Page 24

Chapter 18

Shed Feathers…

BIRDIE

A Year and a Half Later…

Angel: How you holding up baby cousin?

Birdie: I’m good over here… how are my babies?

Angel: Girl… don’t get me started. How is Shawn?

Birdie: He’s growing every day.

Angel: Send a picture… I miss that newborn smell…

Birdie: I’m so shocked he still has it!

Birdie:

Angel: Ahhhh he is just too cuttteee!”

Birdie: Right?! I cannot believe Saw and I could make something so dang on adorable… especially doing all that nasty shit.

Angel: Look! That be the best damn part!

Birdie: Oh God… I used to think about it so much but now it’s just painful.

Angel: Do you still think he’s alive?

I pause, looking at her text and chewing my lip. I ask myself that same damn question multiple times a day and no matter what, the answer remains the same.

Birdie: Yes…

Angel:

Birdie: Without a doubt I know Saw is out there…

Angel: Now that’s what the fuck I’m talking ’bout you better ride for your man!

Birdie: He might be an asshole but he’s my asshole…

Angel: Now baby cousin… he’s a lil more than an asshole… lol but I’ma let that slide.

Birdie: Hey!

Angel: Lol I was just saying.

Birdie: like I need a reminder. I hear that shit to this day on the damn news.

Birdie:

Angel: Well, keep your head up, baby cousin. No matter what, I got your back and trust me… he ain’t that bad. I done met some really fucked up mother fuckers on Channing’s side of the family… them some real beasts. The kind I’d tell you to run from…

Damn… what kind of people has she been around for her to say someone like Saw ain’t that bad?

Birdie: Damn you have to tell me about that one day.

Angel: I’ll introduce you to my in-laws and they can tell you. We’ll be in Texas soon so you can meet them then.

Birdie: Okay! I look forward to it.

Angel and I text a bit more before I hear my baby cry, and I go around the counter to the play pen. I peek in and smile when I see he’s watching me with his dark brown, damn near black eyes like his daddy.

“Peek a boo! I see you!” I tickle my baby’s tummy, listening to his sweet giggles as my brother walks into the bakery with gifts in hand.

“Hey, Robbie,” he grins coming up, tryin to hug me, but I step out of the way, causing him to frown, though I try to placate him by helping him with the bags, “How you been?”

“I’m good. How are you?” I ask, standing and swiping my hands over my jeans.

“Cassidy and I are good, but hell, we’re the ones who should be asking you that,” he smirks after swiping his nephew up. “Shawn! How uncle’s little guy?!” He pretends to eat his hands before throwing him in the air lightly before catching him.

“What do you mean by we are the ones you should be asking that? Shawn and I are good as well,” I frown, going over to the register to count, only to have him raise a brow before setting my handsome baby boy into the playpen.

“I think you know exactly what I mean,” he grins and I reel back, rolling my eyes, knowing exactly where this conversation is going.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t,” I disregard him and get to counting the cash as he hands Shawn the toy he bought him out the gift bag, which lights up my baby’s face and squeezes at my heart. He looks just like him…

“You promised,” he sighs, and I snort.

“I don’t remember doing anything like that,” I mutter, and he comes over to the counter, placing his hand over mine, but I jerk back, looking away when I see the pain in his eyes. I can’t help it… it’s still uncomfortable having other men touch me… even if they are family.

Never, and I mean fucking never… let a man other than me touch what belongs to me.

His wrathful hushed words still cause shivers down my spine as the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end, forcing me to hold back a moan. I miss him even more today than I did the day I woke up in the hospital.

“Robbie, are you paying attention?” Marcus questions and I blink, snapping out of my stupor and glancing back over to him.

“H-huh…” I shake my head, and he frowns.

“Damn Robbie, I thought with time you would get back to your normal self, but you still don’t seem well. Have you been taking your medicine?” he asks, and I throw him a glare that has him jumping back with fear in his eyes. “I… I was o-only asking…” he stammers, and I sigh, closing my eyes.

That happens more often than not these days. Not that I’m interested in any of the weak mother fuckers who try to approach me, but the moment I throw them a glare, they run off scared. My family says I have become unapproachable and that I will die alone, but I don’t give a shit.

The old me is dead… she died in that cabin only to be reborn as someone who’ll take no one’s shit.

They say I’ve changed, but in reality, it’s not that I have changed at all. Rather, I’m not the pushover that I once was, and since I don’t suit their needs anymore, they have all discarded me. They think I care, but I don’t. All I need is my adorable baby Shawn and Saw’s memory to keep me going.

