Page 32 of Jordan’s Breakthrough (Unexpected Love #3)

He’s right of course, so I let some of the guilt go.

A yawn sneaks up on me, and I don’t even try to hide it. “Monday can’t come soon enough.”

“I’m off Monday too.”

I smile a little. “Sounds like I have a phone date with a hot guy on Monday, then.”

“You have a phone date with a hot guy every night.”

“I know. I’m a lucky fool. Will you stay on the line while I fall asleep?”

Miles’ smile is instant. “I was hoping you’d ask.”

I head to bed, strip out of my clothes, then curl on my side, watching Miles. Clematis follows me, tucks herself against my stomach, and purrs softly. The gentle vibrations are soothing. Between that and Miles’ breathing, I fall asleep within seconds.

****

The screen has been on for hours. Literally hours .

Miles called me before ten this morning and now it’s nearly six.

He’s stretched out on his bed in mismatched socks again—one lime green, one black with little sushi rolls.

I’m on the couch, an Arrow episode playing on mute with subtitles on and a half-finished crochet square in my lap.

Miles convinced me I needed to try something other than mice.

He wasn’t wrong. Clematis has twenty of those now.

Clematis is softly snoring at my feet, one paw stretched out to touch me, like she’s trying to be a physical anchor for me.

We’ve been like this all day, just like we were last Monday. And the Monday before that. Hanging out while carrying on with our lives. Letting the distance shrink down to the size of a screen.

“Oh, shit!” Miles blurts. “My laundry finished hours ago!”

I chuckle. “Go get it. I’ll wait.”

While he’s gone, I make myself a ham and turkey sandwich, complete with tomato, lettuce, a healthy squirt of mustard, and the fresh jalapeno spread a customer gave me at work. It’s damn good, and I may need to hit him up for another jar next time I see him.

I’ve only let myself have take-out once since Miles left, and I was depressed as hell after. I don’t know if it was because of the food, but I haven’t wanted to try it again. Instead, I keep frozen meals on hand for when I have no energy. It’s not ideal, but it’s something.

When Miles returns, he’s dragging a canvas bag nearly as big as he is.

I arch an eyebrow. “Have you been ignoring your laundry or something?”

He huffs. “No. I got something.”

He dumps the bag on the bed, making Lily bolt. I see her tail disappear around the corner.

It takes him a moment to find what he’s looking for, then he holds it up, grinning big.

My heart seizes.

It’s a blanket with our picture on it! From Sunset Cliffs.

“Miles! That’s so cute.”

“You like it?”

“Yes! I want one.”

“Good, because this is actually yours,” he says sheepishly. “I bought it for you. But I’m going to snuggle it and sleep with it for a couple of weeks before mailing it to you.”

My eyes burn.

“And, I’m hoping it’ll make up for the sweatshirt I stole when I left,” he says quickly.

“Wait, that’s where it went? The green one? I’ve been looking for it.”

He hides his face. “Sorry! I just wanted something that smelled like you. And now, you’ll have something too. Until we can get together again.”

I swipe a finger under my eye. “I love you.”

We don’t say it often, because sometimes it hurts more than it helps. But I can’t help it. This is so thoughtful and sweet, and just exactly something Miles would do.

He leans in, filling the screen with his adorable and sweet round face. “I love you too.”

While he folds laundry, Miles and I start The Great British Bake Off together. I don’t enjoy the show as much as him, but I do enjoy listening to him bitch about the contestants. Who knew someone could get so emotional over a baking contest?

Miles stops folding a pair of scrub pants, face going red. “What are you… no! No! Oh, my god. Davis, you really need to learn how to knot the challah!”

I laugh. “Strong stance for someone who burned rice twice this week.”

“Hey! My pressure cooker betrayed me. That’s different.”

I grin. “Mm-hmm.”

“I think I need to replace it.”

“I think you just need to learn how to use it,” I say. He bought a multi-function Ninja cooker so he can roast and bake for himself, but the appliance has been testing his patience.

“Shut up.”

Shadows dance across my legs as the sun dips lower on the horizon. “I need to go water my plants soon.”

“Didn’t you this morning?”

“Yeah, but it’s so hot that some of them need it twice a day right now.”

Miles sighs. “I wish I had that problem. I’m struggling to keep mine alive here. Look.”

He grabs his phone and walks over to the window, where three leafy plants sit on a table. Two of them are yellowing.

