my gaze. “Oh, that. They redid the exterior a few years ago. Repainted and got a new sign. I asked if I could have the old one.” I smiled, but my eyes went to the bed instead of to Cam’s face. “Josh?”

Finally, I turned and stood in front of where Cam was sitting. I thought about stepping into his personal space or sitting next to him, but both felt weird. I sat on the floor in front of him instead. The carpet that covered most of his hardwood floor was soft to the touch as I leaned back on my hands, but I quickly sat up straight, pulled my knees to my chest, and hugged them.

Cam circled a hand in the air in front of me. “What is all this? Something’s wrong. You said it went well with your parents, but did something happen? Or do you hate it here? It’s even more rustic than Hampstead, I know, but …”

“No! It’s none of that. My parents loved you. They’re shocked that I have an actual boyfriend, but I’m pretty sure they’re thrilled about it too. Well”—I couldn’t help the joke—“my dad never actually appears thrilled about anything, but Mom assured me he is. They’ve always been super supportive about us finding our own way in the world, but my mom can barely contain how happy she is that I’ve got my first boyfriend. Hell, she’s got five kids and two stepkids, all of whom are single. We’re lucky she isn’t picking out china patterns for us already. So I promise, there’s nothing for you to worry about with them. And this place? It’s amazing and warm and welcoming. I’d definitely want to vacation here.”

“Then what’s going on? Because I’m worried”—Cam’s hand carded through his hair—“about the guy who's currently balled up in the fetal position on my carpet.”

“Actually, this would be the fetal position,” I joked as I flopped on my side. I smiled from my prone position and felt relief when I saw Cam drop his hand from his hair and smile back at me. I sat up and went back to my original position, leaning back, my legs open in a V in front of me.

“It’s just, I expected your parents to be different. I’ve been thinking about our conversations about them, Cam, and for the life of me, I thought they were … I thought part of the reason you didn’t want to come out was because they wouldn’t approve. I clearly got that wrong. I’m so sorry that I got that so wrong.”

“You thought my organic farm-owning hippie parents would be homophobes?”

“Oh fuck, Cam. I think I stereotyped ‘Upstate New York farmer’. Maybe made assumptions about why you were in the closet. I’m so sorry.”

“Did you forget the part about the NHL?”

“No, I didn't, I just thought … I thought it was both things. Your parents are really great, Cam, and I may have been too flabbergasted by that fact to make a good first impression.”

“You seemed a little nervous. I just thought it was the whole ‘meeting the parents’ thing. I mean, I’m still recovering from the professor and the dean.”

“Cam, your parents are great and all, but shouldn’t I sleep in the guest room?”

“No, you most certainly should not! We hardly get to spend any time together. The one place, well, besides your house now, I guess, that I get to be out, and you expect me to not spend every moment, waking and sleeping, with you?” Cam came off the bed, tipping forward until he was on his hands and knees, crawling toward me.

“I used to do my homework sprawled out on this carpet.” His arms were straddling one of my legs, and his face was close to mine.

I moved one hand a little, rubbing it in the fibers of the rug. “It’s comfy.”

“And I’d dream about someone up here with me. Just hanging out, really. Lying next to me and helping each other with homework or playing video games. Taking breaks to make out and roll around on this very carpet.”

He embraced me then and kissed me soundly, guiding us until we were prone, his dense weight covering me like one of those weighted blankets, warming me, protecting me. He rolled us eventually, never taking his lips from mine, keeping our bodies as connected as possible, our legs intertwined. When our hips started to get in on the action, he pulled his head back and rested it on the carpet. I hovered above him, one hand in his hair, one on his shoulder. His eyes twinkled. “Of course, I also imagined us playing one-on-one at the rink, but I guess I’ll settle for a sweet little circle skate since you’ve never even held a stick. We can listen to my eighties-rock playlist.”

I rolled off him and lay down on my back as well. “No. Nope. Absolutely not with that ridiculous arena rock. This relationship is over.” We smiled at each other as we laughed before we both leaned in for another quick kiss. I would have happily gone back to making out and rolling around on Campbell’s floor, but he pulled back.

“You really thought they were homophobes?”

“I’m so sorry, Cam, but I really did. I’ll be less of an ass at dinner, now that I’m not so confused.”

“You just keep being you. Nervous or confused or whatever, I know my parents are going to love you because …”

We’d said it once, but we also hadn’t said it again, and admittedly, we’d been joking and laughing that first time.

I stopped him with a kiss. “Thank you, my prince.” The light in his eyes said it all. “Are you really taking me for an ATV ride to meet a cow?”

Sure enough, a few minutes later I was straddling Cam as he drove us around the farm, him pointing and screaming things in my ear as we went.

We washed up for dinner, and I insisted that Cam and I help since the family had been cooking since we left. There wasn’t much left to do, but it gave me the opportunity to interact with Cam’s family. I was much more relaxed and felt at home with the loud, happy family that reminded me of my own, minus a few siblings and one boisterous niece. I told them more about the Marchetti-Gordons, and they shared with me about running the farm and the tourist business. They asked about my future plans, and I found myself talking about podcasts and the article I had written about out sports figures, and I may have been realizing in real time that a career in sports communications was my future.