“Of course, I’m taking my medication. I would never stop. I have Shawn to think about, so I can’t afford to fall off into a depression,” I let him know and he rubs the back of his head.

“G-good… I’m glad, but speaking of what you can’t afford… shouldn’t you be thinking about not flaking on the date that I set you up on with my business partner?” Marcus presses, and I grit my teeth. He’s been trying to get me to see this guy for the past few months, but I have refused adamantly because I do not want to meet him. I don’t care how wealthy he is. I’m spoken for.

“I changed my mind,” I respond nonchalantly as I continue counting and Marcus bangs his hand on the counter.

“Why? You promised!” He massages his head, and I shrug, not wanting to explain myself to him or anyone else. It’s not as if they would understand. They all think I’ve gone crazy since my time with Saw, but they couldn’t be further from the truth. I have never known myself more than I do now… the time I spent with him, even when I wasn’t aware, I had never felt so alive.

“Marcus, I did promise, but I’m just not there… and honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be. I still love Sa?—”

“YOU CAN’T KEEP BEING THIS WAY! THAT SICK MOTHER FUCKER IS DEAD!” Calmly, I set the money down with my eyes on him, pressuring him to back up, “Look, sis, I get it. They said you were brainwashed by that crazy mother fucker, so I’ve been giving you a space to get yourself together, but you have to think about Shawn! He will need a man in his life.

He needs a father and you forcing yourself to be a single parent while running off all the men we try to set you up with isn’t get you anywhere,” he admonishes.

“Who said I needed to get anywhere? I’m content where I am.” I sneer, and he looks away.

“Sis, where are your ambitions? You had such goals and?—”

“They flew off the bridge, crashing and burning with my m?—”

“HE WAS NEVER YOUR MAN! THAT MOTHER FUCKER HELD YOU CAPTIVE, RAPED YOU, AND LEFT YOU IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION AND PREGNANT! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY!” he shouts.

“YOU WATCH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” I warn.

“FUCK NO! YOU HAVE LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?!” he yells and slams his hand on the desk, scaring Shawn, who starts to cry.

“Damn it! Thanks for that,” I roll my eyes, pushing past him over to my baby, picking him up and holding him tight, singing to him.

“Fuck, Robbie… are you hearing yourself?! Are you paying attention?”

“I do hear myself, and I can hear you as well, asshole, but that doesn’t mean I have to listen,” I remind him.

“But you should. It’s time to stop letting that sick bastard run you from hell. It’s time you move on.”

“Impossible.” I shake my head, setting down Shawn, kissing the top of his tiny curly head while cupping his cheek. I never wanted to be a mother. I found it burdensome and boring when I already had family to take care of, but Saw gave me this gift… one last piece of him. The only thing tethering me to this world.

If not for this, my precious little baby, I would have made my way to where Saw is… no, to where my Owner is…

I blink, and tears fall, shocking me, but I quickly wipe them, not wanting Shawn or my brother to see me cry. My baby has never seen me falter… not once, and he never will. I want to be strong for him, even if I feel weak and at my limit. He deserves a mother that will forgo all the bullshit in her life to make him happy, and that’s what I want to give him even if I’m running on fumes since my person… my one and only isn’t here to breathe life into me.

“Impossible? Really? Is that all you have to say? There’s a good man willing to take away your pain and help you raise Shawn, and you’re going to turn him down because of a nigga that raped you?” he sneers in disgust and my heart pounds in my chest as pain claws at my stomach.

Honestly, I’m sick of this same ol’ tired ass conversation. I’ve been hearing it since I woke up. Saw this, that asshole that… yeah yeah yeah… I get it. But they don’t. I was in control… Saw threatened me and did all those things to me, yes… but God… I loved it. Every moment his hands were on me felt like a blessing, and I can’t even afford to think about the way he fucked me. No man… and I mean absolutely no man, is capable of rendering me into nothingness like my Owner.

With a look, I wanted to drop to my knees, and a kiss on my neck sent my pussy dripping down my leg. How can anyone get over that feeling? That level of dominance and possession? Now I have to think of myself and be the strong Black woman as per fucking usual. I’m tired and I know getting with another nigga ain’t going to change that notion. He’s just going to tire me the fuck out in life and in the bedroom with his selfish ass.