“Oh no.”

“They don’t get enough light in this room.”

“I’m sorry. Can you change rooms?”

He considers it. “Maybe. Seems kind of silly to ask just for some plants, though.”

“Not when you’re living there, babe. They matter to you. Isn’t that what you’d say to me, if our roles were reversed?”

The corners of his lips turn up. “Yes, I would. Look at you. Growing and stuff.”

“I am. Growing and stuff.” Largely thanks to you.

Miles plops back on the bed. “You know, it is our day off…”

“Yeah?”

He tilts his head, playful. “I’m just saying. You’ve been tempting me all day sitting around in your underwear. Makes me want to… you know, have some video fun.”

My laugh gets lodged in my throat, and I quickly look down at my hands, still resting on the yarn. “I want to, Miles. I really do. But I also… don’t. Not right now, and not… lately, I mean.”

When he doesn’t reply, my stomach twists, making me feel a little sick. We haven’t had any on-screen fun since he returned to Salt Lake City, though I know he’s wanted to.

I sigh. “I haven’t felt anything at all since you’ve left, which is impossible since I daydream about us having sex like, every night.”

He chuckles, but it’s the truth. I fantasize about it all the time. It’s a wonder I haven’t gotten hard. Not once.

Our eyes meet through the screen as Miles props himself up on his elbows. “Have you… tried? On your own, I mean?”

“Yeah. Several times. But nothing happens.”

He’s quiet for a long moment. “Well, I’m not hurt about this,” he says gently. “You know that, right?”

“I am! And I’m annoyed with myself! I want to want it, but I just… can’t. God, that sounds so stupid.”

“You do want it, Jordan. It’s clear you do. The physical part of it just isn’t there.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“And it’s not stupid. It’s honest.” His tone is full of patience. “I wish I could make it better for you. Would it… maybe help to watch me? Or would that just frustrate you?”

“I don’t know.” I close my eyes, suddenly tired. I hate that my body stays two steps behind my heart. It should be natural to want to have sex with my boyfriend, right? So why can’t I? “I have the appointment in a few days. I’m gonna ask her about it.”

“Okay.” He touches the screen, like he wishes he was touching me. “That’s good, though. I’m really fucking proud of you, Jordan. I hope you know that.”

“I’m just sick of feeling this way.” My voice cracks, and I hate it. “It’s like everything else in my life, you know. Like I’m not… enough.” I can’t even be enough for the guy who is everything to me.

“Jordan, sweetheart. You are enough,” he says firmly. “Exactly as you are. And we’re enough, exactly as we are. With or without sex. None of that changes who you are to me.”

I stare at him for a moment. “It’s just so frustrating. Because I really enjoyed today. The whole thing, you know? I’ve felt happy, even if it’s not what we both want. So why can’t I feel that too?”

“I’ve enjoyed it too.”

“I’m sorry if I ruined it.”

“You didn’t. Can I say something, though?

Just for you to think about?” He sits up, holding his phone.

“I don’t think this is just your meds. I know that’s part of it.

We’ve experienced it. But Jord, I think you’re the kind of person who needs connection to be aroused too.

It’s why you felt it so strongly when we were together.

And maybe it’s why you’re not now.” His words linger, saying what we both don’t want to admit.

That even though it was a good day, it isn’t the same.

Trying to stay close through a screen isn’t the same as physically touching each other.

I exhale slowly. “Yeah. I’ve thought about that too, actually. Especially with how sudden it was that first day.”

“Exactly. There’s nothing wrong with that, or you. You trust me, right? You know I’m not upset or feeling like we’re missing something? You believe that I’m happy with you?”

“I do.”

“Good. I love you.”

I smile, blinking back tears. “I love you too.”

Miles lets his attention wander back to the TV, and within minutes, he’s cursing at the contestants again. It makes me grin.

At least I don’t have to show him the avocado coaster I’m attempting to make. It looks like something you’d find in a science lab.

Sometime later, we disconnect for the night, eyes tired from spending way too much time on the screen.

The ache lingers long into the night, but it’s not only the ache of distance or even feeling disconnected that’s bothering me.

It’s the ache of not being where I want to be yet.

It’s like I keep taking tiny steps forward when inside, I’m ready to leap.

But maybe soon it’ll change. Just a few more days until I talk to Dr. Briggs.

I hope she can help me, because I want more days like this. Every good and perfect moment with Miles. I want it all.