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Chapter 17

A Birdie with No Home

BIRDIE

O ne Month later…

“Step out and lift the hood of your car,” I unbuckle my seatbelt, happy this will be the last visit to this peace of shit hell hole as I wobble over the hood of my car, opening it. I have no patience, and I can offer no smile, and he knows not to even bother expecting one.

I don’t even pay attention as I follow the mundane rules to get into the facility and see my brother, who will be released from prison next month.

Hell, I almost didn’t come, but it’s been over damn near six months since I saw him and I swear to damn God, Securus and me will end up tussling if he keeps calling me, so on my Saturday, I brought my ass up here, even though I promised never to show myself here again.

Once I get inside, I wait for my brother as several eyes stare at me, thinking of how last time I was here, I met Saw. I lick my lip at the thought, but I shake it from my head. I can’t afford to think about that while here… not now…

When the doors buzz open and LaMarcus comes out, I stand and he raises a brow, watching me. I see anguish on his face when he looks at my belly, but I smile. He’s the only one I smile at… the only one in my family I care about right now.

I know I’m not supposed to let men touch me… those are the rules I stand by because my Daddy… my Owner gave them to me, but today… just for today, I wobble around and give my brother a big hug. It’s the first and only one I’ve gotten since… hell since the last time I saw him. Something in my heart cracks, but I pull away, holding it together.

“What’s up Marcus, how are you feeling?” I ask him when I go to sit down, but he says nothing. He just puts his head down and I see my brother cry for the first time in the fifteen years he’s been locked up.

“I’m sorry,” he sniffles like a big baby, and I comfort him. He’s never shed tears, but he’s crying for me. I appreciate that but I don’t need them. Of course, I don’t say that aloud. I just let him cry…

That’s how the entire visit went.

By the time I get out, I’m so tired and drained. I just want to go home, but my eyes cut to a clearing with caution tape. Wait… could that be…? Before I can think, I veer over in my new car and drive for what feels like ages until I reach a familiar clearing. There’s nothing here…

But the cabin that I spent what has to be the most significant days of my life is gone. My heart races as I step out of the car and my heart aches when I go over the pile of wood that once was my home with him. It’s gone… I don’t know why, but it hurts… it hurts so fucking much.

I clutch my chest and tears I had yet to shed fall as I walk around, looking for something… anything that reminds me of him, but nothing r— A glimmer catches my eye, and I wobble over. I move the rubble and my heart sings when I pull out the knife Saw used when he caught me.

Falling to my knees, I cry, mourning the life I treasured even if it was short lived. I miss him… I want him…

“WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!” I shout, crying. “You promised to give me everything! You said I was made for you! You said that if I gave myself to you, you’d give the things I was fearful to ask for! YOU PROMIIIIIISSSSSSSEEEEEEEDDDDDDD!!!” I shout, tired of pretending and holding this pain.

He promised me… and I believed him… yet he has the fucking audacity to disappear and claim to be dead! I clutch the knife like a lifeline… huffing. “I will never forgive you if you leave me like this…” I rock back and forth, sitting in gut-wrenching pain.

By the time I get in my car, I’m flaming pissed, not only at that son of bitch, but at the world. They took the last piece I had of him… hell they took him from me. I want to make everything and everyone pay.

Once I get to my house, it’s late, but I expect to see a few paparazzi hanging around. However, after the day I came home from the clinic, they stopped showing up as often along with my family.

Every now and then, a few, mainly three bastards in particular, harass me. I expect them to be sneaking about as per usual, so color me surprised when I don’t see them, but instead see a big ass all-black G-wagon parked in my yard.

Cautiously, I pull up, taking out the knife and holding it, ready to strike if someone on some fuck shit, but I’m shocked when I notice it’s my cousin who I haven’t seen in ages.

“Angel?” I reel back with a frown, and she smiles, giving me the biggest hug ever.

“Robin! How are you?!” she asks with a genuine smile that I haven’t seen since I came to this place, taking me aback.

“I… I’m good,” I tell her, unsure what else to say. That’s my default answer since that’s all people want to hear me say. They don’t truly want to know my thoughts, feelings, and opinions on the matter, because the moment I do, then I’m insane, lost, and brainwashed.

To them if I express my feelings, I’m a pitiable soul who suffers from Stockholm syndrome and can’t think for herself.

But Angel frowns, looking me over as if she knows I’m not. She and I had been close before she moved to California. Suddenly, we just lost track of time with her being a secretary for a CEO and me being an accountant for a huge bank.

With all that, we never faulted each other for being on our grown woman shit, and when we linked up, we linked up heavy. I heard a while ago from her mama that she came back here when she got into it with her boyfriend, and I even heard she was pregnant, but that must not be true because that was only a few weeks before my ordeal… she would still be pregnant, but she looks normal to me.

