Page 10 of Jordan’s Breakthrough (Unexpected Love #3)

MILES

J ordan’s face darkens when I ask him about traveling, as quickly as flipping a switch

“I was going to travel,” he says eventually. “It was my dream. And I was excited to finally make it happen. Had a remote job lined up and was ready to go. But then, it all fell apart.”

I wait for him to explain. When he doesn’t, I press softly. I can tell this is a delicate place. Push too hard, and I could push him away for good. “Did something happen?” I focus on my hands, trying to lessen the pressure.

He sighs. “About a month before I was going to hit the road, my best friend died in a boating accident.”

Damn. Something like that, it changes you forever. “That’s terrible.”

Jordan looks away again, expression grim. “Yeah. Graham was like a brother to me.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It just changed everything, you know? Killed my desire to go on the road and left me emotionally numb. I couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t leave. Couldn’t do anything, to be honest. That’s when I bought a six-month lease in this trailer park, thinking I just needed time. But then I never left.”

He tilts his head when he thinks, like he’s remembering something. He gets lost in thought for a while, and I can tell he wants to say more, so I wait patiently, watching him process.

“I eventually changed jobs. Started working for Declan—he’s another close friend.”

“From your chosen family?”

He nods. “We weren’t really family then, though.

Declan was Graham’s partner before he died.

But Declan and I weren’t really close until after.

We just didn’t make the time to be. Then Graham left the bar to Declan in his will, and Declan needed help keeping it afloat, so Piper and I started working there. ”

“Is that where you’re working now?”

He nods again.

“Wow. I’m so sorry, Jordan. That must’ve been so difficult.” I wish I could reach through the screen to hug him.

“What makes it worse is, Graham kind of saved my life when I met him. That was," he tilts his head again slightly, letting his hair fall from where it lays on his shoulder, “thirteen years ago now. About two years after my dad died. My brother was in prison—still is. My sister went MIA right out of high school. I have no idea where she is or if she’s even still alive since she was into drugs. Haven’t talked to her at all. When my dad died, it crushed me. He wasn’t a great dad by any means, but he was what I had.

Then I went on a spontaneous trip to Santa Monica for a music festival and met Graham.

We just kind of hit it off.” His face changes.

“Not like that, I mean. We weren’t lovers or anything.

He was literally twenty years older than me, so he took me in like a big brother.

” Jordan sighs. “Anyway, he was my best friend for about nine years until he died.”

I don’t know what to say. Jordan’s grief is suffocating. “But you and Declan are close now?”

“Yeah. We’re family. I mean, Piper was Graham’s half sister, but we all became family after he died. Dec’s new partner too.”

“Declan’s dating again?”

“Engaged, actually. He had it pretty rough for a while, but he finally met a new guy, and yeah, he’s happy again. I really like him. Seth’s good for Dec.”

“He’s the one with the son?”

“Yeah, he’s twenty-four.”

I draw a family tree in my head, mentally connecting all the dots together, just like I do with my patients. “Good. That’s good. I’m glad he’s happy again.”

When he doesn’t say anything else, I ask, “Do you still want to travel?”

Jordan doesn’t reply for a long time. He stares at something off screen, before making a pspsps sound. A moment later, he picks Clematis off the floor.

“I don’t know,” he says finally. “I really don’t. I think about it now and it just… I don’t know if I can.”

“Because of Declan and Piper?”

“No, they’d be fine. And the business is going well. It would be fine without me now.”

“Then why?”

He bites his lower lip, long dark hair falling over his shoulder.

“I think, because I wouldn’t be able to share it with him ,” he says simply.

“I think that’s the thing that guts me the most, Miles.

Graham is the one who planted the seed. He used to do it before we met, so he had all these stories of his own trips.

On foot, then on his boat. He saw the whole fucking world.

Did things I could only dream of. He was only starting to settle down when I met him, so he talked about it all the time.

I think it just kindled a fire in me, you know? ”

“Yeah.” I pull a knee up, listening.

“Anyway, sorry. I don’t mean to be a downer.”

“No, don’t apologize. I like hearing about your life. What was your remote job? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“I was a ghost writer, actually. For a few different authors.”

My eyes widen. “No way, really?”

He nods. “Made good money doing it too.”

“That’s so cool. Do you still write?”

He lets Clematis go. “Not anymore.”

“Why not?”

