Page 48 of Jonas (Silver Team #4)

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

“That feels good,” I groaned as Jonas tenderly massaged my shoulders with soapy hands.

“Not too hard?”

“Perfect.”

More than perfect, actually; it felt like heaven. He was carefully working the knots out, and in doing so, lessening the ache from when my shoulder had been wrenched out of its socket then shoved back into place.

Shockingly, Keith hadn’t done much damage to my ankles. There were just two thin slices that thankfully weren’t deep, but they’d hurt like a bitch when he’d sliced them along with the ties.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” he gently inquired.

“No. But we should talk about what you’re feeling.”

He kept the pressure steady and continued to knead down my back.

“You were right. I blame myself. I feel guilt for sitting outside while you were taken?—”

“Jonas—”

“Let me finish, baby. If you put yourself in my shoes, you’d feel the same.

That’s not going to ever change. I won’t ever stop thinking about everything I should’ve done differently.

But I also won’t ever forget what you said to me before you got out of the car.

You were right, we have memories to make, more kisses to share, nights making love, morning showers, swims in the creek, falling in love to do, and loads of other stuff.

That’s what I’m going to concentrate on.

I’m going to be grateful you’re here, standing in this tiny-ass shower with me.

And tonight, when you fall asleep in my arms, I’m gonna thank the universe for not taking you away from me. ”

I was thankful I was facing away from him so he couldn’t see my tears.

He remembered what I said, I think almost verbatim, and if not exactly what I’d said, he hadn’t left anything out.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“You can tell me anything.”

“I jumped ahead and already started the falling in love part.”

“That’s good, Dee Dee, seeing as this afternoon I realized the falling part is over for me, which means I’m here to catch you when you’re ready.”

Did he say…

Does that mean…

“You love me?” I whispered.

Jonas carefully turned me. Not only because he was being excruciatingly gentle with me, but also because the shower stall was so small we were squished in like packed sardines.

“It’s you, Dee Dee. From the very beginning, it was always going to be you.

There’s no one else, never could be. I don’t need months or years to know.

I don’t need time for my head to catch up with my heart and soul.

When it’s right, it’s right. And baby, this…

what we have is the definition of right. ”

“You’re right,” I lamely said.

“I know I am.”

Well, that was definitive and right .

I don’t know how long we stood there in the lukewarm water that was cooling off faster than it was staying warm, but it was long enough for me to memorize the flecks of gray in Jonas’s eyes, how long his lashes were, and the small scar in his left brow that was barely noticeable unless you knew it was there.

Long enough for me to savor the feel of his strong arms wrapped around me, holding me steady.

Long enough to fully come to the understanding I was alive, and starting now I got to live a life knowing what it felt like being loved by Jonas.

“I need to get you out of this shower,” he said, breaking the spell.

There wasn’t much space between us, still I pressed forward, fusing us together, and held on.

“One more minute.”

Jonas did what he’d always done and gave me what I wanted—no, what I needed .

It wasn’t until I felt the icy water splashing over Jonas’s big body that I reached around him and turned off the spigot.

“You should’ve told me how cold the water is.”

“Baby, that was nowhere near Navy SEAL cold.”

I pulled back and tipped my chin up so I could look at him.

“Is that a thing?” I asked.

“Is what a thing?”

“Navy SEAL cold.”

“Hell yeah, it’s a thing.”

My face must’ve telegraphed my disbelief because he continued, “When you’ve laid in the surf for hours while freezing your balls off and ocean water pounds your face and your body goes numb, and your teeth are jackhammering so hard you’re courting a chipped tooth, when you live through it, you’ve earned Navy SEAL cold. ”

None of that sounded like fun.

Actually, it sounded like torture.

“I don’t have balls, so if it were me lying in the surf for hours, I think I’d be less concerned about freezing and more concerned about how I was going to remove all that sand from my vagina.”

Jonas’s laugh bounced and echoed around the small bathroom. Another boon, something else to savor—I was alive to hear his laugh. But ever better, I was alive to feel it.

I was in Jonas’s t-shirt, with my unbruised cheek resting on his chest, and our legs tangled together.

This or some variation of this was how I wanted to fall asleep every night.

“How’d you become an investigator?”

Crazily enough, I’d never told anyone this story, and for some silly reason I loved that Jonas would be the first person who knew.

“You know I dropped out. I got my GED because I thought I wanted to be a paralegal. I was taking classes at a community college while working in a grocery store as a checker and in a small law office as a file clerk.”

“Two jobs and school, that had to be rough.”

“I had nothing better to do with my time,” I sheepishly admitted. “I needed the money and had no friends. Especially in the beginning when I was renting a room from this creepy dude. I wanted out, so I worked as many hours as I could.”

“Creep how?” he growled.

Damn, but I totally loved this man.

“It was a long time ago, honey. And he never touched me or anything like that. He had wandering eyes and would offer me to stay with him in his room, since mine didn’t have a window shaker and there was no AC.

Obviously, I never took him up on his gross offer.

And I was only there three months. Once I turned eighteen and could sign a lease and had money, I got an apartment.

“I also figured out I didn’t want to be a paralegal.

Not because it wasn’t a good job, but after I met the firm’s investigator, I knew that’s what I wanted to do.

Actually, it was a husband-and-wife team.

I met the wife first. We started talking one day and she quickly deduced I was lost and alone and asked me to lunch.