“Marcus, just give up. I don’t want to see a man who will want to turn me into their mother. I already have a baby. I don’t need another one.” I’m done with these tired ass, what do you bring to the table ass niggas. Hell, Black, white, Asian… it don’t matter. They are all the same. That fifty-fifty shit is just not what I want. If I give my one hundred outside, I want to be zero in the bed. I want my nigga to take me like a monster and slake his lust on me in a giving way, but no guy knows what those words mean. Saw did.

They want me to give up on him, but I can’t. I still desire him. I still feel him… I still dream about him fucking me in that cabin. I still…

“Just meet him. Please.” Hearing the desperation in his tone makes my stomach drop and my heart ache… a little. I don’t want to, but… how can I not when Marcus is asking so sincerely?

“I….”

“Please!” He puts his hands together, pleading. “Fucking please, Robin. I want you to get better and get back to your old self. Just meet him… he’s a good man, and he’ll be good role model for Shawn,” he begs, and I swallow, feeling nauseous as I nod.

“I… uhm… if y-you think it’ll be g-good for Shawn, then I will,” I stammer, body trembling as I touch my belly where Saw tattooed his name.

They tried to get me to remove it. Some billionaire even offered to pay to have it removed after hearing my story, but I will never let it go. That’s another reason I know I could never date anyone else. What man would be okay with knowing their partner is owned wholly and completely by someone else?

“It will! YES!” he pumps his hand in the air as if he’s completed some amazing feat by coercing me to not renege on this. “You’re going to love him! He’s an amazing man and worthy of you.” He beams and my heart quakes disgusted at the thought.

“I’m sure he is.” But amazing men aren’t my type…

“As a matter of fact…” he goes around the counter, taking the cash I’d set down and placing it to the side before he grabs my purse, leaving Shawn’s diaper bag, then coming back around and handing it to me. “Take this, go home, and get yourself together.”

“Get myself together? What about Shawn? I can’t ju?—”

“I already told you that Cassidy and I will watch Shawn tonight. He can play with his baby cousin,” he beams, and that at least makes me happy because Shawn loves going over to their house. Marcus ended up rekindling his love with his baby mama and they got married not long before he and I opened the bakery.

I only invested in it because I had nothing better to do with all the money the state paid me after I sued for pain and suffering. I did that shit primarily because I was outraged they made Saw leave me. I know he’s not dead. He would never leave me.

Not only is my bank account bigger, but my child also has a trust fund paid for by the same fuckers that killed his father, and even after putting away one-third of the one hundred and twenty-five million dollars I was awarded, I still had plenty to do whatever I wanted to.

I might be down bad for my nigga but I’m not stupid. They must have thought I was when my family members tried to pull that conservator shit so they could take over caring for me and gain access to my money.

Hell, my whole family tried coming for it, but I protected it, invested it in places where I have gained huge profits, bought somewhere nice for Shawn and me, and even started a company with my baby as the model so he’s getting his own paycheck and will be good no matter what happens to me.

With all that happening, I don’t have time to be worried about anything else let alone my looks, which I still maintain.

“Thank you for watching him, but I need you to explain that getting yourself together part.”

“You can’t be serious,” he frowns, looking me up and down, shaking his head.

“Excuse you, but I am very serious. What’s wrong with how I look now?”

“All I want to say is… the old you would never,” I reel back, offended because I might be down bad on how much I miss Saw, but I still keep myself well-kempt. Saw loved that about me.

I wear my hair like he liked it in the cabin, in two puffballs with a zigzag part. When he allowed me to wear clothes, he loved when I would wear the dresses in the cabin, with no panties of course since he always demanded easy access unless we were outside.

“Baby sis, you look nice and all, but don’t you think it’s high time you retire those damn puff balls? That’s the only way you wear your hair now and has been for the last two years.

Go to the salon and get your hair straightened.” But Saw liked my hair like this. “Go get your nails done.” Saw said that was impractical. “Go buy some new makeup and a new dress that shows more.” Saw liked me natural and told me not to show what belongs to him unless I have expressed permission!

Those were… no, they ARE the rules, and I will not break them. Daddy’s word is law!

“Sure,” I smile, though they don’t reach my eyes and make him grimace.

“Oh, and note to self sis, make sure you avoid smiling like that at people… it’s creepy,” he tells me, but I curl my lip, going over my baby and kissing him once more.

“Whatever,” I grunt, peeking down at my baby boy. “Now, Shawn, you be a good boy for your uncle, okay? Mommy will be back to pick you up tonight.” I snuggle him close, and he stares up at me, blinking and cocking his head to the side.