No, she looks amazing, and she couldn’t have gotten into it with her boyfriend that much from the massive rock on her finger and the huge ass Jason Momoa-looking dude sitting in the front, watching us with nearly golden eyes behind shades, looking at her as if the sun and moon rise with her.

“That’s…”

“Oh uhm… ignore him. That’s my husband, Channing. He drove me here, but more than that, I want to know how you really are…” she asks and my heart breaks because I can tell she truly cares,

“I’m fine, Angel… truly. Wh-what brings you by?” I ask, and she eyes me with, not concern, but with love.

“I just wanted to check on you. I… when I heard about what happened, I was so shocked… and all the news articles… I didn’t want to rely on what I saw. I wanted to come visit you myself, but Auntie wouldn’t give me the information to the facility you were in, and I couldn’t leave home at the moment.

It took Channing having to ask his good friend Adam where you were, but by then you were out and some other stuff happened and…” she sighs. “Long story short, I’m sorry for not being here for you,” she pouts, and I smile, though I’m a bit confused at how his friend would know where to find me, but I’ll just leave that bit alone.

“O-oh… uhm… thank you, Angel. I appreciate you for caring and not believing the news since the—” I snap my lips shut because I can feel myself getting ready to go on a tangent about the shit they’re saying, but I already know what kind of look that will get me.

“How about I take you out for lunch? You and I… somewhere quiet so we can talk,” she smiles at me and my heart squeezes.

“I… I don’t know.” I chew my lip, guard up. I know she just wants the tea on what went down in that cabin like everyone else, but her approach is different. Unlike my mama, sisters and brothers who have been on every damn show who will hear them fake whine and cry about how distraught they are, Angel seems to genuinely want to know my side of the story with no ulterior motives.

“I promise you three things. One, I won’t pressure you to say anything more than then you want. Two, I only came here to check on you. And three, this is not pity or a money grab. nothing you say will go beyond me,” she reassures me. I look her over skeptical, but for some reason, I can tell she’s not lying, and that feels nice, so I nod.

“Yay! Get in! We will go to my homegirl diner and then I’ll drop you off,” she beams as I get in the backseat and greet my cousin’s husband with a polite wave. She bounces, clapping happily, getting into the front seat and I peep her husband’s golden eyes flash when he sees her huge breasts jiggle. They have possessiveness in them like Saw’s, but different. His look is sweeter in comparison to Saw’s all-consuming gaze.

Like if Angel told him no or back off, he’d listen like a huge, adorable puppy dog. It’s cute… I used to think I wanted that kind of love, but now I see it’s not enough. Options, choices and thinking… is it so bad to find that tedious? Is it so bad to want it all taken away and to happily give your person everything?

Being in the mental institution, I learned that it is bad. A woman wanting no rights in her relationship and freely wanting to serve and give her man all the power is wrong… it’s abusive and gross. I need help, to them apparently , but ain’t shit going to change so they can suck my dick through a straw.

It’s crazy that I used to think I how I felt was wrong… I know even more now that it’s not wrong… but different. And my different and happiness doesn’t have to reflect everyone else’s. They can have their white picket fences and their Detective Woods… baby, I rather Saw anyways.

Saw told me he’d give me what I was fearful of asking for, and this life and freedom of expression was it. He kept his word. To be taken unabashedly whenever and however he wanted. Roughly, harshly, disgustingly… I craved it like a second breath, but I knew that part of me was wrong. I knew no one in my life would understand those depraved thoughts.

Oh, you want me while I’m sleep? Don’t ask, just do it. You want me to wake up at one in the morning to suck your dick and make you a sandwich? Yes, Daddy… I want to be used, wanted, desired in all aspects of my man’s life… but that is wrong! I am wrong… what Saw gave me was wrong. They say he broke me, but in reality, he fixed me…

“Robin, we’re here,” she voices, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“I’ll be waiting…” her husband speaks up from the front, shocking me with how otherworldly his voice sounds.

“O-okay,” I nod, getting out and smile when I see her go around and kiss him passionately. He rubs her face as if she’s the most precious being on earth, and I’m happy for her.

Angel was teased a lot for being a plus-sized, dark-skinned girl in school. A lot of guys liked her because she’s pretty as fuck and has a bomb-ass personality, but things never really worked out for her.

Especially after she started working with her boss, who she at one point told me she hated and was the boss from hell. Who would have thought she’d be married to that exact man today?

Even though I don’t desire the kind of love they have, I am happy that she has the love she wants… why can’t people feel the same for me?

“Come on Robin,” Angel comes over, hooking her arm through mine, leading me into a nice ass restaurant.

“I thought we were going to lunch?”