She told me about her job, and encouraged me to stay on my path to become a paralegal, but it was too late. I wanted to be her .

“It took me a whole year and graduating with my associate’s for Eden to agree to hire me as their office manager.

While I ran the office, she and her husband, Joel, started teaching me what they did.

Another year working with them and they started giving cases—easy ones like cheating spouses.

But I learned how to blend in without being caught, I learned how to bribe and talk my way into places.

Later, they gave me corporate cases and started sending me in undercover.

That first job was an education. It’s one thing to follow someone and not get caught, it’s another to take on a whole new persona and sell it.

“I’d worked with them a little over eight years when they told me I was ready to be on my own, and they handed me their business and moved to Guam to retire.

I rarely hear from them, not because they’re not the closest thing to family I have, but because they’re always off-grid on some adventure. They love life and live it fully.”

“They taught you well, baby.”

“Thanks. Where’d you go after you left home at fifteen?” I asked him.

“My dad’s parents. They were older; it was a burden taking me in but they did.

They were good people who’d raised a good son, and I was in desperate need of some good in my life.

Still, I knew I couldn’t stay with them longer than I had to.

When I was eighteen, I joined the Navy. The military provided three hots and a cot and direction.

I needed all three. Turns out I was good at it, following orders, being part of a team, doing something that made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile.

“It took me two years to get a spot to go to BUD/s. I was totally unprepared. Had no fucking clue what tough really was. I was so close to ringing out. So fucking close that to this day, if I think about it, I can still taste the defeat I felt. None of the instructors in BUD/s are your friends. Their entire existence is to make your life a living hell, to beat you down, mentally break you. And damn if I wasn’t beaten the hell down.

But there was this one guy, total prick, the hardest out of all of the instructors.

I hated the dude. When I closed my eyes I had dreams of punching him in the face.

“But he knew I was on the edge and was going to quit. One day after a run, I was bent double, sucking in air like it was the last breath I’d ever get, wondering how I was going to live my life knowing I was quitter.

He walks over to me, kicks fucking sand at my shins, and tells me he’ll take me out for pizza and beer if I go ring the bell.

I kept sucking in air, and this asshole continues to taunt me with the most ridiculous shit, calling me a pussy, telling me I won’t make it past hell week, I’m gonna drown, just keeps going.

Finally, I couldn’t take any more and stood up ready to beat the hell out of this guy, and as soon as he caught my eye, he leaned in close and said, ‘That’s the fire you need to get through the next six months, boy.

You lose it again you won’t have to ring out, I’ll boot your ass.

’ Then he gave me what might still be the single best piece of life advice.

Life’s a numbers game. One second to one minute to one hour.

Even a weak-ass punk can survive an hour in the shit.

Then you start your clock over. The three minutes he gave me with his shitty pep talk spared me from a lifetime of regret. ”

“That was cool of him to talk to you.”

“It was. He’s the same man who recruited me to the Special Activities Division—well, now they call themselves Special Activities Center. I guess the acronym SAD wasn’t the best look for a group of door kickers at the CIA.”

“You were with Ground Branch when you went undercover, right?”

“Yep. Me, Easton, Cash, Smith, and Garrett. Shit went bad on a mission, Garrett left, then when we went under as Patheon, Theo joined.”

I loved that he had such a tight bond with his teammates.

“It’s good you have your brothers.”

Jonas went quiet. I gave him time, but when he didn’t speak, I guessed, “You’re worried about Cash.”

“We all are. We’ve been waiting for an in, but he’s not giving us one, so it’s almost time we force a conversation that we all know isn’t going to end well, mostly because Cash is the master of disguise and he will not be happy when we call him on his shit.”

“Sometimes tough love is in order.”

“Yeah, baby.”

His fingers on my hip started making slow circles. An intimate, sweet touch I liked a whole lot. So much so, I wanted to take us out of the heavy.

But first, I had to get Jonas to agree.

I untangled my legs from his, he immediately complied but looked down at me. I ignored the question I could read in the dim light coming from the hall. I threw my leg over his thighs and rolled on top of him.

“Dee Dee?—”

“Did I say thank you for saving me today?”

“Baby,” he groaned.

“I can’t remember if I did. But I remember the relief I felt seeing your boots. I remember feeling safe once you were there. I remember feeling grateful I wasn’t taken from this life so soon after finding you.”

“Derrika,” he whispered.

I planted my palms on his chest and brushed my lips over his. “Make love to me, honey.”

“You’re—”

“Yours. I’m yours, Jonas. You won’t hurt me. Please, honey, make love to me.”

Jonas’s hands came up, carefully cradled my face, and kissed me.

This wasn’t one of his hot and heavy, claiming kisses. It wasn’t deep and commanding. It was soft and gentle and just right.

When he was done with my mouth, he broke the kiss to whisper, “Shirt off, Dee Dee.”

I scrambled to do his bidding and tossed the shirt over my shoulder.

“No need to rush, baby, we got all night.”

We totally had all night. But still, Jonas didn’t delay getting me ready, though like his kiss, his touches were slow and reverent. Caresses and glides instead of urgent and desperate.

By the time Jonas was done playing, I was panting, but still when I guided him where I needed him, I whispered, “I love you.”

When I was fully seated with him inside of me, he whispered back, “I love you, too.”