“My brother’s got scouts coming to see him, too, and I’ve been writing a little about that.”

“You have?” Cam asked. “I didn’t know that. That’s awesome.”

“Yeah. It’s just for me right now, not for a class or anything. But I could see following Hunter’s journey the same way our podcast followed yours.”

“You know, we might have to record a final episode, Josh. If we’re really going to post them.”

“Yeah, maybe we can brainstorm some ideas after finals. Then when you have that big announcement thingy, maybe we can release the pod.”

“Josh, if you’re going to be a sports journalist or whatever, you can’t call it an announcement thingy.”

The family laughed good naturedly at my faux pas.

Cam and I cleaned up after dinner, and through the kitchen window we watched as the younger boys kicked a soccer ball, and Daniel and Camille sat at an outdoor table that rivaled the size of the one behind me in the kitchen. “When we have guests and the weather’s nice, we serve dinner out there instead of in here.”

“It seems like this would be a really special and unique vacation.”

Cam pinched my waist. “Yeah, until my dad starts groping you!”

It was weird sleeping in Cam’s childhood bed. I climbed in and tried to keep to my side, but Cam’s huge arm snaked under my waist and pulled me toward him until I was lying on his chest.

My phone dinged on the nightstand, and I rolled over to pick it up, showing Cam the photo of my niece on Hunter’s lap, with a broadly smiling Jamie behind them. My sister had sent the photo to the family chat and captioned it: Vee will have to wake Uncle Hunter up in the morning since Uncle Joshy’s God knows where.

I replied: Uncle Josh is somewhere where he can get a good night's sleep.

To which my brother Caid retorted: doubtful

I shoved the phone back in Cam’s face. “Look at my brother Jamie. I haven’t seen him smile like that in forever. Shit, I don’t remember him ever really smiling like that since, like, way before his wife died. I wonder what’s up with him.”

Cam kissed the top of my head. “I’ll get you up and out early on Sunday so you don’t miss the Easter Bunny.”

“Actually.” I sat up, and Cam followed. We were sitting cross-legged and facing each other. “I think I might want to go back early. I’m feeling pretty shitty about how much I’ve kept from Devon these past few months. I mean, he’s been acting weird, too, but that doesn’t excuse it. If you’re okay with it, I’ll head out tomorrow so I can tell him about us. Then maybe I can tell the rest of my family on Sunday. I don’t have to rush right out in the morning, though. I’ll help with mucking the stalls or whatever because I really want to watch you playing farmer boy before I bounce.”

Cam leaned in and kissed me before maneuvering us back to the bed, my head back on his chest. “You mean you want to watch me teach my boyfriend how to shovel shit out of a horse stall.”

“That’s not at all what I said.”

Cam ignored my comment. “Of course, you should go early and talk to Devon. I’m so sorry about all the secrets. But he’s your best friend, and you shouldn’t have to hide in front of him.”

“Maybe he’ll even tell me what’s up with him, cuz God knows, I have no idea what’s been going on with him these past few months. It’s like he’s a different person since he came back from Brooklyn.”

Campbell wrapped me tighter in his arms. “I’ll miss you, baby. But it’s time you told him, and your family. Let’s get some sleep and I’ll get you out of here by lunchtime tomorrow.” I closed my eyes and fell asleep to the rhythm of Campbell’s breathing.

I refrained from commenting that I usually only saw the sunrise if I’d been up all night as I followed Cam to the barn the next morning and had breakfast with the family before heading back to Hampstead.

I settled in the car and texted Devon before I took off. The message went undelivered, and I didn’t hear any notifications as I was driving. I set up my music app and searched for a charger wire since I’d forgotten to pack one and had been too distracted to ask Cam for one. Mom didn’t have one in the car, but I was pretty sure my phone could handle the GPS and a little music since the ride was only a bit more than an hour long.

I may have played some stupid headbanging rock on my way back, singing along like an idiot, excited to finally share with my best friend more of what I’d been going through since I’d met Campbell Ryan in HU’s physical therapy office all those months earlier.

I dropped the car at home and walked back to campus, my duffle bag slung over my arm and earbuds firmly in place.

The dorm was really quiet, with no activity in the lobby. I rode the elevator alone, singing softly about paying my dues as I exited and walked down the hall, anticipation building as I thought about talking to Devon. I picked up my pace and threw the door open as I sang along to my boyfriend’s playlist.

I had texted Cam as I was walking back to campus, and he’d texted me back as I was fishing out my key, so I was looking at my phone as our stupid door slammed loudly behind me.

There was rustling from Devon’s bed, and I was about to chide him about sleeping in when I noticed that my message to him was still unread. I finally looked up, realizing that Devon was not alone in his bed.

“About fucking time, Dev! I was worried about your dry spell,” I blurted. Devon and I were good about telling each other when we needed the room, but I had told him I wasn’t coming back until Sunday, and it wasn’t like it was the first time we’d walked in on each other. I was happy for the dude and decided to tell him so before slipping back out and leaving him to it.