“Oh, we are. I just wanted it to be a bit more private,” she beams as she struts in and I see a handsome man hugged up on a woman, kissing her neck. He’s got red hair and she’s blushing profusely, looking like a million dollars sporting her bald fade.

When she spots us, she swats the man’s arm before coming over and hugging Angel.

“Hey, Angel! The table you reserved is ready. I’ll take you to the back,” she tells my cousin before looking at me, offering me a kind smile which I return.

“Thanks, Carmen. What’s up, Adam?” Angel waves at the guy her friend Carmen was hugged up with, and I raise curious brow. The guy who found me? How the hell was this guy able to find me? I have never seen him before… though he does look familiar… like I’ve seen him on TV or something. “I really appreciate this.”

“No problem. I’m just glad I was here with Adam to organize this for you so quickly… you know the back is still under construction, so I know the staff would have been confused,” Carmen beams prettily, showing dimples in her gold brown cheeks as she leads us to an enclosed back room where honestly, it’s too beautiful for words. “Here you are. You guys enjoy and order anything on the menu on the house.”

“Wow, that’s so generous of you. Thank you, we’ll do that.” Angel walks in and I’m surprised her friend leaves without a single malicious or hateful glare my way. “Come on, girl. Sit down and let’s talk,” she grins, and I stand there unsure, but she doesn’t urge me further as if she doesn’t want to scare me or make it seem as if she’s trying to force it.

All people have been trying to do is force me to talk, so it’s nice being on my own time and having someone in front of me who’s not pushing the situation. I finally take a seat, and she picks up the menu in front of her as I take mine, looking it over to see the menu is in both Italian and English. This really is a fancy place.

From the gorgeous light fixture hanging over the immaculately set table with china that looks so pristine I don’t even want to touch it, to the spotless floor that I’m terrified of so much as scuffing and the dark leather upholstered chairs.

But it’s not like I’m not accustomed to something this nice, so I quickly order when the waiter comes out and Angel turns to me and smiles.

“So, I want to ask you again baby cousin… how are you? Not what happened, but how are you?” I flinch at her kindness. When the world has been paying you dust and treating you like some monster who’s harboring nasty secrets about another monster… and I mean, that may be the case, but Saw is my monster and I’m not saying shit.

“Well… I want to say I’m okay but…” I fiddle with my fingers and grit my teeth. “I’m angry…” I ground out. “I’m so fucking angry I could scream.” I blink back tears, and she reaches out and takes my hands. I glance up see her smile and I calm down.

“I understand. You can tell me everything. You remember what we used to say?” she smiles, dimples showing and I nod, tears falling.

“We listen and we don’t judge,” we say simultaneously, and she takes my hand tight.

“Exactly. So, talk to me. Tell me what’s truly bothering you,” she tells me kindly. I break down and tell her about my time with him and to my shock, she really doesn’t judge me. She sits there eating, talking, asking questions, and she even takes notes on a few things she wants to try with her husband.

This was the first conversation… the first real conversation about Saw I’ve ever had.

No one has truly wanted to hear how much I care for him and how much that man gave me power to exist in my purpose. No, to them I’m just dumb victim, but to her I’m a person…

“So, baby cousin, I want to ask you… what can I do to help?” She takes my hand, squeezing it.

“I want to make them pay… I want to make them suffer as much as I can for taking my Owner from me. People can call me crazy all they want, but I want him,” I answer truthfully. She smiles and lets go of my hand, grabbing her purse, and pulling out a card, handing it to me.

I look it over and frowning.

Liam Stoltzfoos?

“This name sounds familiar…”

“Well, I would venture to think so considering he’s the lawyer of all damn layers. Oh, and he was in the news for just marrying his Black adopted sister… so there’s that…” she chuckles. Damn…

“S-so what? I just call him and he’s going to help?” I raise a brow, and she shakes her head.

“Oh sweetheart, Liam won’t just help. He’ll clean they’re mother fucking clocks, tinker with their cars, scalp they mother fucking wigs, and hand it to you on a silver platter. All pro bono because I asked and we’re family,” she huffs and crosses her arms over her ample chest. I can’t help but think she’s being full of it, but why would she lie?

“You sure?”

“Trust me. If you want them to pay, that’s the mother fucker to do it… or” she pauses and leans over close. “I… uhm… I know a crazy guy… his name is Conner… he’ll even blow up they house for you… and if you really want them to disappear… this guy named Dom—” I hold up my hand, stopping her.

“I… I got it… I’ll call him.” Everything else I can handle myself. I just need the money…

“Bet, then keep me posted and take everything them mother fuckers got,” she tells me, and I throw my head back laughing, smiling genuinely for the first time in a long time as I rub my belly.

“Oh you don’t have to worry about that.” I’ll make them pay dearly for taking what’s mine from me.