“I… can’t.”

“Can’t, or don’t want to?” I ask gently.

“Can’t.” His voice holds conviction. “I try, but nothing comes. It’s like there’s a block now. Or my muse is dead.”

“Oh, no. I’m so sorry.”

He sighs. “What’s worse? I was working on my own series before Graham died too.

I have two books finished, and another planned.

I had an agent and everything who was trying to get me published.

But then Graham… and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

It fell apart, like everything else. So I told my agent to withdraw my submissions. ”

“Oh, Jordan.” My heart breaks for him. “That’s awful! You shouldn’t give up on it.”

“I’m not. I miss it. Truly, I do. Writing was a big thing to me for a long time. I have a notebook I keep trying to write in, but nothing comes. It’s not there.”

“It is. You just need to find it again.”

He shrugs. “Maybe.”

A white tail swishes just offscreen, like Clematis is lying beside Jordan. I wish so badly I could be in her place. I want to comfort him.

“Have you been able to travel at all since Graham died?”

Jordan goes quiet for a moment, his eyes misty. I almost don’t think he’s going to answer, but then he does. “I’ve gone to Joshua Tree National Park a couple of times, but only for a weekend. I wanted to watch the stars.”

“Then maybe that’s what you need to do. Go on a trip to get your muse back?

Or to get yourself back.” When Jordan grimaces, I quickly backpedal.

“I don’t mean that like you’re broken or anything.

Please don’t take it that way. I do not and would never think of people with mental illness as broken.

But clearly you’re broken hearted and that’s different, hon. You’ve got to find a way to heal.”

Jordan’s dark eyes pierce like an arrow. He says nothing. But the eye contact between us starts to be too much, like I might fall to pieces if it goes on for a second longer. Or if it stops.

“You can come visit me,” I say to ease the tension. “I can be your test run to see how it goes. Salt Lake City is probably what, ten hours from there to here?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“Then there you go! A day’s drive.”

“I’d do it in two.”

“Okay, two then. But still. There’s even an RV park by the hospital for families who travel here to see our specialists. I can look into it for you?”

Jordan doesn’t reply.

“Or not. I won’t push you.”

He hasn’t smiled at all, has hardly even embraced the idea, so I clearly should let it go. He probably wouldn’t want to come visit me, anyway. But maybe by mentioning it, I can plant a seed for him. Get the ball rolling so he can try going somewhere . He needs to find his muse again.

“I hear you,” Jordan says finally. “I just don’t know if I’m ready.”

“I know. I get it.”

“No, I mean, I literally don’t know if I can. I’d need to talk to Declan about taking some time off. And then, I don’t know. Still…” he trails off.

I get what he’s saying even when he doesn’t say it. But people don’t suddenly become depressed, unless it’s situational like mine was. Jordan sounds like he’s had it maybe his whole life, so the struggle shouldn’t be new.

“How does your depression change anything?” I ask gently.

Jordan hesitates, like he’s surprised that I put the pieces together. When he speaks again, his voice is low. “I was only diagnosed about two and a half years ago. My treatment is fairly new.”

Oh. Wait, Jordan went that long without treatment? “What made you wait?”

He scoffs. “Pride? Fear? Denial? Fuck if I know. I was a mess, honestly. And I shouldn’t have ever considered traveling. Not alone, anyway. I could barely manage myself, let alone my life. I would’ve lost everything if I went.”

“Okay, but that was before. You’re getting care now, and you’re doing better, aren’t you?”

Isn’t he? I suddenly realize I don’t know Jordan well enough to be encouraging this at all. I shouldn’t be telling him to take time off or go on a trip across three states if he’s not ready for it.

“Yeah, but I still struggle. Obviously. ” He says this last part with bitterness.

Like it really should be that obvious to me that he isn’t okay, but it isn’t.

Jordan’s seemed sad a few times, but not depressed.

“But yeah, maybe I am. I guess. I don’t know.

Fuck.” He groans. “I was a total fuck up before getting diagnosed, Miles. Like an honest-to-God mess. I don’t know how Graham or anyone put up with me.

I thought I was just an emotional guy, someone who felt every little thing.

My dad made me believe that too. He never believed in mental illnesses, so he never had me checked out.

Said that shit was just in the head. Not real. ”

The more I hear about his dad, the more I hate him. Parents are supposed to advocate for their children, not let them suffer.