“Dude! I’m kinda busy here!” There was subtle movement under the sheets, and much as part of me wished the guy would go so I could talk to my best friend, neither of them made a move. Guess I’d have to talk to Devon later.

Cam sent another text, and I sent a quick heart before responding to Devon.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll go. But this won’t take all day, right? We can hang later?”

“Dude!”

Not wanting to invade the guy’s privacy, I went from looking at my phone to looking at the floor, and that’s when I saw the toy I’d bought for Devon for his birthday the year before.

“Oh! You are having fun.”

“Josh, man! Get the fuck out of here!”

“Going! I’m going.” I took a step back before remembering. “Shit! My charger. Sorry, sorry.” Eyes averted I went to my side of the room, dodging the clothes that littered the floor. I sniggered, thinking about how I was usually the one to leave a mess all over our shared floor. I turned to leave, and as I did, the sheet covering most of Devon and his hookup fluttered, and I could see the man lying naked underneath my best friend.

I couldn’t look away. I really, really fucking wanted to, but disbelief held me there, like if I stared long enough, the unbelievable vision before my eyes would blip back to nonexistence.

“Josh …” I heard my name, and I knew it was my brother who said it. My eldest brother, my until-very-recently straight eldest brother. My eldest brother, who was naked in bed in my dorm room with my best friend.

Devon sat up and rested against the wall facing me, making sure his lap and Jamie’s remained covered. Jamie scooted into a seated position as well, resting on the wall at the head of the bed.

Devon said it next. “Josh.” I finally tore my eyes from the two of them and looked around the room, hoping to find someplace safe to lock on to. That’s when I saw it again. The teardrop that I had bought and that might have just come out of …

“Oh, fuck no. No. No. No.” I reminded myself of Campbell as my hands shot to my hair, and I ran my fingers through my locks. “What the fuck, Devon?! I fucking bought that for you!”

“Hey, Josh!” My brother had that tone that meant his next words would be angry ones. What the hell right did my brother have to be angry in that moment? I really felt like I was the only one in that room with the right to be angry.

Devon’s voice was calmer when he spoke from the bed he was sharing with my brother . “Let us explain, Josh.”

“Us? Us! What in the actual fuck? You’re … you … and you! I … how? No, God, don’t answer that, I can see how!” There was that righteous anger that I had every right to feel. I flung my finger toward the butt plug, pointing at it in dramatic fashion.

“Josh. Give us a minute to get dressed. Then we’ll talk,” Devon pleaded.

“Stop with the fucking ‘us.’ What the hell is going on here?”

“We were going to tell you, Josh. All of you, at brunch tomorrow. I am so sorry to have kept this from you, but Jamie wanted to come out first, and then we weren’t together, but then we were. Are. And we both agreed that we wanted to tell you this weekend. And Jamie wanted to tell you sooner, but I made him wait. Which was stupid.”

“So, what? You spend a month in New York, and you can’t turn on fucking Grindr? You have to take advantage of a lonely old ... er guy?”

“Josh!” my brother yelled again, and that’s when I realized that whatever the fuck was going on, me standing in the middle of our dorm room, the only one dressed while my brother and Devon tried to placate me, was not going to resolve anything. And then Jamie went and fucking said something even more shocking than Devon’s confession that he was dating my twenty-years-older brother.

Jamison Duncan fucking Gordon looked at my best friend as he assured me, “Josh, I appreciate your concern, but trust me, Devon is not taking advantage of me.” I looked at Devon as he returned my brother’s gaze. “I am right where I want to be.” I could practically see the hearts exploding from both of their sets of eyes. And I wanted to be happy for them, I really did, but I was still too shocked to process any of it.

I’d kept some things from Devon too. Some really important things, but after my drunken confessions over Thanksgiving, I didn’t think Devon would be surprised when I told him who I’d lost my heart to.

I was just really sad that Devon and I had been going through similar transformations right under each other's noses and hadn’t shared that with each other. And I was really sad that my eldest brother was finding his light again after being depressed for so long, and that he’d had to hide that light as well.

While I was thinking all of these deep thoughts, Devon was making a joke, and that just pissed me off all over again. “Well, maybe not right where you want to be.”

“Fuck this! Fuck! This! Collect up your toys and get out of my room, Jamie!”

My brother neither said nor did anything, but Devon thought another joke was in order. “My toy,” he mumbled.

There was more shouting, possibly only by me, and more apologies from my brother. He reminded me that my best friend was invited to Easter Sunday, and that they planned to announce that they were dating to the whole Marchetti-Gordon clan.

I reminded them that they should both fuck themselves and told them that I would not be in attendance.

“Have fucking fun with my family. They think I’m out of town anyway. I’ll tell them we got a late start heading back, and I have to miss brunch.” My anger may have waned, and by the time I got to the part about brunch, I was thinking about my niece and our family holidays and hating the thought of missing out. What started out as yelling ended in a sad whine as I finally fled from the room, letting that obnoxiously loud door slam out the last of my anger.