“Mama weavin’?” My heart clenches, and I almost decide not to go, but Marcus comes over and picks him up gently but firmly.

“Yes, Shawn, your mama is going to find you a daddy,” Marcus smiles, but Shawn frowns and adamantly shakes his head.

“No! Shawnny got dada!” my heart trembles in my chest and I glare at Marcus because Shawn is right. Every night, I tell him about how much I love his father and how much I miss him. I know Saw was a hardcore man, but I have no doubt he would not have shirked his responsibilities when it came to his child. He would have taken care of him… he would have taken care of us. All this money be damned, I’d give it up just to get him back.

“You’re right, hunny. You already have a dada and he loves you and me very much.”

“Robin!” Marcus sneers, pulling my baby away from me. “What the hell have you been telling my nephew about that son of a b?—”

“HEY!” I growl, curling my lip. “You watch what the hell you say around my son about his father!”

“I was o—” I hold up a hand before covering my baby’s ears, leaning in and whispering.

“I don’t give a damn what you were doing. Don’t bring my baby into this! Or you and I will have problems,” I level him with a look, and he frowns, leaning back and glaring.

“Robbie… this… you can’t be serious. I’m only trying to help.”

“No, you’re trying to run my life.” I grasp my purse and take my baby, saying “fuck it” to this date. It’s not like I want to go anyway. “I don’t give a damn if you agree or not. Neither me or Shawn are your children, and you will not handle us however you please!” I go over to grab my baby diaper bag, but Marcus stops me by grabbing the bag. I turn to face him, seeing he’s got sadness in his eyes.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said those things.”

“Yeah…”

“But please… still meet him. He’s a great guy… he’s been looking forward to meeting you for months now,” he pleads, and I take an exasperated breath. “Please Robin, I’ll never ask you to do something like this again… just please.” My heart thumps in my chest and I deflate, closing my eyes and letting out a sigh.

“Fine…” I groan, and he snatches Shawn from my arms so damn quick I get whiplash as he pushes me over to the door.

“Good. Now go home and get dressed. Wear what you want, but no matter what, go! ” he warns, and I look from Shawn to LaMarcus, groaning before leaving out the door, hearing Marcus lock it immediately behind me. Ughhhh!

Quickly, I make the drive home, noticing there are a few news vans parked out front as there usually are. Even though it has been two years, everyone wants to know what happened in that cabin.

They have offered me millions for the inside scoop on what happened between the mass murderer known to the world as one of the youngest men to be tried as an adult for gruesomely killing and dismembering his victims’ body parts with a hand saw before mailing them off to their respective family members.

I mean… sorry to those people, but I’m on Saw’s side. If he did it, then it was for a reason. Saw might be intense, but his actions always have a purpose. He’s the eye for an eye type of man so it must have been for a reason. Hell, even if it wasn’t, then… I hate myself even more for saying it, but I plead the fifth just like I said to those people who tried to get me to talk about the happenings in the cabin and the bodies they found.

They wanted me to say it was Saw, but I spoke not nary a word. I just let them assume, even if it hurt hearing them talk shit about the man I love down to the very core of my being. There were some gossip blogs that just wouldn’t shut up about Saw being trash and me aiding and abetting a criminal for a few months. Thank God they’re quiet now.

Sighing, I pull into my home and throw the keys down, sighing, going to get dressed, uncaring of what I pull on before I make my way to the location my brother texted me. Though I frown when I see it’s some fancy place and I roll my eyes before going inside, where I’m immediately greeted by a host.

“Good afternoon, ma’am. How may I help you?”

“I’m here to meet a Mr. James?” I let her know and her eyes light up before nodding and coming around.

“Oh! Of course! Right this way!” she smiles and leads me over to the back, where I see a wide-shouldered man sitting at low-lit table. When he notices us approaching, his stunning light grey eyes go wide, and he swallows as I feel his eyes take me in, and a shudder escapes me.

It’s the first time my body has responded to a man in the two years since Saw, and that shocks me.

He stands, buttoning his suit, and I take him in with a frown, noticing he’s about the build of my Owner and also has a commanding aura, albeit nicer…

“Ms. Grey, i… it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” He holds out his hand, but I don’t take it.

“Likewise.” I look him up and down, trying to figure him out. He reminds me so much of Saw, but different.

He places his hand down at his side, to my surprise, not intimidated at all by my not falling in line with his act of chivalry. I walk by the rules of my Owner, even in front of a man that seems so like him.

“Why don’t you have a seat? I’ll order something for the both of us.” He takes a seat and lifts his hand, immediately catching the attention of a waiter, at which point he orders smoothly and effortlessly in French. “I hope you don’t mind, but I ordered for us. I ordered you shrimp. If you don’t like it, please let me know, and I’ll get you something else,” he smiles bright, causing me to flinch at his attractiveness.

“Do as you will,” I state, picking up the pitcher of water a waiter brought over and pouring it into a crystal glass.

“I will. Thank you.” His voice rumbles around me as I take a sip and feel his gaze slowly take me in once more. “Wow… you are simply stunning. The pictures your brother showed me do you no justice, even though you were gorgeous in those as well.”

“Thank you,” I set the glass down, already bored. I see he’s got an aura like Saw, but he’s not like him at all. My Owner would never ask me if I was okay with him ordering for me. I would never have a choice. He’d order for me, and I’d eat it just because he wanted me to.

My Owner would have already made me crawl under this table to suck his dick while he drank his wine and fed me cum as an appetizer. This man is just like the others. He pales in comparison.

To go even further, I knew he wasn’t a fit Owner for me when I went home, and there was no instruction on what I was to wear, how to do my hair, or what shoes to put on… the simple fact that I had to think at all is a turn-off and dries my coochie up.

For a woman who likes a little control and adores her rights, this would be a perfect man. He smells good, he’s attractive, and he’s commanding to a certain degree without being pushy. He is the perfect guy... yet he’s a blatant no for me.

“Can you tell me more about you?” he reaches out to touch my hand, and I stand quickly, knocking the chair back, clutching my stomach, and placing my hand over my mouth to keep from retching… “Hey are you o—” He tries to touch me again but I stagger back and spring off to the ladies’ room into the stall, throwing up until there’s nothing left in my stomach.

It’s always like this… anytime a man shows me attention romantically, I feel sick. I feel like I’m going to lose my balance, and my world is being flipped right side up, and I can’t stand it. No, I hate it! I hate it so fucking much it makes my skin crawl.

By the time I flush the toilet and wash my hands, I feel like I’ve dropped three pounds from how much came out. I glance in the mirror and grimace, seeing my reflection. How can a person look good on the outside but feel so fucking horrible on the inside?

Anyone looking at me would assume I’m a happy-go-lucky woman who’s got her shit together. But in truth, I’m dying day by day, and soon, when Shawn goes off to live with his person, whomever that may be, I’ll be an empty shell with nothing to hold on to.

I feel like I’m going insane. No… I feel like I went insane in that cabin, and I’ve come out into a world of beings that make me sick.

Turning away from the mirror, I leave the bathroom and pause when I see Mr. James there…

“Hey, are you okay? I was worried about you.” He comes over to me, and I take a step back.

“Y… yes. I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling well,” I smile half-heartedly but he frowns.

“So, you’re what… you’re just going to leave?” he cocks a brow, and I set my mouth firm, daring him to stop me.

“I am, and?” I level him with a glare, and he falters before taking a step back.

“Fine, then go. I don’t know why I took a chance on your psychotic ass anyway I just did your brother a favor since he was worried about you. I should have listened to the blogs about you losing your mind after that psych—” All too quickly, I pull out the knife I keep on me and hold it to his throat.

It’s the very knife my Owner left me. He’s unworthy of having it slice into his skin, but it can and will at least shut him the fuck up.

“What were you saying?” I smile, staring deep into his eyes, which causes me to shudder and avert my gaze.

“N-nothing… ha-have a n-nice e-evening, m-ma’am,” he stammers, and I giggle, nipping the tip of his nose.

“I thought so.” I tap his face with the knife before placing it back in my holster and strutting off.

“YOU CRAZY BITCH! I’LL TELL ALL THE NEWS OUTLETS ABOUT YOU! I’LL—” I hold the middle finger and walk off, leaving the restaurant and immediately getting a call from my brother, which I don’t bother picking up.

I just pull open my texts to tell him I’m on my way to get my son as I head to the car when my heart pauses in my chest, my lungs cease function, and my entire being goes still. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a man… no, a beast, the exact spitting image of my Owner, coming out of a bar with a woman, smiling while he holds the small of her back, ushering her out kindly.

I swallow, heart thundering in my chest, unable to even think as he throws his head back and laughs just like him. Even the wrinkles in the corner of his eye are the same… Saw… My Saw! My Owner. I found you!